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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He had sex with me without a condom and I didn't know

158 replies

Beansandqueens · 30/09/2017 08:51

I've recently been struggling with my mental health and have spent a week straight at home alone as I have been signed off from work.

A guy I was dating for a few weeks last year recently got in touch and asked if I wanted to go over to his last night. From what I can remember he was a sweet guy but things just fizzled out. I really wanted some company so I told him that I wasn't feeling that great and might not be the best company but decided to go anyway. I really just wanted to have a chat with someone familiar and take my mind off things for a while and also just lie next to someone.

He started to kiss me which I went along with but then he tried to initiate sex. I explained I am on tablets that make me not want to have sex (it was an excuse really to get out of it) but he was so persistent that I felt at the time it would be easier to just let him and then I could sleep. We had sex with a condom and I explicitly explained that I had just had my coil removed so to not come near me without one.

After that, I tried to go to sleep but he tried to initiate sex again by rubbing himself on me while my back was turned and he put a condom on. I told him I didn't want sex so he just carried on wanking and rubbing himself on me from behind. I just lay there hoping he would finish himself off and I could sleep but then he put it inside and at this point I just wanted him to finish.

It only lasted a few seconds and he pulled out to cum but when I felt the cum I realised he wasn't wearing a condom. I left as soon as I woke up this morning and he has been texting saying sorry.

I'm so angry that he not only pressured me into having sex but now I have to go through all the embarrassment of finding somewhere open today that sells the morning after pill.

I just feel used and disgusting and my anxiety is through the roof now! I can't believe I let this happen and that my judgement of people is so poor. I know I should have been firmer about saying no and just left his house but I really hate conflict and felt quite vulnerable last night.

I feel 100 times worse and should have just stayed at home where I know I am safe.

I guess I just needed to vent here as I do t have anyone I can talk to about this IRL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beansandqueens · 04/10/2017 16:44

I'm not feeling very brave. The police are about to pick me up for the medical examination which I didn't realise is about 45 minutes away from where I live.

The officer that came said the first time wasn't rape as I consented and asked if I knew he would be arrested tonight and do I want to continue. She also asked why I didn't leave that night.

Feel like I've opened up a can of worms and really don't want to do this but I know I can't back out now

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 04/10/2017 16:48

You are so brave op. I’m sorry the officer wasn’t very sympathetic. But you are doing the right thing, what he did to you was horrific.

Flowers
TieGrr · 04/10/2017 16:54

You're doing the right thing, OP. Good luck Flowers

TheLegendOfBeans · 04/10/2017 16:58

Fucking hell, from one Beans to another total respect.

You have totally done the right thing; I'm saddened by the attitude of the officer who may not be so clued up on "stealthing"; don't let this put you off and I think that perseverance is key.

Someone will be along soon with a more intelligent way to support you through next steps but I just wanted to say I'm sorry this happened to you and stay strong and know you're doing the right thing xx

Offred · 04/10/2017 17:03

The police sometimes ask things like this because they are thinking about things like the strength of the evidence and the defences he might try to present.

It isnt necessarily that they don’t believe you or that it wasn’t rape. It’s that criminal offences have to be evidenced to a very high level.

I was also asked questions similar to this but the officer was very clear in explaining to me beforehand that some of the questions would be difficult but it is because they need to be thinking about satisfying the evidential burden not because they are judging me or not believing me.

Original poster
Beansandqueens · 04/10/2017 17:13

I don't know Offred, she basically told me it wasn't rape the first time because I eventually consented. She also said that when he is arrested for rape, it will always be on his record and that he doesn't have any previous convictions and that many people withdraw their statements at this stage. I said I didn't want to ruin his life and she said it will ruin his life.

I know nothing will come of this rape kit because even if they find his DNA, I'm pretty sure he won't deny we had sex. He'll just say it was consensual. They also want to take my phone for evidence which I feel uncomfortable about.

Regretting this already Sad

OP posts:
Beansandqueens · 04/10/2017 17:15

They also asked me to sign something which said I won't talk about the case on social media. Does Mumsnet count? Should I be talking about it on this post. Starting to panic!!!

Original poster
Beansandqueens · 04/10/2017 17:16

FFS, if I post on the app it changes my username!

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 04/10/2017 17:19

Don't worry about ruining his life. He raped you. You only "consented" because he was already coercing you and sometimes it's a case of self preservation. It's still rape. I wouldn't be very impressed with the police officer trying to put you off reporting it.

If you're concerned re social media then you can report this thread and get it deleted.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 04/10/2017 17:34

This happened to me too. The aftermath is so stressful when you wait for results.

Good on you for being brave enough to report. I’m sorry the officer wasn’t sympathetic.

Looksprettybad · 04/10/2017 17:51

You poor thing. You'll be saving him doing this to someone else.
I think you need to get this thread deleted now if you've signed.

