Is this a reasonable response from DH?

[AngeloMysterioso]

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

I really don't understand that perspective

Well for a start it was a £5.5k loan, not a £3.5k loan.

There was then additional spending for the wedding which if the DH knew about he may well have thought it more prudent to pay that off before adding more debt into the relationship.

The OP had every opportunity to mention the debt, especially given they were planning on getting a mortgage together. She never did and never would have done. Instead of sharing her worries after losing her job, she doesn't confide in her dh and instead she has the loan freeze which could affect her credit rating and go against their address.

Given her preference to lie by omission and then not share her concerns during the marriage, and his subsequent reaction which is OTT as a first reaction, I think their marriage isn't healthy at all.

The first thing I'd do when I got a new job, is to get a loan for 3.5K and pay his parents back. Better to owe on a loan than to people whose son behaves like that. You need to get that sorted first and foremost.

Then get yourself out, no matter how nice he was when your dad was ill.

OP I know this must be overwhelming but please come back and tell us what you are thinking - do you have any support in RL?

Yeah it wasn’t great not telling him about the loan, but if you knew you were going to get a reaction like that it hardly makes you want to confide in someone does it? He’s being completely unreasonable.

My first reaction is LTB, but I don’t think you’ll do that, so I will be more moderate in my advice.

1. DON’T change where your salary goes into. You need to maintain your financial independence otherwise he’ll continue to use money as a stick to beat you with and you’ll have no way to get out if that ends up being what you want.
2. DON’T move just yet (even if you can afford it). Don’t make any big decisions, whether that’s to do with housing, work or kids, until you’ve had a chance to see how this pans out.
3. Leading on from 2.- longer term, be honest with yourself about his behaviour, how he treats you and how that contributes to your mental health. The last thing someone with anxiety needs is to be walking on eggshells in their own home, unable to be honest with someone who’s supposed to support them.
4. Tell him if he ever locks you out of your home again you won’t be back. If he says “it’s my house, I’ll do what I like etc” then I’m sorry chum, but the writing is on the wall.

It’s very sad reading those messages and reading about you getting locked out and being woken in the middle of the night once he “decided” it was time to talk. I see one person being desperate to sort things out and make things work, and the other using bullying tactics to teach the other one a “lesson”. That’s not on and it’s not a solid foundation on which to build a lifetime together.

Op...you are not listening are you ?

Did we warn you off this man before you married him ?

I think we did AF

@Joysmum. The OP hasn't mentioned anything in this thread about spending on their wedding, or any additional debt incurred for their wedding.

I'm not a borrower - other than for major purchases - house, car, expensive pieces of furniture on interest-free credit, I'm not speaking as someone who has this kind of debt.

Yes, maybe she could have mentioned it, but even so, it was a debt she has been paying off, and having been made redundant she didn't stick her head in the sand, she got in touch with the lender and came to an arrangement with them.

His response is outrageously over the top and abusive, such that it really negates any minor point about whether or not she should have mentioned this loan before they got married.

This isn't really about the loan.

Sadly, it's about the fact that the OP is married to an abusive man whose behaviour is already well beyond reasonable and will only get worse.

She needs to get out, now!

I think it's no coincidence that you've developed anxiety and depression since marrying this man.

He is financially abusing you. Sorry but just because you owe money to a loan does not give him the right to demand all your wages get paid to his account.. sorry but who does he think he is??? I would really evaluate whether you want to be with him before having children. I made That mistake .. I married a man and had kids with a man who is emotionally abusive and now I'm stuck with it . I also wouldn't have accepted money from his parents to pay off the loan because now him and his parents have a hold over you whereas a loan company is negotiable. Now he thinks he has the right to demand your wages because his parents paid your loan. Do not fall into that trap because he will end up living it up whilst you have a silly little allowance like a child when you work hard! I am a SAHM and I dont even get an allowance and I already feel isolated so please don't let him take control

OP, I do hope this opens your eyes. Your previous thread about this guy showed that he was a liar and highly manipulative. Now he has something on you. Or he thinks he does. You've done nothing wrong. Certainly nothing to warrant his reaction.

