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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He had sex with me without a condom and I didn't know

158 replies

Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 08:51

I've recently been struggling with my mental health and have spent a week straight at home alone as I have been signed off from work.

A guy I was dating for a few weeks last year recently got in touch and asked if I wanted to go over to his last night. From what I can remember he was a sweet guy but things just fizzled out. I really wanted some company so I told him that I wasn't feeling that great and might not be the best company but decided to go anyway. I really just wanted to have a chat with someone familiar and take my mind off things for a while and also just lie next to someone.

He started to kiss me which I went along with but then he tried to initiate sex. I explained I am on tablets that make me not want to have sex (it was an excuse really to get out of it) but he was so persistent that I felt at the time it would be easier to just let him and then I could sleep. We had sex with a condom and I explicitly explained that I had just had my coil removed so to not come near me without one.

After that, I tried to go to sleep but he tried to initiate sex again by rubbing himself on me while my back was turned and he put a condom on. I told him I didn't want sex so he just carried on wanking and rubbing himself on me from behind. I just lay there hoping he would finish himself off and I could sleep but then he put it inside and at this point I just wanted him to finish.

It only lasted a few seconds and he pulled out to cum but when I felt the cum I realised he wasn't wearing a condom. I left as soon as I woke up this morning and he has been texting saying sorry.

I'm so angry that he not only pressured me into having sex but now I have to go through all the embarrassment of finding somewhere open today that sells the morning after pill.

I just feel used and disgusting and my anxiety is through the roof now! I can't believe I let this happen and that my judgement of people is so poor. I know I should have been firmer about saying no and just left his house but I really hate conflict and felt quite vulnerable last night.

I feel 100 times worse and should have just stayed at home where I know I am safe.

I guess I just needed to vent here as I do t have anyone I can talk to about this IRL.

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 30/09/2017 19:16

You consented to sex with a condom. No condom, no consent. It's rape.

Something very similar happened to me. It wasn't my fault and this certainly isn't yours.

Although this man richly deserves to be held responsible for his actions, please don't feel you have a duty to report him. Your first duty should be to yourself. Do whatever will make you feel better. Flowers

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 30/09/2017 19:58

I think you should also make an appt to get tested for STIs too op.

Please don't blame yourself for anything this shit head has done. He called out of the blue to basically get what he wanted, you were feeling vulnerable, it's not your fault and we all believe you didn't consent to this.

Flowers
Original poster
Beansandqueens · 01/10/2017 09:46

I just wanted to thank everyone for being so supportive yesterday when I was really upset.

I'm so sorry to hear other people have been through similar. I know I shouldn't generalise about men but this has really put me off ever dating again. I felt like a used wank sock yesterday and I never want to feel that way again.

I probably do need to do the freedom programme as my ex was abusive which is why I think I shut down in situations I find difficult and just give in to avoid conflict.

I didn't get the MAP yesterday, I'm waiting until Monday but I will go to the GUM clinic too.

Flowers
OP posts:
MarklahMarklah · 01/10/2017 10:46

Just to reiterate what many posters have said, look after yourself first.
However, it worries me that he works in victim support. This combined with his coercion of you, raises red flags.

JulietNeverMetRomeo · 01/10/2017 14:32

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to? Please contact Rape Crisis for support and information. This was rape 100%, he coerced you into it and removed the condom. Often in situations like this flight or fight kicks in and people freeze, alot of people don't fight because they are in shock and they know they are in a dangerous situation which can escalate futher violence if they resist. Please take good care of yourself.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 01/10/2017 22:04

You may want to report your last update OP as your name change has failed. Just in case you don't want this linked to any other threads on here.

LondonStill83 · 01/10/2017 22:19

Op, I work in sexual health. I agree that it would be considered rape, but can understand why you don't want to go through the process of reporting, as it can be so traumatic to have yourself called into question and have to repeat what has happened to you over and over again.

