'but I earn all the money'

[Delatron]

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

Marie, you seem to be missing that her husband enjoys the status of being the primary earner. It doesn't seem like the OP has pressured him to chase partnership and work long hours because she desires the lifestyle. He's done it because his career is important to him and he enjoys the benefits of the money as much as she does.

Indeed, the OP attempted to go back to work full time after beating cancer (and raising small children), and struggled because her husband's job is incompatible with family life.

At that point she made a decision to sacrifice her career potential, retirement savings, etc for the wellbeing of the family (her children and husband). So she has made a sacrifice that her husband hasn't made. He was already in his high-earning, high-flying career before he met her - he didn't choose it for her particular benefit.

Now he's sniping at her for something small, and when she points out that she's got her plate full with working and managing the entire household and he's generally not around to help, he tells her he earns all the money and that she should get a full-time job (as though what she does at home doesn't count, and she hasn't already tried working full-time anyway).

Maybe you resent being the breadwinner, but if you have a spouse who's running the whole household and working part-time too, hopefully you're more appreciative of their contribution than the OP's husband.

I agree there is an interpretation where he feels as under appreciated as you do. It may be he feels in an unsecure position at work.

Ask him to describe his perfect set up and you describe yours.

Please make sure that you really do stop doing anything for him. Don't go back on your decision until the bastard grovels.

I don't think stopping doing things for him will make him realise how much you do as you'll still be doing all the kids stuff. I've been away with work a few times this year and my mum came and looked after the kids and home for me.

I realised then how bloody easy dh has it being able to go and work and not have to worry about anything back home.

Unfortunately, these arseholes will only ever realise how much work is involved in looking after kids and a home if they ever do it themselves.

I think you should get an aupair and you'd be able to work more hours.

Tell him the demand for the service is high out of school hours and you want to grow the business..
Which is being hindered at the moment.

Delatron Sun 01-Oct-17 22:16:43
"No he could pay for a babysitter, that's true.
I agree it's a case of him wanting me to work full time but everything else stays the same. The problem is I have done this before, with a toddler and a baby and it nearly broke me. I don't want to be that stressed again."

Interesting. Because there are proven links between stress and cancer.

"he does bugger all around the house"

including when you were ill? With cancer.

Marie is one of those who thinks illness/disability is a lifestyle choice.

I had a long career in a prestigious sector, did well, earned good money etc. I wasn't particularly ambitious and when DC came along it got very hard indeed. (Even though my DH absolutely did his share.)
But my male colleagues, in the main, fucking loved what they did. They loved being successful, earning high salaries, client lunches and dinners, business trips, respect and validation. Now they might say they did all this 'for their families' but mostly, they did it for themselves. They thrived on it. And they could give far more to their jobs because in the main they had wives who were SAHMs, who managed their homes and children and supported their husbands in their careers (until the marriages broke down , as many inevitably did) .
Now, in retirement I hear many of them moan that the job they loved so much actually cost them two or three marriages and contact with DCs or DGCs. As if they had no choice in the matter.

Sorry, posted too soon.
My point is that the OP's husband sounds just like those guys.
They felt entitled to the full-service they got at home because they earned the dosh. They might say 'but i do it all for you and the kids' but won't admit it's far more for themselves and their egos. .

No it's not fair - marriage is a partnership. I've been with my husband 32 years and i would flip my lid if he ever pulled that one. There are things I'd let go "don't sweat the small stuff" but it's just not fair.

I don't have anything new to add, but the bit that's bothering me the most is that you were just expected to soldier on with all the child care and housework while you were being treated for cancer!!

Is this a one off argument and you usually get along well, or do you feel he's been unsupportive for a long time?

I think you should consider an au pair now too - sorry I have missed it but how old are your kids? I fucking loved my au pair.

So, you have:
run the home,
set up a business,
looked after two small children,
recovered from cancer....
all with no support from him.

He has a highly paid, long hours job.

I know who I think is more successful.

It's SUCH a privelege to work and not have to give headspace to dc.

My set up is similar to ops but did a project in traditional office with commute etc. Juggling demands of employer and kids and house was tough. On my first day the boss wanted something completed so I missed the bus enabling me to get home in time to get dc. Dh wouldn't have had that can calmly stay as late as necessary.

My friend works and uses the park and ride. The majority of the women run to their cars frantic to relieve the childcare. The men saunter back to theirs....

Hire a cleaner and other household help and get a full time job op. If he earns all this money it is because you've worked bloody hard to allow him to! Let this money do something for your career.

Thanks all. Sorry I scooted off to bed.
Had to have it out with DH last night though as I was so cross I couldn't sleep!

He has now massively backtracked. Maybe after realising what a twat he was being...

He says he said 'you could get a full time job .. If you like' as a response to me moaning about everything I do round the house. This is not true as I only spelt out everything I do after he said 'you could get a full time job' he now claims he was being supportive and just wants what I want. He admits it would be a nightmare if I did work full time.

