Who is behaving badly here

[SpotAGuillemot]

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

No chance I can get any financial info - he keeps all that at his office. I have absolutely no idea how much he earns. The house is in his name. My car is in my name and I have about 20k in an isa that I can access. Also if he doesn't know I'm going to do it I can transfer everything from the joint account into mine. So, not worried about money in the term. I've got passports for me and dc's and dc's birth certificates. Dc's red books.

Is there anything else I'd need for enrolling dc1 at school? Anything else obvious I've forgotten?

I'm actually feeling surprisingly calm about th whole thing. It's bonkers I posted on here last night genuinely thinking I was being a nagging old woman. If this all goes to shit I'm blaming you lot.

I'm not really surprised he hasn't told you how much he earns. All of this hints strongly at a need for control on his part.

If I were you, I would see a lawyer, just so you have a solid idea of where you would stand if you were to split.

Bloody hell. He really didn't listen to that bit of the marriage vows about sharing all you have, did he? That you don't know how much he earns is proof of his contempt for you.

Don't wait for him to fuck up. Just get your things ready and go. You have a much better, calmer, happier life waiting for you at your mum's.

I'm not surprised either!

house may be in his name but you are married and have children, so its yours too. as are all marital assets. the CMS will soon find out how much he earns!

Assuming you ate married then you have a claim on the he house. Child support can access his wages.
I’d send the BCs and passports to your mum (separately and recorded delivery).

My DH has often worked away. We share an online calendar, he gives me an itinerary when he goes away (so I can contact him in an emergency). He lets me know where he is (sometimes different cities in uk), and keeps me updated with when he’ll be home. If he’s working at home he lets me know and accepts if I’m busy.

Sounds exhausting living with someone like that. So disinterested!

How come the house is in his name?? And you don't know how much he earns? Sounds like you don't talk much?

Hope you get out comfortably and soon.

Well done op. You know you don't have to wait for him to fuck up for you to go to your mum's? He's had plenty of warnings and you've quite rightly reached the end of your tether.

Go now. Take what you need and start a life you deserve . All the best.

What an arsehole! It doesn't take a minute to text. My dh normally lets me know if he's leaving the office and will normally let me know if he's working late. It's called being considerate. He's a cock! And being defensive and aggressive with his response shows that.

The house is in his name as I as a sahm when we applied for mortgage. I'd also had someone steal my identity while I was at uni and had a couple of ccj's that I was still trying to get written off. Getting my name put on the mortgage actually reduced the amount we could borrow. Then when I finally did get ccj's written off we just never get round to putting it in my name too. I'd always assumed that as we're married this isn't too much of an issue though.

Wrt to how much he earns. I know what his salary is (or was when he got his last promotion 2 years ago). But he earns most of his money throug his bonus. The last time I knew what it was, maybe 3/4 years ago, it was about 5 times his salary. The last few years he's just been very vague as to what it was - he just refers to it as obscene and lets me book a holiday. Would child support take his bonus into consideration or would it simply be done on his salary? I'm assuming he'd be cooperative but then I've always been on his good side. One of the school mums used to work for him nand apparently he has a reputation for being a complete bastard.

I'm assuming he'd be cooperative but then I've always been on his good side. One of the school mums used to work for him nand apparently he has a reputation for being a complete bastard.

You realise he's being a complete bastard to you now...

Good Lord. How rude.
And how dramatic in his response, as if having to let you know what he is doing can be equated to having to quit his job etc. Serious lack of basic considerations there, and no manners at all.
When he knows what he is doing, so should you- plenty of time at airports etc to text etc - such a douche.
Go for it re heading to your mothers, and call his bluff- as I'm sure he thinks you won't do it.
I would also, as others suggest see a lawyer to clarify where you stand.
Good luck and you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

He keeps all financial paperwork at his office, and the house is in his name? He's definitely a controlling twatbadger in that case.

I'm glad you've got your mum and a plan of action.

I actually think you're asking way too little of him & that dynamic is part of the problem.

For instance, I would ask my DH to let me know about a meeting in NYC in Jan that may or may not go ahead. Of course I would. If it doesn't, great. If it does, I was prepared for it, plans made etc.

I would ask my DH what time everyone else left, if he was regularly working so late it inconvenienced me & DC never saw him. I'd want to know if there was a reason for with. Ring a) so busy b) so badly organised or understaffed or c) a plan to deal with it.

I would ask what my DH had for lunch just as a natural part of conversation & meal planning - don't cook dig me? I ate with a client at lunch/I'm starving I only grabbed a sandwich at 11 etc.

It sounds as if both of you have no expectation of him being home at 7 regularly, or 8, or whatever time his commute & normal office hours would be. Because he's never committed to a proper "home time" then I'm sure in his mind it's unreasonable to inform you of his movements every night. But normal families don't function that way. Most working parents do want to see their DC and arrange their lives to do so, regardless of whether there's a SAHP to facilitate things.

It's pure bullshit that he cant commit to a schedule. His office & work life is presumably arranged by someone, and he has to agree to those arrangements. So he can decide what's important & is a priority & reacts accordingly. He's clearly decided you & DC are not a priority.

