Is this a reasonable response from DH?

[AngeloMysterioso]

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

"Yeah well if you had any sense you'd be doing whatever I said for the time being" is utterly chilling.

I feel actually frightened imagining you as a SAHM having to account to him because you've spent too much on nappies this week as the DC have had a stomach upset or something.

You have had plenty of good posts about secrets, debts and control. I just wanted to add that currently I am a SAHM due to moving countries and visa controls, I do not have an allowance I have equal and joint access to all family money. My DH wouldn't dream of giving me an allowance as we are equal partners with joint responsibility for family money. Do not become a SAHM with a partner who thinks that they get to give you an allowance, I do not know anyone who is treated like this in RL (I do not people who have budgets and some individual treat money but that isn't an allowance)

Argg, know people with budgets! Blinking auto correct

He was great when my Dad was ill. Struggled to understand my MH problems at first as it wasn't something he'd ever really experienced before, but otherwise really supportive.

Btw not sure if it has been mentioned on the thread but you do realise that the "asking my parents to loan us the money" was nothing to do with having to repay the debt and everything to to with A) humiliating you publicly (infront of his parents) and B) having something to hold over you. He will throw it back at you that you caused him to go begging his parents for money and that you humiliated him, and that you took money from his poor parents. Believe me, it was nothing to do with the debt.

Mate, he seriously overreacted. You have seperate finances, therefore its none of his fucking business. 3.5k is not a massive loan. You dont have a debt problem, youre paying it off with your own money. HE is opening your post, threatening you, humiliating you in front of his parents and locking you out of your own home then insisting you give him your salary?. Youd be well within your rights to tell him to fuck off to the far end of fuck.
This is a new marriage right? Hes really showing his true colours

Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse and can be a forerunner to other sorts of abuse. It certainly leaves you with fewer options for escaping an abusive relationship. It is possible that this outburst was a a one off, but don't ignore it and take care to protect yourself.

The idea of having your salary paid into someone else's bank account not even a joint one is a nonsense and not one that anyone who isn't in a controlling relationship should consider.

Please keep your own bank account. I hope you get a new job soon. When you do, please repay his parents, so this doesn't continue to be a hold over you.

'I'll Take Care Of The Bills': The Slippery Slope Into Financial Abuse

Warning signs that you may be in an abusive relationship

My DH and I married 13 years ago. After a few months I found out he hadn’t been filing his taxes (US citizen) and went nuts at him – apart from anything else we needed his tax returns from the last 3 years to apply for the visa I needed to keep living with him. Anyhoo.

We filed his taxes for the previous 3 years and it turned out he was due a sizeable refund, hurrah! Two months later we got a letter from the tax man but instead of containing his refund cheque, it said “thank you for filing your taxes, we’ve offset your refund against your outstanding Federal debt and you now only owe $22k”.

Yep, that was an interesting conversation…

Took me 3 years of working a horrendous job, with all the overtime I could get, to pay it all back. DH was absolutely clueless and useless – I ended up making calls, negotiating repayment plans and so on, on his behalf. But we got it done.

As much as I loathed the situation and resented him like mad (at the time) for having to deal with it, I had to accept that it was accrued long before he even knew me and his avoidance was based on anxiety, not just being an @rse and refusing to pay. He was ashamed and frightened to tell me about it, and buried his head in the sand. So we got on with it and moved on. I now manage all the household money and both our salaries are paid into one account, but this was actually his suggestion and he’s happy not to have the anxiety of remembering to pay for everything. He has access to the bank account whenever he wants (I don’t issue him an ‘allowance’), though he tells me if he’s spending a large amount or is taking cash out, just so I can make sure we have enough left to pay for everything.

I share this story because, even though I’ve been through something similar to what your DH thinks he’s experienced, I don’t understand why your DH has reacted the way he has – I certainly didn’t react in this way or talk to my DH like that. Your loan is for a modest amount, you were repaying it and have made arrangements for it whilst you’re unemployed (it’s not as though the bailiffs have shown up because you haven’t paid etc) and it was taken out before you were married. His reaction is over the top and downright rude (if I spoke to my DH like that he’d be horrified). He really isn’t showing you any respect.

It sounds as though his parents know how he reacts to things if they are telling him to ‘chill out’. How close are you to them – can you pick their brains for ideas to help him get things in perspective and move this forward? Personally, I would be explaining to him very calmly that I’m not a child and his reaction is outrageous – and unwarranted.

Good luck…

He's not supportive read the texts !! This is horrible and not how a husband should speak to his wife, no matter how angry he is.

He's telling you who he really is. Listen

Abusers all have good points, too, or no one would stay with them. He's telling you who he is. You either listen or you don't.

Op, leave this aside.
What do you argue over?
You say you didn't tell him because he "over reacts" do what else has he over reacted about and what form did the over reaction take?

"If you had any sense you'd be doing whatever i said for the time being..."

Until next time you upset him and he smacks you one.

Those texts are awful.

Do not buy a house with him, do not have children with him, certainly do not give him your money, and leave him asap.

I would be absolutely furious if I'd got married to someone who was secretly in debt and I had found out by accident.

The initial idea of you paying all your money into his account is not an acceptable solution. But, he could sit down with you and help you budget better. It's also a good opportunity to discuss your separate finances, and how you're going to deal with just the one wage coming in for the next little while.

