Is this a reasonable response from DH?

[AngeloMysterioso]

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

TheRealBiscuit - for a start why would you open your partner's post? If my partner opened my post deliberately and started kicking off about what was in it, it would be Game Over.

This is a debt dating from before the marriage. It was a loan. Payments are agreed and under control. Yes, it is may be something OP should have mentioned, but it does NOT warrant the ensuing shit-storm about "having to work fucking hard to stay married". And being TOLD to pay her salary into HIS account and have an allowance doled out every month.

Not sure what your definition of abusive and controlling is.

He sounds like a scary, controlling wanker, I'm sorry. My husband and I both had some debt from before we got married (student loan debt, he has a credit card though not much on it). Neither of us have any idea what sort of debt the other has. I mean I could take a guess, but truly I don't know. Because he's an adult and I trust him to manage his own finances, and we trust each other to bring up an issue with the other if there is one. There are no issues, both of us very financially secure and responsible, so we don't talk about it. I don't see a small loan you are repaying on time as an issue. It's your personal business. Now if you took it out since you've been married, that is a bit of a different issue and you should have talked about it with each other, but still, your credit, your money, you get to do what you want. But he can't be upset that you have a loan from the past that isn't in arrears that he didn't know about, so long as you didn't fraudulently take it out in his name or something. We all lived lives before we got with our partners/got married and I don't think you need to disclose your entire financial history to someone when it doesn't affect them (you are paying on time, it's a small amount anyway). At most, he might have been annoyed you didn't bring it up with him, but his reaction is completely overblown.

Honestly, it sounds like an excuse to be financially abusive and control you, which is exactly what he's trying to do. Has he been controlling or abusive about other things? Just the language he used to talk to you makes me think he has. I'm pretty sure even if I had an affair (not that I have or would), my husband wouldn't even speak to me like that!

But clearly he isn't as they've had separate finances all along. Whose idea was that I wonder? The OP's so she could conceal the fact that she's in debt which he would also be liable for if they split?

And of course the responses would be different if the situation was reversed people would be telling her to ltb and to have an escape fund etc etc.

And £3.5k is subjective. The OP isn't working so finances are likely tighter than normal, and now the DH has discovered that she took out debts before they were married which she hasn't paid off and never thought to tell him about? What other secrets is she keeping from him?

Also the talk of him controlling the finances happened in the heat of an argument. An argument which was justified given the circumstances.

Don’t agree to it! If my OH turned out to have a loan I didn’t know about I’d be a bit upset that he hadn’t mentioned it to me but unless it had serious financial implications for us I wouldn’t get angry about it.
It doesn’t sound like you’re bad with money by getting one loan so why should your DH control your money?! My OH is crap with money so I handle bills and he gives me the money for them then he does what he wants with what he has left.

It's not a huge debt, you're managing it fine, and as you haven't combined your finances you're just paying it off with 'your' money each month - it's not like your siphoning it off the joint account in secret. I think his reaction is a bit ridiculous but money is such an emotional subject for many people.

He is threatening you into submission.
Do not give him all of your money.

Is your name on the mortgage too?

How long have you been married?

This isn't a man I'd stay married to. How dare he order you out of your own home, then demand you come home .... then lock you out and mskes you sleep on the sofa.

I'm just wondering why in east you would tolerate this, much less his proposal to give you an allowance out of your salary.

He is abusive and controlling and I'd happily walk away from his bullying.

Do you have children?

Honestly reading your OP.... I thought this can't be true. You aren't a child.

But clearly he isn't as they've had separate finances all along. Whose idea was that I wonder? The OP's so she could conceal the fact that she's in debt which he would also be liable for if they split?

It wasn't anyone's idea, really- when I moved in he said how about you give me this amount each month to cover bills etc, so that's what we've always done. There's never been a reason to change it.

We've been together 4 and a half years, married since July. No DC (yet) my name isn't on the mortgage or any household bills, we have no assets together.

He opened your mail?

It does seem clear that you can't be trusted with money and that moreover, that you're not honest about it. TBH it would be a deal breaker for me and the relationship would be over.

I imagine that would come as somewhat of a relief to your significant other if that's the way you think biscuit.

OP your finances have always been separate and that's how he wanted it. Your manageable debt is no Ines business but your own. Who on earth does he think he's talking to? You're his wife not his indentured servant. I know people like this, my parents and my ex H, this is not how emotionally healthy people behave. It's how abusive people behave.

