Page 4 | Is this a reasonable response from DH?

FindoGask · 03/10/2017 15:10

I've been in a similar situation but on the DH's side - my husband got into quite a lot of credit card debt, without telling me, before we were married or had children. He eventually had to tell me (I can't remember the exact circumstances, but his hand was forced, if you see what I mean - I don't know when he would have told me otherwise)

I was extremely upset - it was a similar sum as in the OP's situation; I know a few of you are saying 'that's nothing' but we didn't (still don't) earn much so it was a lot of money to us. I probably shouted a lot, I definitely felt betrayed and for a long time wondered what else he wasn't telling me about.

The difference is that I didn't force him to do anything - from sleeping on the sofa to giving me money or telling parents or anything like that. We handled it together. The way your husband has reacted, OP, is extreme enough but it makes me worry for how your relationship might withstand future problems. Making you sleep on the sofa, waking you up in the early hours, ranting at you until you had a panic attack. That's not right. And then marching you to his parents like a naughty child. Your post made my skin crawl. I wouldn't tell you what to do but no - his reaction is not reasonable.

Original poster

AngeloMysterioso · 03/10/2017 15:10

He's been his usual loving self since after we saw his parents. I think their reaction really calmed him down- when he started to get riled up again when we were talking about it they basically told him to chill out.

We live in a tiny one bed flat at the moment but it's too small for us and we're both fed up of being here- I think he feels like I've sabotaged our future.

OP posts:

Eliza9917 · 03/10/2017 15:11

DH recently found out (by opening my post) that I'd taken out a loan (£3.5k) before we were married, to pay for some personal expenses. I was recently made redundant but I explained to him that I was on track with repayments, and I'd had the account suspended so it wouldn't accrue any more interest until I get another job. He went absolutely crazy, stormed out and sent me a text message telling me not to be there when he got home, so I went round to my friends. I'd not been there long and was having dinner when he sent another message saying he'd changed his mind and wanted me to go home.

Can see his point up to here, and you should have discussed it with him before taking out the loan.

I explained that we were still eating and got this response

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

Hahahahhahaha

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came in to the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

Not acceptable and he's now entering BU territory

He came in at 20 past 2 in the morning, having decided that was a good time to talk. He was still in a rage and didn't calm down until I started having a panic attack (I have anxiety depression). He decided that the next day we'd go to his parents and ask them to lend us the money to pay off the loan. I didn't want to bring them into it but he was insistent. They were actually much calmer about it than he was, said everybody makes mistakes and they'd also had to lend BIL money and not to worry about it.

Can see the point so you don't get in to debt trouble

So to the thing I have an issue with- up until now we've kept all our finances separate- the mortgage and all utilities are in his name,
I give him money each month to cover my share, do an equal amount of food shopping etc- we didn't open a joint account until we were married and that was only because we got a few cheques made out to both of us so we had to- otherwise we never use it. He's now saying that from now on he controls all the money, and that when I get a job I have to have my salary paid into his bank account and he'll give me an allowance. He's likened the arrangement to me being a SAHM and getting an allowance from his salary. As much as I can see where he's coming from I'm really reluctant to do that! Surely as long as I'm making the contribution we agreed on, the rest of my salary should be mine to do with as I please?

No. End of.

Was the house his before you married? If not, why isn't your name on it or any bills?

Topseyt · 03/10/2017 15:11

He is telling you loud and clear that he is an abuser and an utter shit. Pay attention to him on that. Ignore it at your peril.

Never have your salary paid into his account. Ever. You'd be lucky to ever see a penny of it.

Personally, I would dump him. Don't make any further excuses for him.

Original poster

AngeloMysterioso · 03/10/2017 15:12

He already had the mortgage for this flat when we got together. The loan is paid off now- his parents transferred the money and I cleared it the next day.

OP posts:

TiesThatBindMe · 03/10/2017 15:13

So what are you going to do? Are you going to give your paycheck to him in future?

MagicFajita · 03/10/2017 15:14

And now you owe his parents money. This has not solved a problem.

RoryItsSnowing · 03/10/2017 15:14

He behaved appallingly and I would maybe have a proper think about whether you want to stay with him. I do think he deserved to know about the loan beforehand though. Separate finances when married always strikes me as totally bizarre.

ToneDeafHamster · 03/10/2017 15:14

This is a big red flag! Ignore at your peril.

Hissy · 03/10/2017 15:14

All the talk of financial abuse are premature, he's not financially abusing the OP...

YET.

If she pays in all her wages and agrees to his total domination of her finances, he might.

What IS unacceptable, irrational and bordering on fucking abusive is this:

You're obviously not taking this very seriously. You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home.

When I did eventually get home he'd gone to bed and put the chain across the front door "so I couldn't sneak in". It broke when I opened the door so I still got in the flat but he woke up. He came into the front room, pointed at the sofa and told me that's where I'd be sleeping, and went back to bed.