If you do a SARC kit, you can always decide to report later. If you don't do one, you can always decide to report later anyway though of course there would be less evidence.

With regards emergency contraception, getting a copper coil fitted is actually the most reliable. You can do this up to five days after the event.

Alternatively, Ella one, or the five day EHC is effective, and unlike the 72-hour EHC, does NOT decrease in effectiveness over time. If you haven't taken it yet, it's definitely the one to choose. The normal over the counter pill (levonelle) decreases in effectiveness so pay more to get the Ella One.

MrsLilymunster · 02/10/2017 00:33

Having sex with someone , not using a condom when you specifically said otherwise is a form of rape x

HeebieJeebies456 · 02/10/2017 19:52

OP - he raped you. That's a fact even if you don't want to admit it.

You were incredibly naive and reckless for choosing to spend the night in the same bed with a virtual stranger.
However, that still does NOT make what happened YOUR 'fault'. You did NOT 'deserve' it and it IS a big deal.

I would urge you to report it.
I also suggest you contact Rape Crisis for support even if you don't report it.

Personally, i'd swear off getting involved with men/using them for escape/comfort until you've learnt to better manage your mental health/got help.
You're not seeing the danger you're putting yourself in and neither are you equipped to properly defend yourself against it.

Original poster
Beansandqueens · 03/10/2017 13:11

Thank you London. It was the Ellaone that I took yesterday and it's reassuri g to know it's efficacy doesn't decline over time.

I contacted victim support today and reported him. They were honest and said they didn't know what they would be able to do without a police report, however I feel better knowing that they know.

I am still undecided about whether I want to report him officially. The person from rape crisis made a really good point when I mentioned he might not have known it was rape and she said that he will have had training from victim support around consent issues.

He knew exactly what he was doing which has made me even more angry!!

Don't worry Heebie, I've been put off ever dating again after this event

OP posts:
StarUtopia · 03/10/2017 13:19

Agree with Heebie above. You need to sort yourself out.

paap1975 · 03/10/2017 13:22

He is a rapist and is likely to do this to other women. Please report him

KanyeWesticle · 03/10/2017 14:13

So pleased you contacted Victim Support and you got yourself the Pill.

Original poster
Beansandqueens · 04/10/2017 10:44

I've just reported him to the police and an officer is coming out today. I'm scared if I've done the right thing Sad

OP posts:
pimmsy · 04/10/2017 10:46
Flowers

Didn't want to read and run.

Take care

Collidascope · 04/10/2017 10:55

Well done, Beans. I think you've done a brilliant, very brave thing. You never know, by reporting him, you might have saved numerous other women from going through what this man-shaped piece of shit did to you.

Alittlepotofrosie · 04/10/2017 10:55

It was rape, coercion and sexual assault. I'm sorry.

AngelaTwerkel · 04/10/2017 10:55

Good for you, OP. You are incredibly brave. Flowers

For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing.

Alittlepotofrosie · 04/10/2017 10:56

Oh well done for reporting him. Youve done the right thing.

Original poster
Beansandqueens · 04/10/2017 11:49

Thanks everyone. They've asked me to give them the clothes I was wearing last night but I can't find my bra so panicking a little bit. I've found everything else though which I guess would have more evidence on them anyway.

I've come on my period today which means I'm not pregnant which is a relief. Is it normal that the morning after pill makes you come on so soon after taking it?

OP posts:
MarklahMarklah · 04/10/2017 12:20

Absolutely agree with Collidascope & AngelaTwerkel. You've done completely the right thing here. Make sure you take some time to be kind to yourself.

paap1975 · 04/10/2017 15:14

Well done, that was very brave.

category12 · 04/10/2017 15:19

Very brave. Look after yourself, op Flowers

flutterby12 · 04/10/2017 15:46

Well done OP

BewareOfDragons · 04/10/2017 16:07

Well done, OP. I admire your courage. x

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