The loan from before you were married was being paid off by you in instalments. You have also had that account suspended so it would not accrue any more interest. You have done the right things re this loan to date and have not buried your head in the sand over it. His reaction to your loan is disproportionate.

Re your comment:-

"He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary".

This is in no way acceptable either; getting an allowance like this is demeaning to you as a person. He will exert simply more power and control over you by doing this at all. Making you hand over your salary to him is him being financially abuse. My guess as well is that he is not just financially abusive to you either; he is abusive to you in other ways too.

The only thing it would affect is if you ever went for a joint mortgage where it would affect affordability.

He's an abusive, controlling fuck. NO way do you put your salary into his account. He doesn't get to boss you around. 'He had a tendency to overreact'. Yeah, he does. You're allowed to sleep in your own bed and not be bullied into a panic attack.

' He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?'

NO! And under NO circumstances do you ever become financially dependent on this man.

In fact, his abusive text to your last night and treatment of you, I'd move to separate.

He's using this to ramp up abuse.

Yes she should have told him about the debt before marrying him. Also he is probably worrying about money if OP has been made redundant. If it was me and I discovered this about my dh, I'd be cross at the debt being hidden and we'd have had a very serious conversation about it. That would not include ordering my husband from the house and then ordering him back again, involving my parents, and demanding complete control of all the money.

OP, I'd have told him fuck off from the first get out of the house right on through everything that happened.

He is either a controlling fucker or cannot control his reactions. Either way I'd be seriously reconsidering the whole thing.

Is he this controlling in other areas of life, or does he overreact about other things? Trying to work out if he has huge issues about money or if he is just horrible....

he sounds like a freaking lunatic!

It's a loan. everybody makes mistakes what hell? It's a just a LOAN! And it sounds like you've had it fully under control. I am baffled.

If you are married the house and assets should be jointly owned. Your name needs to go onto the mortgage.
I don't like the way he spoke to you by text (the language he used) nor the fact that he tried to lock you out or made you sleep on the sofa and then woke you in the middle of the night. He sounds very controlling and rather a bully. I suggest that you consider your options before you have children. What if he behaves like this with them?

OK, politely refuse his parents' offer of money, then move out as quick as possible. This man will get worse, not better. This isn't the first time he's bullied or threatened you, is it?
You don't need his permission or his co-operation to leave him and you can cut him out of your life completely as there are no DC (that's why I'm saying: don't accept money from his parents or he will use it as a reason to harass and control you further.)
It doesn't matter that you kept a small, controllable debt from him. It's the fact that he tried to order you about like you're a naughty dog, tried to lock you out of your home and then woke you up in the middle of the night to shout at you.
He's an absolute prick.

No that is not reasonable of him. Husbands having total control of their wife's money stopped being legal in the late 19th century. Is that when he would prefer to live?

Do you pay towards the mortgage in the money you give him to cover bills? If so, then you're paying but the house is solely in his name. It will only get worse from this point if you let him control your salary. Deal breaker time. Tell him no and if that means the end of the marriage, that's what will happen.

I can see why he's upset tbh.

£3.5k of debt is a lot to hide.

3.5k can be paid off relatively easily,- not when you've been made redundant it can't.

You lied by omission. But he's massively overreacted and his suggestion of him controlling all the money wouldn't fly with me.

I think unfortunately both of your attitudes to finances are poles apart and I can't see this (your relationship) working out long term.

The only thing it would affect is if you ever went for a joint mortgage where it would affect affordability.

I know that's one thing he's angry about- we are hoping to get a new place together in perhaps the next year or so and he thinks that because of this any mortgage application would be rejected outright, or we'd only be able to get a 2 bed flat somewhere miles away as opposed to an actual house.

And what would the reaction be if someone posted on here that they'd opened their husband's post and discovered that they had debts of £3.5k from before the marriage that they'd decided never to tell them about? - but that's not the issue is it, ok so the OP owes some money and she could have mentioned it - but the problem here is the enormous aggressive over-reaction, even down to bringing his parents into it. The interest was suspended, the OP is pay it off, aside from an apology why should he expect anything else? OP wasn't asking him for money, she is looking for work, the property isn't in her name.

OP you should never have to accept being treated like this, you need to tell him you are re-assessing the relationship. Particularly as you now owe his parents money (how the actual fuck is that better? seems to have made things 10 times worse) - if you are managing payments and its a non-prority debt then to borrow money off relatives was even more stupid and that's down to him. Its like he's setting you up.

Also agree with pp, you don't have dc yet and have not been married that long....I would make sure that no dc come on the scene until you have reconsidered this relationship.