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Original poster

'but I earn all the money'

233 replies

Delatron · 01/10/2017 20:48

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

OP posts:
Thinkingaboutarevolution · 01/10/2017 22:11

Pyongyang that sounds a good approach.

reflexfaith · 01/10/2017 22:11

It will inevitably come out that what he wants is for you to earn more but for his life to say exactly the same
Indeed!
Then again he might realise that actually doesn't really want you to earn a good full-time wage because then you might realise that you don't need him that much....

ivykaty44 · 01/10/2017 22:12

So your do doesn't earn very much if a babysitter would wipe out his earnings?

reflexfaith · 01/10/2017 22:13

A classic case of vastly over playing his hand

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 22:14

Completely, if I took him at his word we'd be in the same situation as before.
Competing over whose job was more important. Telling him he has to do a pick up and him saying he can't as he has a very important meeting. It was a constant battle.

I can say 'I'll work full time you'll do 50% of the housework' and he wouldn't. Especially on the weeks he's away. It would all still be down to me, only I'd have a full time job to juggle again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 22:16

No he could pay for a babysitter, that's true.
I agree it's a case of him wanting me to work full time but everything else stays the same. The problem is I have done this before, with a toddler and a baby and it nearly broke me. I don't want to be that stressed again.

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 01/10/2017 22:17

If he doesn’t do his share then don’t do his housework. Don’t wash his clothes or cook his meal, don’t do things for him - if he backs out of a childcare arrangement use the joint account to pay for childcare without making a big deal. Pay for that babysitter, make him go overdrawn. The only way he’ll ever understand or appreciate you is if you make him suffer.

MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 22:18

Delatron - you say you sacrificed your career to watch him fly. Well you are either not telling the truth or you have been really stupid. Either way it's not your DH's fault. If you wanted to continue your career then that's what you should have done. Having said that if you've found a way of earning 40 pound an hour when you've been out of the workplace for several years then I think you've made the right choice to stay at home!

astrotel · 01/10/2017 22:19

No he could pay for a babysitter, that's true.

Childcare is a joint responsibility- not just 1 person. As I posted earlier at 1 point our childcare costs were more than my salary but it was a joint decision that we would both work and so we both paid towards childcare.

Do you want to work more hours?

runningfromplacetoplace · 01/10/2017 22:20

You sound like you have accomplished a lot while putting your kids first - that's impressive. I have a few colleagues at work who do a brilliant job while keeping on top of everything at home - these people are really inspirational and work so hard. It's easy to climb the career ladder if you don't have to worry about anything at home.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 22:20

Surprisingly it found it difficult to continue my career in Media (long hours) with a husband who wasn't around and 6 months of chemo with a 6 month old and a toddler... Hats off to anyone who managed that though!

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 01/10/2017 22:24

'It's not a hobby and I earn about £40 per hour profit. Just need to get more hours!'

'An evening babysitter would wipeout any earnings.'

I think you need to work out what you want here. You certainly deserve more respect. If he wants you to work more he's going to need to do more around the house. But it doesn't sound like you really want to work in the evenings because there's no way a babysitter costs close to £40 per hour, or even £20 allowing for travel time, so careful you don't argue yourself into a corner. Not wanting to work in the evenings after a day at work/with kids is perfectly valid.

MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 22:25

I'm just saying that it's unfair to say that you sacrificed your career for your husband when actually you stopped working previously due to ill health and have since decided to work from home rather than go back to full time work when your kids are at school.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2017 22:25

But thats the point of taking his word.

Dont accept "Well I cant because......" say "Well I wont be doing your share so how do you want to arrange it? I assume you will want to pay a cleaner and nanny, when shall we arrange interviews for? It will cost £££ per month by the way"

The hours when you are out of the house and need childcare must be split down the middle. You pay your half and he pays his, same with the housekeeping, if he doesnt want to do his share then he is at perfect liberty to outsource it but you wont be paying anything towards it as you will be doing your half.

He needs to realise just what you bring to the pot and it sounds to me like you need to put a cash value on everything you do, by making him pay out for your replacement while you are earning.

LilyMcClellan · 01/10/2017 22:27

@MarieMorgan you're really working hard to make the OP seem like she's in the wrong for wanting some acknowledgement of her juggling act from her husband, aren't you?

