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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

'but I earn all the money'

233 replies

Delatron · 01/10/2017 20:48

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

OP posts:
WhatWouldGenghisDo · 01/10/2017 22:38

My DP started to appreciate my contribution a whole lot more after I pointed out that if I left him and we split residence 50/50 he would have to give up his high flying job

Howlongtilldinner · 01/10/2017 22:38

After having breast cancer, raising children AND working, I would have zero respect for this individual (I can't bring myself to call him a man) and do what suits me and the DC.

He sounds incredibly arrogant and materialistic. I would make life quite 'difficult' for him Hmm

astrotel · 01/10/2017 22:38

Do you work at day rate or just invoice just single hours? If you charge single hours and need to travel then you are not really earning £40 an hour- how many hours charged at £40 could you fit into a day if you had no other commitments?

MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 22:40

Lillymclelan - guess I just feel like someone on here needs to at least try to see things from the DH perspective. Notice no one is posting in response to all the negative comments about DH that they "are working so hard to make the DH see he is in the wrong". What I see is a silly argument that started with a discussion about sorting out a tutor that escalated into a tit for tat with both sides making hurtful comments. And the right response according to most on here is (rather than realising they both said things in the heat of the moment) to escalate things because let's face it, he's a management consultant and everyone knows they are complete tw*ts anyway.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/10/2017 22:42

Delatron ((hug)).

Don't spend too much energy defending yourself to posters who will just keep on & on being obtuse. It's really not worth it.

Your DH said some thoughtless & nasty things & if he were my DH we'd be sleeping in separate rooms tonight at least.

Do you think he really meant it, or do you think he was just lashing out in a temper & then with hurt feelings?

How were you feeling about him & your relationship before this row?

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2017 22:46

he's a management consultant and everyone knows they are complete twts anyway.*

Most sensible thing you have posted all evening!

:o

Oswin · 01/10/2017 22:49

Marie do you not understand the op was working full time with young children and this knob still left 100 percent of parenting and house work to her.
He's a dick.

boilingstormyseas · 01/10/2017 22:52

My DH was like this. Felt I should go back to work full time but that nothing should change for him on the domestic front. I worked part time instead but part of me hates him for being such a dick about it. He wouldn't be in the career position he is if I hadn't been here doing everything else.

minipie · 01/10/2017 22:55

I think your DH does value what you do and he doesn't really want you to work full time (and you clearly don't want to either).

I think his comments were a reaction to being criticised for not being around. He probably felt you were undervaluing what he brings to the family. So he responded by pointing out that he is earning, to justify why he's not around. And suggesting you could work full time was probably a (rather passive aggressive) way of underlining that he brings in a lot of money, which you couldn't/wouldn't, so again justifying his role in the family.

Of course, the reason you were criticising him for not being around is because he criticised you first for not getting the tutor yet. Which he shouldn't have done, since the domestic stuff is clearly your job not his (and he is not your boss). So he started it (!) but it's now escalated.

How to bring things back from here? Ask him if he's happy with the overall set up (he works, you do domestic stuff and work around that). He will say yes. Say that for that to work he needs (1) not to criticise the way you run things domestically and (2) to confirm he regards your contribution as equally valuable to his.

LilyMcClellan · 01/10/2017 22:55

Notice no one is posting in response to all the negative comments about DH that they "are working so hard to make the DH see he is in the wrong".

That's because the DH isn't here, unlike the OP.

And you've gone a lot further than playing devil's advocate, you've suggested the OP is a liar, has made stupid choices, may be pretending that her hobby is work, and should be thanking her husband for the "opportunity" to start her own business when it's evident that she made that choice because going back to work in a conventional full-time role would ultimately made everyone's lives far more difficult.

Ttbb · 01/10/2017 22:57

Bill him for your services as a nanny and housekeeper.

Brown76 · 01/10/2017 23:01

I think this is a relationship problem, perhaps one that can be dealt with by talking or counselling. I see nothing wrong in your family arrangement with work, it would/does work well for everyone in a practical sense. I also don't think it's unreasonable if you don't want to work full time/evenings, it would be exhausting and you don't need to do it financially.

However if you do want to expand your business I don't think it's fair to say that it wouldn't be worth getting an evening babysitter, you would have the payoff of in a couple of years having a full roster of clients and more of your own income. Surely your childcare costs would be paid jointly, because it's allowing your husband to work in the evenings as much as it is you.

List out everything you both do to manage with the home, every bill, after school activity, pick up and drop off, tutor, managing kids clothing/medical appointments/homework/school liaison/each household chore (and planning/management of), mowing lawn, managing rental property and sit down to divide it up equally. There will probably be around 50 items each. Yes he will have to cut back on work hours to do them, but that will be a better balance for all of you - you will be able to build up your business, he will see more of his kids, you will have more appreciation for each other's roles and perhaps have a better relationship....yes he is a high flyer but it's clear that it's at the expense of family life, maybe time to re-evaluate?

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2017 23:01

Just remembered something "D"H said to me last night. I was going to post on here about it but with one thing and another I forgot.

He was cooking dinner. Something that happens about twice a year and only when i am ill. I love cooking so this is not a problem....however....

