New guy - am I being paranoid or are these red flags?

[m0use11]

I met a guy online two weeks ago. On our first date we seemed to click and I do really like him. Saw him again during the week and then last weekend we spent the full weekend together. I stayed over twice this week and am seeing him all this of this weekend.

It's moving quicker than previous relationships I've had and I'm feeling a bit rushed. I'm not sure if this is just a sign that there's a real connection or if I should be feeling uncomfortable? There's a couple of things that have made me a tiny bit unsure but I don't know if I'm being sill.

Tonight I'm off out for a few drinks with friends, preplanned. He was really insistent that he took me out and then that I stayed over at his rather than going back to mine later. This is nice but I now feel under a bit of pressure not to stay out late or get too drunk.

He hasn't yet been to my house and doesn't seem keen on staying round. I have a nice flat and a considerate housemate who I'm sure would go out and give us our own space, so this isn't an issue. He seems really keen for us to 'make house' - This is to the extent where he has starting washing my clothes and buying toiletries when I insisted I needed go home.

He says that all his previous exes have cheated on him or hurt him. This I can believe but I do quite often read this can be a red flag?

He was really insistent on talking about our past exes. My last boyfriend hurt me really badly and I don't want to discuss it but he kept pushing and pushing until I got upset. He apologised but I'm embarrassed.

He does seem to be available all the time. This was a bit of a refreshing change from a lot of men who tend to be busy with work, friends etc most of the weekends but he is always free.

I'm sure I'm just being silly but just wanted to get other opinions?

Wow op you were allowed a whole hour on your own with your friends.

He doesn't have any friends does he.

Urgh

OP - please do not be blinded by how lovely he is to you, how much you fancy him, how great the sex is or anything else to what he is doing to you.
Get those boundaries in place and if he can't respect them he is not the man for you.

This is horrid to read

Isn’t it awful. Just so so sad. OP please listen. You are worth so much more. In my experience it’s very rare that you will get the entire MN community united. We are all different, we all have different life experiences but we are all screaming at you here. We all give advice, all varied, some we follow, some not. But I’ve never seen such a unanimous thread from so many different people. Stop and think, please

You can lead a horse to water...

So much great advice from pp. OP you’re being rather ungrateful and rude to dismiss it.

She hasn't dismissed it. She's said she trying to get her head around it.

I hope she hasn't dismissed it, I really do. The red flags are flying high all over the place here.

I understand why pp are so passionate with their advice for op to get away from this guy. You've been there as have I and know where it leads. But by berating, laying blame on, and belittling the op you are not helping her. You're in danger of scaring her away from seeking advice and support from Mumsnet . If he's going to isolate her from her friends and family then she's going to need mumsnet. Putting her down is not going to build up her self worth really is it?

OP I think you are doing ok. Keeping reading about red flags. Keep reflecting on his behaviour. Someone suggested that you try saying no to him about meeting up. Try it and see how he reacts both at the time and afterwards. Usually at the start they are lovely and then after a while start to make little criticisms of you and the things you like. Usually they will do this in a jokey way to begin with. It's little ways of undermining you and making you question yourself. Look out for those things.

#InDenial

She’s not obliged to be grateful for this advice or to follow it, as frustrating and infuriating as that is.

So he allowed you an hour with your mates before whisking you away? Run, OP, run.

The hills are that way ---->

Bloody hell.

I know there's not much point saying this as its just the same as everyone else has already said but he's massively controlling and if you carry on it will last to am emotionally abusive relationship.

He's already starting to control your every step to isolate you from your friends.

He's jealous.

FFS. I meant to write he's dangerous, not jealous

Ignore Shouldaknownbetter. if you do want to come back and ask for help, then do. Posters don't turn others away.

I didn't mean to say the OP couldn't come back in the future - of course she can. Just that if she comes back asking how she ended up in an EA relationship in a few months she should not be too surprised given the advice she has got here.

