Who is behaving badly here

[SpotAGuillemot]

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

I'd tell him that you have plans for the half term and it isn't convenient, and you'd appreciate being involved in the planning of your own life.

Oh and yes if he thinks you're serious about going, then he will throw money at the 'problem' until you shut up again.

Now might be a good time to insist on going on the deeds to the house. Would be interesting to see his reaction to that.

Ha - booked a holiday without any input from you or a say on where you go. How generous of him to throw you a bone.

And if you say anything negative - e.g. it would have been nice to be involved in the holiday planning - it'll be thrown back as you being ungrateful.

Only you know if this really is a turning point, but I somehow doubt it. And if you can be appeased by him doing the odd thing like this, I don't see anything fundamentally changing in his attitude. Which means you'll still be in exactly the same position 6 months down the line.

Your answer to the news of the holiday is simple. “Sorry I have already made plans for half term” “I didn’t ask you as I do not want to appear controlling or a nag by requesting your availability “ “ Next time you think about doing that, perhaps consult me first”

What did you say about the holiday?

What are your feelings about it?

Exactly what kittens said!

If you are not on the deeds of the house then look at registering your matrimonial home rights as per rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/marriage-your-rights-to-your-home/

Wow, keep going, you're doing totally the right thing. Yes to the shit hot lawyer. He will tell you you don't need one. You really do. I met several and went for the most expensive and vicious - saved a fortune in court fees as xh knew from his reputation that I meant business and we didn't get that far. I got the whole house, my car and a very good ongoing maintenance arrangement.

You will end up living life on your own terms, with far less stress and probably with a pretty decent income. You will never need to give a thought to where he is. It's the most liberating thing, trust me. A twat like him is the very best kind of twat to divorce if you play hard to start with.

Shame you can't go on the holiday - without him.

The thing is, even if you go on holiday, you're at the stage where you're planning on leaving him. You don't want to be there any more and you don't have to be placated by gestures. You don't need him to be the baddest man in town to be allowed to leave - if its not working for you, that's ok.

I asked him where we're going - dc2 isn't 2 yet so doesn't get a seat on the plane, is an absolute nightmare and I'd said after last holiday I don't want to fly anywhere again until he's big enough at least to have his own seat. Dh said flight is under 6 hours so it's hardly a long flight. I fucking give up.

I've agreed we'll all go on this holiday. Mainly because he told me about it in front of dc1. Hopefully, I can have a proper talk to him when we're away. I've been looking at houses in my DM's town. If I get even 15% of equity from this house I can buy a terrace house outright there. Dh saw I'd been looking on rightmove and joked was I planning on leaving him. I told him that yes, I was, as I explained last night. He just rolled his eyes and clearly doesn't believe me.

Dc's half term is 2 weeks. First week will be us on holiday. I've started writing down my list of issues and how they make me feel. I just get emotional when I start trying to explain how unhappy I am. I'll give that to him before we go and I want him to go through every point and tell me why he does it, why he thinks it's acceptable and how he's going to change. I think when he sees it written down like that he'll just refuse to engage. He can't cope with criticism and I know he won't engage with it.

I've asked him to do the same for me. He either won't do it or will write a list of criticisms that I know will just be the final straw for me. All his criticisms of me are looks related. He once told me that what I lacked in intelligence I made up for in looks so I need to make sure I always look good or I've not got that either!

Sorry meant to say if we don't sort everything, and I mean everything, out on holiday I'll be moving down to DM's in the second week. She volunteers at the school down the road from her and is going to speak to them next week to find out if they have space in dc1's year, what we'd need to do to enroll and get dc's additional help.

Please don't write those things down - he will use it against you. You know it's over, his inner core is that you are his servant and. It worthy of anything.

Doesn't matter what other people think or what they say. Leave start divorce proceedings ask for 75% equity and a share of his pension. It sounds like you will never be able to work due to DC SEN so you need a shut hot lawyer to get what you and your DC need.

This man is abusive and it will escalate, be prepared, go on holiday if you wish so as not to alert him but then go for your DC sake as well as your own.

Every post you make further illustrates how horrible this guy is.

You sound pretty decided, I absolutely hope you leave him as there is no way things will improve long term.

The only thing I would beware of is giving him enough notice to tie up finances, move money. Although if as you say you would do fine on even a small amount of the value of the house maybe it doesn't matter. However, forcing a sale is a long drawn out business.

So I'd say tone it down with the hard line on leaving and just be dispassionate about it on the holiday and give him enough rope to hang himself.

Or - and this is probably what I'd do - first toe out of line before the holiday and you pack and go and fuck his holiday. It'll save that 6 hour flight at least.

The holiday would have been the final straw for me to be honest. The sheer dismissiveness of that - like treating a dog for good behaviour -HE decides on the holiday, where, how, how long. You get no say because you're not really a person, just the wife. You're not even asked if it's convenient - he doesn't need to ask that, because it's something he's decided on, anything you had planned is obviously less important and can be cancelled. You can have treats 'done' to you, but you're not a person with a mind of your own, or preferences, or feelings. It shows so clearly how he actually sees you. Yet it'll be cited as an example of how caring he is.

He once told me that what I lacked in intelligence I made up for in looks so I need to make sure I always look good or I've not got that either!

Bloody hell. What a twat.

I don't think I'd go on that holiday. It will be awful. Unless you decide to stay.

And don't worry if he loses what he paid for the holiday.

Just caught up with this thread and wanted to say that you come across as extremely articulate, bright and funny - which is particularly impressive given the subject matter!
His comment regarding your intelligence was another nasty lie designed to keep you in your place.
I'd like to see him cope with the logistics of your life with just the support you have.
Bet he would be neither intelligent or 'good looking' enough to cope!

i think the list is a bad idea.

the holiday is a bad idea.

you've decided you're leaving. so leave and don't draw it out.

Make fuzzy noises about the holiday without being either too enthusiastic or too negative. It might be as well to let him think he's dampened down your anger. Meanwhile you can make plans. But don't feel obliged to actually go, no matter what he's said to the DC, if there is a good moment to make a break for it before then and you can get control of some money.

I am so angry on your behalf. He is do v elfish and disrespectful to you.
I read as far as you saying an affair would be a reason to split for family up, and came on to say that the best rain to split your family up is to let your children see you choosing happiness. Probably the best lesson they will see you have.
I'm so sorry op, it must be heart breakingly hard when someone turns out to be totally at odds with the person you thought they were.

I think the list is a bad idea too. He will simply come up with 'yes but you did XYZ' and it will get into a tit for tat argument.

Make sure you engage that lawyer (he does not need to know about it yet). It might be best to get one near your DM.

Deep down I think the list is probably a bad idea too. Maybe I won't show it to him. It's reassuring for me to look at though to see it written down in black and white what a monumental prick he has been to me.

I don't want to be the person who just gave up on our marriage though. I want him to explain why he felt he could do some of these things and maybe (very, tiny, possibly, maybe) that might make me understand better. I know it's trite but I really did mean my marriage vows when I said them. But I also grew up with my parents stuck in an unhappy marriage 'for the sake of the kids' and my sister and I once begging them to divorce. It's all just such a fuck up.

You won't get that explanation. And it wouldn't change anything.

how did he see you looked at rightmove?

How much is plane seat? If he won't pay, let DC sitcom his lap for 6 hrs?

All his criticisms of me are looks related. He once told me that what I lacked in intelligence I made up for in looks so I need to make sure I always look good or I've not got that either!

Do you know his national insurance number? I think that's important for CMS.