New guy - am I being paranoid or are these red flags?

[m0use11]

I met a guy online two weeks ago. On our first date we seemed to click and I do really like him. Saw him again during the week and then last weekend we spent the full weekend together. I stayed over twice this week and am seeing him all this of this weekend.

It's moving quicker than previous relationships I've had and I'm feeling a bit rushed. I'm not sure if this is just a sign that there's a real connection or if I should be feeling uncomfortable? There's a couple of things that have made me a tiny bit unsure but I don't know if I'm being sill.

Tonight I'm off out for a few drinks with friends, preplanned. He was really insistent that he took me out and then that I stayed over at his rather than going back to mine later. This is nice but I now feel under a bit of pressure not to stay out late or get too drunk.

He hasn't yet been to my house and doesn't seem keen on staying round. I have a nice flat and a considerate housemate who I'm sure would go out and give us our own space, so this isn't an issue. He seems really keen for us to 'make house' - This is to the extent where he has starting washing my clothes and buying toiletries when I insisted I needed go home.

He says that all his previous exes have cheated on him or hurt him. This I can believe but I do quite often read this can be a red flag?

He was really insistent on talking about our past exes. My last boyfriend hurt me really badly and I don't want to discuss it but he kept pushing and pushing until I got upset. He apologised but I'm embarrassed.

He does seem to be available all the time. This was a bit of a refreshing change from a lot of men who tend to be busy with work, friends etc most of the weekends but he is always free.

I'm sure I'm just being silly but just wanted to get other opinions?

when I meet men they seem to let me down and I've been hurt a lot

Is that because you get into ‘relationships’ after 2 weeks when you don’t really know the men? Because of course you will get let down and hurt if you are expecting a virtual stranger to be your boyfriend/partner before you really know him.

You are being a complete doormat and walking into an abusive relationship with your eyes wide open. It’s painful to read.

You say you're reading the replies and taking the advice on board but it really doesn't seem that way at all.

It's important to listen to and trust your instincts and feelings. Think about how he has made you feel to date. He's put you under pressure. He's pushed you to reveal information you felt uncomfortable giving. He's upset you. He's made you feel uneasy by making plans for you without your permission. You felt under pressure to change your plans. If you carry on seeing him then keep track of these things. The fact that you have noticed these things and are able to tell us on this thread is actually really good. It means you are noticing and logging and reflecting on his behaviour. That's a step in the right direction. You've clearly read about red flags and are making yourself aware of what to look out for. Now set yourself some boundaries. Write down what you want out of a relationship. Work out what behaviour you find acceptable and what you do not. E.g I will not change my plans for a man. I will only share information when I feel ready. I will date on my own terms. I will not stay in a relationship with a man who criticises or makes fun of me.
I don't think your friend is jealous. She has had a abusive relationship and wants to share her knowledge of self protection with you.
And yes read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that"
If you arm yourself with information and protect yourself with good boundaries then you will be in a good place to work out early on whether a man is going to be good for you.

No good will come of this

Two weeks in and you are already having sleep overs?

He's a fucking stranger - you have only known him two weeks. He's already in the few days you've spent with him brought you to a forum for advice about his behaviour you're not happy with. You ought to be scared because he is pushing and pushing you and now you can't even get a taxi he's meeting you -ffs that's in the space of this thread.

I'm scared for you

Far too much, far too soon. Be very careful OP doesn't seem good to me at all.

You just arent listening

Why bother ask?

Is this man 23 also?

You don't need to offer him any explanations other than 'thanks but no thanks, we will arrange something for later in the week'. DO NOT tell him where you are going tonight. DO NOT go back to his place. DO NOT see him tomorrow where he will undoubtedly act like a sulky kid or like a lovesick puppy.

This is not going to end happily and to be frank that you are posting on a relationship board after only two weeks should be enough to tell yourself this man is bad news.

I don't think sleepovers are the problem here

OP is listening guys. She's asking questions and reading replies and it's making her think. She's only 23 and is just starting to learn about relationships. It's unfair to tell her what to do and then get cross if she doesn't immediately act on your advice.

The OP is on a night out

It's been 30mins since she last posted

Give her a fecking break!!

And so, it begins….

OP, I want to shake you. But only because I was there and this is so scarily similar how years of intense emotional abuse started for me! At least, you're having some doubts. I was not even this aware. Please, please listen to everyone on this thread! I am literally screaming at my screen ‘Noooo!’ because I had the same sort of scenario when I still had friends in the beginning of my abusive relationship and made plans to go out with them. My ex was all ‘gentlemanly’, almost too good to be true chivalrous to insist on picking me up no matter how late. Of course, then it began making me uncomfortable and I felt inhibited and guilty about staying out late. Everything, shifted so much that I felt guilty and my ex was like a stern and disapproving parent. He chided me about getting tipsy and my friends were slutty and just jealous of our special relationship. He pre-empted a lot of their possible concerns. Anyway, I was so caught up in it all, I would not listen to any warnings. I began going out less and less because we were enough for each other. And his long-suffering, passive aggressive demeanour when he sat there seething in the car waiting outside some venue wore me down. It eventually got too much for me to bear. I stopped going out with my friends.

Please look at this behaviour from the point of view of someone else. After barely two weeks, why would you go home to his after a night out with friends? It be late and you will feel like you have watch the time. I can literally promise you that because he will make you feel a bit guilty for keeping him waiting and up late. Just go back to your place or even to your friends. You are so young! Enjoy your night out!

