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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He had sex with me without a condom and I didn't know

158 replies

Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 08:51

I've recently been struggling with my mental health and have spent a week straight at home alone as I have been signed off from work.

A guy I was dating for a few weeks last year recently got in touch and asked if I wanted to go over to his last night. From what I can remember he was a sweet guy but things just fizzled out. I really wanted some company so I told him that I wasn't feeling that great and might not be the best company but decided to go anyway. I really just wanted to have a chat with someone familiar and take my mind off things for a while and also just lie next to someone.

He started to kiss me which I went along with but then he tried to initiate sex. I explained I am on tablets that make me not want to have sex (it was an excuse really to get out of it) but he was so persistent that I felt at the time it would be easier to just let him and then I could sleep. We had sex with a condom and I explicitly explained that I had just had my coil removed so to not come near me without one.

After that, I tried to go to sleep but he tried to initiate sex again by rubbing himself on me while my back was turned and he put a condom on. I told him I didn't want sex so he just carried on wanking and rubbing himself on me from behind. I just lay there hoping he would finish himself off and I could sleep but then he put it inside and at this point I just wanted him to finish.

It only lasted a few seconds and he pulled out to cum but when I felt the cum I realised he wasn't wearing a condom. I left as soon as I woke up this morning and he has been texting saying sorry.

I'm so angry that he not only pressured me into having sex but now I have to go through all the embarrassment of finding somewhere open today that sells the morning after pill.

I just feel used and disgusting and my anxiety is through the roof now! I can't believe I let this happen and that my judgement of people is so poor. I know I should have been firmer about saying no and just left his house but I really hate conflict and felt quite vulnerable last night.

I feel 100 times worse and should have just stayed at home where I know I am safe.

I guess I just needed to vent here as I do t have anyone I can talk to about this IRL.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 30/09/2017 08:55

The fault is 100% his, and 0% yours.

Block him in every way. Learn from this and create boundaries for yourself in your own mind.

That was an awful experience and I'm so sorry it happened to you.

Silver47 · 30/09/2017 08:57

report him to the police for rape

0ccamsRazor · 30/09/2017 08:58

Op he raped you.

Once you have sorted out the morning after pill, block him from contacting you and enroll to do the 'freedom program'.

Have you thought about speaking to the police? It may be that you don't wish to take further action, but what he did is a crime against you.

OnTheRise · 30/09/2017 09:00

That's rape.

Don't just block him. Report him to the police.

I'm so sorry.

Original poster

Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 09:03

I don't want to report him for rape because when he put it inside, I let him. I didn't push him off me as at this point I just wanted him to finish.

OP posts:

debbs77 · 30/09/2017 09:04

Sending huge hugs. That sounds really crap. I agree with reporting him xx

AdoraBell · 30/09/2017 09:08

You let him because he coerced you. It wasn't what you wanted and he knew that. He carried on. That was him, not you.

MarklahMarklah · 30/09/2017 09:10

You consented to sex WITH a condom. He didn't use one. That therefore was not consent.
However, the lines around such incidents are still blurred for many, and given your mental health at present, I can understand why you say what you do about the situation.
First and foremost is making sure you don't have an STD and are not pregnant. Once you've dealt with that, you can decide what is best for you to do next.
One thing to bear in mind though is that he has fully taken advantage of you when you were extremely vulnerable. Is it likely he could do this to someone else?

Original poster

Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 09:21

Yes I agree he coerced me and didn't give a shit whether I wanted to or not. I don't understand how someone can get off one wanking over someone who is just lying there.

I think I am going to try and order the morning after pill online because I can't face walking into a pharmacy and being judged.

I feel so stupid for letting this happen

OP posts:

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 09:25

This is wrong on every level OP.

I think it needs reporting. But I agree with the pp about the blurred lines.

However, letting him have sex with you so could sleep etc. You clearly didn't want it and went along for an easy life... he's manipulated that. He should have listened when you said you didn't want to because of your tablets etc. I am really sorry this has happened to you.

You need to get the morning after pill and an std check for sure.

TheStoic · 30/09/2017 09:31

You didn't let it happen. You didn't even know it WAS happening.

Original poster

Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 09:31

I guess there is a chance he might do it again Marklah. Believe it or not he volunteers for victim support. I don't think it was rape but I agree he took advantage of the situation. I don't think reporting him would achieve anything though as it would be my word against his and I honestly can't face any of that

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/09/2017 09:32

He knows he did something wrong or he wouldn't be testing "sorry".

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 30/09/2017 09:38

Believe it or not he volunteers for victim support.

Please report him. I know it's hard, but he has access to a lot of vulnerable women.

