Is this a reasonable response from DH?

[AngeloMysterioso]

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

I am a SAHM. My husband doesn't give me an 'allowance' from his wages like I am a child! I have full access to the (joint) bank account and can spend as I see fit. Because he trusts me and views me as an equal. I would not agree to this set up at all, if I were you.

Your debt isn't ideal but is also very manageable.

Your DH IBU.

Bit unfortunate that you now owe his parents the money but you can still leave and divorce their son. They may be reasonable enough to accept a schedule of regular repayments: if they are not happy, they still won't have any legal right to harass you for immediate repayment.

But this marriage is very abusive and this man is going to progress pretty quickly to hitting you. He's a scumbag who despises women.

If my friend came to my house and told me what you've told us here, and then her husband sent her an abusive text like that, I'd be seriously worried about her and I'd also ring him up and tell him to shove his abusive crap up his arse.

He'll give you an allowance? No fucking thanks.

Understatement of the century - NO this is not a reasonable response from your DH. (In response to your opening question.)

And, involving his parents in YOUR personal business from prior to your engagement even 🙀🙀🙀. Words fail me!!

I would SERIOUSLY be questioning how I could possibly move forward with this individual following what has happened. Yes, I truly believe it is THAT serious.

Those texts are chilling, he is a nasty piece of work. I think I remember your thread about him before you married him and it hasn't got any better. Do not let him control your money.

Wow.

I think you need to think hard a long about how he's reacted to this and how he wants to treat you going forward.

Yes, you should have told him about the loan. But that fact does not in any way give him the right to order you around, threaten you (if you know what's good for you tones), and take your money and give you an allowance. Stand firm and say no. You are a grown up. You made a grown up decision to take out a loan when you were single. You were paying it back like a grown up. Tell him you will no long discuss it.

As for his parents, while it was very kind of them to calm things down and lend you the money, DO NOT AGREE with them that your loan was "a mistake" (everyone makes mistakes comment). You took out a loan. THat wasn't a mistake. Not telling your DH was, but not the loan.

YOur DH needs to get a grip. He is not your boss. And if thinks he is, you need to run like the wind.

Statistics show physical abuse most commonly begins when the woman is pregnant or shortly after the birth which is another compelling reason not to have a child with this man. He clearly cannot control his rage and erupts over small things

This is beyond unreasonable.
I cannot imagine my DH speaking or behaving towards me in this way. If he did, I think we would be over as a couple.
There are no circumstances under which I would relinquish financial independence either. Please don't agree to this.

He’s involved his parents?

Do not take their cash to pay it off.

He massively overreacted. Really think carefully about whether you should continue this relationship. He seems very aggressive and controlling

This "man" sounds like a fucking lunatic.

For the love of god do not let him have ANY control over your finances. HE's controlling, abusive and quite frankly a disgusting excuse for a husband.

If my husband spoke to me like that our marriage would be over. End of.

The money aspect is a total red herring here - the invasion of privacy, the locking you out, the way he spoke to you - not just via texts but face to face. You're not an animal or a slave to order around, you're supposed to be his wife, someone he respects. His actions are not that of respect, but of someone who feels they have lost CONTROL.

It started as £5.5k, of which I'd paid £2k back. So £3.5k left

So £5.5k and not the £3.5k you originally stated.

You didn't think £5.5k was worth telling him about when you decided to spend even more money on getting married and you're still minimising it, even to a bunch of strangers on the internet. I'd be fuming at your lies too if I were him.

Having said all that, there's absolutely no excuse for his reaction and assertion that he wants complete control. I really wouldn't stand if any of it.

Involving his parents was probably about public humiliation for the Op with a "But you have seen how badly she treats me!" card to tuck away for later.

He sounds (and speaks) a lot like someone I used to now, so I may be projecting, but it creeps me out how it sounds like both of them read a "fast track to controlling your wife" script somewhere. And you may think this is too much, that he's being such a sweetheart right now, but is that just the cycle? Has he ever flipped at you like this before?

I'm sorry OP but he is a bully. Telling you to get out, then telling you to get home, locking you out then storming in early in the morning is a form of mental torture. My first husband started off like that then later on started knocking me about.
This is not acceptable.
I would not not tolerate this.