I cant remember what brought it on but he said that he was doing so well considering he is seriously injured. This was a joke, he has a funny eye at the moment that is being treated. I said that I am injured when I cook too then as I have a frozen shoulder (again joking, obviously so) and he said "Well you dont have to be a martyr about it" nastily out of the blue. I was gobsmacked!

We didnt have a row, but I did make it VERY fucking clear how pissed off I was and that if me cooking him a meal every single fucking day made me a martyr then I wouldnt do it again.

And today he did a proper double take when he saw me eating a very nice freshly prepared dinner. He went into the kitchen and I heard the microwave and oven doors going because he thought I might have plated him one up. Nope. The kids had eaten.

And until I gte an aplogy, that is how it will be.

The point is that this was the same as the OP's argument. It was all about respect. I was shown none and neither is the OP, and the only way to show how much you do, is to stop fucking doing it.

Willow2017 · 01/10/2017 23:02

Marie
you are deliberately ignoring the fact that OP WAS working full time with 2 kids yet she was doing everything else too as her dp was never around to do school runs, help in the house etc.

Then she was diagnosed with cancer and had to try to work with this hanging over her which stressed her even more so THEY BOTH agreed that she should stop work and look after herself and the kids while he furthered his career.

She has now retrained and built a business for herself earning good money for shorter hours as well as managing the house and kids yet its not good enough for her dp as he had ONE sodding thing to do and resented it.

OP said he is enjoying his high flying job, enjoying the trips and the status and doesnt see her as doing anything half as valuable as he does.

He is a tosser, and needs to be told to get his head out of his arse. They are his kids too, his house too so he needs to chip in when he is there. If making a few calls about a tutor is beyond him then god help his clients.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/10/2017 23:03

Maybe it's time to say that him working full time doesn't work for you any more.

Presumably you're pretty well off. Maybe it's time for him to go part time now, take on the childcare while you expand your business. After all, it's your turn.

:)

Willow2017 · 01/10/2017 23:05

I think this should be compulsory reading for all entitled selfish ohs who think their partners arent doing enough when they arent there.

What did you do all day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

“What happened here today?’”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”

MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 23:07

But her husband giving up his job would presumably make everyone's life more difficult too. I do react strongly to hearing women say that they have sacrificed this that and the other for their husbands. Noone who is in a relationship with kids is entirely free to do what they want. Being the breadwinner requires sacrifice too. Maybe her DH is a total dick or maybe he just reacted to an unfair comment about not being around. No one on this thread really knows but their seems to be plenty on here who would condemn him with half a story.

timeisnotaline · 01/10/2017 23:08

Not much to add but stand your ground op. Marie is being an idiot - nobody makes it to partner without wanting it badly, he wasn't slaving away for her and the family, and if her dh had managed to share the household load when they were both working full time then she might still have a fabulous career, it wasn't a decision made in a vacuum.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/10/2017 23:13

Willow he didn't even have to sort the Tutor out, he was getting at Del because she hadn't done it quickly enough for his liking Hmm. Heaven forbid should he see that's she's actually quite busy with two kids, a job where's she's out all school hours & all of the cooking cleaning & school crap to sort out single handedly and actually offer do it.

Willow2017 · 01/10/2017 23:13

Well considering the op has said that he does Nothing to do with the kids or house when he is there, and didnt do very much at all when they were little and she was working full time either, I doubt if anyone is being unfair.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 01/10/2017 23:13

Sounds like a really good idea to have it all in black and white for him. Cost up the price if childcare ect.

What does he bring to your relationship?

Willow2017 · 01/10/2017 23:15

Annie thats what I meant, he expected OP to do it when a few phone calls would have been all he needed to do but it was too much!

blueshoes · 01/10/2017 23:15

Minipie is spot on.

OP, the question is whether his comment was a one-off comment in the heat of the moment or it is a confirmation of a long history of undercurrents that you have always suspected but he has not until then come out and said.

It could be the former since you are so rocked by it.

If so, then it is a tiff and things were said on both sides that were regrettable. I am not defending his statement, but the greatest tension between dh and I (where we are both time starved) is who does what/more/when in terms of splitting the chores. It completely pushes his buttons if I do not value his contribution and he feels unappreciated. Maybe you pushed your dh's hot button by implying he is a bad father for doing the one thing which he thinks is his major contribution?

Of course, you are not wrong that he is not around during the week.

Is this something to put a rift in your marriage for or completely change an otherwise working arrangement to prove a point of principle? There is one thing my husband has said that I have not completely forgiven him for but that is washed under the bridge in an otherwise sound marriage (though I keep it in the kernel of my heart).

Fightthebear · 01/10/2017 23:20

I think minipie's post above is worth chewing over.

If it was an argument over division of tasks, saying "but I earn all the money" doesn't necessarily mean contempt for your role. It may mean he understands you'll organise the kids while he brings in the money. You may both no longer be happy with your roles of the past 7 years.

If he does view your role & contribution with contempt then clearly he should get stuffed.

windygallows · 01/10/2017 23:25

OP I'm in my mid-40s and I see this all the time with men my age and older. Years of having their lives facilitated by women and after so long it becomes normalized and they begin to take it for granted.The majority of men will believe that their success is due to their own 'hard work' and while their wives supported them, that had nothing to do with their success.

It's a hard attitude to change and I think you have to decide if it's possible to turn around his thinking? Personally I think once they're making statements like your DP it's too late, but that's just my opinion and experience of my peer group/friends.