Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

New guy - am I being paranoid or are these red flags?

291 replies

m0use11 · 30/09/2017 19:15

I met a guy online two weeks ago. On our first date we seemed to click and I do really like him. Saw him again during the week and then last weekend we spent the full weekend together. I stayed over twice this week and am seeing him all this of this weekend.

It's moving quicker than previous relationships I've had and I'm feeling a bit rushed. I'm not sure if this is just a sign that there's a real connection or if I should be feeling uncomfortable? There's a couple of things that have made me a tiny bit unsure but I don't know if I'm being sill.

Tonight I'm off out for a few drinks with friends, preplanned. He was really insistent that he took me out and then that I stayed over at his rather than going back to mine later. This is nice but I now feel under a bit of pressure not to stay out late or get too drunk.

He hasn't yet been to my house and doesn't seem keen on staying round. I have a nice flat and a considerate housemate who I'm sure would go out and give us our own space, so this isn't an issue. He seems really keen for us to 'make house' - This is to the extent where he has starting washing my clothes and buying toiletries when I insisted I needed go home.

He says that all his previous exes have cheated on him or hurt him. This I can believe but I do quite often read this can be a red flag?

He was really insistent on talking about our past exes. My last boyfriend hurt me really badly and I don't want to discuss it but he kept pushing and pushing until I got upset. He apologised but I'm embarrassed.

He does seem to be available all the time. This was a bit of a refreshing change from a lot of men who tend to be busy with work, friends etc most of the weekends but he is always free.

I'm sure I'm just being silly but just wanted to get other opinions?

OP posts:
AntiHop · 30/09/2017 19:45

Go home tonight instead of his. Insist that you stay at yours next time. See how he reacts.

Applesandpears23 · 30/09/2017 19:45

Run don't walk.

Annelind · 30/09/2017 19:45

Romantic and thoughtful AGHHHHHH! No. It really really isn't. RUN!!!!!

OurMiracle1106 · 30/09/2017 19:46

It's no romantic and lovely it's controlling- he's booking things without checking your available first so you can't make plans or have to change them

A thoughtful partner would check with you first in regards to plans and if you wanted to "do something" they then might surprise with cinema: at an agreed time your already seeing them

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2017 19:46

You have received other opinions and they are the same which is very rare to see on Relationships. This individual should have you running for the hills in the opposite direction now.

No man (at least any emotionally healthy individual) would consider buying toiletries or washing clothes after only two weeks; he does because he already thinks he owns you and regards you as his property. Your boundaries in relationships as well are well off too and that is what he has also honed in on.

TinselTwins · 30/09/2017 19:47

He's not nice, he's making you chose between your other plans and him, and you're choosing him

NotTheFordType · 30/09/2017 19:48

Another thing was that he's booked tickets to see a film next week but he didn't check if I was free first. I know it's romantic and thoughtful

How is that thoughtful or considerate of you?]

Run for the fucking hills love.

MillicentFawcett · 30/09/2017 19:48

You have known this man TWO WEEKS. He is already trying to control your nights out and free time.

Run.

pudding21 · 30/09/2017 19:48

Don't go back to his tonight, have a ball with your friends. His reaction to you deciding to stay out will tell you everything.

bluit · 30/09/2017 19:49

So it's your friend who's bothered, not you?

Anniegetyourgun · 30/09/2017 19:49

Thoughtful would be asking if you wanted to even go to the cinema in the first place, and then asking if the date would be convenient. Not bloody booking it and expecting you to rearrange your life to fit round it. It is not thoughtful, however nice he may be genuinely trying to be.

Annelind · 30/09/2017 19:49

I have a horrible feeling OP is already sucked in Sad

BinG0wings123 · 30/09/2017 19:50

Two weeks?!?!

Bloody hell.

No. Just no.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2017 19:50

"Another thing was that he's booked tickets to see a film next week but he didn't check if I was free first. I know it's romantic and thoughtful but I've had to move other plans now".

Why did you think this was romantic and thoughtful; bloody hell he hit paydirt when he met, well really targeted, you didn't he?.

You moved your own plans to accommodate him and he booked a film without checking with you beforehand?. Why haven't you said no, that does not work for me?. His actions are anything but a romantic gesture on his part; his actions are all about power and control and already he wants absolute over you.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; this individual is in those pages.

SenoritaViva · 30/09/2017 19:51

After two weeks? No way, run.

Zeelove · 30/09/2017 19:51

I don't think there's anything wrong with spending a lot of time together, but the washing of the clothes and buying toiletries is WAY too much Blush

Original poster
m0use11 · 30/09/2017 19:51

My best friend just said she thought he seemed quite intense to be asking about my past so soon, I told her because I was so embarrassed about getting upset in front of him. I do feel a little bit rushed but it's been so long since I've met someone nice I don't know if this is just how all relationships start? He wants us to be 'official' and that's making me a bit uncomfortable.

OP posts:
strongasmeringue · 30/09/2017 19:51

It really isn't romantic. It's controlling..

bluit · 30/09/2017 19:53

Your best friend has your back OP.

strongasmeringue · 30/09/2017 19:53

Are you taking ANYTHING in that we are all saying?

BinG0wings123 · 30/09/2017 19:54

If you stay with him, I guarantee that you won't see your friends for very long, then maybe even your family. You won't be able to move without him wanting to know where you are every second.

This guy sounds controlling and unhinged.

Annelind · 30/09/2017 19:54

FFS! are you reading the replies OP? RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!

CJCreggsGoldfish · 30/09/2017 19:54

He's waving those flags loud and proud.

Maybe he is just being nice, but just try saying no to him. Tell him you don't want to stay over, or you're busy the night of the film next week. Does he react reasonably, or sulk, guilt trip you or make out that he 'just cares so much'.

I think you know the answer, but don't want to admit it. Keep yourself safe, and don't give too much of yourself too soon.

pestov · 30/09/2017 19:55

You know you need to bin him. If he’s able to push you to tears over an ex it’s never going to be a good relationship. It’s hard to dump someone you fancy but it must be done!

BinG0wings123 · 30/09/2017 19:55

And it's usually how abusive relationships start (been there, got the t shirt)