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Original poster

'but I earn all the money'

233 replies

Delatron · 01/10/2017 20:48

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/10/2017 21:09

He's too big for his boots, isn't he? He thinks he's the king of everything. I would be very tempted to put him in his place.

Worriedrose · 01/10/2017 21:11

Take a 2 week holiday
Tell any parents friends that if they pick up the dealing with the kids you won't be happy as this is to deal with your fundamental problems with respect in your marriage.

Then see how it works out. I think perhaps is the only way to get through to him.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:11

I think the tutor thing set me off. So patronising and nagging. I think I then said I normally do everything to do with the kids as he isn't around ever to see them in the week (so that was mean of me but he'd annoyed me) that was when he threw the money thing in my face and implied I didn't have a job. I did say he wouldn't be able to do his job without everything I do but I just got so cross and upset.

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 01/10/2017 21:12

Ugh sorry, that wasn't very coherent! But you get my drift

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:14

sistersofmercy thanks for your kind words.

OP posts:
DermotOLogical · 01/10/2017 21:14

I'd sit down with him when the kids are in bed and properly talk. No raised voices but tell him how hurt and upset you are.

It could be a heat of the moment thing and he didn't realise how bad it sounds. Otoh it could be him showing his true colours.

I'd stop doing stuff for him for a while too,make him appreciate you.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:15

I've thought of that worriedrose. He'd ship his mum in though, who thinks he's the golden boy and I'd be the evil one!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:16

Thanks DermotOlogical. I am so wound up and upset now. I'm not sure I can get my words out. I feel like I never want to speak to him again.

OP posts:
DermotOLogical · 01/10/2017 21:17

Fuck his mum, get away from there and leave him too it!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/10/2017 21:19

OP, do you think there's anyone else who's stroking his ego? (Besides his mum.)

CountTessa · 01/10/2017 21:20

Wow that unpaid work calculator is quite insightful, I'd earn 3x my current ta 4days a week salary.

Worriedrose · 01/10/2017 21:21

Yeah that always seems to be the problem! They always ship them off...

I guess you could say, if you ship our children off to xyz then I'll walk out on you, but we all know life isn't that black and white

FYI I feel angry on your behalf. Very angry and angry for all the fucking women who give up decent careers and then the man thinks they're fucking better because they have such an amazing fucking career and you've just got a little job.

Sistersofmercy101 · 01/10/2017 21:21

You're welcome Delatron
Unpaid but essential (and incredibly hard) work such as childcare (which is 24/7 at times) should never be unrecognised -
much less this disparaging kick in the teeth! I'm so glad that you are self aware enough not to meekly swallow his nonsense and I hope you're able to bring him down to earth and back to reality! He should be grateful for all you've done to support him and his DCs! Good luck 🍀

MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 21:22

Can I offer a different view. All the responses up to now make it sound as though the Op is at home in order to enable DH to have hours of fun every day. He's at work ffs, working bl**dy hard by the sound of it. Lots of work trips and meals with clients sounds like great fun until you've been going it for 20 years and just feel completely knackered. Presumably the family are all benefitting from the money DH is earning so not sure comments so far are very fair.

Justaboy · 01/10/2017 21:23

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home

Tell you what Delatron if you were my partner and had managed that after fighting cancer I'd be bloody Proud of you:-)

Let alone the cooking and cleaning etc i have to do most of that!

Worriedrose · 01/10/2017 21:24

Um the op gave up a good career
Had fucking cancer
Worked in a job that was good for home life

Ergo she has enabled him to progress in his career.

Who gives a shit if it's tough on him. It's tough on her too, yet clearly he doesn't have much in the way of empathy for how much she's sacrificed and helped him

For the love of god

NefretForth · 01/10/2017 21:25

MarieMorgan, you're missing the point. No-one thinks the OH is off having fun (though he may be, I worked with some men in a previous life who loved the travel and angled to get more of it). The point is that they're a team, working together for their family in different ways - or they ought to be. The OP hasn't been swanning about eating grapes either: she's been caring for two children, having treatment for cancer, running the household and building up a business. Do you really think she doesn't deserve respect?

In any case, it doesn't sound as though he's drudging in the salt mines. I get a lot from my job apart from money - good colleagues, interesting problems, intellectual challenge, respect and validation. I imagine the OH here is much the same.

OP, I'm sorry, this is crap. I hope he realises what he said and is very apologetic, but I don't blame you for struggling to get past it.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:26

I'm not actually at home all day though. I work in school hours!

He does work hard but he has always been a workaholic. He loves the status and his position. Agree traveling and client dinners can be difficult but he dies it to further his career.
He does seem resentful though. It's like I can't win! Love to see how he's cope with some housework, cooking, laundry and childcare on top of his job,

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 01/10/2017 21:27

mumonashoestring that calculator is brilliant.

OP It's not ok and you know it. He needs to change or he needs to go. Congratulations on your cancer recovery. Flowers

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:27

Sorry for all the typos! Thanks for all the kind comments. He's made me question everything.

OP posts:
MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 21:28

As an example have just read the comment re the Op saying DH is never around during the week to see the kids which Op acknowledged wasn't very sensitive. I'm working about 70 hours a week at the moment. No choice about it. Just a very busy time which I am completely fed up about. I would be absolutely enraged if my stay at home DH pointed out I wasn't seeing much of the kids at the moment and probably would say "well you go and get a job then".

JoJoSM2 · 01/10/2017 21:28

Frankly, it sound like he was royally pissed off about you not having sorted out the tutor. Is your son behind or has exams soon?

He said something in the heat of the moment and it was below the belt. But you taking it to heart so much looks like a complete overreaction due to some underlying issues or perhaps insecurity.

If you don't fancy doing the laundry or cooking, then just employ someone to do it instead.

whirlyswirly · 01/10/2017 21:28

He sounds uncannily like my xh. Couldn't understand why I wasn't keen to leave a baby and a 2 yr old with some emerging SEN (which needed early intervention) in a nursery to go out to work full time to earn a third of my pre maternity earnings (he had made us relocate to a new area where my previous job didn't exist). My salary in an entry level admin job wouldn't have come near the childcare costs. He worked away during the week.

He actually once said he viewed me with contempt. It showed. I was far from lazy, just flat out doing everything at home while he swanned about enjoying corporate entertainment. Since divorcing the fucker I now have half his high earnings as maintenance, found a good job and got promoted twice and am now studying for my second post grad professional qualification.

Call him on this now, or believe me, the rot sets in.

Thinkingaboutarevolution · 01/10/2017 21:29

OP my advice before you talk about it is to start writing him a letter or email. Not really to send (although you could do) but just as a way to get your thoughts and feelings organised and coherent.
I have done that when my feelings have been running high and it helps give me a clear picture of what my main issues are and how to get them across.

Justaboy · 01/10/2017 21:32

Yes but its not really about money or earnings its about making his wife or partner feed good about herself supporting her and loving her!

No that much to ask is it?.