Who is behaving badly here

[SpotAGuillemot]

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

I'd do exactly that, just make your own plans, week and weekend and fuck him.

But I do think it's a more serious than a bit of passive aggressiveness, he sounds controlling and he's gaslighting you. He will know where and when he's going, otherwise flights and hotels would be a nightmare.

Go to your mums random weekends. He wants to live like a single man without a care for your basic needs or mental health. The information you require is normally communicated in loving relationships. He clearly enjoys the control of keeping you on your toes and forcing you to be kept in the dark.

I find it really hard to believe he can be sent abroad on the same day with no notice at all. What does he do for luggage? Does he keep a stock of spare shirts, pants and a toothbrush at the office in case he gets asked to go to Sweden on any given day? It's ludicrous. So it does look much more like he just enjoys the mind control of you never knowing where he is or when he's coming back. That is not someone you want to be your life partner.

OP I'd go to your mum's for the weekend in the morning - whether or not he's returned tonight. If he's there, tell him you're taking a spontaneous trip like he does all the time. How far away does your mum live? If you were leaving him is that where you'd move to?

HE knows where you are and what your routines are. You have no idea where he is or what his plans are. Seems weird

I’d consider divorce and moving close to family or friends

No, I've not rung him. 11pm is my cut off point before I ask (very nicely) if he'll be coming home.

It's a 5 hour drive to DM's. I'm too angry/ sad to sleep though. Maybe I'll drive some of the way and stay at a hotel. Realistically I'll sit here feeling sorry for myself, dh will come home at midnight, I'll ask him why he didn't tell me when he'd be back, he'll do a sad face and tell me how hard he's working to look after us all and all I do is nag him.

I would head to your mum's. Give him a dose of his own medicine. I wonder how long it will take him to notice you're gone?

Christ a phone call or text isn't that hard. Surely he must know when he's going abroad as he'd need to take stuff with him. He's controlling at best. At worst...well I think you know that. He knows life isn't easy with a dc with Sen and he thinks he can mess you about with no repercussions. It's not on!

I'm really pretty sad reading this. My X and I both worked full time with quite a bit of out of town trips or trips abroad. We had to book at least a month in advance - now as divorced parents we plan a couple of months in advance for trips abroad. We are always having to alert each other to the weeks ahead - nights away. And our kids are teens.

I just feel like because you are at home caring for your children he's treating you like a motel. This is not okay. Its disrespectful to family life and to you. Any relationship needs to be nurtured. I cannot see how he is doing that.

Control. This is all about controlling you in every way. Who's idea was it to move to an isolated place? His, I bet.

You are now almost totally dependant on him for adult company, and he is fucking with your head by not letting you know when he is coming back? He is an evil, twisted bastard - leave him. Seriously.

Nooo! As PPs have said, no way can he not know he's off abroad till he gets there. What, does he expect you to believe he has been abducted to Sweden and woke up there and has only jut found out where he is. Pfffft to that. He is playing games and fully gaslighting you to somehow accuse you of nagging because you want to know where he is/if/when he'll be home. No-one, but no-one in any kind of normal family relationship does that.

Yes, i get that it might not have been such an issue before kids but he was actually MORE informative and reliable then.

God only knows what his weird issues and reasons are, but that isn't your concern. You need to get yourself to somewhere where there is reliable support and adult company. Every day. Perhaps start considering a move near to your Mum's. But I think you will be warned by people who know about these things on here, that if he is as abusive as he appears to be, you might need to plan it in secret.

This is awful OP. I would be beyond raging if my partner just turned up as and when he felt and then made ME feel bad for asking. God knows how you do it - I absolutely could not live a life like yours not knowing where he is and having absolutely no support I could rely on.

It always astounds me how men willingly have children and then abscond responsibility as the woman's work. It's not your fault as he said much the same before having kids so it's like his led you down a merry path. I'm really sorry

Don't ring him tonight OP. You know what you'll get if you do. Let him wonder why you're not 'nagging' if anything. And tomorrow, or whenever you're ready, head off to your mum's and leave him to do whatever the hell he is doing.

