Who is behaving badly here

[SpotAGuillemot]

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

What was his response op? I don't think YABU at all.

If you did split he'd have a lot more bother looking after dc on his time. Are you in love with him & do you find the marriage fulfilling?

Could you get a nanny so you have some life of your own. Aside from DH problems you need fulfilment for yourself not just as the default parent

You’re threatening him with something that doesn’t bother him. He doesn’t even like you, let alone love you. He’s pushing you to the edge so you leave and then you’re the bad guy, not him.

Take control of your life - get some legal advice and make sure you have all the financial info you need then ask him to leave.

Abusive controlling and gas lighting.
What a nasty man he is.
Leave. Move closer to family.
Even if you've chosen to give him a chance, gt your ducks in a row as he will revert to this behaviour.

I cant get over you having to ask at 11pm, when he hasn't turned up, where he is...never mind the answer being out of the country.

And of course he would go behind your back if he was seeing someone else. No man tells his wife he is having an affair unless caught out

What was his reaction, op? Did he apologise?

His response was the same as always - if I don't like him having a high pressure job he'll quit and we'll have to sell the house as we'll have no money, he's working long hours to make sure we have a nice lifestyle and can afford a nice house and holidays, if I really need to know to the minute what time he'll be home he'll text me as soon as he's leaving. Just going on and on about do I want him to tell me exactly what he had for lunch? What time everyone else leaves th office? If he has a meeting scheduled for January in New York that might or might not go ahead? He just can't see that there is any difference between me wanting to know if/ when he'll be home and wanting to know the frequency and consistency of his shit.

None of which is what I want - I don't want him to quit his job, he enjoys it and I understand he has to work long hours and go abroad at short notice. I do appreciate all the nice things we can afford because of his job. I don't want him to text me the minute he's leaving unless he's leaving a 5-6ish. If, at say lunchtime, he sees he's got a meeting booked for 8pm he could just let me know then. 'I've got a meeting at 8, don't know how long it will take, I'll leave when it finishes, I'll eat food her.' That's all I want.

I just know he'll do that for a few days, then for a few days will text me when leaving the office, then after that it will be when he gets on the train, then after a week or so it'll go to texting me just as he's getting in the car at the station or not at all. Then it will be not at all and it all starts over again.

Ok so the next time he doesn't tell you, then you need to follow through on your threat, otherwise there's no downside to him.

Threats, patronising, bullying shit. Tells you all you already knew and what the future will continue to hold.

You have done this enough.
This was the last time.
He is draining you.

You need to prioritise you own MH so that you can be the best parent for your DCs. Everyone only has x% emotional energy and focus - he is taking this from you which means you have less for yourself and ultimately your DCs. Cut out the burden.

And no you dont want him to leave his job - you need him to keep cracking on so that he can support you all financially from afar...

I'm going to rookie. I ended up calling up my dm last night to talk to her about it. I've never told anyone about him doing it before because he genuinely made me feel like it was me being controlling. My dm is very opinionated on everything so I've never bitched about dh before. She was actually very understanding though and didn't start listing all his faults like I thought she would.

I told her I'd be straight at hers the next time she did it and she seemed very excited at the prospect!

This would be a deal breaker for me. How disrespectful and upsetting. Then saying that it’s YOU being needy is pretty mean as it deflects the attention from him. Even more
cruel to blame it on your depression. Maybe if you were more kindly treated you may feel a bit better.

My husband and I live in a big city and he comes home at roughly the same time each day. If he’s going to be more than 15 mins later than that he would usually text me.

We regularly get our diaries out together and discuss if he’s got a work thing or a social event. It’s planned in advance.

It’s just about knowing that someone is thinking about you and your life as well as their own.

He sounds like he’s got a decent job, so I would be inclined to suggest that he is just mean and selfish and not stupid to not understand your issue with this. Rather than try and explain your feelings, give him a choice - change or you’ll leave. You’re practically doing everything on your own anyway.

Good luck!

Oh my god, my stomach churned when I read this - at first I was seriously wondering if you're married to my xh. Virtually identical scenario.

In the end it was the discovery of multiple affairs that ended it. I wouldn't have believed he had time. He's now remarried, I'm much better off with a new Dp (whose whereabouts I generally know!) and what you're saying sums his new wife's situation up.

You need to be really really tough and lay things on the line with him. Be prepared to walk if things don't change. He's a selfish arsehole and doing exactly what suits him, not what's best for you and your family.

The sad thing is that I think I'd actually be ok with an affair or a secret life. Then I'd have a real reason to leave and I wouldn't feel guilty about breaking up our family.

That says it all. You want to leave. You wouldn't be breaking up the family. That's already happened and he is the one who has been doing it. He's already a part-time father, barely around, not part of the day-to-day of family life.

You know you want rid. You know he's going to go back to his old ways. You know you want to stick to your ultimatum. Plan your next move after you go to your mum's. What happens next?

He can see the difference between you asking reasonable questions and being controlling, he just doesn't want to. He wants to make you feel guilty, confused and upset because it suits him better like that.

He is either just an absolutely horrible person or he is up to something.

He is such an arse and it shows you how deliberate it has always been and it's a method of controlling you. It means your entire life every waking moment is geared around him with no space for you.

Don't alert him that it's over, make your plans and look into options. Do you want to relocate nearer your family or just move into the nearest town. Work out what will be best for you and the DC, get your ducks in a row because you know he isn't ever going to change.

The fact that you suffer from depression is irrelevant.

The fact that you are a SAHM is irrelevant.

It is in no way unreasonable to expect that your partner takes 20 seconds to text you an eta or let you know about dinner.

