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Original poster

'but I earn all the money'

233 replies

Delatron · 01/10/2017 20:48

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

OP posts:
buggerthebotox · 02/10/2017 08:42

OP your situation sounds like mine. The contempt is utterly soul-destroying....

In my case, the contempt was a cover for something else happening in his life...take care of yourself. Sad

ravenmum · 02/10/2017 08:55

Sounds all too familiar to me Delatron. I tried to go back to work one evening a week after the kids were born and he arrived late that day so I ended up having to take the kids into work with me. Then I tried mornings, and when the kids were ill he never took time off, it was always me. Employer was obviously not happy and dicked me around in return. My husband is now my ex - not because of this but because of similarly entitled, thoughtless, selfish behaviour later on in the form of a mistress. He still really does not see any of it. I think it's a character flaw developed in childhood.

Do you think that yours has the insight to rethink this, if you go through it with him persistantly? I don't think mine ever would have; in my case I think breaking up gave me the opportunity to be with someone who is more empathetic and thoughtful. (Have had two boyfriends since and the contrast is ridiculous.)

Believeitornot · 02/10/2017 08:59

@MarieMorgan

There are plenty of female partners and executives who have a handle on home life without leaving it all to their husbands. So let's not play the "poor him" card. Fuck that.
he makes a choice to work that way and actually could make changes. But chose not too.

OP I feel for you. He doesn't deserve you.

Original poster
Delatron · 02/10/2017 09:03

I do pay my earnings in to a separate account.... and I refuse to iron anything..

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 02/10/2017 09:03

Perhaps next time he says 'do you want me to do X' say 'yes, OK, you do it!' Without grovelling or thanking him - just accept the offer. I get the impression he is counting on you not doing that, and just rushing then to do it yourself. Even if he makes a mess of it or doesn't do it, that still helps your point.

Original poster
Delatron · 02/10/2017 09:09

Yes I'll try that. Rise above his passive aggressive nonsense. It's hard. I hate feeling like I'm being managed but must ignore!

OP posts:
amousehaseatenmypaddlingpool · 02/10/2017 09:20

Similar situation here OP. DH has never actually said the words but I know he thinks it.

I grit my teeth, suck it up and spend more of that money to get the support I need and he isn't giving me.

Otherwise we have a great relationship, it's not worth the heartache.

minipie · 02/10/2017 09:26

My DH is also shit at apologising and can be passive aggressive. Sympathies. I call him on the PA stuff though and then I ignore it.

However he doesn't try to manage or nag me about household stuff. He knows he hasn't a clue about most of it. Occasionally he might say "did you manage to X yet" but if I say not yet that's the end of it.

Has your DH accepted that he needs to butt out of the household side of things?

nicenewdusters · 02/10/2017 10:01

I've followed the whole thread OP. If I were you at this point, I'd be trying to decide what truth about him I could live with.

Does he innately believe that you should be grateful to him for providing you with a financially secure life? And that he feels his sacrifice is not seeing his dc as much as he should/could. This may well just be who he is, a whole bunch of assumptions and prejudices he's accumulated over the years. Do you want to live with someone who sees you as junior/secondary to him in your marriage?

Or, is he innately a kind, loving, fair minded man who has become swept up in the idea of himself as the breadwinner, the boss, he who must be obeyed? If so, is there a chance that he can be made to see how wrong his view of your partnership is? If he can't see it, can you live with such a blinkered man? If he can see it but won't change can you live with such disrespect?

Shortly after we split my ex told me that really everything was his -house, car, etc. I calmly pointed out that we had mutually agreed that I would be a SAHM, and that he couldn't move the goal posts now that our situation had changed.

If I think back over our relationship I can see that he was old fashioned as regards roles. He was quite a hands on dad, and did most things I asked of him. But I nearly always had to ask, very little initiative. He definitely saw me as the little woman at home. Presumably this is why he eventually thought he could treat me with contempt and cruelty at a time that I really needed him. He didn't reckon the little woman would ask him to leave. I did. It's funny how quickly he learnt to work his washing machine.

mateysmum · 02/10/2017 11:16

OP I recognise so many of the characteristics of your DH from high achieving men that I know. They can be very hard to live with.
They are driven by work. They derive their ego, their authority from it. They receive respect from their peers and exercise a fair degree of control and autonomy over their lives. So they find it very hard to see how success/esteem value can be gained in any other way.
Hence to them the work you do both at home and in your business has little value. After all, it is no more than his right that you are there to do his bidding! - just as he would expect a work subordinate to complete a task he set them. Basically, I suspect he can't see your problem.
He needs to see you as a wife and equal partner and show that family life has as much value to him as work life. God help him if he is ever unable to work for whatever reason: his life would collapse.

