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Original poster

'but I earn all the money'

233 replies

Delatron · 01/10/2017 20:48

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 02/10/2017 14:36

Re the last minute work plans trumping your nights out, if yours is already booked, why shouldn't he be the one to organise a sitter? What if you said 'I'm going out as it's been organised for ages, so you'll need to book a sitter if you now need to work'?

Original poster
Delatron · 02/10/2017 15:17

Yes I'll do that. For some reason I take it upon myself to book the sitter. Will
Make him sort it next time.

OP posts:
Mumof3dogs · 02/10/2017 16:19

Would your DH have an idea how to book a sitter?
I know mine is pretty clueless about anything in the real world beyond his work stuff .
Some days I am so tempted to do a Shirley Valentine and disappear for a while and see how he would cope 😂

Original poster
Delatron · 02/10/2017 16:45

Well the reason I do it is I have the app
and the log in (sitters.co.uk) so takes me one minute versus explaining it and sending all log in details. No harm in empowering him next time though.
Would love to do a disappearing act!

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 02/10/2017 16:57

Well, he's a cheeky fucker, isn't he - away "at work" most of the time, but doesn't feel the need to explain to you why he needs to be "at work" for so much of the day, whereas he feels he has the right to ask you what you have been up to all day that has prevented you from booking a tutor, yet?! He needs to sort out his own time management before he starts ctiticising anyone else's, because he sounds seriously inept at running his life without you there to help him.

Butterymuffin · 02/10/2017 17:26

That's the thing, though - don't explain it, don't send log in details. He has to sort it or he can't work the extra time. If it inconvenienced him to do it, I wonder whether it would be so absolutely necessary to work extra, or whether it could perhaps be done from home without the need for a sitter or for you to cancel a night out.

Original poster
Delatron · 02/10/2017 17:30

He is a cheeky fucker. It's often 'oh this client is in town and has asked to meet for dinner'.
Anyway I'm out tonight, he's had to leave the office at 5. There is no dinner for him
and he needs to be the tooth fairy. Step by step!

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 02/10/2017 17:37

Maybe you should work full-time (only if you want to though), and watch him squawk about the new childcare arrangements and having to pay for it all then. He will soon see how much your contribution via putting in the time, has benefitted your family unit. Albeit he should have known that for himself, and to throw 'I earn all the money' in your face is a bloody cheek. Who does he think he is? The disrespect! This dickish mentality to be found here and there that if you're the main earner you matter more than anyone else, is so ridiculous when main earners are normally facilitated by someone else carrying the family and often mental load.

I hope you get through this but he should never, ever have been so utterly rude and dismissive to have spoken to you like that. You won't forget it for a long time. It screams 'I am more important than you!'. He needs a wakeup call preferably akin to a rocket up his arse

Well done for starting your business and all else by the way. Onwards and upwards

gotolder · 02/10/2017 17:40

I'm retired now but worked in the City for some years and met many of these men. I have some memories that give an insight into their thought processes:
men with their feet up on the desks reading newspapers/magazines at 7/8 o'clock in the evening because they couldn't be seen leaving the office 'early' (on time!)
a female top executive being mocked for being 'part-time' when she left on time to be with her baby because she had no actual work to do
a top executive man on the telephone at app 7pm saying over and over and over again "It's daddy darling". "It's daddy darling".

Not one of those man HAD to be where they were when they were. There were occasions when late night/over night working was 'necessary' but only because that was/is the ethos of City working.

I despised them all Sad

picklemepopcorn · 02/10/2017 17:46

Next time you book a night out, tell him in advance that you will be going, so if he needs a sitter he had better book one. Show him the app, give hem what he needs. Remind him that you will be leaving at 'x' o'clock, and that if he is going to be late he will need to arrange a sitter. Maybe arrange for the children to be somewhere else, so that he has to actually collect them and can't just rely on you not leaving them alone.

scottishdiem · 02/10/2017 18:19

Leave him lets see who does best without what the other brings to the partnership. Money on one side and p/t work/childcare/household management on the other......

strongasmeringue · 02/10/2017 18:59

Five quid says he won't remember the tooth fairy duties and argues the dc is too old for that nonsense when pulled up on it.

Missingstreetlife · 02/10/2017 19:43

It's because 'women's work' has low status they get contemptuous.
Just need reminding which side their bread is buttered. Cheeky bastard.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/10/2017 21:42

there is no dinner for him and he needs to be the tooth fairy

Good work!

greenberet · 02/10/2017 22:03

I haven't read all replies op but please watch out - what was his DF like - traditional male i.e. Wife in the kitchen. Your DH sounds like my situation - I thought we were a team too but I was way off - x,s mother did everything for him too -this is problem - I doubt his view has changed you just have been so busy you never noticed - he is questioning his life and feeling dissatisfied with something - if he starts thinking grass is greener elsewhere you are in for a fight. This is much more than stopping doing stuff for him - he needs a bloody big shock that completely throws him off kilter to wake the hell up

FreakinScaryCaaw · 02/10/2017 22:17

Tooth fairy Grin

user1497863568 · 02/10/2017 22:29

Go in housework strike. Divvy up cooking so you have an equal number of set days each. Let him do the shopping.

