Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a reasonable response from DH?

296 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 03/10/2017 14:23

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Ilovetolurk · 03/10/2017 15:50

Uurrrrgh

What a controlling dicksplash

If anyone should be working seriously hard to stay married it's him with that treatment of you

ijustwannadance · 03/10/2017 15:50

If loan was taken out 18 months ago then then the debt can't still be £3500.

I don't understand why on earth he would have to march you to his parents house and ask for the money to clear it. Why not just continue paying as you have been?

You being out of work will have an impact on you getting a mortgage though as they will want to see evidence of months of employment an earnings.

viques · 03/10/2017 15:51

A huge over reaction on his part. I would wonder if he has debts of his own he is worried about.

PragmaticWench · 03/10/2017 15:53

OP, do YOU think his behaviour was reasonable or proportionate?

I'm utterly horrified by his over reaction, bullying, threatening and controlling behaviour but you've not said anything about how you view it.

LostwithSawyer · 03/10/2017 15:53

This is just wrong. He treats you like a child.

Get home now. Your sleeping there. Give me your pay check.
Er you can sod right off mate.
It would be a big mistake to hand over your wages.

Jaxhog · 03/10/2017 15:55

Well past time to sit down and have an honest conversation about money. You do need to apologise for not sharing that you had a biggish debt. He needs to apologise for over reacting.

BrendaSmith56 · 03/10/2017 15:55

@therealbiscuit

Why is he liable for her debts just because they are married?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 03/10/2017 15:55

Ugh, reading those texts confirmed it for me, he is a controlling twat. Run and never look back.

BadHatter · 03/10/2017 15:56

He did go overboard but I think he should leave you as well just for being dishonest about your finances that could have a negative affect on your future together.

TheNaze73 · 03/10/2017 15:57

His response to your deceit was abhorrent.

GinIsIn · 03/10/2017 15:57

OP several people have asked if there is a back story. Is there?

Bobbins43 · 03/10/2017 15:58

Fuck that noise. He’s been massively unreasonable. You took out a loan, you didn’t whack anyone. Maybe you should have mentioned it when you got married but FFS.

DO NOT agree to have your salary paid into his account.

RhiannonOHara · 03/10/2017 15:58

Is this a reasonable response from DH?

Um, no. Why do you have to ask? Confused

I cannot imagine my DP speaking to me like this over – well, anything really but certainly not over a loan that a) is your responsibility and b) you're managing responsibly by having it suspended.

Neither can I imagine reacting like this if it were my DP with the loan.
At best he's a drama queen; at worst he's a controlling and violent bully.

JaneEyre70 · 03/10/2017 15:58

I can understand PART of his reaction. It isn't great to be hiding debt from someone you are supposed to love and trust, and doing so before the wedding must have meant that you were spending money you didn't have at that time? Where did he think you were getting it from?
But, his reaction to all of this fills me with absolute horror. It wasn't your PIL's place to pay your debts off, and I don't think you should have agreed to them doing it. You've just changed who you owe. He sounds very dominating, overbearing and intent on making you pay for your mistake......that doesn't say a man that loves you to me, sorry. I've run debts up and DH has been more than a bit cross I've done it, but he's never ever behaved in any remote way like your DH has. I think you've got a lot bigger issues than debt here, and I would want to think very carefully about being married to this man. A good husband doesn't ever "control" a wife, he loves and supports her. Remember that Flowers.

RaspberryBeret34 · 03/10/2017 15:59

"If you had any sense you'd be doing whatever i said for the time being...". WTF?! This is a small loan, he is going way overboard. Even if he was reconsidering the reltaionhip due to some sort of fear of financial ruin, he has treated you in a controlling and disrespectful manner and tried to instigate a significant level of control over you (via your money).

I know you say your depression runs in the family and started around your Dad's death but please do think about whether it would be as bad (or started at all) with a calm and loving partner around. Please think seriously about all areas of your relationship. There's no shame in ending a marriage that isn't right. You could get out relatively easily now but after you have children you are totally tied to that person forever. You can forgive his "overreacting" to you but what about when he does it to your DC?