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/10/2017 11:27

Next time he pulls the PA "do you want me to do it" crap just say yes and leave him to it!

Mumof3dogs · 02/10/2017 11:29

Excellent post Mateysmum!

You have summed up my DH exactly.
So many times he makes me feel like i am just another one of his staff and not the equal that i would hope to be.

Anyone got any wisdom as to what to do with these self entitled knobs?

Worriedrose · 02/10/2017 11:35

So he doesn't answer his phone at work because it's not important enough? A sick child at school is a call worth ignoring, because he knows you'll be available.

Fuck me that says a lot about him

handslikecowstits · 02/10/2017 11:52

OP, if I were you I'd be asking myself this question: What does being with this man bring to my life and the lies of my children? Answer it honestly, because from what you've told us about this the answer that is screaming at me is: bugger all. It sounds as if you'd have a better/less streesed life without him.

handslikecowstits · 02/10/2017 11:52

Lies=lives.

mateysmum · 02/10/2017 12:05

Thanks *Mumof3Dogs".

One of the hardest things is to retain your own self confidence and esteem. So many of us have been high achievers ourselves or at least have a good education and know that we are not as stupid as these men would like us to think we are. In starting her own business, I think the OP has done exactly the right thing.

As for words of wisdom - that's harder. Anything that challenges their own sense of worth or suggests that their success is dependent upon other's sacrifices and support is very hard for them to accept.

petalsandstars · 02/10/2017 12:07

My DH can be passive aggressive too - the best way to handle it is what someone else above said. Take everything at face value so if he makes a comment offering to help then accept it.

Thebluedog · 02/10/2017 12:25

Agreed about the passive aggressive behaviour, I always found the best way, if my ex asked if should do it, was to simply say 'yes thanks that would be really helpful' and it soon took the wind out of his sails.

As for his comment, I'd be seething! He wouldn't be in the 'high earning and senior' position he's in without your help.

And you do have a full time job!! You run the house and look after the children, which enables him to work the way he does. I'd be asking him that if that's the way he really feels, then he needs to take a different position at work to allow him to be around for 50% of the childcare, whilst you put full time hours into your business. Regardless of who earns what.

Original poster
Delatron · 02/10/2017 12:41

Thanks all. Yes he really doesn't value any work round the house or even understand how long things take. I do point it out to him but it goes over his head.
Someone mentioned it up thread but it annoys me so much when he treats me like he would his staff. Giving me deadlines and asking why things haven't been done and when am I going to do them. We've had lots of arguments about that but he won't change.

Thanks for the strategy with coping with the passive aggressive bullshit, I'll try that.

mateysmum completely agree, with these men their egos are all tied up in their jobs. Hence the long hours and chasing promotions. He just counters that with he'll be supportive whatever I want to do like it's even an option for me to work in the same manner as him!!

He is however, generous in general, so he should be) and tries to be as hands on with the kids at the weekend as he can be.

OP posts:
handslikecowstits · 02/10/2017 12:54

Giving me deadlines and asking why things haven't been done and when am I going to do them

Your life is your own OP but I couldn't live like this.

Original poster
Delatron · 02/10/2017 13:04

I know, I do argue back. I think I may need to sit down with him rather than argue in the heat of the moment. He just says if he didn't check with me nothing would ever get done. He claims he is 'just chatting' about what needs to be done. Often he'll ask me about something just as I'm trying to get to sleep at night. ..

OP posts:
Mumof3dogs · 02/10/2017 13:27

Oh my Delatron ! Your DH sounds like a copy of mine!

Has yours always been like this or has it got worse as time has gone on?Mine is worse now he’s more senior and the DC are older.

He reasons that they can now do all the stuff he used to so he can just go to work and play on line games when home

Original poster
Delatron · 02/10/2017 13:33

Mumof3dogs they're so annoying aren't they?
I think it's worse now he's more senior. Though I used to try and battle him more when I worked full time. Now if he says he's off out for a client dinner I just comment how nice it is that he's able to do that at the last minute without a care in the world.

He always scuppers my social plans too. That's annoying. If I've time to get a babysitter I do but often his last minute work plans trump my nights out with the girls. He does feign some sympathy thenX

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 02/10/2017 14:06

The thing is that many women make things too easy for men. We do the washing, cleaning etc and we do it so well some men don't appreciate how difficult it is.
I don't care if a partner is working 60 hours a week, there is no excuse for not making a little effort to do things around the house.
Women need to stop spoiling their men

minipie · 02/10/2017 14:26

He just says if he didn't check with me nothing would ever get done

Now that's just bloody rude. (assuming it's not true of course Grin)
Ask him how he would feel if his boss or client did and said that to him.

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