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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is behaving badly here

315 replies

SpotAGuillemot · 06/10/2017 14:43

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

OP posts:
Cambionome · 09/10/2017 19:54

Did you manage to leave, op? I hope you are ok. Flowers

another20 · 09/10/2017 20:31

I agree with womb. My long experience in the corporate world is that many men use work to avoid family life. I have worked loads of different work patterns to try to accommodate my changing family life.
Loads of men got in extra early and did fuck all or went to the office gym to avoid home life - I used to get in at 6.45 to avoid traffic so that I could leave at 4 - these same guys were there til 8pm --pootering about. Sometimes we did have to work late to accommodate a teleconf call from the west coast of US - but not everyday - and you could easily go home and dial in from there. These same guys also had extreme sports type hobbies that they then did for extensive hours at weekends eg tri training / cycling etc - they never saw their families by choice.....all under the disguise of doing something virtuous like working or cycling!

MrsHathaway · 09/10/2017 20:41

Hope you're at your mum's with a great big mug of gin hot chocolate and a jammy Wagon Wheel.

What an unspeakable ARSEHOLE he is. And when you'd warned him so explicitly. How simply contemptible.

Original poster
SpotAGuillemot · 09/10/2017 21:19

I'm at my mums! Boys are in bed, my sister is on her way round with wine and popcorn. Not heard anything from dh so assume he's not back from work yet. He hasn't even text today to see how little one is.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 09/10/2017 21:28

He's a shit excuse for a father and husband. Hope you moved that money.

RandomMess · 09/10/2017 21:33

Glad you arrived safely it's a long tiring drive!

I too hope you moved the money...

kaitlinktm · 09/10/2017 21:37

So glad you are there - can go to bed now without refreshing the page. Do check the bank account though. Hugs to little one, hope he is better soon.

Original poster
SpotAGuillemot · 09/10/2017 21:53

I've moved what was in the joint account and moved isa into current account. Still not heard anything from him. Hopefully this will be the last night I ever have to wonder about him getting home though!

OP posts:
DasPepe · 09/10/2017 22:02
Flowers Please enjoy the normality for a change, instead of this in limbo state you've been living.

Hope all goes well. X

Cambionome · 09/10/2017 22:04

Well done op! Totally admire the way you are dealing with this. Flowers

TaggieRR · 09/10/2017 22:27

Best of luck to you OP

splatattack · 09/10/2017 22:32

You are so brave...and definitely doing the right thing...

cherrycola2004 · 09/10/2017 22:40

Glad you’re at your mums

4yoniD · 09/10/2017 22:45

It sounds bad but he works an incredible number of hours - is he coping? Would he consent to one of those apps on his phone so you can look and see where he is? Or can he somehow (possibly quietly/"under the table") give you access to his work calendar?

timeisnotaline · 09/10/2017 22:49

I think he chooses to work the hours. Every other dad can say if they are going to be late that night, and he can't mention if he's going to be overseas. An app won't fix him.

Garlicansapphire · 09/10/2017 23:22

Well done OP! I'm glad you're at your Mums - get some company and support. And stay strong. We are all routing for you.

nappyrat · 09/10/2017 23:35

Wine congratulations.

Your husband sounds like an absolute dick. Sorry.

ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2017 23:52

I've just read this with my chin hitting the floor

I'm so glad you're at your mum's. What a vile cunt of a specimen he is Angry

Mushroomburger17 · 10/10/2017 06:40

Well done op! Has he even noticed you're missing yet?

littlebird77 · 10/10/2017 06:49

I could not live this way, it must be hugely stressful.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, I am amazed you have put up with this for as long as you have.

What kind of job requires a few hours notice to fly to a different country without your clothes and personal items...maybe there is one somewhere.

I would be issuing an ultimatum he either needs to find a new job and start investing time, love and energy into you and the dc, or you leave.

Something is very wrong with your current set up.

littlebird77 · 10/10/2017 06:52

I just read your update now. Well done you. I didn't see that coming!

Does he even know you have left him yet?? Must be interesting sitting there wondering how long it will take....says it all about your relationship op

NoSquirrels · 10/10/2017 07:35

Poor you OP. I'm glad you went. What a special kind if arsehole to look his wife and son in the eyes covered in puke and say "10 more minutes", let alone not helping at all & getting his own good night's sleep. There's selfish and then there's SELFISH.

Hope Ds2 feels better, and that your Mum & sis have been good company Flowers

Thebluedog · 10/10/2017 07:44
Flowers
Original poster
SpotAGuillemot · 10/10/2017 08:02

He messaged me at about midnight just to say 'very quiet here tonight.' Not sure what to make of that.

4yoni he does work an awful lot. He doesn't seem to mind it though, I wouldn't mind either if he just bloody told me when he'd be home.

littlebird I do believe he does have to go abroad last minute. Without being too specific it's a particular area of finance and everyone on his team is expected to be able to travel abroad short notice too.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 10/10/2017 08:03

Does he work for Universal Exports?

That text was carefully worded. He couldn't directly ask where you were without being a colossal hypocrite.