AlexsMum89 · 03/10/2017 15:59

Hi @AngeloMysterioso
I just need to clear something up here - just because you are married, you are NOT liable for each others debts. Unless you've signed a finance agreement, no debt collector is legally allowed to go after you. The only instance where you would be impacted is if the debt was secured against a joint asset and even then if it was not in the other persons name, it would only be enforceable against the named persons share of that asset. The other person would be fully entitled to take their full share/equity even if it left the debt unpaid (the person not named in the debt would then have absolutely no obligation to pay).

Also, once you are married it doesn't automatically make everything joint. In a divorce situation the outcome isn't always clear cut, but assets acquired before marriage can be considered that persons sole property.

It worries me that you didn't have depression issues before your relationship with this man. I would think long and hard about that.
His response was outrageously over the top. The way he treated you was appalling. It sounds really shocking to say but he was abusive.

I echo what others have said about having children with this man. I think you would very easily end up in a terrible position of vulnerability.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 03/10/2017 16:00

OP, how much was actually outstanding on the loan before his parents paid it off?

category12 · 03/10/2017 16:01

Never become a sahm with this man.

Mix56 · 03/10/2017 16:03

Do not ever allow him to control all the finances. NEVER,

You will be begging for milk money, You will have no money for a hair cut/other, You will hear constant complaints about being bad with money. You will have to make contant pleas for money for DC shoes/other. You will never have any control, & he will be on a mega power trip, you mental health has already taken a hit. Wait until there are DC's (God forbid)
You need to find a job asap, & repay his parents fast.
If you buy a new house, (Please don't) make sure you are on the deeds.
Keep money aside as a run away fund. You will need it.

Justaboy · 03/10/2017 16:04

I think FWIW that in some ways being married or together is a bit like the family firm or business and financial clarity and trust should be there from the get go the partners should agree who pays how much and for what etc. Course that doesn't always happen but money does case a lot of grief and I reckon if OP you kept that from me I'd have my trust and confidence shaken a bit.

But this from him is a total overreaction. Sure there's not more to this?, you say you've been depressed recently if i remember from earlier. He's not suffering from any MH issues at all as if he is it might be understandable, but if he's not then you know where the hills are and your running shoes are too;!.

viques · 03/10/2017 16:05

Ps, another issue, why is he opening your post? do you open his post ? I know some people are happy for partners to open their post, but this should be a reciprocal arrangement, not his prerogative as a husband.

ImSoUnoriginal · 03/10/2017 16:05

The tone of his texts is v unpleasant. How dare he ask you to have your wages paid into his account. Hell would freeze over, before I did that.
If you had a history of being useless with money I might understand his point of view but that doesn't excuse the way he talked to you. 3.5 is hardly a massive debt and you were paying it back. Yes, you should have told him about it but you still had the right to take it out and pay it back when you wished. I don't even know why there was a need to involve his parents.
He sounds very controlling. Please please don't give him control of your money. Are you sure he isn't contributing to your depression?

astoundedgoat · 03/10/2017 16:07

Massive overreaction. It's 3.5k, not a stack of credit cards and 40k of interest-accruing debt.

If you have separate finances it is none of his business in the slightest.

If you were blending your finances, or were having a conversation about mortgage applications and credit ratings, that would be the time to say "I have £138 on my Lloyds card and a £3.5 loan from a couple of years ago that I'm paying £80 off a month." but unless you had actively been concealing it during relevant conversations, I fail to see the problem.

Has "freezing" the debt affected your credit rating, btw? Do you know your credit rating? If you are paying the debt and have an excellent credit rating there is no problem.

NEVER EVER EVER pay your salary into his account.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/10/2017 16:07

You don't have kids, joint accounts, joint mortgage.
Just get out now.
I'd be pretty unhappy if DP had lied by omission about a pretty large load (I'm pretty risk averse, I know plenty of people use loans to manage their finances, but I never would (mortgage aside)), but his reaction is way OTT.
I agree with the PP who said he's probably delighted at the chance to control you from now on.

Loopytiles · 03/10/2017 16:07

You should’ve told him about the debt, but his behaviour has been reprehensible. You don’t have to comply with his horrible demands, eg going out, coming home, sleeping on the sofa.

Agree with PPs: do not give him financial control and if you have DC continue to work FT. He has shown a very nasty side.