He has overreacted - but what will tell you what you need to know is what he suggests once he's calmed down. If his discussions with you veer away from "I'm going to control all your money" to "I'm going to help empower you to control all your money yourself" then he's just someone who has panicked (due to your actions). If he continues to insist on controlling all your money, then all the posters shouting "red flag" will sadly be proven right.

I hope for your sake they aren't proven right.

Take care of yourself, OP.

OP as a basic start, you need to put aside your plans to not return to work in the immediate future (yes I've read one of your other threads) and get a job, any job.

I'd be telling him I would be putting my 'fucking coat' on, pointing at the door and then going through it-it's 3.5 k of debt not 305 k's... you are paying it off at no detriment to him.
Tell him to do one...and if not that get your name on the mortgage because right now he holds all the cards in terms of Potential asset split and that's not Alright either...

Where did you live before moving in to his house, where all the bills and credit-building paperwork is all in his name? Why couldn't he move in with you?

Has he ostracised your friends & family?

Why aren't you working? Does that have anything to do with him?

Stay if you want to. But you've read the posts on here. You know the score.

This isn't the first issue.

How on EARTH can you square the way he spoke to you over this and what it says about how he views you, with 'being supportive'?

He sees you as his inferior and that he is entitled to speak to you like the shit on his shoe.

He will treat you like this more and more as the 'marriage' settles in.

As for the finances. Jesus. There are no words.

Have the sense at least to keep this little Hitler the FUCK away from your own finances. And don't even think about ttc for a long while.

Are you now on the deeds to the flat you are in??

Why aren't you working? Does that have anything to do with him?

RTFOP she was made redundant.

Mate, he seriously overreacted. You have seperate finances, therefore its none of his fucking business. 3.5k is not a massive loan. You dont have a debt problem, youre paying it off with your own money. HE is opening your post, threatening you, humiliating you in front of his parents and locking you out of your own home then insisting you give him your salary?. Youd be well within your rights to tell him to fuck off to the far end of fuck.
This is a new marriage right? Hes really showing his true colours

This with big sparkly knobs on!

The £3.5k loan, taken and repaid by you, when you had separate finances is NONE of his damn business! His reaction was absolutely ridiculous. Completely and utterly. I would not stay married to this man. Not for anything.

So presumably he brought the bulk of the equity into your marriage (you mention he had the flat before you met)? And has therefore been reasonably financially conservative.

On that basis, and given you're now unemployed, had this debt "hidden" and had had to ask for it to be frozen, I can see why he'd have been angry on first learning of it. I'm pretty sure the need to freeze the loan would have an impact on a mortgage application.

The rest is a massive over reaction, but the initial upset / anger was justified imo.

He sounds like a loon op, I would ltb.

OP your H might have a number of good qualities and you may feel you love him but this is a toxic relationship. He does not regard you as an equal. Millions will tell you their DH's were kind and considerate before marriage but that the abuse began after they signed the register.
If you know in your heart that leaving him is not IF but WHEN, if you feel desperate and don't know where to turn when he treats you this way, you need to make plans for escape. Get another job and build up a secret cash fund for when you leave. You know you have some stormy times ahead where he will try to bludgeon you into agreeing to let him have control of your wages. He may even say "But we agreed you would do that when we got the loan from my parents. How else do you think we will repay the loan?"
Do return to MN if you need further support. I feel sick at heart for you OP
Good luck

Being angry about something - ok.

Being abusive, including wanting to remove your control over your own money and your own affairs? Not justifiable no matter what you've done or how angry he is.

Don't ever, ever let someone take over control of your finances. Particularly a man with so little respect for you. Run sweetie.

OP, I felt sick reading your original post, and when you posted those texts I was literally open-mouthed in horror!

Please, do not stay with this man. The way he speaks to you, his behaviour towards you is appalling, and absolutely is abusive. I'm sorry, I can't put into words how awful his behaviour is.

The debt is neither here nor there. It's small, it's being managed, and to be quite honest, given the current financial set-up you have as a couple, it's both irrelevant and none of his business.

OP can I just tell you about my story, which starts off similar to yours.

I took out a consolidation loan whilst I was dating my now DH.

I had some credit cards/store cards and interest was stupid, so took out an affordable 5 year loan.

All good, paid it every month without fail.

We moved in together.

Payments continued, statements arrive at the house. They are only opened by me then filed away.

This is where our stories go different directions

We get engaged. I didn’t think to tell him.

We look at our finances to start saving for a wedding. We look at our outgoings, and I say ‘I’ve got a loan repayment of £120 per month for the next 2 years. Not ideal but it’s from before we got engaged’

He was a bit annoyed. Do you know why? Because he was upset I didn’t ask him to lend it to me/pay off my debts instead of going for a loan.

There was no shouting. No ‘get out/come back now/jump this high at my will’ because he’s a normal person, and he loves me.

He didn’t throw me out of the house we live in together.

He didn’t make me sleep on the sofa.

He didn’t demand to look after my money.

He didn’t call me irresponsible or accuse me of basically ruining his life.

Because he’s a normal person and he loves me

Who even bats an eyelid over a personal loan these days anyway?

Please don’t give him access to your money. If separate finances work for you then let it continue for now.

I’d also say pay off his parents ASAP as he’ll hold it against you forever.

Please have a long hard think about ‘his tendency to overreact’

He won’t change, in fact it’ll probably get worse. Do you want to live like that forever?