Please see this as a MASSIVE WARNING SIGN.

Look how he has treated you over a debt you have been managing and controlled properly when you lost your job. You never underpaid him what he decided your share was and so many people are left with nothing or even overdrawn at the end of the month.

He treats you like shit, tries to embarrass you by dragging his parents into it and making out you are shit with your finances.

Now imagine.

Having a child. Being on maternity not able to make ends meet out of your 'allowance' or having no income at all.

Does he sound like he is going to be a good supportive partner in a healthy relationship?

Having a loan and paying it off well or managing it does not adversely affect your credit rating.

Plus by the time you got around to a mortgage application after house hunting, most of it would have been cleared down so wouldn't affect what you could get.

Count your blessings you have no DC or real financial ties and run away fast!

Don't let this man have your salary and control of your income. You will regret that forever.

Please, please listen to the 99.9% of posters who are clearly telling you to re-evaluate this relationship. The man has shown his true colours and you need to react accordingly.

He was great when my Dad was ill. Struggled to understand my MH problems at first as it wasn't something he'd ever really experienced before, but otherwise really supportive.

He might be the type who is happy in a certain role - the protector, the big man who fixes everything for his little lady? Which would explain why he went ballistic when he found out you'd made a decision without him.

You're not really interacting with most of the posts here OP, i think you're finding this overwhelming, maybe telling yourself we're over-reacting ad he has a lot of good points. But there are some obvious red flags here, take notice of them. And think very carefully if the subject of children comes up. There are far too many stories of abusive men controlling their wives or ex's via the children on this site. Please don't add to them!

(By that I mean, please be as sure as you can be that you will not be procreating with an abusive arsehole, not that I'm asking you to not ask for help in the future!)

His reaction is very over the top. However by freezing the account and stopping interest has the lender put a note on your credit file saying you cannot maintain payments? This could scupper your chance of getting future finance and his if he has ever applied for joint credit with you (created a financial association). I believe it remains on your file for 36 months.

His reaction was awful and taking control of your finances is ridiculous for the sake of 3.5k but if it's caused adverse credit i can understand it could be a deal breaker for some people.

A number of people on this thread are saying that the OP should have told her husband about this loan, that she was being deceitful in keeping it from him, and that in that respect they agree that the husband was right to be angry.

I really don't understand that perspective. This is a couple whose finances were not combined on marriage, this is a loan which was being managed by the OP, and she was continuing to manage it since being made redundant. It's not a big deal at all, and if he hadn't opened her mail - is that not illegal? - he would never have known. This is not a case of someone having massive debts which they cannot pay, or secretly remortgaging the house, or shoving final demands down the back of the couch.

He has nothing to be angry about, nothing at all! Nothing really, even to be slightly miffed about.

A 3.5k loan being paid on time every month (including interest) assuming its 100/150 a month would barely affect some lenders affordability assuming no other loans or cc debt. (One lender it would make 0 difference too).

OP look back over this thread, everyone, even those that say you shouldn't have had the loan, all agree that this will only get worse for you. He will become more controlling, and worse again if you have children, don't sacrifice your independence by putting your salary into his account and be given what is basically pocket money.

What I think is particularly worrying is his attitude to you. How dare he speak to you like that? All over a ridiculously small amount of money.

Many years ago I worked with someone who came into work crying, with a split lip and cuts to her face, her DH had kicked out at her because she hadn't done his shoe laces up fast enough. I was 17 years old and I knew, right then, that I would never let myself get into a situation like that. Her first red flag? Six months into the marriage when he had become controlling over money, and insisted that she put her salary into his account and he gave her (no where near enough) housekeeping. 10 years and three children later and she was stuck, scared and scarred.

Don't be that woman OP.

Sorry to post again, check if it is an arrangement to pay. It will show as AP on your credit file. A quick google reckons it remains on your file 6 years but you should double check that.

He jumped on the first opportunity he could to control you. And you didn't take the first opportunity to tell him to fuck off. You will kow tow to him and this will be your life, sadly.

You should never have married this man, the signs were there.