Is this a reasonable response from DH?

[AngeloMysterioso]

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

Wait, this doesn't add up.

Your DH sounds as though he has a very risk-averse attitude to money. My guess is that he's feeling incredibly hurt that you kept this information from him, and that he feels that there is now a trust issue between you. To be honest, I think I would probably feel a bit betrayed and mistrustful for the future if my DH did this to me, though I'm not sure I'd threaten to end the marriage over it! I'm not saying that your DH's reaction is proportionate, but I do think you are a little bit in the wrong here.

One thing - we haven't heard the interest rate at which you borrowed this money or the T&Cs of the loan, or the reasons for your DH's attitude - I think if it were seriously high, I would question your judgement as well as the deceit and it would be more of a shock (let's not forget, folks, that certain loans can run into hundreds of % interest). The fact that he's got his parents to buy you out of this rings alarm bells in taking your story as it is written - he must feel that the rate of interest you are accruing is dangerous to your long term financial stability to have done this, and that doesn't seem to make much sense for a loan at a low % rate, unless he's perhaps worried about your credit score or something else? On the other hand, maybe he's just the type of guy who jumps off the deep end in a total panic when something connected with money comes up. It's hard to tell without knowing more.

I think you both owe one another a bit of an apology. I do think that it's reasonable for a partner to ask the other person to be fiscally responsible, and to evidence that if there is a reason for mistrust, but I'm not sure you have to go to the extremes that he is suggesting to do this.

he has a tendency to over react

No shit, Sherlock. He is abusive.

He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance.

You know what? I bet he loved it when he found out about that loan, total thrill boner. Because it gives him an 'in' to control you. It shouldn't. No normal person would react that way, but an abusive man would grab any opportunity with both hands.

I'm sure you won't anyway, but don't give him a penny of your money. And DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM unless you are 1000% sure you'll never leave him no matter what. because if he thinks he can hold a small debt over your head, what do you think will happen when you have babies?

I was mad as hell, since we were (1) in the process of house hunting for our first house (so trying to save as much as possible) and (2) our wedding date was 9 months away! We had a few words (massive understatement!) - in fact, pretty much everyone had a few words about it. I got over it though - we are still married 18 yrs later!

if you'd told him he was no longer allowed to own his own money you wouldn't be married 18 years later.

OMG!!!
This man is unreal.
All over a loan agreement that you, OP, signed as a single woman who was fully in control of your faculties when you did it. It wasn't his 'problem' to solve. You were handling it. He didn't like that so went off the fcking planet with rage (I know I can swear but I don't want to). The way he demanded, read that again, demanded* that you leave (and you did) and you come home again (and you did) and you sleep on the couch (and you did). You are not equal in this relationship. Far from it. You are not partners.
His behaviour is appalling! Simply dreadful.

Do not set up joint bank accounts with this man.
Do not allow him to take control of the finances.

You're guessing that I think he feels like I've sabotaged our future. You haven't done anything close to that. He on the other hand has completely messed it up. Royally!

Keeping debt hidden would be a deal breaker for me, I'm afraid so if I was him I would seriously reconsider the relationship because of that. No it doesnt matter that it's 'only' 3.5k.

The way he initially reacted was also OTT and if I was you I would reconsider the relationship on that basis.

Well, having to put a freeze on repayments wouldn't look great on your credit history, would it?

I can understand him being pissed off - BUT his reaction was hugely overblown and it doesn't sound out of character if you're already cautious about how he's likely to respond to things. I'd be rethinking my future with him.

You must certainly not give him financial control. Keep your own bank account and put all your efforts into getting work, don't become dependent on him. Also, when you're able, set up repayment for his parents.

I don’t think he sounds that bright, OP. Having a small loan that you are repaying is good for your credit rating and also very unlikely to affect your mortgage application. He clearly doesn’t understand how money works and therefore I think you should take over all the finances.

Joking aside, maybe get some independent financial advice? And under NO circumstances give him your salary.

I think some of DH's still being so angry after he got home was because he was thinking of himself as not being as good as his friend because he wasn't able to do the same for me

NO! No! No! STOP looking for/making excuses for his behaviour and attitude!
He's using this as an excuse to get his hooks into you - so he can control not just your household finances and retain the 'power' but also YOUR financial independence.

Accepting money from his parents was a big mistake - watch out that gets thrown back in your face any time you make an independent decision to spend money on something that doesn't have his 'approval'.

You WERE being responsible, suspending the account and continuing making payments - there was NOTHING for him to fly off the handle about!
He went OTT in his reaction to scare you, infantilise you and make YOU responsible for all the shit that he gives you.

He clicks his fingers and expects you to jump.
He doesn't even stop to look at the details and instead makes false accusations against you - which he then ropes his parents/enablers into supporting.

STOP being so meek, accepting and eager to please - this dick is trying to control you, your access to money and he is abusive.
Why the hell did you allow him to talk to you like that?
I would have retorted "Keep talking to me like that and there won't be a marriage for you to worry about!"