This is genuinely horrible. You must be an incredibly strong person to have dealt with it for so long.
It's inconceivable that his colleagues are not telling their partners when or if they are coming home.
Being worried about 'nagging' if you call him before 11pm and going without adult company for days is heart wrenching.

You have to make some changes. I don't think anyone could live like this.

Completely abusive, make your plans and go.

If I were you OP I'd pack a small bag tonight with overnight stuff, get up tomorrow, go out, switch my phone off and come back on Sunday evening.

I might switch it in and text 'don't nag me' once, assuming he'd called a few times, just for laughs.

He's being outrageous. My DH is v absorbed by his work. Often works late. Travels. I don't ring or text him to ask where he is much because he calls / texts / emails me to let me know. Sometimes if he works late he doesn't realise the time so then I call him.

He consults me in advance on travel and books it into my diary. Drops dc at school each morning. Generally I do the evening but He will always come back earlier if I have something to do, work or social.

I balled him out last week for falling asleep on the sofa before kids bedtime at the weekend after working late and leaving me to do it undiscussed.

Your DH is using your unhappiness against you. Stop him. If he doesn't change pronto, LTB, move somewhere you're happier and your DH will have to sort out his reliability issues when he has the kids EOW. The rest of the time you'll know where you are.

I think his behaviour is very inconsiderate and you're understandably pissed off. I think that sometimes blokes don't understand that when you're asking them politely to do something, you're actually telling them to do it. Mine, especially in the early days, needed to be hit with the metaphorical sledgehammer. If it didn't bother you before kids, maybe he hasn't grasped how important it is to you now, and that you require and need different things now that circumstances have changed. I'm not trying to excuse him but I really think that sometimes even clever, decent blokes can be remarkably obtuse. Hope you get through this, look after yourself x

This thread has made me really sad.

Your DH isn’t kind to you. When the kindness is lost, the love goes.

You going to your mums, not cooking him dinner, all that stuff - al it does is cement how far apart you two are.

I would really start getting your ducks in a row and working out how you live without him. I’d suggest moving to somewhere less isolated as a start, you need to find a support network.

Whose idea was the rural move? Really and truly - do you believe it was best for the DC?

Because it wasn't best for you. And you are effectively solo parenting a SN DC. So in rural areas the extra back up you might get (access to more specialised babysitters etc) will be much more limited.

I'd be strongly considering moving.

No one goes abroad without telling their DP and the mother of their DC. It's beyond disrespectful and he's either spectacularly thick/selfish to believe otherwise, or he has ulterior motives.

In no way is it good, or forgiveable.

Stop contacting him when he's out. Go to your mum's tomorrow first thing.

I was also going to ask whose idea it was to live out in the sticks.

Bcs you're looking extremely isolated from here

OP, I don't think you sound the least bit depressed by the way.

Your husband is behaving very badly. I would be an utterly ice queen bitch, tell him you've had it, that you're going to your mums for half term and if things don't change you are thinking about xyz...(divorce?)

This is the type of thing that gradually goes from ok (pre kids) to not ok & then all of a fucking sudden it's fucking unbelievably utterly un-fucking believable!

How are you feeling today, op? I hope posting on here is helping you to have clarity in your thoughts.

I'm ok today thanks. Dh came home at 11.30ish. I told him that the next time he doesn't tell me when he'll be home the kids and I will be gone. I really mean it.

Glad you are accessing your inner rage and using it assertively!

Do you think he sensed a change in you?

You need to start looking at an exit plan because he is only going to get worse.
You are in effect a single parent. He is a single man who happens to be married!
He is emotionally abusive, passive aggressive in the extreme.
Not letting you know what time he is going to be home or when he is leaving the country is emotional abuse no matter what type of 'spin' he wants to put on it.

All this behaviour is to wear you down and no wonder you are depressed?!...he has you completely isolated from other people.

This is classic abusive behaviour but it has you doubting yourself the whole time because he has you on the back foot and you do not know from one day to the next what is going on in your life which stops you from thinking straight and has you totally confused.

Giving an ultimatum to this type of person very rarely works and usually triggers an escalation in the behaviour.

You need to ask yourself if this is the life you want for yourself and actually put yourself first for a change.