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Original poster

New guy - am I being paranoid or are these red flags?

291 replies

m0use11 · 30/09/2017 19:15

I met a guy online two weeks ago. On our first date we seemed to click and I do really like him. Saw him again during the week and then last weekend we spent the full weekend together. I stayed over twice this week and am seeing him all this of this weekend.

It's moving quicker than previous relationships I've had and I'm feeling a bit rushed. I'm not sure if this is just a sign that there's a real connection or if I should be feeling uncomfortable? There's a couple of things that have made me a tiny bit unsure but I don't know if I'm being sill.

Tonight I'm off out for a few drinks with friends, preplanned. He was really insistent that he took me out and then that I stayed over at his rather than going back to mine later. This is nice but I now feel under a bit of pressure not to stay out late or get too drunk.

He hasn't yet been to my house and doesn't seem keen on staying round. I have a nice flat and a considerate housemate who I'm sure would go out and give us our own space, so this isn't an issue. He seems really keen for us to 'make house' - This is to the extent where he has starting washing my clothes and buying toiletries when I insisted I needed go home.

He says that all his previous exes have cheated on him or hurt him. This I can believe but I do quite often read this can be a red flag?

He was really insistent on talking about our past exes. My last boyfriend hurt me really badly and I don't want to discuss it but he kept pushing and pushing until I got upset. He apologised but I'm embarrassed.

He does seem to be available all the time. This was a bit of a refreshing change from a lot of men who tend to be busy with work, friends etc most of the weekends but he is always free.

I'm sure I'm just being silly but just wanted to get other opinions?

OP posts:
MrsA2015 · 30/09/2017 19:55

Run.

Happinesssssss · 30/09/2017 19:55

It's ridiculous. Why can't you just go out with your friends tonight and do your own thing? You know he wants to take you there and for you to go back to his so he knows where you are don't you?

And the always being available reminds me of a a controlling ex. He had no one else in his life as he was actually not a very nice person. He spent much of his time hanging around waiting for me to finish work. It was stifling.

TinselTwins · 30/09/2017 19:55

I've been married forever and even my Dh who has access to my work Rota for childcare purposes wouldn't book something without asking me if I had plans. That would be so disrespectful, it's basically saying that your life/interests/friends are unimportant and trivial. Nothing nice or romantic or normal about that at all

Original poster
m0use11 · 30/09/2017 19:56

My best friend has been in an abusive relationship a long time ago but she is very picky now with men. This makes me think she's comparing this to her bad past and maybe clouding my judgement.

I am taking on board the advice. He seemed upset when I said it was too soon to make anything 'official' but that I wasn't dating anyone else.

I might stay out late tonight and see what happens.

OP posts:
Theycalledmethewildrose · 30/09/2017 19:57

Nice is sending you a text saying he is missing you and hopes you are having a lovely night out with your friends. Not driving you there and picking you up to take you back to his house. Back away fast!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2017 19:57

"I do feel a little bit rushed but it's been so long since I've met someone nice I don't know if this is just how all relationships start?"

This is really how controlling relationships do start; its the quick attachment followed by the love bombing. ALL his actions here are red flags and your friend is right to be concerned; she is not jealous at all.

You feel rushed here because you are indeed being rushed along and he wants you and he to be "official" as well. This is red flag abuser 101 stuff here.

May I ask how old you are?. How long has it been since you have actually met someone nice?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What has your own relationship history been like to date?. If it has been one disasterous bloke after another then you would be better off not dating at all until you have your own issues properly sorted and through counselling if necessary.

SuperSkyRocketing · 30/09/2017 20:00

Your friend is bang on. Take her advice and all the advice on here otherwise why bother asking for it?! People on here have been exactly where you are, and everyone without exception is telling you to run a mile. This man is not romantic, he's scarily controlling.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 30/09/2017 20:00

Well, don't say you weren't warned.
He couldn't be waving those flags anymore brightly if he tried.
All controlling men seem nice at first, that's how women end up trapped with them.

bobs123 · 30/09/2017 20:01

OP all the advice on here has been consistent. Everyone had your best interests at heart. You need to regain control, not hand it over to him - unless you actually want to. You dictate how you live your life, when you see your friends and for how long. So you do what you want to do, and he, with all his free time, can fit round you.