Did the OW that he wanted so badly to kiss come to your wedding in the end?

I think he's just been waiting for An opportunity to humiliate, belittle and control you.....and now he's found it!!!! I genuinely wish you all the luck in the world if you stay with him because sure as eggs are eggs you're going to need it!!!!!....like so many PP,s mine is also the voice of bitter experience!!...

I'm reading everyone's responses but currently out with a friend at the minute. Am taking everyone's points on board though, I promise.

@Whocansay no she didn't

I did read some of those other threads.

So you have married him now. Against all advice and better judgement.

You can't really be surprised that this is happening then, surely!?

I hope you don't ignore all advice on this thread too and do everything he wants you to. Including paying any salary of your own into his account.

Have to say though that I fear you will do exactly that.

OP your DH's solution of taking all your money and giving you an allowance is unworkable and unreasonable. He may have just been floundering in anger.

That said, I don't think an undisclosed £5.5k in debt taken on by a partner is a matter to be easily shrugged off. I'd be mortified if I found out DP was playing around with our credit rating and future in that fashion. I'm not sure how everyone else seems to think it's perfectly fine. It is workable and I may not LTB, but the lie (by omission) would sting a lot more than the debt. It may lead me to question my marriage and everything I thought I knew about the other person.

And if I needed time to process it and then wanted to chat I'd also probably be quite irked if DP had then been out at dinner with friends and didn't seem to be taking it as a serious betrayal at all. I think you're being a bit unfair and one-sided in your portrayal of your husband. But I realise I'm in the minority and only you will know if this is fair or not.

He decided his parents would pay it off, and you went along with you.
Are you a child?

The problem is, you did something wrong, which means you're in danger of thinking his reaction was in some way acceptable.

I disagree that you have to tell a boyfriend about a personal loan, if finances are completely separate. However, I do think it's odd that when you actually live with someone, they wouldn't know. No even from "officially" informing them, but just general normal chatting. My fiancé doesn't live with me yet, but he's well aware I'm getting interest free buy now pay later carpets next week. Because we just talk. So you knew that you couldn't talk to him about it. You should never have married someone you can't talk to.

But the thing that would really fuck me off, is it sounds very much like you've made an arrangement to pay with the lender, which can definitely affect your mortgage offers. I'd be pretty pissed off.

But despite that... HIS BEHAVIOUR IS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE.

Have you told the friend you are with everything you have said here ?

I'm often skint at the end of the month

Why?
You need to look at this carefully before he can use this as an excuse to control or beat you down with.
Unless you're on exactly the same take-home salary - a good idea would be to pay bills proportionately to your income.
That way the lesser earning person has some money left after essential bills are paid......

You'll be utterly brassic once you do what he wants (and I have a feeling you will) and he parcels out what he considers a generous allowance from money you earned yourself. He's a cheating, lying, manipulative, abusive cunt.

It is not a large debt, and his reaction is disproportionate in every way. Sure you should have told him. But this lapse doesn't give him a reason to behave in the manner he did.
You do not have to do as you are told to by him. There is no need to "see where he is coming from" re your salary. If you are keeping finances separate in the weird fashion you are, then keep your own money.
Under no circumstances EVER let him control all your money. Tell him this now before you have another job.

He sounds dangerous, controlling and unpleasant.

Massive red flags, just massive. Do not let him control your finances, OP, he will leave you broke. Don't have dc with this idiot.

You would seriously walk out on a marriage for £3.5k loan. If it's being managed and finances are separate and it was taken out before the marriage? And you think that's a deal breaker .... I'm astounded. He sounds like a control freak and she should leave him. If it were down to you he'd have kicked her out already....

I hope you enjoyed your evening. But oh God OP I hope you're listening to the wise people on this thread x