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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is behaving badly here

315 replies

SpotAGuillemot · 06/10/2017 14:43

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/10/2017 10:01

Be careful what you say to his mum. She may be lovely but IIRC she's also been very blasé about his behaviour because his dad did similar. So she will think it's justifiable. Keep your long term plans to yourself.

Ploppie4 · 12/10/2017 10:10

Yes mummy did his dirty work.

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 12/10/2017 12:52

He is playing dirty since he can't justify asking where you are without being a hypocrite. Ignore him and just work with SHL in the meantime. Let him make the next move.

rainbowstardrops · 12/10/2017 13:29

What an absolute prick your poor excuse for a husband is!
You are so much more better off without him Flowers

Cambionome · 14/10/2017 08:39

How are you, op? I hope everything is going well for you so far.

Original poster
SpotAGuillemot · 14/10/2017 10:20

I'm ok thanks cambionome. Dh is taking a few days off work and coming down to stay from tomorrow. Dc and I are at my DM's still and dh will be staying at my dsis's holiday house that dc and I will hopefully be moving into in a couple of weeks.

I'm finding the whole thing really hard tbh. I feel like I'm the one that's responsible for splitting up our family. Dc1 keeps asking where daddy is, he knows something's going on. He never normally asks for his dad - we stayed at my DM's for the whole 6 week summer holiday, dh came to join us for one weekend and dc1 didn't ask for his dad once then.

On the plus side, dh sent me a rather lovely package from Tiffany's. I immediately took it to jewellers in town who valued it. I haven't even tried it on, I'm just going to sell it and take the dc's (and my dm) on the holiday that dh promised them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/10/2017 10:29

Your H is very thick, he thinks lavish gifts are going to make up for being absent and abusive...

He ended the relationship by being abusive towards you so stop the guilt!

Chunkymonkey123 · 14/10/2017 10:45

Please don't feel guilty. Families come in many different forms and what children need is happy parents who are role models of how to behave in relationships.
Do you really want them growing up in the environment they had where they have no idea when/if dad will come home and a mum who's unhappy?
Where you are now you can be happier and your children also have the support of extended family. You children might also enjoy having prearranged quality time with your DH.
If anyone has broken your family it is your DH and his unreasonable behaviour. Don't let him bully and guilt you into taking him back.

You are being really strong and brave 💐

Pajamagirl · 14/10/2017 11:13

Selling the Tiffany bribe .
Love it
Good on you

Butterymuffin · 14/10/2017 11:14

He could have stopped this happening at any time by simply saying 'Work are sending me to Sweden tomorrow, I'll be back late Thursday night' or similar. But he wasn't prepared to do even that. He preferred seeing you upset and confused to communicating in the most basic way. And he wasn't prepared to get off his bloody rowing machine to clean up his small child who was ill when you asked for help. Just remember those things when you feel it's you who has split up the family. The bar was set very, very low for him, and as both a husband and a father, he didn't want to make even that small amount of effort. Your kids deserve better, even if you don't believe that you do yourself.

I firmly predict he will be along with promises of how if you give it all another chance it will be different, how you're being unfair to the children and so on. Think very carefully about how much you can trust any of these promises from someone who has been unwilling to even tell you where he is at night, or how much he earns (you'd be wise to ask him that and watch his reaction very closely, too). You have the chance of a new life organised around what is best for you and your children. Don't sleepwalk back into a life that has been bad for you all.

Oh and your son is picking up on your own unease and guilt in asking about his dad. Don't put too much stock in that. As you said yourself, it never usually occurs to him which is a terrible sign in itself of how little your H does as a father.

rainbowstardrops · 14/10/2017 14:08

Do not let him worm his way back in when he comes to visit. Remind yourself that he's just there to see the kids. Don't be fooled!
My (D)H has treated me like shit for years. I asked him to go to his mum's for a few days at the beginning of the year to give the kids a break from the arguing and atmosphere. His mum has subsequently died and he's STILL there. Hasn't made any effort whatsoever to come back. Several other very, very hurtful things later and today he turns up with a bunch of flowers from Sainsbury's and a card that asks me if there's anything left to salvage as he still loves me!! Utter bullshit.
My point is, I'd love to take him back as it's really hard and lonely (I don't have my mum though sadly) but these people can't just mess with our heads and then waltz back in when it suits THEM!

MrsHathaway · 14/10/2017 14:16

On the plus side, dh sent me a rather lovely package from Tiffany's. I immediately took it to jewellers in town who valued it. I haven't even tried it on, I'm just going to sell it and take the dc's (and my dm) on the holiday that dh promised them.

I can't express how BAMF I think this is. I'm waving my virtual pompoms like a champion cheerleader here!

Cambionome · 14/10/2017 14:24

Exactly what everyone else has said! Sell that jewellery and go on the best holiday ever! and tell your dh to fottfsof

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/10/2017 14:34

Interesting how he's stamping his presence on the holiday cottage. Presumably your sister will give him a set of keys when he's staying there. And of course, you can't move in when he's there. Clever. Very clever.

How about you move into the cottage now and he stays in a B&B?

Lweji · 14/10/2017 14:41

Yes, I wouldn't let him have the cottage.

He will create problems for you.

He can pay for a hotel.

Original poster
SpotAGuillemot · 14/10/2017 14:41

He's only going to be here for a few days. He's presumably got the whole week off though as had originally booked our holiday for this week.

He wants to talk through everything. I only want to discuss contact arrangements for dc's and money. I've spoken to him thousands of times before explaining how his behaviour upsets me and how he could change it. But he didn't. Then he didn't again. So he's not going to do it now just because I've buggered off to my DM's.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/10/2017 14:42

He thinks he'll worm his way in and you'll end up having a little holiday in the cottage.

ohfourfoxache · 14/10/2017 14:58

He's going to go into all out convincing mode.

Stay strong, he'll be expecting to win you over.

MrsHathaway · 14/10/2017 15:02

I've spoken to him thousands of times before explaining how his behaviour upsets me and how he could change it. But he didn't. Then he didn't again. So he's not going to do it now just because I've buggered off to my DM's.

I'm delighted that you're practising your broken record.

But even if he did change now yeah right it's far too late. The damage is already done.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/10/2017 15:10

Wait, so you and the children are squashed into your DM's house while he spreads out in a free holiday cottage? He didn't even have to take extra time off work. He won't have to do any housework either because presumably that comes with the cottage or he just won't.

You are a mug if you agree to this.

mogulfield · 14/10/2017 15:34

For someone with such a high flying career he’s a bit thick. It seemed to take him a while to realise you were going to leave, and then when you did leave he didn’t seem in any hurry to sort things out. Eventually telling his mother who contacted you.
He then sends a bribe, which he must have thought would fix eveything... he sounds genuinely lacking in EI.

Anyway, I think you’re doing amazingly well Flowers and are creating a better life for your DCs and indeed you; not always wanting a part time dad to participate in family life and perpetually being disappointed.

eddielizzard · 14/10/2017 15:42

sounds like too little, too late.

i agree with you: talk about practicalities. the second things start to get heated, walk out. you don't actually have to see him. but he could take the kids out and spend time with them.

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2017 17:27

I agree about the cottage. I wouldn't trust him there. And even though it's not going to be your permanent home, why would you want any trace of his presence?
He can afford a B&B

Butterymuffin · 14/10/2017 17:31

There's also the risk of him getting keys copied and then being able to let himself in later when you're living there.

Lweji · 14/10/2017 17:42

It will be difficult to get him out if he decides to be a pain.

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