He had sex with me without a condom and I didn't know

[Beansandqueens]

I've recently been struggling with my mental health and have spent a week straight at home alone as I have been signed off from work.

A guy I was dating for a few weeks last year recently got in touch and asked if I wanted to go over to his last night. From what I can remember he was a sweet guy but things just fizzled out. I really wanted some company so I told him that I wasn't feeling that great and might not be the best company but decided to go anyway. I really just wanted to have a chat with someone familiar and take my mind off things for a while and also just lie next to someone.

He started to kiss me which I went along with but then he tried to initiate sex. I explained I am on tablets that make me not want to have sex (it was an excuse really to get out of it) but he was so persistent that I felt at the time it would be easier to just let him and then I could sleep. We had sex with a condom and I explicitly explained that I had just had my coil removed so to not come near me without one.

After that, I tried to go to sleep but he tried to initiate sex again by rubbing himself on me while my back was turned and he put a condom on. I told him I didn't want sex so he just carried on wanking and rubbing himself on me from behind. I just lay there hoping he would finish himself off and I could sleep but then he put it inside and at this point I just wanted him to finish.

It only lasted a few seconds and he pulled out to cum but when I felt the cum I realised he wasn't wearing a condom. I left as soon as I woke up this morning and he has been texting saying sorry.

I'm so angry that he not only pressured me into having sex but now I have to go through all the embarrassment of finding somewhere open today that sells the morning after pill.

I just feel used and disgusting and my anxiety is through the roof now! I can't believe I let this happen and that my judgement of people is so poor. I know I should have been firmer about saying no and just left his house but I really hate conflict and felt quite vulnerable last night.

I feel 100 times worse and should have just stayed at home where I know I am safe.

I guess I just needed to vent here as I do t have anyone I can talk to about this IRL.

Make sure you mention that slap in your interview and statement.
He was basically coercing you, putting pressure on you, he knew he was putting you between a rock and a hard place.

As for getting up and walking away.....as a woman i trust my intuition/instinct far more than the 'official line'.
Sometimes, it simply isn't safe for us to just 'get up and walk away' or 'get on the phone'.
Either of these acts could trigger them into escalating the tone and type of violence needed to subdue/overpower us.

There's a brilliant book i read, it's called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.
I cried when i read it, that's how validated i felt by what i read.

It's known as Stealthing. It's a sexual offence, like rape is. Hugs.

OP I just want to give you a virtual hug. In 2006 I found myself in a SARC with a similarly disgusting officer who tried all night to convince me I hadn't been raped despite me flinching when the male doctor swabbed the side of my face let alone anything else! If you ever find the strength please complain about the police woman, I really wish I had. I'm horrified to find out that it's STILL happening 11 years down the line x

After the video statement it is likely it will go very quiet for months. You will feel safer because he will likely have been bailed with a warning to stay away from you or he could be arrested for witness intimidation.

And I just want to add that fear responses aren’t limited to fight and flight...

They also include freezing and pleasing. The latter is very common for people who have previously experienced abuse and it can make it very difficult to explain to others.

I most frequently freeze and please as it happens. When I freeze I feel almost dissociated from the world when I am in that state, it’s hard to explain, my heart beats fast, I hear and see and feel things around me but it feels like I can’t understand or process them, it is like my brain just stops functioning, often I cannot speak or think.

When I please it feels like I am existing only in the immediate present and I hear myself talking in my mind, almost self soothing, about what I need to do/say to get the person to feel nice about me, what they are thinking, why they are scaring me and how I can give them what’s necessary to stop them scaring me, how I can get away if I really need to, whether they are likely to respond badly to that. This is like a state of hyperarousal/hypervigilance and i’ve found that I also remember things clearly with pictures and sounds in my mind afterwards.

Offred, I can totally identify with the freeze and please. When he was trying the first time, he kept putting his hands down my pants and trying to put my hands on him (I was fully clothed when we got into bed) and I kept removing them and saying 'I just want to get to know each other without sex', 'my tablets make me not want sex' etc as I was trying not to make him angry.

I 'joked' about him harassing me and he got really cross and said how can I say that when he helps people who are being harassed (I guess making reference to the victim support work). I quickly said I didn't mean it like that. I was trying to please him as I felt things would escalate if I didn't (even though I wasn't consciously aware that that is what I was doing). I had sex with him to stop him from raping me. I knew his mind was made up that we were having sex and it was better to comply than the be physically forced.

The second time i just froze and it was over before i could really process what had just happened. Im so sorry others have been through this but it helps to know my reaction was normal to the situation. The SARC gave me an aftercare booklet that describes the different responses to fear and mentioned freezing, flopping and befriending as normal human instinct to threat. Your brain makes up it's mind in milliseconds how it will respond, it's not something you can think through at the time.

I’m really glad talking on here is helping and that the SARC were so good.

I have found it very helpful to go through with reporting and supporting the investigation. It feels like I am standing up for myself and also a bit like I have taken all that weight of the horrible stuff off my shoulders and handed it to the police/cps/courts to wade through so i’m left carrying the much lighter and more manageable load.

I think the police taking it seriously and investigating is the main thing because it helps me remember it is real and that he did do bad things.

I had a time where he was in my head on repeat for months telling me ‘why are you doing this? You are making it up because you are crazy’

So glad you have reported it OP, well done.

Reading this thread makes me realise that I am a victim of 'stealthing' from an ex boyfriend many years ago. I was so confused and upset at the time but told myself that as I was in a relationship it wasn't wrong.