Also, please believe me that no pharmacist will judge you for buying a morning after pill. They see it ALL the time and will assume it was a contraception failure rather than you frolicking around having unprotected sex (if that's what you're worried about them judging you for!)

yorkshireyummymummy · 30/09/2017 09:43

I dont think people do judge for getting the morning after pill.
It's shows that you are taking contraception seriously.
If you get it straight away it will ease your anxiety of pregnancy.
This man is an abusing bastard.
Personally, I would write him a bitter message telling him that you did NOT give consent to sex without a condom and even though you had told him you didn't want to he STILL DID IT. This makes him- in they eyes of the law and humans- a vile rapist. Does he realise that? That he is a rapist? Tell him to tell his friends and his mum that he had sex with a mentally vulnerable woman who had said no and that he put his cock into her without a condom when she had told him no. Ask him to ask his mum if this is rape. I would end the message by telling him that if he ever comes near you again you will shout ' rapist' at the top of your voice. He won't ever come near you again. Then block him on every level to not give him the right to reply. Having the last word brings satisfaction.
Then have a nice bath, a good cry and snuggle on your sofa with your teddy, box of chocolates ( buy them when you are out getting the MAP) and watch your fave movies.
Then, learn from this experience. But put it to rest and move on. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's his fault. You are vulnerable. But promise yourself that you will not put yourself in a position again where this could happen. If you need to talk to someone in future then stay at home and call the Samaritans. They listen, they are non judgemental and they don't try to have unwanted sex with you.
Good luck and don't let this horrible man intrude in your life ever again.

Ifonlylifewasimple · 30/09/2017 09:45

He behaved appallingly OP.

Please don't blame yourself. You're at a low ebb at the moment and needed company and someone to talk to and he was a familiar face and you remembered him as being a nice guy. A nice guy may still have tried to initiate sex but wouldn't have pressured you and definitely wouldn't have behaved the way he did.

Most importantly, get the morning after pill, Asda is the cheapest around £14.

Next, block him on your phone and don't respond to any of his pathetic sorry messages.

I'm not going to suggest you report him because it will be a case of your word against his and the most important thing here is you and your mental health.

Look after yourself x

zippydoodaar · 30/09/2017 09:47

Don't be too hard on yourself. You misjudged the situation and he took advantage of you. What he did was wrong and you would be well within your rights to report. You have to do whatever is right for you.

Whizz down the pharmacy this morning and get a morning after pill. You're in a long term relationship and the condom split last night is all they need to know.

Arrange to meet men somewhere central and don't agree to go home with them/invite them to your place unless you are sure you want to hop into bed with them. This avoids doing anything you may later regret.

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. Try and organise something nice to do over the next day or so to take your mind off it.

Ifonlylifewasimple · 30/09/2017 09:47

I've just read he volunteers for Victim Support!! Wow. That puts a different slant on this. I would be tempted to report him because he has access to vulnerable women.

filou87 · 30/09/2017 09:49

He raped you, you need to go to the police. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Tameagobairanois · 30/09/2017 09:50

horrible man.

category12 · 30/09/2017 09:52

Did you meet him through his victim support work originally?

Tameagobairanois · 30/09/2017 09:55

He volunteers for a victim support group.
That changes every thing. what a wolf in sheeps clothing. Very dangerous. I think you should do something.

Not sure what but take legal advice on that. x

Changerofname987654321 · 30/09/2017 10:02

I am sorry this has happened to you. It is rape and definitely not your fault at all.

You really do need to seek medical help for the morning after pill and a screening for STIs. It is up to you if you want to contact the police.

Do you have any one in rl you can speak to? If you are ok with contacting the police then specialist trained officers would speak to you and sort out the medical stuff.

No one at the chemist would judge you if you said you needed the morning after pill.

Original poster

Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 10:04

No I didn't meet him through Victim Support. I could alert the organisation but then I guess without a police report then they wouldn't be able to do anything. I know it's incredibly selfish but I just can't go to the police. I know nothing will happen and would probably have to have a rape test etc which would be negative because the first time he used a condom and the second time he pulled out.

He is disgusting though. He kept saying 'how can you expect me to not want it with you lying there next to me, I'm a man!!' I knew at that point he wasn't going to give up until I agreed.

OP posts:

junglebookisthebest · 30/09/2017 10:04

I'm sure I remember that the morning after pill is more effective and reliable the sooner you take it. Please go and get it this morning rather than wait for an online delivery.
Really sorry this happened to you - you were vulnerable and he took advantage. It was rape - you don't have to go to police if you don't want to.
In my head I can empathise with just getting on with your own life and not wanting to do anything more with the police because I wouldn't care enough about myself but because of his position I would worry about him carrying on and would be in two minds if I could stop him by reporting it

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