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Original poster

Is this a reasonable response from DH?

296 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 03/10/2017 14:23

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

OP posts:
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PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/10/2017 07:28

You would seriously walk out on a marriage for £3.5k loan. If it's being managed and finances are separate and it was taken out before the marriage? And you think that's a deal breaker .... I'm astounded

Be as astounded as you like. I would seriously consider my relationship yes. My choice.

Ceto · 04/10/2017 07:34

There is nothing in the least weird about keeping finances separate, Commander. Plenty of couples work on the basis of a joint account that each party pays into proportionately to their earnings whilst also keeping separate accounts. In OP's case, it's clear that that arrangements is pretty essential.

Those messages show him up as a really unpleasant bully. He thinks that threatening you with divorce is the way to control you. Show him that if he carries on behaving this way, you will regard it as an opportunity, not a threat.

guilty100 · 04/10/2017 08:24

If this were the other way round: a woman complaining that her DH had concealed a £5k loan from her, I think responses would have a very different tone, and I would be willing to bet that the phrase "financial abuse" would have been used.

All relationships are different. For some people - especially those who are very risk-averse, or who have a history with indebted partners - this would be a huge betrayal. Others would take the attitude "it's only £5k". Every relationship has its own internal logic and rules, and they are not the same for all of us.

All that said, I do think the anger and the control in his response is worrying. I'd be wanting to know what was behind them - is it pure (and unacceptable) control? Or is there a backstory: does he have an awful experience of a friend or previous partner running up debts?

Fluffybrain · 04/10/2017 08:27

Even if there was a back story guilty100 it would not justify his abuse in any way.

Orangesox · 04/10/2017 09:00

This ^^ it doesn't actually matter what the backstory is, if there even is one. His behaviour alone is abhorrent!

There's one thing having cross words, maybe sleeping in separate rooms if it's severe, but to be locked out, to be spoken to in that manner, ordered around like an errant puppy, be woken in the middle of the night to undergo interrogation. That's abuse plain and simple.

caringdenise009 · 04/10/2017 09:22

I've just read the OPs previous thread. Oh dear.

Angelo, you are in serious shit with this relationship and it will only get worse. I know people are very quick to say LTB, but you should've done that at Christmas. You should've called off your wedding when he met that woman and lied to you. This is a quick escalation in abusive behaviour and it will not stop. It will get worse and worse and every incident will weaken your ability to leave. You will have to leave him eventually. Your marriage to this man can't work. Take a step back, try to be strong and get out before it gets worse.

furmommy · 04/10/2017 09:24

He is abusive and will not change. No wonder you’re anxious. LTB

caringdenise009 · 04/10/2017 09:25

Show someone that get your fucking coat on message IRL and ask what they think of it.

MagicFajita · 04/10/2017 09:36

There are clearly two separate issues here.

On the surface we have the topic of the op , yes she was wrong to not disclose her full financial situation before they moved in together/got married etc. I'd be extremely cross about this and have plenty to say.

However knowing that the op has seen controlling behaviour from her dh previously this then changes things. Also she probably lied because she was afraid of his reaction.

This is not a healthy relationship , as many have already said. And relationships like this rarely improve, I agree that the op should get away and make sure that she doesn't fall pregnant as that will only make it harder to escape.

I'd also be curious as to what his reaction would be to the suggestion of a full financial disclosure from them both. I would lay money on him having lots of secrets there himself...

Onecutefox · 04/10/2017 09:39

I can see why you didn't tell him about the debt. This man has a temper. I think I wouldn't be able to stay with him after all he has told you but it's up you of course. He threw so much dirt at you. What a disgusting bully.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2017 09:51

Are you coming back to your thread, Angelo ?

TieGrr · 04/10/2017 10:36

I've just read the OPs previous thread. Oh dear.

Ditto. Armchair psychology time, but I wonder if the extreme anger is because OP's DH thinks he sacrificed his chance with other women to marry her, only now she's not living up to his standards. There was a comment in the other thread about how the other woman will always be the 'one who got away' while OP is now 'the wife'.

ferando81 · 04/10/2017 11:57

He's being very controlling .The debt is relatively small and his reaction is WAY over the top.Finances are important but his reaction was abusive.Dont let him bully you

Ttbb · 04/10/2017 12:04

If you don't have children then leave now before you do. Can you imagine how he would behave if you were a SAHM? The reaction is completely disproportionate, it seems like he is using it as an excuse to abuse you.

