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Original poster

'but I earn all the money'

233 replies

Delatron · 01/10/2017 20:48

Just had a humdinger of a row with DH.

Background; when we met I had a decent career but he was a very high earner . Had children, I got breast cancer so was agreed I would stay at home and recover, look after 2 small children. His career is full on, think long trips away at the last minute, late nights etc. I did go back to work full time when kids were babies but I had to do everything still in the home (hindsight this was a mistake but he wasn't physically there!) then got the cancer diagnosis.

Fast forward 7 years. I've retrained and work part time. We've both agreed this works as I am around for the kids and he gets to further his career and do everything he needs to last minute (if I could go back in time I wouldn't do this!)

So is it fair enough for him to throw the 'I earn all the money' card in my face? And 'you could always get a full time job' or even a 'job'.??

So no recognition of anything I do. That I've created a new business out of nothing that allows me to still do everything around the home. He gets his meals cooked, laundry done. He does nothing to do with the kids or house during the week. So unappreciative. I feel like divorcing him but not sure if I'm over reacting.

I know I should have held on to my career so I don't want this thread to be about that.

It's just the utter contempt he's shown me and the lack of appreciation. He would never have got all his promotions if he'd been running off doing the school run...

I guess it suits him to say to me now to get a full time job. Just as the kids are older and he's reached partner level...

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:32

Yes thinkingaboutarevolution that's a good idea, I'll do that.

The tutor thing; he'd had one last year, I wasn't sure how good the tutor was so spend this week researching new ones and working out when we'd have a free hour around all the clubs. He's a bit behind with maths.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 01/10/2017 21:33

So stop doing anything for him. I'm sure he can work a washing machine/cooker. Ungrateful git. You're part time to raise HIS dc! They're not just yours!

GruffaloPants · 01/10/2017 21:33

It was a low blow, but seems somewhat provoked by your comment about him not being around for the kids. Fault on both sides. It also isn't easy being the main earner and not seeing your children enough. I'd be really hurt and insulted if my SAHP DP said to me what you said to him. Sounds like you both need to improve your arguing style.

Worriedrose · 01/10/2017 21:33

@MarieMorgan
She also said he was a workaholic who enjoyed the trappings of status at work.

Maybe you have to work 70 hours and hate it, but it doesn't seem that way for the ops husband.

Lanaorana2 · 01/10/2017 21:33

I assume he's a solicitor, so he ought to be well aware of what will happen to his precious money if you decide he's not a satisfactory husband.

People can make partner with spouses who work full time, but he's skipped off a lot more easily than those people.

reflexfaith · 01/10/2017 21:34

I would be reminding him that without my support he would be nothing😠

nicenewdusters · 01/10/2017 21:34

I think OP these types of comment hit so hard because it's like a mask falling away. You think you've made a life based upon shared values. You respect that he works hard, you assume he does the same about you. When such a disrespectful remark is aimed at you, you can hardly believe it's coming from his mouth.

The thing is, has he always really thought this way but kept it to himself? Or, has his career made him feel differently about himself and now he looks down at you, as "just" the home maker ?

Either way it's totally unacceptable. Imagine you said to him that you looked after the dc most of the time, so you were really the only proper parent. But why would you, you don't want to hurt him. So why did he want to hurt you?

DPotter · 01/10/2017 21:34

Fair enough Marie but if DH was a single parent he would not be able to work late, travel for work without paid help. he may earn money by OP, Delatron his wife, enables him to work at this high level without paying for housekeepers, nannies, drivers etc. She, OP is more than deserving of respect for the role she fulfils to keep the family happening. Its not just a case of one person earning the cash and the other person spending it at all.

OP - your DH needs a wake up call and you have several options. I personally would go for route of stopping washing, ironing, feeding him. Yes - it can be seen as petty but sometimes the simple acts speak volumes.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 01/10/2017 21:34

Pretend you are him. Tomorrow is Monday and you have a hastily arranged work trip and wont be home until Friday.
Let him deal with the kids, house, etc.

Show him as little respect as he shows you. My husband is very similar. I left him 6 months ago. Dick.

