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Original poster

Is this a reasonable response from DH?

296 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 03/10/2017 14:23

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home. I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

OP posts:
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stitchglitched · 03/10/2017 14:53

He sounds utterly abusive and shame on those defending him. You have only been married a couple of months, I'd be getting out now. Could you imagine how much more controlling he will get if you do have children?

Abouttoblow · 03/10/2017 14:54

Unless you're asking him to take over payments it's none of his business, married or not!
And as for telling you it's time to come home and sleep on the sofa..... I'd have told him where to go.
Do NOT have your salary paid I to his account under any circumstances Angry

AlwaysReadyforaBlether · 03/10/2017 14:55

RealBiscuit if this is an unsecured personal loan only in the OP's name then the OP's DH will never be responsible for it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2017 14:56

Re your comment:-

"I didn't set out to deceive him but a) I didn't want to worry him and b) he has a tendency to overreact... none of which excuses my keeping it to myself, I know"

Did you also not tell him about this because you were afraid of how he would react?. I do not think you deliberately set out to deceive him either.

If he also has a tendency to over react that's a big red flag right there.

lasketchup · 03/10/2017 14:56

What the hell am I reading?? 😂 is he serious? Are you scared of him because I would not of gone ANYWHERE in the first place and then when he arrived home, told him MY loan is none of HIS business, then I would have had a go at him for opening my post then gone to sleep in my bed.

Has the loan been affecting you/him is it a problem? Sounds like you had everything under control in my opinion! Massive over reaction on his part.

TiesThatBindMe · 03/10/2017 14:56

If my husband did this to me I'd tell him to go fuck himself. He doesn't get to steal MY FUCKING MONEY THAT I FUCKING EARNED. Who the hell does he think he is.

Cricrichan · 03/10/2017 14:56

I think you should have told him about the loan but are you both open about all your financial stuff?

However, it doesn't affect him or your lives so it was a huge overreaction and his behaviour after that was awful. It was bullying.

I'd seriously consider my future with him. If he's like that whilst you're still independent I'd hate to see how he'll be like when you've got a child, are a sahm or on maternity and using 'his' money.

If he'd been a bit upset or worried about the loan or that you hadn't told him MD wanted to talk to you about it then fine.

Really worrying reaction but probably a blessing in disguise as you've seen what he's really like before you have children etc with him.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/10/2017 14:56

Also, your anxiety and depression will improve very quickly once you've got away from him. Did you suffer from them before you met him? (If so, then he chose you as a partner because he recognised someone he would be able to push around and hurt, because people like him have to have a punchbag. If not, hmm, wonder why you have those problems now?)

TieGrr · 03/10/2017 14:57

Bloody hell, OP. I felt sick reading his reaction and then get to this line from you: So to the thing I have an issue with

So you don't have an issue with him flying into a rage, ordering you out of your own home, sending abusive messages, locking you out of your own home and then ordering you to sleep on the sofa? Even typing that makes my stomach churn.

Inertia · 03/10/2017 14:58

It would have been wise to have told him about the debt before you were married.

However, the way he's behaved goes way beyond an over-reaction. Flying into a rage , behaving threateningly towards you,and demanding that you hand over all of your money to him are utterly unreasonable.

In your shoes, I would never become financially dependent on this man. I'd be thinking long and hard about whether to stay married to him, because this doesn't sound like a household to bring children into.

And I'd be double checking the mortgage/ house ownership arrangements with a solicitor as well. Sounds like he's attempting to stitch you up with that one too.

lasketchup · 03/10/2017 14:59

You’re husbands a dick.

ScrambledSmegs · 03/10/2017 15:00

Don't let him do this, please. It's financial abuse. It's a way of him exerting power over you - as he already does when his 'tendency to overreact' causes you to change your behaviour around him.

dunraven · 03/10/2017 15:00

Is there more of a back story to this? You've got a £3.5K debt dating back 5yrs? Was it originally more than this? Is there any particular reason you haven't managed to pay it back in the 5 yrs? (recent redundancy aside)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2017 15:02

angelo,

re your comment:-

"I know that's one thing he's angry about- we are hoping to get a new place together in perhaps the next year or so and he thinks that because of this any mortgage application would be rejected outright, or we'd only be able to get a 2 bed flat somewhere miles away as opposed to an actual house".

I have worked on mortgage applications and your loan would be considered when it comes to a mortgage if the application was made in joint names. The lender would look at that and your income when calculating how much could actually be loaned to yourselves. Your application would not be rejected outright because of your loan in its own right. My guess too is that he does not ever want to live in a flat, he would rather have a house.

Bosabosa · 03/10/2017 15:02

Also OP, that isn't how most SAH families manage their finances; I would never have become one if that was the case. Money earned is the family money with access for both . There is no effing allowance for bringing up a child; you are an equal partner

PickAChew · 03/10/2017 15:03

A tendency to overreact? His reaction was really bloody frightening.

Don't be bullied into merging your finances because he has no interest in supporting you this way.

dinosaursandtea · 03/10/2017 15:04

It sounds like he's stressed and scared, as well as angry that you as a partnership have debt he wasn't aware of. He reacted badly, but posters calling this financial abuse are talking bollocks.

dunraven · 03/10/2017 15:04

If the debt is managed and under control, your DH's response is an over reaction. Has he calmed down since?

Why doesn't he trust you to pay off your debt? Does your redundancy and outstanding debt have any consequences to your present lifestyle? Would it cause you any hardship? Failing to pay off a debt affects your credit score which may well affect your access to various financial products i.e. it does affect the choices you have in your life.

broccolicheesebake · 03/10/2017 15:05

He sounds appalling. Massive overaction and really nasty with it. Whatever you do, keep control of your own salary. Financial independence is massively important and you'll need it if (when) you need to get yourself out of this relationship

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/10/2017 15:05

There is no way I'd have a baby with this man.

GinIsIn · 03/10/2017 15:06

You say it was before you were married but you've only been married a few months - when did you take out this loan and if you have been made redundant how do you plan to repay it? Might that have something to do with his reaction?

And has this happened before?

Either there's a back story you've omitted or he's a complete lunatic.

Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 03/10/2017 15:07

It's not dating back 5 years, it's dating back about a year and a half- we were together but not engaged at that point.

I hadn't had depression before we got together but there is a long history of it in my family- it first became an issue for me when my Dad was dying.

When he stormed out he went round to his friend's house- apparently friend's DW was the one who talked him out of "doing anything rash". They told him they'd been in a similar situation with the DW having some debt she'd not told friend about, but he was able to pay it off for her. I think some of DH's still being so angry after he got home was because he was thinking of himself as not being as good as his friend because he wasn't able to do the same for me.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 03/10/2017 15:08

Please don't bring a child into this environment, he's got form hasn't he?

FridayFreddo · 03/10/2017 15:08

Bloody hell he sounds like an abusive bully. His reaction was totally disproportionate. 3.5K is hardly 300K.

Why didn't you tell him about it? Were you scared of his reaction?
And why is the mortgage etc in your h's sole name? Sounds financially abusive.

Unless there's a huge back story here, do NOT agree to your money going into this account. WTAF???

Hissy · 03/10/2017 15:09

How long has this loan got left to run?

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