I'm so sorry that he did this to you. Hugs.xxxxx

Please consider making an official complaint about the first police officers actions. I say this as a police officer myself. I'm ashamed to say I can fully believe this may have occurred but am disgusted that the odd bad egg can give all of us a bad name. And I also want to say, you write so articulately on here, when you do your interview try and give the same level of detail, literally every single tiny thing that happened from beginning to end. No bit of information is irrelevant. If you can manage to (and it may take more than one interview, ask for breaks, take your Time, show your emotions, but work through it all) then you will show yourself to be a credible witness and this is one of the things we need to consider when pushing a case like this to court as so often the victims evidence is the bulk of the prosecution evidence so it needs to be quality. Please also disclose this thread to the police as supporting evidence. Another sneaky (( hug )) while no-one is looking...!!

I'm so sorry to read this and am angry on your behalf about the police offer and her trying to minimise this. Please ask for someone else to deal with. What she has said is not helpful.

I'm so sorry about the police response. But your subsequent posts don't leave mich room for interpretation - he raped you. Please give all these details in your video evidence. Keep posting here, we're all listening and we believe you.

Desmo, in the statement yesterday that I signed the policewoman wrote the first time was consensual and didn't mention the face grabbing. Will this go against me in my video statement? (I did tell her about it but because she was being dismissive, I just agreed).

They want me to come in today to do the interview but I can't get hold of the ISVAS lady to confirm. I haven't sorted out transferring my number to a new SIM yet as I'm paying £50 a month for a phone contract so need to get a new SIM before they take my phone. Will they demand to take it today?

Also, I went to Amsterdam recently and make reference to smoking weed and made reference to the guy about getting high. Nervous about all this too as I don't know what the police will say. I've never bought it in my life apart from Amsterdam but I have smoked it before.

I feel like I'm the one who has done something wrong.

They won't give a monkey's about the weed, I promise. Your video interview is considered your formal statement. If you want, you could even mention the first police officer saying that and what you told her/what she wrote down in your video interview.

Well done, reporting. Stay brave.

OP, imagine your video interview as your actual interview/statement.
Imagine you haven't already made a statement and then tell them every little detail, every thought you had, every sensation/emotion you felt.

When they ask you why this account differed from before, be honest.
Tell them that as the police officer said it was 'consensual', and you were still in shock yourself and on auto-pilot, you just accepted this without thinking.
Now, you've calmed down, you've recalled in detail what happened....and you disagree that the first time was consensual.

Show them the info leaflet.
Don't assume that they'll know about 'stealthing'.

The ISVAS wasn't able to come with me yesterday so I asked the police if I could give the video statement on Monday when the ISVAS was free. They agreed but were annoyed and asked me why I wouldn't get it over and done with and I mentioned the police officer minimising it all the first time. She did apologise and said it would be her doing my interview on Monday and the ISVAS said she is going to complain on my behalf.

I have very mixed emotions today about going through with this. I'm questioning myself. Why didn't I leave? Why didn't I shout? Is this really bad enough to put someone else in prison for years? It wasn't violent and I know other women go through so much worse.

Victim Support rang yesterday and said my story checks out (I.e he had told me about the case he was working on and it matched what I said). They said he's been suspended from post but can they tell him it was me that called. I said no and to just wait for the police to arrest him.

I really don't want to do any of this

No real advice for you but I do feel you're being so brave and it is definitely the right thing to do for your peace of mind.
It's a shame the same police officer will be interviewing you as she appears to have a skewed idea of coercion. Will the ISVAS woman be sat with you while you do the interview for support? Will you be able to speak to her beforehand?

You're being incredibly brave op. Well done.

What has helped me is seeing it this way;

I am not ‘putting someone in prison for years’. I am reporting what happened to the police. It is the police’s job to investigate, to present evidence to the CPS. It is the CPS’ job to decide whether charges are brought. If it goes to court then it will be the court’s job to hear the evidence and the jury will decide on conviction, then the judge will decide the sentence.

None of that is in my control. I have simply made a report.

Actually this is the most fair way of dealing with this.

As for this; Why didn't I leave? Why didn't I shout?

You already know, because when you felt threatened your brain decided the way to keep you safe was not to do all the above.

I'm sorry you'll have this hanging over you all weekend now and I hope the weekend passes easily for you. Do you have any support this weekend? Have you talked to any friends?

Please don't beat yourself up with 'why didn't I do this' or 'why didn't I do that'. You said no, repeatedly. That's all you had to do. He's the one who refused to listen, coerced you into sex and later actually raped you.

Offred, that is very, very good advice.

Beans is not responsible for what happens to this man. As you say, she has reported an incident to the relevant authorities. What they chose to do is then up them. What happens afterward will be up to the CPS, jury and judge, not the OP.

I am so sorry you have been through this, OP. You are very brave for reporting--I know it must be incredibly hard, but you are doing the right thing. It is chilling to know he had access to vulnerable women through his work.

Life, the ISVAS woman is picking me up from home and coming to the station but she won't be allowed to sit in the interview room with me. What I wrote was confusing, the police officer who rang me will be doing the interview, not the first police officer who came out so in hoping she'll be less dismissive.

Thanks Offred, it is a helpful way to look at it. He was in the wrong and all I am doing is telling the police what happened that night. There was a thread on here last night about someone saying their friend had been accused of rape and they beleieved he was innocent. Just reading the comments made me think why the he'll did I report this. The police don't believe me and it's unlikely he will get convicted and people see a not guilty verdict as a false alligation. I can see why so many women don't report this as even the police don't see the first time as coercion.

I have a friend coming over tonight who has offered to come to the police station with me on Monday but I'm still nervous about it all. I'm worried the police won't be able to retrieve the massages on my phone and I know it looks so dodgy that I deleted them.