Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He had sex with me without a condom and I didn't know

158 replies

Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 08:51

I've recently been struggling with my mental health and have spent a week straight at home alone as I have been signed off from work.

A guy I was dating for a few weeks last year recently got in touch and asked if I wanted to go over to his last night. From what I can remember he was a sweet guy but things just fizzled out. I really wanted some company so I told him that I wasn't feeling that great and might not be the best company but decided to go anyway. I really just wanted to have a chat with someone familiar and take my mind off things for a while and also just lie next to someone.

He started to kiss me which I went along with but then he tried to initiate sex. I explained I am on tablets that make me not want to have sex (it was an excuse really to get out of it) but he was so persistent that I felt at the time it would be easier to just let him and then I could sleep. We had sex with a condom and I explicitly explained that I had just had my coil removed so to not come near me without one.

After that, I tried to go to sleep but he tried to initiate sex again by rubbing himself on me while my back was turned and he put a condom on. I told him I didn't want sex so he just carried on wanking and rubbing himself on me from behind. I just lay there hoping he would finish himself off and I could sleep but then he put it inside and at this point I just wanted him to finish.

It only lasted a few seconds and he pulled out to cum but when I felt the cum I realised he wasn't wearing a condom. I left as soon as I woke up this morning and he has been texting saying sorry.

I'm so angry that he not only pressured me into having sex but now I have to go through all the embarrassment of finding somewhere open today that sells the morning after pill.

I just feel used and disgusting and my anxiety is through the roof now! I can't believe I let this happen and that my judgement of people is so poor. I know I should have been firmer about saying no and just left his house but I really hate conflict and felt quite vulnerable last night.

I feel 100 times worse and should have just stayed at home where I know I am safe.

I guess I just needed to vent here as I do t have anyone I can talk to about this IRL.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2017 10:05

You have been raped. Yes, you 'let' him, but you also made it clear that you required him to wear a condom. He didn't. That is rape.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 30/09/2017 10:19

Absolutely this was rape. I hope you are able to report him, especially with the Victim Support angle.

MiniTheMinx · 30/09/2017 10:40

I'm not going to comment on his actions. I think your priority should be yourself. Get the MAP and get checks for STDs. And then get yourself back to the GP for some help with your mental health.

If you were well would you have made different decisions? I bet you would, and you need to get yourself well.

Men do put women under pressure all the time, and women acquiesce all the time. I'm troubled by the fact he works with vulnerable women, and I'm sure you are too, but it's not your responsibility to crusade and save others, not right this minute. Your responsibility is to get yourself to a place where you feel strong and secure, and where giving in to sex in exchange for comfort and company is not even a possibility.

JemimaLovesHamble · 30/09/2017 11:28

He kept saying 'how can you expect me to not want it with you lying there next to me, I'm a man!!'

He volunteers for victim support yet holds these appalling ideas? (And on another thread someone will be berated for asking for a woman in a sensitive situation...) He took advantage of you, he coerced you, he basically raped you.

Do his texts show that he knows he was wrong? I understand if you don' feel strong enough to report him, but keep the texts just in case.

Original poster
Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 11:33

Thanks everyone for your support. I have ordered the pill online as I just can't face going to a pharmacy. It's the one that's effective up to 5 days after and it's arriving on Monday.

I'm also going to go to the GUM clinic on Monday although I know I'll have to go back in 4 weeks for a HIV test.

He has no idea the stress I now have to go through because of his actions. Absolute arsehole!!!

OP posts:
zippydoodaar · 30/09/2017 11:38

Block him and move on. Don't look back it.

Have been through plenty in my life and I can tell you it's the best remedy. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Kr1s · 30/09/2017 11:39

Of course he's knows about the stress. And he knows about your mental health issues.

He just doesn't care.

Bastard.

Offred · 30/09/2017 11:45

I think you should speak to rape crisis about this. Reporting (I have just done it) often has a bad reputation re victims but I have found it incredibly empowering and the (specialist) police have been so very wonderful and supportive.

You could go to a SARC yourself and they would support you, do the rape kit (if you want to) and talk you through what reporting would be like without you having to make any decisions right now.

fia101 · 30/09/2017 11:45

He's a disgusting predator. A rapist.