Mumof3dogs · 03/10/2017 10:00

Did the tooth fairy come then?

FfionFlorist · 03/10/2017 10:49

Neither of you like or appreciate each other. You're both passive aggressive and frankly rude. You either need to learn to communicate with one another or give up and divorce, I think your relationship is likely to be much more toxic to your dc than you realise and I can tell that that is the last thing you'd want for them.

Penhacked · 03/10/2017 10:56

As you have already said, going and getting a full time job now will not be a career, it will be something unsatisfying for you. Or maybe not? Maybe doing something you'd find fun full time is the right approach? Something low paid but interesting in the charity sector, or in a school or pub even? But e could still throw that back in your face because it is low pay. The thing is, his career HAS stinted your career, along with the cancer. That's the decision you made together. I don't know how he cant see it. Write him a letter and go on a three week break somewhere hot while he reads it and sorts out childcare

Original poster
Delatron · 03/10/2017 12:54

The tooth wasn't even put under the pillow! So at least DS isn't upset and we'll do it tonight.

I think increasing my hours in the work I've retrained in will be better than starting again in a low paid full time job. Even when I did a high paid full time job he just wasnt around to help me with the house/kids/garden etc and that caused even more problems. At least now I do something I enjoy and I can build on. Thanks everyone, lots of help and it's good to see different perspectives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 03/10/2017 12:58

He does acknowledge that my career took a backseat for his and also it was a choice we both made as I was ill and had 2 very small children to look after.

His response was that he will support me in whatever I want to do. He claims if I wanted to work full time he would support that and do his share (he wouldn't though). If I wanted to not work too that would be fine.

So in his eyes, he isn't doing anything wrong and there is nothing more he can do.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 03/10/2017 17:22

Gotolder, you are bang on right, so much 'late back' that is unnecessary, I worked in it too for a few years. It's a big swinging dick environment with huge egos and a 'boys will be boys' attitude. Apart from the lifestyle , it's a brave woman that gets involved with these dicks , you will be doing it all if you are working, will often be treated like the housekeeper if a SAHM and expected to do tons of ego stroking

roundaboutthetown · 03/10/2017 20:20

His idea of his share of the work is highly unlikely to coincide with yours, likewise his idea of what tasks are actually necessary to do around a house and how often. If you are OK with ready meals every night, toilets cleaned once a month, hoovering done once a fortnight and washing done when you have run out of clothes, then he might sometimes do his share of that...

greenberet · 03/10/2017 20:31

as i said watch out if he thinks you are no longer stroking his ego - just the fact that you stop doing things may rile him even more rather than nudge him in the direction you want it to go.

the bottom line is he doesn't respect you - doesn't see your value at all - it sounds like he allowed you to give up your career because you were ill but somehow resents this - despite enjoying what he does and needing his job to fuel his ego he probably still thinks you do nothing all day - hence why he gives you a deadline and then checks up on you. he thinks he is the only one that is making any significant contribution to the family - i asked what his DF is like - if his father expected his DM to do everything which sounds as though he did but never acknowledged it - this is where his attitude comes from - it is ingrained. But times were different then it was not so much about equal roles or working as a team. He probably also does not like the fact that you got better results than him - he will not like you setting up your own business this is why he tries to undermine what you are doing in the home - is he coming up to a significant birthday - he may be on the cusp of a midlife crisis and you will be the casualty in this.

I have been there supported an x in building up a business for 20 years - didn't work as didn't need to ( joint decision) and also suffered with depression.
Totally shafted in court - x got incredibly nasty when i filed for divorce - expected me to just carry on doing everything i had done whilst he paid me an allowance and did what he wanted with OW.

i got diagnosed with BC too just as marriage broke down - all he was concerned about was whether i had sorted out insurance payout - he felt he was entitled to this too as he had effectively paid the premiums as i was not working. everything was his - without this money i would have gone under but he was so angry about this that he ran up huge debts to offset it!

i am still trying to pick up the pieces - please be careful - passive aggressive behaviour is a form of abuse and is repressed anger - this was my x - would not discuss anything with me and still wont - he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and how can there be when he is respected in his industry - i am fighting to get him to pay for his kids - i got nothing for the business - he manipulated the sale of the house - most legals dont get how nasty these men can turn they think woman are just bitter that they have been left - funny the breast cancer i too think this was caused by the stress of the marriage - i did everything and i mean everything to do with the house and family -

my day to day life is no different except i am now on benefits - he sees the kids when he wants and changes the arrangements to suit him - his work still comes first - even though he now expects me to get a fulltime job i will not have equal status in his eyes - never will have - something he said at the very beginning of the relationship - i was out of his league - i thought this was a compliment - but no it was a threat to his ego and when i started to wakeup to what was really going on i was discarded like an old toy - still has no respect for me whatsoever - co parenting is a nightmare - my kids are suffering as am i - OP I hope i am wrong here but please have a really good look at your DH - perhaps set him some small tasks and see how he reacts - the fact that you have to cancel your social arrangements is not good either - this is probably deliberate - he doesn't want you getting any idea about what he really is

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