I bet all those highflying wives communicate with their DHs during the day regarding who will be home when, dinner and travel plans.

My DH travels for work regularly, sometimes at short notice. I am the first person he tells.

He always forwards me the email
with his flight and hotel confirmations so that I have them in case of emergency. It takes seconds.

You aren’t asking him to do anything taxing. You are asking him to take less than a minute out of his day.

You need to ask him why his wife isn’t worth a minute of his time or consideration.

He needs to think about what that says about him.

This isn’t about your mental health or your employment status, I’d expect a houseguest to let me know an eta and dinner plans never mind my husband.

My DH always phoned to tell me he was leaving work (my SiLs do the same) so that meals and childcare can be organised.

It's a perfectly normal thing to do.

There are some horrible men out there.

If he won't tell you when he's going to be around, it's it possible to operate as though he wasn't there at all? So no food ('Didn't know when you'd be home for it') No washing ('Did it earlier as didn't know when you'd be home...') Out at your mothers (Didn't know if you'd be around so made plans') etc etc

His response spins out your reasonable ask (I just want to know roughly when you’ll be back or whether you’re going abroad) into “stop nagging me about my every movement, so you really want to know what I had for lunch”. This is designed to make you look unreasonable and back off.

Hold on to the fact that he is unreasonable, not you. He is sucking your emotional energy and stopping uou being the best you can be.

Follow through on the threat next time he does this - leave him to enjoy his empty home, you and the DC are not there to be picked up and put down as he sees fit.

His response was the same as always - if I don't like him having a high pressure job he'll quit and we'll have to sell the house as we'll have no money, he's working long hours to make sure we have a nice lifestyle and can afford a nice house and holidays, if I really need to know to the minute what time he'll be home he'll text me as soon as he's leaving. Just going on and on about do I want him to tell me exactly what he had for lunch? What time everyone else leaves th office? If he has a meeting scheduled for January in New York that might or might not go ahead? He just can't see that there is any difference between me wanting to know if/ when he'll be home and wanting to know the frequency and consistency of his shit.

Serious gaslighting and deflection

None of which is what I want - I don't want him to quit his job, he enjoys it and I understand he has to work long hours and go abroad at short notice. I do appreciate all the nice things we can afford because of his job. I don't want him to text me the minute he's leaving unless he's leaving a 5-6ish. If, at say lunchtime, he sees he's got a meeting booked for 8pm he could just let me know then. 'I've got a meeting at 8, don't know how long it will take, I'll leave when it finishes, I'll eat food her.' That's all I want.

completely reasonable. But actually you might have nice things and a nice house, but I dont think you have a very nice lifestyle, do you?

I wonder if your depression would suddenly lift if you didnt have this constant anxiety every day. Although he sounds like the kind of twat who would mess you around in the same manner about contact arrangements, and you would be bending over backwards trying to maintain their relationship

He's full of shit.

Mines the same. He just comes and goes as he pleases and he could easily tell me most of his meetings though I understand there'll be some last minute ones.

He doesn't just turn up at the airport and catch a flight if there's one available. He'll have had it booked at least a few hours earlier and could easily let you know when it's booked or on his way to the airport.

What about luggage? Does he have a suitcase ready all the time?

His work will know where he is. If he's so high up he could make sure his pa keeps you aware of his movements.

What I've ended up doing is not cooking him anything unless he's told me he's home and living my life as if he wasn't there. If he's around then he can join in or get a takeaway if there's nothing for him to eat.

very inconsiderate. i don't like the gas lighting. or saying you're nagging. hardly!

what is your relationship like on the very few occasions he is around?

what would happen if you phoned his work - do you think they'd back up what he says? if he texts 'I'm in sweden' and you phone work the next morning to ask for the number of his hotel because you can't get through on his phone?

You don't sound controlling, but he certainly does.

I'm with those saying he quite enjoys treating you like this, and I don't think it's any coincidence that you've ended up stuck in the middle of nowhere, isolated and dependant on him.

I wouldn't bother to speak to him about it any more. His wilful misunderstanding of it all tells you all you need to know - he knows fucking full well what he's doing. A normal relationship involves people being on the same team and just knowing these things, it's just how a good relationship works - yep you say when you're coming home, you let the person who'll be cooking for you know if you are going to be there. The calling you from another country to inform you he won't be home is astounding. Bet he gets a real kick out of hearing the tone of your voice when he does that one.

I really do not think you will be with this person long term.

Next time, go to your mums. And when he calls, just tell him you've had it, and you know that suggestion of him giving up work so you'd have to buy a smaller house? Well you've had a think and it sounds great. You're not coming back to that house to carry on being insulted and isolated and treated like shit, so yes if he could arrange to change jobs, downsize the house so you're in a town, you'll see whether there's any point in trying again.

Nasty little man.

Unfortunately I think you saying this will simply elongate the crap you have to deal with, as you said he'll be ok for a bit then slip back into old habits. Do you really want to go round his roundabout for years?

I don't want to spend my life waiting for him to come home. I explained to him (again) last night about how serious I was about it. I really will just fuck off to DM's next time he does. And he will do it. I've spent this afternoon packing a bag so I can just go.

My DM's house is big enough for dc's and me, there's a lovely little school down the road, some of my old school friends live in the town still. Dm would love having us there, although hopefully it wouldn't be long term and I can get us a house nearby. It's funny, now I've decided to do it I'm actually feeling really positive about it. I'm actually hoping he fucks up pretty soon.

Gives you and your Mum a few weeks at best to sort everything out.

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