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Original poster

'but I earn all the money'

233 replies

Delatron · 01/10/2017 20:48

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

OP posts:
Sistersofmercy101 · 01/10/2017 21:49

astrotel they divorce as men are resentful that women don't work

  • Don't work? Really?! So why do people pay nannies, cleaners, cooks, nursery nurses, childminders, afterschool tutors, etc if it isn't work????
Both partners can have a professional career... If they either a) don't have children or b) pay aforementioned professional childcare providers / teachers / tutors and cleaners, cooks etc but even with these services who looks after the organisation of said care? Who takes the hit if either child or professional carer is ill or unavailable? Your post comes across as derogatory and condescending btw.
NefretForth · 01/10/2017 21:49

Marie, the one at work probably wouldn't just decide not to go to work if they were getting contempt and disrespect from their colleagues, but they'd probably be looking pretty hard for another job!

Smeaton · 01/10/2017 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thinkingaboutarevolution · 01/10/2017 21:50

Personally, I think there is scope here for this being sorted out with good communication and listening. I don't think going on strike will work very constructively.

MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 21:51

The OP has a home business but hasn't said doing what and how much they earn. Many people I know with a home business are trying and failing to turn a hobby into something that makes money.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:52

I'll try the communication angle tomorrow. I just really don't feel like doing anything for him at the moment as he's shown how little he values what I do...

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:54

Not a home business! Let's say (and this isn't as dodgy as it sounds) I visit clients and train them and get a good hourly rate for doing so. I'd get a lot more if I could work evenings but you know DH isn't around and I have children to look after.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 01/10/2017 21:55

A two week holiday is in order, leaving everything to him.

MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 21:55

So if my DH said you never see the kids and I pointed out that I was earning the money and maybe he should try going to work I'd be treating him with "disrespect and contempt". That's ridiculous. I would simply be reacting to a hurtful comment he made re me not seeing much of my kids.

astrotel · 01/10/2017 21:56

*astrotel they divorce as men are resentful that women don't work

  • Don't work? Really?! So why do people pay nannies, cleaners, cooks, nursery nurses, childminders, afterschool tutors, etc if it isn't work???? *

Working people just do that as well. Childcare is different but unlike the mumsnet myth most working couple do not have cooks, cleaners etc. They just share the jobs between them as well as working.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:56

It's not a hobby and I earn about £40 per hour profit. Just need to get more hours!

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:58

I do work. I struggle to work full time hours as he travels lots and works late and dies bugger all round the house. This is why him saying 'get a full time job' is hurtful.

OP posts:
astrotel · 01/10/2017 22:02

Both partners can have a professional career... If they either a) don't have children or b) pay aforementioned professional childcare providers / teachers / tutors and cleaners, cooks etc but even with these services who looks after the organisation of said care? Who takes the hit if either child or professional carer is ill or unavailable?

No-one needs a cleaner or cook!

You are legally entitled to time off work to arrange childcare (not time off work to care for a child). No-one takes the hit- what does that mean?

Yes you can pay for childcare- most working people do. Short term cost for long term gain. Our childcare was more than my salary at 1 point- but is a shared cost if you both want to have a career.

I am not saying that having a career is right. It is about have shared values. they may be that one of you stays at home.

The op and her husband do not seem to have shared values and goals at the moment and hence the issue.

MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 22:02

So what do you get out of being married to a very high earner. Is it really all so bad? Don't you get the chance to start your own business because essentially your DH can cover all the bills. A lot of people would love to be in that position.

ivykaty44 · 01/10/2017 22:03

Delayron fine then he needs to source and employ someone to do his share tell him if you're working full time then client dinners he may well need to pay a babysitter

The reality is he's not just a business man he has a responsibility as a parent, who thinks both parents should work full time. In which case he can't have his cake and expect to eat someone else's after his serving.

People\men seem to agree to one parent staying home to do a great job but then become resentful because they make all the money. They forget about the £20k of free loading they are getting from the other parent staying home.

whirlyswirly · 01/10/2017 22:04

Is an au pair any kind of option? Just while you build your business up maybe. Or an evening babysitter so you can work a couple of evenings a week? I can well imagine how frustrating this must be.

My xh remarried, had more children and then took a new job which takes him all over the world. I often think his new wife is worse off than I was, which takes some doing. I actually find being a working single Parent easier than that whole chapter.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2017 22:06

How abou "I think you are right, I could do more hours so how do you want to arrange it? As you know most of my clients want appointments a weekends and evenings, so how are you planning on covering your half of those hours? And of course we will need to split the housework more equally as I will be doing the same sort of hours as you, how do you want to organise that?"

Take him at his word!

It will inevitably come out that what he wants is for you to earn more but for his life to say exactly the same, and unless he genuinely is a complete cunt, he will see how unreasonable that is. One of the jobs he will be taking on is the kids education admin of course........

astrotel · 01/10/2017 22:06

They forget about the £20k of free loading they are getting from the other parent staying home.

How do you get to £20k as a figure?

Thinkingaboutarevolution · 01/10/2017 22:08

Marie can you really, honestly, hand on heart not see where the OP is coming from at all?

BewareOfDragons · 01/10/2017 22:09

I'd be hurt and furious if my DH implied what yours has done.

I hope your communication about it helps.

NefretForth · 01/10/2017 22:09

astrotel, in a case like this one (where doing the OH's job as a working single parent would involve either two nannies or a nursery and an au pair, because you couldn't expect a single nanny to work the necessary hours), I'd have thought £20K was a massive underestimate.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/10/2017 22:09

Book in some evening clients. Tell him he's got to be home or organise a babysitter.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 22:10

An evening babysitter would wipeout any earnings.

Marie. Yes but we both agreed that me starting my own business was best for the family and for his career. I've sacrificed mine to watch him fly.

I'm building something up from scratch and that is hard work too. What I don't want is the 'why don't you get a full time job'. thrown in my face as we'd both agreed that wouldn't work for our family.

OP posts:
NefretForth · 01/10/2017 22:10

PyongyangKipperbang, good post - I think that's spot on.

TemptressofWaikiki · 01/10/2017 22:10

FFS MarieMorgan The Op works as well and is dealing primarily with the childcare. She isn't a SAHM.