Fucking hate the excuse of high-paying career job excusing all domestic & parenting & relationship responsibilities. It's lazy, entitled, selfish & bollocks. Where there's a will there's a way. But if there's no will...

If he has a meeting scheduled for January in New York that might or might not go ahead? He just can't see that there is any difference between me wanting to know if/ when he'll be home and wanting to know the frequency and consistency of his shit

This is exactly the sort of thing my XP would say, I honestly think he was incapable of having the emotional intelligence to understand the problem.

Try to find out as much financial information as you can

Lots of good advice from other posters but the three words you need to pay attention to are
Get a lawyer

He is a shit and will only become worse
Don't move out get a lawyer

There will be tax records of his bonus. Yes it will be taken into account. Get a shit hot lawyer quietly now before he gets the best one locally. You know you are going so get as much ready as possible, actual facts from a solicitor is one of the best things to get ready. Also speaking to the school where you plan to move.

You need to see a lawyer and get yourself informed and prepared for when you do leave him.

For example, you can get something registered on the property so it can’t be sold / transferred, interim maintenance orders etc. Although you have enough savings to ride you over, you’ll need to act quickly to secure your and your DCs future when you leave. If you have everything lined up with a lawyer, it will be one less worry when shit hits the fan.

My only concern about not moving to her Mum's is that he could get a prohibitive steps order keeping her local to where they live now...

Yes, I think best to move to mums and be in the area you want to stay in

I would definitely seek legal advice before leaving the house. Just in case it impacts anything further down the track.

Assuming you have a joint account I'd be using it to pay for a really really good lawyer and barrister and a forensic accountant. Your marriage is dead. I think the question you need to ask yourself is why you let yourself and your kids be treated like this. So while you are at it I'd get yourself a shit hot shrink. Go private.

I'd recommend seeing a lot of the top lawyers for a consult because they then cannot be used by him.

Frankly I'd be using his obscene salary to my benefit to get the best out of your farce of a marriage. Make up some reason why you need a lot of cash like landscaping the garden if you don't have access to his funds.

I'd also get a full time nanny to help with DS because you can afford it and it would help DS. And the nanny should be part of your divorce settlement. Your stbxh will need her too if he's ever planning on seeing his kids.

And I'd be looking for a return to my career.

A prohibited steps order is pretty unlikely unless you were planning on moving abroad. There's no way it would be used to keep you local to him - it doesn't work like that.

You are in a pretty good position really. Ok, it's unlikely that you'll actually get what's owed from your joint assets, as he'll hide stuff and he's done a good job of keeping you in the dark about stuff. But in general, you will be ok. You have a good bit in the ISA. You can quite easily move the contents of the joint account and if/when a financial settlement eventually comes to court, that certainly won't go against you alongside evidence of his financially abusive tendencies- you don't have access to all family money and you are not on the deeds to the house, so your only option to leave was to take control of that account. Remember, it is all half your money anyway - including what's currently in his personal account!

So yes, do that - take your ISA and every penny you can lay hands on, and go to your mums, and file for divorce for unreasonable behaviour.

You will get at least half the house, and probably more as you have to house the children. It's an asset of the marriage, it doesn't matter whose name it's in. In fact, re unreasonable behaviour, it might go in your favour as yet another bit of evidence (alongside everything else you present) that he's emotionally and financially abusive.

It CAN be straightforward. If you could stay with your mum in the interim that would be good for support. You have enough money to find a small rental until the divorce is finalised, and you would make a claim to CMS straight away for maintenance. I'd look at school catchments right now and distance from your mum's and where would be good to be based, possibly for the next 2-3 years, in order to think maybe about a return to work. Fill in the forms to set in place a residency order, which means that it's official that the children live with you. It means that if he plays silly buggers and refuses to return them after contact, the police have the authority to go and fetch them. If you don't have this, you'd have to go through court to get them back which will take longer.

Passports, photos, things of value, all paperwork you can get your hands on - go to your mums, make an appointment with a solicitor the next day and file. Let him know and you can start arrangements for access on every other weekend. Of course, whether the childrne are available will depend on whether he has the courtesy to confirm his whereabouts and the arrangements well in advance :)

Well, he's just informed me he's booked us a holiday during half term. I'd had in my head that was when I was going to leave. Looks like he may have finally realised that I really am serious about leaving if he doesn't change.

Oh yes and agree - charge on the property too - to prevent him selling or doing anything - you register your interest in it.

Re prohibited steps etc., if OP can argue that she wishes to be within, say, an hour/45 minutes of her mum in order to have family support, but eg is willing to move within easy access of the nearest city airport to facilitate contact - and if she can produce a record which shows that in a normal week, he doesn't even bloody see the children as he's either abroad and she isn't even aware of it OR he doesn't get home until 11 - then she's going to sound more than reasonable.

OP could of course offer sweetly to stay much more local on the condition he change jobs to something 9-5 with no international travel in order to do 50/50 shared care so that she too can go back to work :) - what's that you say DH? It's a no? Oh what a surprise! I'll see you at my mum's, then!

So are you some kind of pet, then? Or just on a par with the kids? He's booked a holiday - no consultation, no asking you where you'd like to go, no discussion? Because it's his money to spend and you're the appendage?