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Original poster

Is this a reasonable response from DH?

296 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 03/10/2017 14:23

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
expatinscotland · 03/10/2017 16:08

You need to get a job, ANY job and leave.

Loopytiles · 03/10/2017 16:09

Jeez yes, get a job asap!

stitchglitched · 03/10/2017 16:10

Isn't this the man who you caught lying to you about an OW just before your wedding? It sounds like he has jumped on this as a reason to turn the tables deflect from his own guilt. Now you are the 'liar' and he can play the victim. He sounds awful, those texts are abusive.

glitterbiscuits · 03/10/2017 16:11

I didn’t think like this existed in 2017.

I wouldn’t let Brad Pitt talk to me like this.

glitterbiscuits · 03/10/2017 16:12

*men like this existed.

May50 · 03/10/2017 16:13

Massive over-reaction on your DH's part.

As others have said do not have DC with him, do not pay your salary to him!

And ordering you to sleep on the sofa, telling you off like a little child, speaking to you like that etc - no, not acceptable.

Mix56 · 03/10/2017 16:13

What ? oh this is peachy....

MissFlashpants · 03/10/2017 16:13

You know what OP?

I'm a dick with money. DH is MILES better than me. In fact, he's transferred a load of my debt onto his credit card as he has a better credit rating so gets 0% interest cards easily.

There have been tons of times in the past where I've caused us issues with debt I ran up when I was a student. And we're now working to pay it all off in the next year or so.

In all the years we've been paying it off, he has never ever treated me like your husband has treated you.

It's 3.5k. It's a small amount of debt. He needs to get a grip immediately, or you should be out of there. Do not let him control you financially; he's showing you his controlling abusive tendencies now.

Mix56 · 03/10/2017 16:14

reference to OW .....

liquidrevolution · 03/10/2017 16:14

I bought a house and married my DH a year later with 4.5k of credit card debt that he didn't know about. It was post grad course fees on a 0% interest card. This was 6 years ago and all paid off now.

So long as the debt is manageable and payments are kept up to date then all is fine. You have done the mature thing contacting the loan company and freezing it so I really dont see what his problem is.

He sounds a twat. I would really consider procreating with this one. Certainly do not get into an arrangement where he controls your finances. A joint account for mortgage and bills with each of you transferring into it each month leaving the same amount in your personal accounts for personal expenditure. Obviously your loan repayment will come from your personal account.

JemimaLovesHamble · 03/10/2017 16:15

"If you had any sense you'd be doing whatever I said for the time being"

OP, really...

Your relationship with this guy is heading in one direction, and not a positive one.

wibblywobblywoo · 03/10/2017 16:15

Gosh, seeing it like that, is shocking. To speak to anyone like that, not once but again and again, is far from OK.

But what to do? Only you know the reality of your life with DH, the real day to day stuff and how you feel about him, the marriage etc. etc. BUT it would make me very wary to commit too much, financially or emotionally and that's not the best ground to build a solid marriage on.

I have a friend who is married to a man who is also controlling - it was obvious from VERY early on that he was like this, we talked about it, both her parents said they didn't like him because of the way he behaved but she decided it would be OK and she married him. He isn't violent, he has his own business, they live in a nice house but - he's still the same, she makes the best of it but that's all it will ever be, everything has to be on his terms or he has a tantrum. That's their life, it was her choice but it wouldn't have been mine.

You've had a bit of a shock OP and unless there have been many other examples of your DH being like this it may, just may, be a one-off. But like Heebies I think the debt to his parents is a mistake - is there anyone in your family who could pay them back for you - as soon as possible. And then, well, as others have said you need to be listed as joint owners of the flat, you need to pay an equal amount into a joint a/c and keep the rest in your own account. And you need to decide if you want to take the risk to carry on through life with someone who talks to you and treats you as he did. Good luck.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 03/10/2017 16:16

Christ those texts are scary. Not sure if you can see what the rest of us see OP but really, your future with this man is a very sad story.

tsarista · 03/10/2017 16:18

LTB.

He's setting you up. Red flag for abusive behaviour!

Leave and be by yourself for a while...

Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 03/10/2017 16:19

It started as £5.5k, of which I'd paid £2k back. So £3.5k left. No backstory really, I'm often skint at the end of the month but other than that I'm no worse with money than the average person. I keep an eye on my credit rating as I want to build it up as much as I can before we start looking to move.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/10/2017 16:20

My response to him asking for my wages in his account would have been " your going to need to backtrack and apologise really hard tonight if YOU want to stay married" abusive controlling twat

^ This 100%

I couldn't be married to him

No way would I have been marched to his parent's.

