'but I earn all the money'

[Delatron]

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

He just says if he didn't check with me nothing would ever get done

WTAF.

Seriously?

Love, I think you are so used to the shit way he treats you, you don't even notice half of it.

If he'd said that to me, I'd have told him, in no uncertain terms, that he had better rethink his attitude towards me or he'd find himself served with divorce papers, and I'd mean it.

Jesus wept.

Not only does he leave everythung to you re the house & the kids, but he also treats you like a bloody inept office junior. Fuck that.

I wouldn't take on any more work yet. Look after your mental & physical health. You can step up your client base later if you need to. I don't see any advantage to upping your paid work right now.

Although you are angry with him now, I still really don't think you see how bad it actually is, but I'm not sure how to make you see it. You're the frog 🐸

Thanks greenberet . Sorry about your diagnosis too. It is helpful to hear about others who were in similar situations and how it panned out.

I do think it's interesting the stress and breast cancer link. I was diagnosed at the most stressful point in my life. I now have lost any ability to actually deal with stress hence the career change.

Thanks Annie I do react badly when he 'checks' up on me and tries to manage me. Then we end up arguing. He knows I hate it and react badly too it. I just don't know how to make him stop. Sometimes I just ignore him.

Honestly, I think you have to start by not explaining yourself to him & by telling him that you will not be spoken to like that. Saying things like 'Do not speak to me as though I am your employee. I am your wife'.
Or 'Who the fuck do you think you are talking to?'

All the time you are saying 'No, I haven't done x, I've been doing abc, I needed to blah blah' you are simply reinforcing his belief that he is in charge & you are there to be micro managed.

And honestly, if he had said that about needing to check up on me or nothing gets done, I'd have really given him what for. He'd have been under no illusion that he'd stepped over the line into divorce land. You do every fucking thing bar his actual job, he doesn't appear to do a single practical thing re the house or kids and yet he feels it's ok to talk to you like that & suggest it would all fall apart without his interrogations & attempts at micro managing.

Stop doing anything for him ... let him see what you do and how much he’d miss it.

I think you have to underline that the claim he would do his share is a lie.

Any progress Delatron?
Am curious as my DH is even trying to micromanage me transatlanticically a he’s away on a business trip keeps checking up on me and what I am doing without him

You can't make him do anything Delatron. You seem to think it's your responsibility to shape him into a decent partner - it absolutely isn't.

I've worked with a few of these high-flying 'my job is everything' types. They are so full of hot air. As others have said, half the time they're fannying around doing nothing, avoiding going home. They spend hours in 'meetings' making fart jokes and tell their wives how very very hard they're working. Arseholes. If you can't do your job in a reasonable amount of time then you're a timewasting idiot. Strangely enough it's usually these timewasters that are the ones who go on and on about how important and busy they are. The really important and busy people (usually women who keep everything afloat without the pay or title to reflect that) manage to fit an enormous amount of stuff in and never take any credit for what they do.

Mumof3Dogs Mine is away at the moment too so no progress other than I went out last night to a prearranged thing and got a babysitter. He does normally try to micromanage from afar but I didn't take his call last night as he obviously calls me slap bang in the middle of dinner with friends.

I am reading everyone's responses and definitely have plans to change things going forward. Probably need to start with a big chat.

Completely agree ThesparrowHawk it just smacks of a lack of time management. His company is terrible for presenteeism though. Especially as they are at their clients' beck and call. He just always says 'at least I don't work weekends or travel as much as my colleagues'. I actually hate his company. It's viewed as completely normal to be in the office until 7.30/8 at night. Then add on an hour and a half commute