Who is behaving badly here

[SpotAGuillemot]

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

Well done but be prepared. You know from his colleagues that he is a bastard - don't underestimate what he will attempt to do to someone who has wronged him. He will try to destroy and punish you. Probably by some level of charm and manipulation - keep out of punching distance. Only meet him with someone else. Communicate via email only - set up so all his emails go in a file so you can open when you are ready and not sabotaged. Record and file every interaction.

Spot that all sounds really positive. Really positive. I love the sound of the school wanting a senco visit set up, and the SHL who empathises.

Please do be aware that a crash will be coming (emotionally). I suspect, as PP says, once DH decides he can't leave it any longer in the game of No Contact Chicken he'll go on the charm offensive, extremely contrite.

He'll say it's woken him up to himself - he's finally understood what you were trying to tell him. He'll say you can't split the family up - the DC need their father and mother. He'll say he's been blinded by his macho -sexist- workplace environment, and he's SO SORRY. He'll do anything...

Up to you of course if you believe any of the remorse is true. We are just words on a screen, and you are living it.

But the fact your family don't seem to be reeling in shock but completely rallying around you & reorganising to help you seems to say to me that they saw his cold disregard of you all and want you out.

You have become isolated either through manipulative design or by accidental circumstance. This is a chance to reassert what you need - a support network close by you.

Even IF you decided the marriage could be saved, do you think he'd agree to move to give you what you (& DC) need? Or would it be about his wants & needs?

Stay strong.

Yes to everything nosquirrels says. He won't go quietly I bet.

First of all remove the word "help" from your vocabularies. "Help" implies its your job and he should/could "help" you with that of the goodness of his heart.

Guess what? It's half his job. It's a shared job. So if he isn't pulling his weight he isn't "not helping" - he's simply not doing his half of the job.

But the fact your family don't seem to be reeling in shock but completely rallying around you & reorganising to help you seems to say to me that they saw his cold disregard of you all and want you out.

This is a very interesting observation actually. Your family do seem to have realised immediately that you are are serious and you going to your mum's isn't just a temporary pause.

Have you spoken to them about him before?

You have done great OP. I would make a bet you will find it much easier to recover from your depression surrounded by support and away from his undermining.

Also that friends have said to OP directly that he is a bastard to work for.

That's quite something.

You have a monster on your hands here - don't under estimate what he will do. He will want to "win' - he will kick off and punish you - do not trust him - don't give him an inch - don't give him an "in" or an opportunity to bully, harass or degrade you. You need to have very strong legal support where all communications go through. You need to negotiate a clean break settlement with this type of character other wise they will use any maintenance agreement to yank your chain for the next 20 years.

Surround yourself with your lovely family - I am sure the are delighted to have you back.

It seems to all be working out perfectly.
The place sounds idyllic.
So pleased you have wonderful family support.
Keep going and stay strong.

Family aren't surprised at all tbh. My family are fairly non-conforming. I went to a Steiner school, parents were crazy communists, we lived on a boat for a while. It's been a long standing joke that my parent are disappointed in my siblings and I because none of us turned out gay or black.

They never really got over the shock that I married an Oxford educated city boy. My dm has spent the whole time I've been in this relationship introducing me to handsome jugglers and minstrels that she deems a much more suitable match.

So, no, they're not surprised. But not because they think he's a dick especially. More that they just never really approved of him. I know my dm will already be planning my future living in a yurt with someone called Merlin. She has been very restrained so far in not saying 'I told you so.'

They sound ace.

The other partners are not constantly asking, because they are being voluntarily told.

Your parents sound wonderful (as do you!)

YEs my partner volunteers the info and if I had to ask he wouldn’t begrudge sharing his plans.

Still nothing from dh. I've had mil on the phone to me hysterical though. Apparently I've taken the children and am refusing to tell dh where I am and if the dc's are safe.

I calmed her down and pointed out that I answered her call first time and told her exactly where I was. That dh hadn't asked me where I was, if dc's were ok, if we'd be back. She seemed a bit better when I got off the phone, told her I don't really know what's going on atm. She's lovely and we have a fairly good relationship so hope that stays. Bloody man.

Careful with that one - v v manipulative - winding up his own mother - and using her as a flying monkey just to hoover you back in.

Expect everything to go back to him word for word - and she will always be on his side 100%.

Spot you are good under pressure- bravo.

What a weasel- telling his own mother you've refused to tell him where his children are! When it's merely a dose of his own medicine.

KOKO

What do you predict he will do OP?

Turn up at your mothers?
Send flowers?
Send a legal letter?
Send his mother?
Send a demanding text?
Send a pleading text?

You're situation seems similar to mine. I am a SAHM and live rurally. DH works away often and very long hours.
However, I am not living with a lodger as you appear to be. I have no need to call and check when/where DH is as it gets written on the calendar prior and if for some reason it changes then he calls to let me know. Your husbands colleagues wives are probably like myself and don't need to call as they've already been informed. (I'd be seriously peed off if I couldn't arrange my/DC time.)
As for not knowing exactly where he is, does the dial tone not change? Mines always different if he's abroad anywhere?

Sorry completely missed the last page!

Really rooting here for you OP. So nice to know that horrible people like your H get what's coming to them. Can't believe he's not even tried to get in touch, what a tosser!
Your life is going to be great without him!

Well done OP, sounds like he's got Mummy to do his dirty work for him to find out what's going on and where you are.. stay strong, rooting for you

Stay strung OP

I have changed my assessment of his next steps too - it doesn't look like the contrite charm offensive is going to be forthcoming, if he's already accusing you of falsehoods to his family, and playing the victim.

It will come.

He's on the ignoring and the blaming stage.

Stand your ground OP and you might still see tears and poor me pleas.

Beware of the threats too.

Wow. I can't believe he hasn't even bothered asking where you are or how is children are. You are so much better off without this man.