Summergarden · 04/10/2017 17:54

We done for reporting it OP. So sorry you've been through this.

He really should/does know better given the training he has had.

Re social media- I imagine they mean not mentioning anything about it on Facebook etc. This post is anonymous so I don't think would be a problem.

TDHManchester · 04/10/2017 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Offred · 04/10/2017 18:38

Some police officers are not as sensitive as they should be.

Honestly I know it’s hard, especially at first but I hope you’ll come to see it as a positive step towards your healing.

Just because something is not able to be rape that you can be arrested for doesn’t mean it isn’t rape. Hardly any are reported, even fewer are arrested, fewer than that get charged and a vanishingly small percentage get convicted.

Police will be thinking ‘is this something we can a. Arrest for? B. Get enough evidence for charges?

I gave them my phone, all that means is I am complying with the investigation. If they have asked re taking yours they are intending to investigate which is what matters.

I also told the regular police I ‘don’t want him to get into trouble’ and my WA group leader said ‘ok, but you know you are STILL protecting him? Who is going to look after you?’

And I phoned the specialist DV officers that week, they have been really great.

DeleteOrDecay · 04/10/2017 18:40

be assertive, just say no and leave.

And if that doesn’t work, then what?

TDHManchester · 04/10/2017 18:43

I am amazed that my contribution has been deleted. Presumably i am accused of "victim blaming" when that was simply not my intention. I believe that my views were fair,reasonable and well balanced.

Alittlepotofrosie · 04/10/2017 18:51

Well if you asked a rape victim why she didn't "just get up and leave" then its probably quite obvious why you've been deleted.

SleightOfMind · 04/10/2017 18:55

You did absolutely nothing wrong, I've just run this, completely deadpan, past DH, 2 of our male friends, DS and his friend (late teens).
All disgusted, all categorically say he's a nasty piece of work and ought to be arrested.

Big hand hold for you. Such bad luck to run into an evil shit when you're already vulnerable.
(Secret hug, while mumsnet isn't looking!)

ArcheryAnnie · 04/10/2017 19:07

Dear Beansandqueens just adding my voice to say that I'm so sorry that this man did this to you, none of it was your fault, and I really admire you for reporting him.

The police officer is really not behaving properly, and should not be putting pressure on you to drop the case. (And - a side issue - I wish a report of rape did ruin a man's life, but too often it really doesn't.)

Flowers
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 04/10/2017 19:18

I would get yourself checked out hun

Some people take great pleasure in passing on stis and diseases

X

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 04/10/2017 19:26

Sorry randomly posted mid post !

Hope your Ok today.

Hopefully the police provide details of organizations you can talk to about this and your general MH as you said you wasn't feeling to good prior to this.

You have us here to talk too x

HeebieJeebies456 · 04/10/2017 19:36

she basically told me it wasn't rape the first time because I eventually consented

Well thank god the law won't be relying on her opinion then isn't it!
You don't need their validation - you know what happened and that's all that matters right now.

You might not be feeling brave right now, but making the decision to report and following through with it IS brave.

They can retrieve any deleted texts etc so if he's been apologizing or made any mention of the dynamic that night, hopefully it will serve as evidence.

Even if there isn't enough evidence for the CPS to prosecute him, the fact that he's been caught out, called out and will be on everyone's 'radar', means he will never 'escape' or be allowed to 'forget' what he did.

Original poster
Beansandqueens · 04/10/2017 20:57

Thank you everyone. With so many people saying I'm doing the right thing it is making me feel more confident that I made the right choice.

I just got back from the SARC and whilst it wasn't the nicest thing I've ever done, the nurses were lovely (much nicer than the police). I'm just so glad it's over but still have the video interview to go through and surrender my phone which could be held for months.

TED, I didn't read the post which got deleted but my OP was a very shortened version of what happened. I did say no, many times and in many different ways. It didn't matter what I said or did, he wasn't listening to me. It might seem strange that I didn't run out of his flat screaming (which is what you think you would do in that situation) but I just froze. He lives in a really rough area and i could hear all the drunk people outside shouting and my car was parked across the road. It was the early hours of the morning on a Saturday (so lots of people coming home drunk from the friday).

You can never know how you will react until you are in that situation.

Something else the police officer said. I told her when I turned away from him he slapped/grabbed my face to turn it to face him. I said it wasn't hard so she dismissed it and said he was being playful as I didn't think it was severe enough to add assault to the charges. It did frighten me at the time though

OP posts:
flutterby12 · 04/10/2017 21:06

That police officer sounds awful! She needs sacking!

You really are brave. Well done Flowers

Liara · 04/10/2017 21:08

That police officer sounds awful, actually. How the hell does she know he was being 'playful'.