Please, please listen

Aminuts23 · 30/09/2017 20:02

Go home after your night out OP. Go home. Your friend is absolutely spot on. Please listen

Original poster
m0use11 · 30/09/2017 20:02

I'm 23. I haven't had many relationships, when I meet men they seem to let me down and I've been hurt a lot.

OP posts:
chajazam · 30/09/2017 20:02

Seems like you'll stay with him as you're enjoying the attention after some crap experiences. I wouldn't but- one bit of advice is do not give him any more information about you. No insecurities, no big fears or doubts, nothing too personal. You should walk away but if you're not ready don't give him the map to your mind and don't take on any of his issues. They are not your problem and may not even be true.

Aminuts23 · 30/09/2017 20:03

You’re going to get hurt here, this is NOT healthy at all

MadgeMak · 30/09/2017 20:05

Red flags all over the shop. You seem determined to ignore them though.

TinselTwins · 30/09/2017 20:05

Oh dear OP, staying out late BEFORE HE PICKS YOU UP is not the same as saying no to him. If he's nice he will just suggest a plan B "how about thursday".

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 30/09/2017 20:06

This is a horror story of controlling suffocating behaviour waiting to unfold. Your friend is bang on. Your story is one of a fucked up life (yours) waiting to happen. What's the betting he wants you pregnant and tied to him and dependent on him before you can blink 'because he loves you SOOO much and you're THE one'?

Don't let your dreams and fantasies write the happy ending when there really isn't one. Run for the hills OP otherwise your posts in a year's time will truly be heartbreaking.

notacooldad · 30/09/2017 20:07

Imight stay out late tonight and see what happens.

We may as well all pack up and go home now if that is how lame you are going to be!
You have the perfect opportunity to set boundaries ( if you are not going to run) or a chance to see how he reacts when you make your own choices but instead you just might go home

You can't help those that won't help themselves.

Annelind · 30/09/2017 20:07

So so vulnerable...which of course this guy picked up on. That's why he demanded info about your exes. OP please listen to your instincts, your friend and the posters here

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2017 20:09

Mouse

re your comment:-
"I haven't had many relationships, when I meet men they seem to let me down and I've been hurt a lot".

Thought so, that is solely why I asked you those questions. This individual will hurt you if you remain involved with him. Your boundaries in relationships are blurred also because of what has happened to you and these need to be reset properly. Dating this man won't help you; he has simply latched onto your insecurities and has decided to run with them. He really did target you.

Look at what you have learnt about relationships to date, unlearn the crap you have learnt to date through counselling and love your own self for a change. You will thank your own self in future for having done those things.

Happinesssssss · 30/09/2017 20:09

Just say, second thoughts, I think I'll go back to my place tonight after all, see you tomoz.

Bet he doesn't like it.

Branleuse · 30/09/2017 20:10

theres a spark because hes princessing you. Of course its lovely at first, but he doesnt know you and you dont know him. He is moving far too fast.

Has he just come out of a long term relationship?

MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2017 20:12

He is a controller. There is no doubt. He doesn't even need to know your plans when you are not seeing him at this stage.

Tell him you at going home tonight, and do it. Why not? If everybody on here is wrong about him there will be no issue, and he'll be relaxed about it. If not ....

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 30/09/2017 20:14

After 2 weeks, the only response to the other person having a night out with friends is "have a great time!"

And true romance is taking the time to know and understand the other person and doing things for them for the sole reason of making them happy. This guy is trying to control you and your time.

Breezy1985 · 30/09/2017 20:14

This reminds me so much of my ex, don't make the mistake I made, run and don't look back, it will not end well.
Enjoy the night with your friends, don't go back to his.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/09/2017 20:16

Your friend sounds smart and with her head screwed on. Please listen to her if you won't listen to us.

Just text him and say, do you know what, I'm going to drop by friend's first then go home tonight. Have a great night, really looking forward to catching up next week xxx

Then see what happens.