Oly5 · 04/10/2017 12:16

Oh my word, he's a controlling arse. Do not give him control over your salary!!!! You will be helpless and he'll know you can't leave him.
£3.5K of debt that you were paying off is small fry in my book. He's being a twat

Inadays · 04/10/2017 12:17

What a horrible, abusive man. If that were my DH I would be contacting a divorce lawyer immediately. Please consider that what he has said and his actions are not those of a loving partner. He sounds awful OP. Don't let yourself be controlled by him. Good luck to you Flowers

caringdenise009 · 04/10/2017 12:34

Actually, to anyone who does find themselves in the position of paying their money into someone else's account,you aren't powerless. Just ask for a form to change the account details of where the money goes.

NameChange30 · 04/10/2017 12:35

It's not about the money. It's about his reaction and the fact that he (and you, apparently) seems to think it's ok to treat you like shit. He's abusive and controlling. And based on the other thread he's also a liar but you married him anyway Hmm

So here is some reading for you:
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles

Do not start TTC with him. What contraception are you using at the moment? Make sure it's something you control (pill, coil, implant) and not condoms which have a higher failure rate and which he could tamper with or just decide not to use "in the heat of the moment".

Although how you want to have sex with him I don't know!

RainyApril · 04/10/2017 12:37

I know I'm in a minority of about one, but if he's otherwise loving and supportive as op says then I don't see a one-off overreaction as abuse.

He was shocked to discover a secret debt, for personal expenses, at a time when their household income is hugely depleted through redundancy, and just as they are thinking of applying for a mortgage. He may not have previously believed op capable of keeping such a big secret from him. He may fear her taking out further loans while she is out of work. He may have balanced the books only to realise that he now has to factor in loan repayments, since the debt will not stay frozen indefinitely.

I've definitely behaved badly in my life, blown up about something I've later calmed down about.

Op, I would not give him control of your money, which I hope is just a knee jerk panicky reaction from him. Beyond that, I think you both have apologising to do but I don't think it is in itself a thing to end a marriage over.

caringdenise009 · 04/10/2017 12:44

He isn't loving and supportive April. He's a liar and a cheat. My partner recently discovered my debts and the only thing he said was why didn't you ask me for the money. I didn't take him up on the offer. He has since respected my desire not to talk about it. The OP posted previously about the relationship and was strongly warned not to marry him, that she was setting herself up for years of unhappiness. This man moves fast and she needs to run fasterSad

NamedyChangedy · 04/10/2017 13:07

In a way, you're really incredibly fortunate OP. The universe (or whatever higher power you believe in) has just sent you the biggest sign ever. This is the day you can decide to go down a path that will improve your life forever. A 'Sliding Doors' moment, if you will.

I beseech you not to stay with this man. You have no children, and no shared property. This is absolutely the right time to do it - you'll be so much better off in the long run.

For what it's worth, my DP is terrible with money and had a CCJ in his name from unpaid bills - so much worse than your situation. He was burying his head in the sand and I only found out when our mortgage application got refused. We lost out on a property as a result. At no point did I ever speak to him the way your H has spoken to you. He doesn't even like you, let alone love you.

StormTreader · 04/10/2017 13:19

Hes treated you like an idiot child or a dog, and is now trying to tell you that you are incapable of managing money and therefore he should control it all. No.

If he was scared/insecure then he should have talked to you about that, instead he sent you away, summoned you back, sentenced you to the sofa and then dragged you round to his parents to be publicly shamed and put in your place.
It was lucky for you that his parents were reasonable people, if they had joined in with the "OMG you idiot, we'll be taking your money because you cant be trusted", how close would you be now to giving into it?

AufderAutobahn · 04/10/2017 13:28

He may have been shocked to discover some personal debt the OP had (which is HER debt not his or theirs) and it was reasonable for him to be worried. However
Kicking her out by text
Telling her to go home again
Locking her out
Pointing to the sofa rather than address her properly like a human being, when he decided it was time to discuss it when it suited him

And there are people on this thread who find this a reasonable reaction?!!! Seriously?
There are other ways of discussing this issue and he was quite capable of being respectful at this point, even if he was pissed off. He acted like an abusive bully.
The OP's subsequent posts about him confirm what an arse he is. Yes, it's entirely justified to call it abuse and yes she should leave.

usersos · 04/10/2017 13:30

RUN FAST AWAY FROM THIS TOTAL DICK

This is not a good relationship

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 04/10/2017 19:42

Say no don't let your salary to be paid into his account or for him to give you an allowance from your own wage which you earn

How will you get all your money back when you finally leave him for being a controlling manipulative monster

He talks to you like shit

Do you have low self esteem ? I don't know why else you would tolerate this

Please stand up to him op. This isn't normal and it's not ok.

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