Grr. He did admit that I'd sacrificed my career for him and he benefited from that but the downside was he doesn't see the kids. He said I'm lucky to see them all the time but had to give up my career. So at least he can see that.

I still think he is massively under appreciative of what I do.

I'm still also clearly cross about the time I was working full time and still did everything. And yes the poster who said there is a link with stress and cancer.. This is why I won't put myself under any more stress by working full time.

So I'm still quite cross, I think we could communicate better and I think things were said in the heat of the moment. Annoyed he's twisted it now though rather than apologise.

Oh this sounds so familiar!
My DH has thrown this one at me several time in the past couple of years- most recently on Friday night ..Often for the same reason that I haven’t done something that he thought I should have and if I had done it he would moan I should have told him.
I too gave up my career with agreement when the dc were small as the childcare cost escalated.
My being a sahm has allowed his career to get to the stage it is now.
I have done 3 international moves ,had his dm living with us for 15 years , moved her to uk , managed older 2 dc moving to university etc etc
He as predicted did not help with any of that , more hindered. He has been made redundant 3 times in his career which I have supported him through without complaining.
So the current contempt and disrespect I get these days is gradually killing the marriage for me . He works hard , goes away a lot but as the other posters say he does enjoy the travel aspect more than not eg being fussed when he flies first class.
I am concluding that this is an age related thing as he is in the midst of mid life crisis having bought a stupid penis extension sports car - (I hate it)
I am stuck in a foreign country with no job or prospects of one due to language issues, so I am also stuck in the marriage.
The only good thing at the moment is that he is away all week in a vastly different time zone to me, so at least I get some freedom and peace , oh and sleep without his snoring .
Anyway OP you have my sympathy and I will be interested as to how you get across to you DH how you feel and how he responds.

Delatron glad you had it out with him..but are you surprised he didn’t apologise? That’s not meant in a snarky way, I’m wondering if he’s someone who readily admits he’s wrong.

But your business. Would it be possible to make one set evening in the week where you work and get a baby sitter in when he’s not there? Even if in the short term it doesn’t bring in a lot more than the babysitter costs (which theoretically would be 50% to you of the full cost if you have joint accounts), in the longer term it expands your client base and word of mouth.

Something tells me that it might be a good idea to have a more secure financial background behind you going forward.

You sound like you have accomplished a lot while putting your kids first - that's impressive

Could you even imagine saying this to a married working father

He didn't acknowledge how he said it because either he forgot and the high emotion has affected his memory or he realises what he said and is trying to back away from admitting to sounding like a neanderthal.

He is the type to back track and twist things so he doesn't look bad.

Someone up thread mentioned 'managing me' and that is so true. Things need to be done to his timescale or he will constantly nag and ask why they've not been done. Then I list all the million other more pressing things I've been doing but don't feel like I should have too.

He's very passive aggressive too which makes him think he gets away with it. So the tutor thing, him saying 'do you want me to do it?' I know is a passive aggressive way of saying 'why haven't you done this'. So I'll get cross then he'll say he was just being helpful and I've misunderstood.

Being the breadwinner requires sacrifice too

In my marriage that's bullshit.

My dh tried to tell me everything he did was for me and our dd.

Actually NO!

I asked him if in all seriousness that meant that if he didn't have dd and I then that would mean he wouldn't be so career focussed and he'd work less. All went very quiet as he realised nothing would be different for him and his career is to satisfy his needs. He justifies it in his head by saying he does it for us and actually dd and I would rather have him more and less money. His career and hours are because it's what he wants and having us has changed nothing so there's no sacrifice!

On the other hand, everything has changed for me. I'm the one who has made the sacrifices.

joysmum and tiggy so true. He would work exactly the same hours if we weren't around. I've told him to try and manage his time better for example stay really late one night but come home for bedtime the next night yet every night he comes back at exactly the same time (when the kids are in bed).

It was impossible for me to insist on 50:50 when I worked full time as he just wasn't there. When the other person is in a different country you have to pick up the slack. And yes you can outsource but there is a limit. Like the cover for sick days. He doesn't even answer his phone at work so it would be me rushing to school nursery..

You need to learn how to handle him. Sorry I haven’t had time to do your shirts for the next couple of days, you’re ok to do them? I’ve got such an such to do. On being asked if he can passively aggressively do something you should smile and say yes please that would help enormously and thank him and walk away.

In fact I’m sure there is a book you can buy that can make more suggestions for you. The problem is he is treating you like his office staff.

I also think you should do a couple of frivolous things for yourself each week. Coffee shop, walk, swim etc. You are operating like a single parent so stop waiting for him to come home and get in with looking after your health, your children and the rest of your lives. Oh and start a little saving fund. Nothing wrong with having a couple of grand tucked away for rainy days.