I suggest you read up/ask on MN about the different ways women get sucked into being victims of abusers like this.
If he stopped your access to money tomorrow - which is why he wants your wages going into his account - where will you be?
Asking begging him for money?

I bet he's been showing signs of controlling and abusive behaviour all throughout your relationship but you've been ignoring them.

Don't be a fool, OP.

This is one huge overaction. Personally with a response like that I would be having a quick look if there was any equity in the house and leave-- thatw ay you probably get rid of the debt and rather a nasty bastard too at the same time.. Its not necessarily the debt (which isnt huge) its the fact he reacted in this way with the 'you are going to have to work hard to stay married' Is he always going to come up with this kind of nasty shit rather than be upset you hadnt mentioned at all but just discuss logically. He is obvioulsy one of the 'life is black and white' perfect people. Lucky him.

My response to him asking for my wages in his account would have been " your going to need to backtrack and apologise really hard tonight if YOU want to stay married" abusive controlling twat

If you agree to this OP, your on a downwards spiral to being in an abusive relationship. He cant use that excuse, we all have past financial obligations and you were on top of yours. He sounds like a bit of a weirdo to be honest

I don’t think he sounds that bright, OP. Having a small loan that you are repaying is good for your credit rating and also very unlikely to affect your mortgage application.

Not strictly true. It would be taken into consideration when looking at affordability and especially if payments get frozen.

he has a right to be angry and upset but that does not give him the right to treat her like a child and give her demands as to what happens to her money or indeed control all of it. That is a complete overreaction and one that you do not have to put up with.

Leave him - he will only get worse.

DO. NOT. HAVE. CHILDREN. WITH. THIS. ABUSIVE. PRICK.

he's horrible.

Do not rush into having any DC with this man until you establish whether this is a one-of or whether there is a pattern of troubling behaviour emerging.

That would only be a valid point if you were having trouble paying it

OP was having trouble paying it. She had to suspend it.

Leave leave leave!

OK - you should be able to talk about money openly and easily. If you can't then you need to look at why. If he constantly 'overreacts' then that's a big problem. If you constantly hide stuff from him, that's also a problem. Look at how/why you couldn't/didn't talk about this.

BUT

1. He opened your mail
2. He threw you out the house & threatened to divorce you.
3. He woke you up in the middle of the night.
4. He involved his parents against your wishes.
5. He thinks he'll control all money in future.
6. He thinks you'll be a SAHM on an 'allowance'.

Any one of those can be seen as a major sign that he's controlling and willing to emotionally beat you into submission. If he has massive rampaging anxiety that means he overreacts but then calms down and becomes reasonable, that's one thing. If, however, you have a future of anger and coercion to look forward to, you might want to think very carefully.

fwiw - if you ever have kids, I would expect ALL money to be family money, with the needs of kids being met first, and parents getting equal access to money for their own spending once bills have been met. Personally, I couldn't have a family with anyone who thought they got to 'give' me an allowance while I raised the kids. I'm not an employee, but an equal partner in life. All resources (time, money, skills etc) get pooled, and everyone's needs met.

Goodness he sounds so much like XH, I could predict each step of how he would react, it's quite shaken me tbh.

Although in his case he was also the one with secret loans that he never paid back (I know you're paying yours back OP), which left me paying back £40k of debt he'd accrued from joint accounts without my knowledge.

Mine would just invent or exaggerate things to argue about in the manner you describe.

My advice is totally and completely influenced by my XH I'm afraid:

1 - Do not transfer your salary into his account

2 - Make plans to LTB and then do it. He will not change

This is how the whole thing played out...

Roughly 2:15 pm- opens letter, gets mad, yells at me, grabs keys & wallet, out the door. All within a space of 2 or 3 minutes. 5 mins later I got the message telling me not to be there when he got back. I stayed at home all afternoon, cleaned up a bit. Eventually left for my friends at about 7 pm, arrived just before 8

Concluded thus

Is he a control freak in other areas of your life? Give him control over the money and you effectively sign over your life. Say NO. If he insists - throw him out - sell up - divorce. He's being totally unreasonable and controlling and there is nothing 'dear' about this DH - although another acronym seems to fit the bill. D++K H**d.

He's setting you up. Run as fast as you can away from him and start divorce proceedings.

Nothing - not one thing - he has done with regard to your debt is reasonable or rational. His reaction is dangerous, and he is now trying make you utterly dependent upon his good will. His good will shall be meted out sparingly, just enough to make you remember why you married him, but the rest of the time you will be appeasing him and walking on eggshells.

Get away before you're stuck.

He sounds horrible. Why did you marry him?
I suspect he's starting to ramp up the abuse now that you're married. He sees you as him property now. Does he realise that now you are married you own half of the flat?

And what would the reaction be if someone posted on here that they'd opened their husband's post and discovered that they had debts of £3.5k from before the marriage that they'd decided never to tell them about

So long as the husband had made arrangements to pay it off and sensible arrangements to suspend the debt when he was made redundant, I seriously would not think it a big deal.

I got home at about 1, was shown to the sofa, you know the rest