MillicentFawcett · 30/09/2017 11:46

You've got the texts as evidence. You don't have to go to the police but I would (if you can bear it) let the victim support people know what he's done. You don't have to use the word rape if you feel uncomfortable using it (although it was undoubtedly rape - you told him no and he did it anyway - that's rape) but they should know what happened. He may be getting off on hearing stories from vulnerable people.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault in any way at all.

Blossomdeary · 30/09/2017 11:50

"Just wanted him to finish" - this does not sound like consent tome; and you had already told him you were feeling vulnerable. What a truly ghastly man.

Go to chemist for your pill - you need to take it today and not when it arrives by post on Monday or later.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 30/09/2017 11:51

Read this if you can op.

https://www.google.ch/amp/www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/man-remove-condom-sex-stealthing-no-conviction-rape-consent-switzerland-lausanne-a7729656.html%3Famp

And take note of the last paragraph:

The UK signed the Istanbul Convention, which aims to prevent violence against women - including all non-consensual acts of a sexual nature. Earlier this year, Parliament passed a bill requiring the UK to ratify the convention.
It is believed stealthing would fall under that.

Original poster
Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 12:19

I've just sent him the link above saying I am not going to report him but I want him to know how bad it is and that I hope he doesn't do it to anyone else in the future.

I only had a Whatsapp message with him saying sorry which I deleted after starting this thread. The thing he said about being a man etc was said last night when he was trying it on and I said I just want to sleep.

I'm so paranoid now and questioning myself whether he had a condom on the first time. I saw him put it on but because he spent a while trying to convince me, he may have had time to take it off. I smelled this morning like I would if someone had cum inside me (sorry TMI but it does have a distinct smell)

My head is in a mess.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/09/2017 12:23

Maybe call Rape Crisis for some support

So sorry this happened Flowers

MaisieDotes · 30/09/2017 12:29

You will not be judged for getting the morning after pill. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you are acting responsibly.

Go and get it and then you can at least be free of that worry.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Be good to yourself Flowers

Sadlady77 · 30/09/2017 12:35

Hope you are okay. What an absolute scumbag he is. Glad you ordered the pill.

FairfaxAikman · 30/09/2017 12:36

This is called stealthing and is a form of rape. Even if you had consented that would have been conditional on using a condom. He didn’t so it’s rape.

I had this done to me fifteen years ago and it was only through discussion with a solicitor at work that I realised it was rape.

loveyoutothemoon · 30/09/2017 13:13

Report him please.

junglebookisthebest · 30/09/2017 13:39

Beans - I know you've ordered your pill for Monday - but take a look at how the % effectiveness drops with each 12 hours. I was shocked at the time and that's why I now tell everyone to get it as soon as possible...
So yes for some people - it will work in 3/4 days time but there's plenty for who leaving it till the latest time point is risky...

blueberrypie0112 · 30/09/2017 13:44

I am sorry, but this is a form of rape. I know you didn’t bother trying to leave but it still seem like rape

CakesRUs · 30/09/2017 13:48

Go get the morning after pill. It doesn't matter what people think, an unwanted pregnancy in this scenario is so much more problematic. As for him, I'd tell him the score, tell him how you feel. Don't let him think this is ok, you don't want to report him - tell him you have every right too after what he did. Hugs to you, shitty situation when you're already feeling shitty. Flowers

loveyoutothemoon · 30/09/2017 13:57

I agree with the others, you really need to get the MAP today to give you the best chance of it working. Go to Asda or a chemist. Nobody is going to know.

blueberrypie0112 · 30/09/2017 14:09

If you are taking medication for mental health, you should definitely take morning after pill as soon as possible because You don’t know how long you need to take it and will feel nervous for taking it While pregnant (if you unsure if it safe for pregnancy)

Ifonlylifewasimple · 30/09/2017 14:17

OP I bought the MAP from the pharmacy in Asda just last week (see my earlier post re it being £14) Please believe me you won't be judged by the pharmacist, they ask a few questions that is all. Cover yourself now just incase don't leave it until Monday.

HarmlessChap · 30/09/2017 14:22

What a pathetic excuse of a man.

Whether you choose to report it or not it sounds like rape to me. TBH persisting when you said you didn't want it in the first place was disgusting let alone the rest of it.