Hope you can open your eyes to what has been said on this thread OP.

There's an astounding amount of arrogance and judgement and yes, victim blaming on this thread.

So the OP hasn't immediately said "oh, you're all so right, of course he's controlling, I will end the relationship immediately. How many of those talking of their own experiences would have ended the relationship if you'd been told to do so before the real control emerged? Not many I'd like to bet.

The problem with relationships like this is that if you're not used to being treated well then it's easy to misconstrue over-involvement in your life at an early stage and constant attention as them wanting to be with you, someone seeing you differently for once rather than having to beg for their attention which so many previous relationships may have reflected.

As for telling the OP not to be surprised if she's in an abusive relationship in months to come, that is astonishing victim blaming there and I hate hate hate the term. I'm sure a fair few people on this thread were warned that their new lovely over-invested partners seemed a bit too controlling and didn't pay heed. How many of those people should be blamed for then ending up in abusive relationships for not paying attention to what their friends said?

There is absolutely no doubt that the bloke sounds like bad news, over controlling and that the OP should pay attention to her gut feelings that all really isn't well. But all we can do here is to keep telling her that. That she's obviously had these feelings and needs to ask herself why, if she believes him to be so lovely, is she uncomfortable with being controlled in this manner. Because she feels deep down that it's wrong so needs to look at what it is that would confirm for her once and for all that actually, this is about control rather than romance....

Oh dear . OP you really don't need to keep "looking for signs". They're already there, with flashing lights and bells on. Posters were spot on in predicting that he'd try to sabotage your night with friends, and in spite of all the warnings and advice about seeing how he responded to boundaries, you let him do it.

You've had some excellent advice about YOU taking control of your sexual health and contraception while you figure this out for yourself. Keep reading this thread and remember that many of the posters here are recognising your situation from their own dreadful experiences. I hope you can stay safe and realise there's far better men out there for you

I absolutely do think the OP needs to wake up and take responsibility for her actions and choices. Otherwise we are all automatons in this life with no control over what happens to us. Maybe some people are like that. But I don't think it's inevitable.

This threads always descend into victim blaming accusations.

It's a shame as it detracts from the real issue - which is that the OP has the option to listen to and take heed of the advice given. Accusing other posters of 'victim blaming' may, just may, make her think she's justified in staying with this guy. And that would be the real shame.

Wonder how he'd have been today if you had refused to tell him where you and your girlfriends were because it was your night? But you're not going to find out because all the attention (from him and us) seems irresistible to you. Shame.

@m0use11 You know he didn't have any friends to meet out don't you??

As everyone else has already said he sounds far too intense. If you aren't willing to end this now then please keep him at arms length until you know him more. No sleepovers, no letting him make plans which you have to move things around for. Be aloof and don't get emotionally invested in this yet. He'll show his true colours soon.

not to be surprised if she's in an abusive relationship in months to come, that is astonishing victim blaming there

Not really. The signs of an abuser are there, op knows they are there, she is choosing to ignore them. So she shouldn’t be surprised when he ramps it up in the future. I really don’t see fair warning as victim blaming. Saying ‘she only has herself to blame’ is victim blaming, but saying ‘she shouldn’t be surprised’ is just pointing out the obvious

Careful should and pinkhirse
You'll get yourselves deleted with that kind of talk!
Of course there were people who had their suspicions on Saturday night but the saga continued.

The Op, real or otherwise, was advised by many to do one simple thing and that was to carry on with her evening as planned. To see her friends and say that she was happy to be with them and to see what his reaction was going to be when she said 'no' to him. It would have told her everything she needed to know.
Instead the OP allegedly dumps her friends after 1 hour and goes running into his arms because none of his supposed friends turned up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, as I said the other night, you can't help those that won't help themselves.

Don't forget we are not talking about a long term relationship here. It's been 2 weeks! I've got yogurt in the fridge older than that at the moment! The Op is not trapped and doesn't know what to do.
Victim blaming my arse!