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 22:28

The babysitter would need to be booked for a few hours though to allow for travel etc. So not worth it really. More of an argument that it makes sense for me to maximise my hours whilst the kids are in school. Then I'm around for all the after school malarkey.
As he agreed and he bought in to. Just feels that has been thrown back in my face.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 01/10/2017 22:30

He doesn't deserve what he has.

You deserve more, though. An equal. Someone who has the intelligence to be able to see beyond his own narrow (corporate, selfish, dull?) worldview. If it's not done in a suit either with a powerpoint to hand or hurr hurr-ing over an expensive meal, it's not work, I guess?

Do you see yourself with a man like this in twenty years time?

How clever is he, is he good company? I'm struggling to see that, given the selfishness and especially the stupidity of his comments.

You sound cleverer, more versatile, with an emotional intelligence he lacks.

I could be biased - I have known quite a few management consultants and rarely have I seen evidence of so much money being showered on people who have so little to contribute!

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 22:33

Marie, I'd earn less for more hours if I got a standard full time office job probably minimum wage. It doesn't make any make sense. Then I'd have to pay for childcare.

This was a decision we both made. I don't work from home.

It was unsustainable for both of us to have full on careers. Therefore I agreed to give mine up. This choice was made for the benefit of our family. I have created my own business from scratch which earns a high hourly rate yet means I'm still around for the kids and do everything around the house and for DH.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 01/10/2017 22:33

I hear you Delatron. This isn't about who earns what, when and how. This is about wanting the team effort. The respect that team members give each other and the understanding that without the other part of the team, there would be no success.

whirlyswirly · 01/10/2017 22:34

Ouch, Marie Hmm

Logically the only way you can both work full time is if you outsource some of the housework and childcare. He won't pick half of it up and you can't physically do it all, so that's the only viable outcome. I think it would be very wise for you to have your own healthy income given his behaviour.

This might sound ridiculous but I'd start by getting some quotes for what is needed and then treat it like a business plan and sit down with him to go through it. I think you need to take the emotion out of it if possible and look at the practicalities of what you're trying to achieve as a family.

I also wonder if it's worth some couples counselling before the resentment builds to the point of no return.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 01/10/2017 22:35

Call his bluff. Tell him you're going back to work full-time, you'll do comparable hours to his and like his, they'll often be unsocial. This means he needs to do 1/2 the housework and to organise school pickup / drop off, after school care or whatever for half of all working days. See what he says to that.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/10/2017 22:36

MarieMorgan. Your posts are nasty.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 22:36

FizzyGreenWater that made me smile.
Academically I did better than him; better A-levels, higher level degree.

Completely agree, he does not see what I do as work...

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 01/10/2017 22:36

Pyongyang is spot on. Have that conversation with him.

VinoTime · 01/10/2017 22:37

I would seriously do your research on what it would cost for the amount of childcare you would need to cover his working hours, and a full time housekeepers wage for cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc. Basically, how much would hired help cost to cover EVERYTHING you do, OP? I would then write that figure down on a post it note and slap it straight onto the arrogant muppets forehead. And make sure you do it with gusto to get a nice smacking sound Wink

The bloody nerve of him. You have sacrificed your own career for the benefit of your family, because his career required it. He wouldn't be where he is now were it not for you. He wouldn't be earning the sum of money he is were it not for you. He wouldn't be enjoying his current title as master of the fucking universe...were it not FOR YOU and the sacrifices you made. I have no doubt he's worked incredibly hard for it all, but you've worked incredibly hard in the background to support it all, and that should never be diminished. I think princess needs a reality check.

I don't blame you for being hurt and upset, OP. I would have steam coming out of my ears if I was ever made to feel that undervalued and underappreciated. For a man to think so little of his wife and mother of his children - a woman who has been through a major health scare, gave up her own career for the benefit of his, retrained for the benefit of her family and her husbands career, and has done every morsel of childcare and housework without any help from him (from what I've read)... No. That's not on. Not at all Sad

Big bunch of Flowers for you, OP. I hope you can sort it all out. For what it's worth, I think it sounds like you've done fucking awesome Star

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