Thinkingaboutarevolution · 01/10/2017 21:35

MarieMorgan the way I read it though, was that he is away working a lot doing his bit and she is at home doing all the stuff there around her job. All ok so far. But instead of being appreciative of her he is picking at the thing she hasn't done, effectively criticising rather than looking at the bigger picture and appreciating the many things she does do.
I would have taken that as quite an insult personally.

astrotel · 01/10/2017 21:35

The "money" card is a totally false fallacy - as you've said without your massive personal financial sacrifice I.e. Your professional career retrain and serious hard work with house and DC where would he be??

Probably in the same place. It is possible for both partners to have professional careers.

This is the biggest source of divorce amongst our circle. Children leave home to go to Uni and they divorce as men are resentful that women don't work. Not saying it is right but it is very much a theme.

VanillaSugar · 01/10/2017 21:36

I've had one of those days. Today DH went for a run then played video games and went back to bed. I did....... everything else, including taking DS to a party, washing sweaty running clothes, making DH's packed breakfast and lunch tomorrow. DH looked aggrieved because i dared ask him for the salt and pepper at suppertime. I had a great media job when we met but I can't have that career plus 2 kids plus be moved around the country in the whim of his employer.

It's time to stop ironing his shirts. Send them out and double the cleaners.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:37

He's a Management Consultant.

Yes he's very much benefited from me picking up the slack at home. When I worked full time it was general hell all round and he hated it. He still barely managed to do any nursery drop offs. I got home 7.30 pm knackered and neither of us saw our children, then I did everything in the house. He knows it was a bad time!

OP posts:
LHReturns · 01/10/2017 21:37

You each have a critical role in the household - his job is Director of Finance, yours is Chief Operating Officer and Director of Family Culture. Personally I would pay a whole lot more for your role to be done really well. Especially as far as your children are concerned.

Congratulations on all your successes OP.

RandomMess · 01/10/2017 21:39

I'd send him the going rate of a nanny willing to work long hours and over nights plus a full time housekeeper...

Oh and additional cost of weekend care!!

thatdearoctopus · 01/10/2017 21:39

I've ranted and raged on threads like this before BUT...........
in this case, IF the argument went along the lines of you telling him he never sees his kids and his reply was "that's because I'm out earning money," it puts a slightly different slant on it.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:41

Thanks all. Tomorrow I stop doing everything for him. He will need to come home early as I have something important to do too.

Many of you have hit the nail on the head. It's so disrespectful. I need to find if it was a dig back at me or he really feels this way.

He definitely places no value on 'wife' work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:42

It was 'I earn all the money' and 'you could go and get a full time job'. Then implying I didn't have a job.

He often asks me what I've done in the day. It's like he genuinely forgets I do work!!

OP posts:
Thinkingaboutarevolution · 01/10/2017 21:42

No, when it all runs smoothly it is invisible and taken for granted.

NefretForth · 01/10/2017 21:43

astrotel, it's possible for two partners to have professional careers: it gets difficult, verging on impossible, if one of them also has to travel. I'm the breadwinner in our household: in my current job I don't travel much, but in my previous one I was a bit apt to have to drop everything and go to Preston or somewhere equally glamorous at no notice. Fortunately DH is at home, so I could do it, and my career benefited accordingly, so we all reaped the financial rewards when I got a promotion. I think couples who manage two full-on careers are either earning stratospherically and can afford hot and cold running nannies, or have a lot of family help behind the scenes.

Original poster
Delatron · 01/10/2017 21:44

I did rant about 'magic fairies' doing everything. Falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 01/10/2017 21:44

OK, he's a twat then!

ToadsforJustice · 01/10/2017 21:45

What do you get out of the relationship OP?

MarieMorgan · 01/10/2017 21:46

On these sort of threads it always bemuses me that the stay at home partner is told to go on strike. Shame the one at work can't decide to just not go to work if they are feeling unappreciated. Anyway I think the whole premise of this thread is skewed. The OP starts by saying her husband had thrown in her face the fact that he is the earner. Then a little further down the thread we learn that he had said that in response to the OP telling him he doesn't see the kids during the week. As another person posted there clearly seems to be fault on both sides it this argument so I don't think the DH deserves some of the very strong criticism on here.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/10/2017 21:48

But the OP is working, Marie. And he doesn't see the kids in the week. He relies on her totally for all childcare and to work and to do all the housework.