Who is behaving badly here

[SpotAGuillemot]

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

He seems to be accepting of it. He's talking about trying to get the house valued next week and has been looking online a flats near his office. He has agreed to EOW but is doing lots of sad faces about how much he'll miss dc's. Which is absolute bollocks, he has never once had 48 hours alone with them. Even on holidays if I have an hour at the spa or want a nap or something he wouldn't even take them to the beach. He puts them in front of the TV or iPad at every blood opportunity. When we were dating, pre kids he'd go off massive bike rides every weekend. He always said how he'd love to have a boy to take with him on bike rides one day, he did it with his dad and it was his favourite part of the week etc. He wouldn't even come to Halfords to help me choose a bike for ds1's birthday last year. I know nothing at all about bike riding. He's never even tried to help ds ride it up and down the drive. He's just so fucking useless! Ah well, maybe he'll surprise me and be a better father now he doesn't have me nagging over his shoulder the whole time.

Interesting that he is moving on with this so quickly....almost seems that he is driving it - with getting the house valued and looking at flats near his office. Also that you said that he only came to visit for one weekend in whole 6 weeks that you were at your Mums during the school holidays. What was he doing the other 5 weekends?

I'm glad you are with family for support.

But I would say do no be rushed into anything to do with divorce, money and child arrangements. Speak to a solicitor about it first.

The speed he is moving just shows how detached he is from you and your DC. He now moving to where he wants to be with a clear conscious. He know longer has to pretend he is a family man. He can be that single person he wants and see his children the bear minimum and don't think even if he scheduled to see his dc and he has go away on business he will choose business over them every time.

OP, whether or not he is autistic, you have told him that his lazy, selfish behaviour is unacceptable, very clearly. And he has carried on doing it. It's not that he doesn't understand what you want - he simply doesn't think that you matter. He's going to carry on doing exactly what he wants, and having you constantly anxious, annoyed and unsure makes him feel like King Big Dick.

Dh has decided his behaviour is because he's autistic. Something I've been saying for years but he's refused to acknowledge in any way. I know if you've met one person with autism then you've met one person with autism. But - my brother is autistic. He misses a lot of social cues and is great at putting his foot in it but if he's told specific things will upset someone he will never do it again. Like, I dunno, saying please tell me when you'll be coming home. I think dh does have a lot of personality traits which could be considered autistic, but none of those traits have anything to do with me leaving.

4 out of 5 people in our house are autistic, me included. Initially not understanding why it’s right to let your partner know things could be put down to autism. Deliberately being hurtful and nasty and dismissive can’t. He’s being a dick.

So relieved for you 'Spot' that you managed to leave and have the support of your family.

Hopefully he will keep to the 'EOW agreement' but it's very likely that he will have last minute excuses for this.

So prepare yourself for him not always following through on your agreement.
If he really wants to communicate with his kids he can always use FaceTime on the iPad or Skype as well.

Good Luck

I wonder if it would be good to not tell the kids that he is coming down on the specific weekends until you know that he is literally on the road or nearby - as he is likely to let them down and hurt them and you will be the one picking up the pieces? When you have an arse of OH you need to buffer your kids from that.

Well he's headed back home now. Dc1 claims they had a nice time (but he likes anyone who buys him ice cream). Dc2 is very happy to b back with me, but he's not yet 2 and that 24hours is the messy he's ever been away from me. I'm currently snuggled up in bed with a little boy either side of me fast asleep. It's all going to be ok.

Hmm. I'd be suspicious that he's accepting this too easily. Protect your interests quickly in case it emerges there's someone else waiting in the wings (more fool them)

Xh was a lot better father when we divorced, thank Christ. Prior to divorce he wouldn't even let me go for a run until the dcs were in bed (and that was after being away all week and then disappearing to the office on Saturdays.)

I'd have had a lot to write in a little book of c*nt. it was an eye opener when I met Dp who actively enjoys spending time with the dcs.

It all sounds like you have it under control OP. I think your wonderful supportive mum and rest of family have enabled you to be strong.
However unlike most of the other posters I don’t see all ex husbands as the personification of evil. From my experience (divorced when mine were 12,10 & 4) a good relationship with ex is an incredibly valuable thing for ALL concerned. Both working to make it a good relationship is the right way, so I completely understand why you are happy to facilitate his staying in your home whilst you move out.

Compromise is always the best way as opposed to suspicion and paranoia. Just be smart though- which I’m sure you are. Go with face value but come down hard if he messes you around even once.

My DH had the divorce from hell straight out of the school of how to fuck your kids up and use them as cannon fodder against one another.
I’ve seen the results of both divorces on children at close quarters. You are making the right choices OP.

I'm currently snuggled up in bed with a little boy either side of me fast asleep.

Ahhhh, warm fuzzy feeling.

Hope you’re doing ok OP

Hope everything is going well with you, op.

Just remind him that when he sells the house, he needs to ensure that you are housed before he looks at fancy flats near work!!!! And I would not be looking at a small house. You might need live in help for ds, so something nice with a garden near your mum.
I suggest as word with your HSL.

Ugh, so glad you have left. He clearly has no idea what it's like to be in charge of two kids by yourself almost all the time with no idea when you'll get a break.