You were paying the debt and got interest frozen.
Your husbsnd sounds very unpleasant. Having a child with him would be a bad idea ...you're then tied to him for life.

expatinscotland · 03/10/2017 16:22

'I keep an eye on my credit rating as I want to build it up as much as I can before we start looking to move.'

Just stop right there. You are being warned here, by him, that he's abusive. So buying a home with him will entangle you further.

PoorYorick · 03/10/2017 16:22

What am I missing? You took out the loan before you were committed to him and you were on track paying it back. Why was he even opening your post to start with? And now you have to be utterly financially dependent on him?

Run.

OverinaFlash · 03/10/2017 16:23

Are you ok with his parents being involved in every aspect of your life decisions if he disagrees with you?

Willswife · 03/10/2017 16:24

I am now married and we have joint finances,

As a single woman I would;d have taken out a loan without speaking to my partner if I'd wanted to. I would not seek permission for something that was my choice and my responsibility. To be honest, even now I'm married I wouldn't be bothered if I found out my husband had a loan I didn't know about.

Even when married, your partner has no obligation to take on your debt and it will not affect their credit rating should you fail to pay.

I think his reaction is far worse than your secrecy, even if I did consider it his business to have known about it in the first place.

Jux · 03/10/2017 16:25

Yes, I'm sure you're perfectly good at managing money. My bank to,d me that it's better to have a few loans/ccs so you can show you pay regularly and are responsible, which increases your credit rating and thus helps when applying for others/cc/morgage (in oarticular, mortgage). So his insistence that your loan's paid off is not necessarily the best thing to have done.

But, much more importantly, what is your dh like in other ways? When your dad became ill, how was your dh? Was he supportive, kind and gentle? Did he go our of his way to help you cope?

FizzyGreenWater · 03/10/2017 16:26

This isn't workable.

He has shown you as clearly as possible what his attitude to you is. No-one in a good, equal, loving relationship speaks like that - feels ever justified in acting like that - to their partner.

He spoke to you like a dog.

He had and continues to have no right to dictate to you and I very much hope you tell him to fuck right off if he thinks he gets to take charge of finances.

You had EVERY RIGHT to take out a loan before you were even engaged. Every right. You were together but your finances were your own business. I can guess too why you wouldn't want to discuss taking out a loan with your nasty, dictatorial, bossy, controlling boyfriend-at-the-time. A normal relationship would obviously have seen you do so - but this is so clearly not or ever has been a good relationship, so you didn't.

And then yes, when you were preparing to marry and thus join finances - this is where it becomes his business and you should have discussed it. It's so obvious why you didn't. Far easier to pay off and not have him hectoring and screaming and intimidating you, and dragging you to his parents to be publicly humiliated, because simple punishment in the home isn't enough.

If this is how you want your life to be, stay with him. Hiding things. Not talking. Keeping the peace. Keeping your head low and taking the verbal batterings when you step out of line. Being unable to ask his opinion on things or feel like you have a proper life partner. Just a screamy nagging boss.

Be prepared to see your children do the same until they're old enough to tell him to do one, and then you won't see them for dust.

You have only been married a short time. He absolutely isn't a nice person and you don't have to stay with him.

And yes I just checked out your username as per the post above and you've already had issues with him very likely lying and being involved with someone else already, so no, it isn't that his standards are sooo much higher than yours - it's just that he's an abusive shit.

KitKat1985 · 03/10/2017 16:28

Well, I'd be pretty pissed off to be fair if my spouse had debt he hadn't told me about before we got married, BUT he is massively over-reacting and being a dick about your wages being paid into his account.

user1495443009 · 03/10/2017 16:28

He is overreacting and being very controlling. The fact that he opened your post means that he doesn't trust you; is there any other reasons for him not trusting you? If there isn't then he is being very controlling and abusive. I would say the same if it was the other way around. However we do not know the full story and he may be scared/stressed if he thinks you have other financial problems.

Katedotness1963 · 03/10/2017 16:29

"Get your fucking coat and get home"

Then pointing to where you're going to sleep like you're a dog being sent to its basket?

I'm almost completely spineless but those two things would have enraged me! I'm actually tense just reading that.