If you like him and you want to test it, you need to keep your ground and see what he does. That includes: weekend days when you meet only with your friends, stay over at their place too; days when you say you want a lie in and some lazy day at yours and see if he agrees to go to yours, days when your flatmate is in and it's ok because you can all have a fun time and have a conversation or a meal together; invite him over to meet and stay with your friends for a night / meal out... Don't reply his messages straight away if it's just chit chat, leave him to wait an hour and mention later a"sorry, I was talking to a friend that needed to vent", see if he complains about being second or suggests he's more important.
Take him out of his circle and comfort zone, take him to your circle of friends, your house, your flatmate, your university/work... See if he wants to participate more or if he wants you to retreat to his circles through excuses such as "they don't like me", "I'm not accepted there", " I prefer us over mine". If he wants to be involved in your circles, your hobbies, your stuff, maybe he just feels you are right for him. If he insist you go always to his, wants you to do what he does, becomes a victim against your family and friends, and wants you to always be within his territory, then he's not worth it.

I did go super quick with my last relationship, we both did, he asked me to stay permanently at his within weeks, but we are happily married now. I don't really know much about his exs and he never really asked about mine, though. We talk about them when it comes up in the conversation but never actually forced a conversation. I don't think we would have liked each other before we met, though, so I think we just keep quiet about the past because we wouldn't have clicked at all 5-10 years before we met

notacooldad are you a woman?

I find you accusing a 23 year old emotionally vulnerable woman of just enjoying the drama really inappropriate.

Jedimum1 I wish someone had given me your advice years ago. Really spot on!

When your friends tell you how odd he seemed, how controlling he seemed, how creepy it is that he was glued to you all night they are doing this because they care. Because they can see things clearly and objectively. When your friends say these things it is not because they are jealous of your special 'connection' and two-week-old relationship. It is not because they fancy him and want him for themselves. It is not because they are damaged in some way and seeing things through warped lenses. When your friends say he is too intense and creepy please listen to them, block him and be thankful for having such good friends.

I find you accusing a 23 year old emotionally vulnerable woman of just enjoying the drama really inappropriate.I

Well guess what! I don't care what you find.
I and a load of others have given the OP a load of sound advice ( scroll down if you haven't seen my posts. ) I have described her earlier Ines as giving me goosebumps.
But a couple of things, First I have been on MN for many years and have seen this patten many times and have been taken in on occasions and the thread has been deleted by MN. I'm not sayining one thing or another except that I keep my guard up theses days and look out for patterns.
The second thing is the amount of advice that has been given and the OP is going ' oh, I might go back to his later'. I mean , come on, wtf!

Who the hell knows what is going on here. If it's true then I feel that it was pointless the OP asking for advice and everyone gives exactly the same advice as her friend but she refuses to accept it.

@Fluffybrain and @TheLegendofBeans you are quite right. OP is hopefully where she should be having a great night out with her friends.

Stay out and have fun, OP! And then bin off this scary man. Honestly. I, and I think a few other people on this thread, are quite upset at the thought of what you are walking into here. Your friend who had the abusive relationship is not jealous. She may sound a little excessively negative to you (she'll lose that as the years go by and she goes out with nice men again) but she knows what she's talking about. Really. This is bad. Get rid.

It's a matter of time before it's why can't I come with you which will then turn into why do you need to go out with them don't you have fun with me which will in due course why do we need to go out at all...... by which time youll be isolated from your friends and should you dare to do anything he doesn't like you will suffer emotional financial and/or physical abuse from this man.

My ex husband was also lovely when I first met him. He ended up stabbing me and 5 years on from leaving I'm now waiting on an relatively major operation to take a bone graft in order to put my collar bone back together.

PLEASE don't be another statistic.

ourmiracle
I said all that a couple of hours ago but alas the OP is going to see how it goes!

TemptressofWaikiki I was also once in an abusive relationship... When my friends highlighted red flags, I thought they were exaggerating, that he was needy because he was going through a difficult family situation, that it wasn't as bad as they thought, that I could make him like my friends, etc etc. If I could have tested him with small things like these, it would have opened my eyes early on. Sometimes you have to see for yourself but also still feel safe or know that you wouldn't spoil the relationship if you are actually just being paranoid. Small things like that help to bring out the real person, I think ... My ex even put a computer program in my laptop that mirrored my screen so he could see everything I was doing... Yet I decided to believe him and think it was just him being an immature prick when he gave me his excuses. I wish MN were around back then...

OP it's been 2 weeks, if he can't let you have a night out without him now do you think he'd let you two years from now? Do you think he'd handle a break up well? This man has abuser written all over him. & I know, I know it's nice to have attention & feel wanted & I know what it's like to be let down by guys, but this guy isn't the solution. There are guys out there who will treat you wonderfully and make you feel special & let you have your freedom. You can meet one of them. Please get rid OP.

I met someone like this in my 20's. In the first instance it was smothering and a bit annoying. After a couple of weeks I went away for the weekend a planned trip with my mum which gave me some head space. I remember so clearly being on the coach home and realising I didn't want to see him. I texted him saying it was too full on and he just flipped. It went from pleading to excessive messages then it went quiet for a couple of days and I thought he got the message. At the end of the week I went out drinking and tons of messages came through saying he was going to cut me to pieces for what I did and he knew where I lived. I was very very shaken

For your own safety please go home tonight. Or better yet your mates.