You took this loan out before you got engaged, you did not need his permission to do so, you are only now looking getting potential mortgage offers and a 3.5k loan paid regularly should not present a problem for lenders.

He however has NO right to punish you on this. none whatsoever. How dare he

spectacularvelvet · 03/10/2017 15:15

You do have assets together - you are married so house is half yours.
It might be helpful to rewind this a bit with him and see if he can discuss with you rationally why this triggered him so much. I totally get why he’s upset and worried , but I really don’t understand why he’s reacting so nastily to you. I Susie t its his natural disposition - which is probably why you didn’t talk to him before taking out the loan. In which case - you need to think very carefully if you want this kind of bullying reaction from him throughout your life?

Desmondo2016 · 03/10/2017 15:15

The loan is not the issue. His hideous behaviour is.

Hissy · 03/10/2017 15:16

this IS a massive red flag

he told you to come home
told you to get your fucking coat on
told you to sleep on the sofa
picked a fight with you at 2am

all because you signed a loan agreement...

Redhead17 · 03/10/2017 15:16

My OH had a go at me because I owe money to a catalogue and he went on and on, I pay it, my private business now fuck off.

If he told me to pay my wages in his bank account I'd laugh in his face

Racmactac · 03/10/2017 15:17

Fuck that no way would I be paying him my salary.

Eliza9917 · 03/10/2017 15:18

We live in a tiny one bed flat at the moment but it's too small for us and we're both fed up of being here- I think he feels like I've sabotaged our future.

That would only be a valid point if you were having trouble paying it, had missed payments or were going to have to default - which you say isn't the case. He comes across as an arse, and also abusive, financially controlling and a bully really.

Turn it round on him and tell him YOU'RE leaving HIM. Then leave.

Eliza9917 · 03/10/2017 15:20

You took this loan out before you got engaged, you did not need his permission to do so, you are only now looking getting potential mortgage offers and a 3.5k loan paid regularly should not present a problem for lenders.

It actually helps get a mortgage, my bank told me to get a CC in the year beofre I wanted to buy a house.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 03/10/2017 15:20

It’s your wage .... I believe that all money is married money when a couple have decided to pool money but attempting to take over your money but lee his is borderline financially abusive. It was less than £4K and you weren’t married ... plus I assume you needed it at the time and now it will be paid off.
Also, tell him to stop opening your fucking post and ask why he’s being such an utter cunt.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 03/10/2017 15:21

OK, so you've sorted this out (ish) for now.

What will it be that sets him off like a firecracker next time? What will happen if Mummy and Daddy aren't able to make it all better?

A £3.5k personal loan debt which you were servicing is not a problem. A £35k debt secured by a CCJ which he only found out when the bailiffs turned up would be rather more of one. Neither, however, justifies the completely abusive reaction.

dunraven · 03/10/2017 15:21

Actually, I've read the OP incorrectly. So. when did you take out the loan? Were you already living together as a couple? And you didn't tell him that you were taking out a loan? Is that correct? What was the loan for?

If all the above is correct, I think that I would be angry too at the OP.

My DH, who was my fiance at the time, phoned me at work one day to tell me that he had gone out in his lunch break to look at bikes with a mate and ended up buying a motor bike on a good credit deal - something along the lines of £7K on 2 yrs low interest rate.

I was mad as hell, since we were (1) in the process of house hunting for our first house (so trying to save as much as possible) and (2) our wedding date was 9 months away! We had a few words (massive understatement!) - in fact, pretty much everyone had a few words about it. I got over it though - we are still married 18 yrs later!

FridayFreddo · 03/10/2017 15:22

And why the fuck was he opening your post??

What is your relationship usually like?

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 03/10/2017 15:23

Also as a recent graduate I’m in over £65k in debt ... not many in the generation behind you will be debt free so maybe thats colouring my opinion of his reaction.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 03/10/2017 15:25

You're going to need to work very fucking hard tonight just to stay married and you're worried about finishing your fucking dinner?! I'd suggest you put your fucking coat on and get home

Wow, he has really got tickets on himself hasn't he! THAT would make me not want to stay married to him. What a controlling cunt. LTB.

cordeliavorkosigan · 03/10/2017 15:25

I'd bet a lot that your anxiety and depression would be much better if you weren't with such an ass.
Seriously - he learned a relatively small, normal thing about you. You, though, have learned a LOT about him. Who DOES that? the chain, the sofa, the threats, the swearing, the 2:30am rant, involving the parents..
It's not £100k. It will very likely not affect your mortgages at all.
But I so, so hope it will affect your marriage. He should have to work VERY hard to stay married after behaving like this.
These flags are bright, flaming red, and I hope you (a) don't even for the slightest breath of the slightest millisecond consider giving him your salary and (b) leave him before he escalates.

Eolian · 03/10/2017 15:25

He'd be justified in being a bit pissed off, but his reaction and his treatment of you after he found out are disproportionate and very worrying indeed.