He had sex with me without a condom and I didn't know

[Beansandqueens]

I've recently been struggling with my mental health and have spent a week straight at home alone as I have been signed off from work.

A guy I was dating for a few weeks last year recently got in touch and asked if I wanted to go over to his last night. From what I can remember he was a sweet guy but things just fizzled out. I really wanted some company so I told him that I wasn't feeling that great and might not be the best company but decided to go anyway. I really just wanted to have a chat with someone familiar and take my mind off things for a while and also just lie next to someone.

He started to kiss me which I went along with but then he tried to initiate sex. I explained I am on tablets that make me not want to have sex (it was an excuse really to get out of it) but he was so persistent that I felt at the time it would be easier to just let him and then I could sleep. We had sex with a condom and I explicitly explained that I had just had my coil removed so to not come near me without one.

After that, I tried to go to sleep but he tried to initiate sex again by rubbing himself on me while my back was turned and he put a condom on. I told him I didn't want sex so he just carried on wanking and rubbing himself on me from behind. I just lay there hoping he would finish himself off and I could sleep but then he put it inside and at this point I just wanted him to finish.

It only lasted a few seconds and he pulled out to cum but when I felt the cum I realised he wasn't wearing a condom. I left as soon as I woke up this morning and he has been texting saying sorry.

I'm so angry that he not only pressured me into having sex but now I have to go through all the embarrassment of finding somewhere open today that sells the morning after pill.

I just feel used and disgusting and my anxiety is through the roof now! I can't believe I let this happen and that my judgement of people is so poor. I know I should have been firmer about saying no and just left his house but I really hate conflict and felt quite vulnerable last night.

I feel 100 times worse and should have just stayed at home where I know I am safe.

I guess I just needed to vent here as I do t have anyone I can talk to about this IRL.

[ParanoidBeryl]

Can you speak to colleagues / switchboard and tell them that you are dealing with an issue in your personal life at the moment and to ensure they don't transfer any unknown callers to your extension?

Are you in a public facing role where he could come to your place of work?

[Beansandqueens]

I tried to call but had to leave a message as she only works part time. He doesn't know where I live but knows where I work

[ParanoidBeryl]

Make sure you tell the investigating officer that the man has tried to contact you. Does he know where you live?

[Beansandqueens]

Oh and I've definately come on my period which is such a relief. That you again everyone for all your helpful advice and support. I couldn't have done this without you all!!!

[Beansandqueens]

Hi, sorry for the late reply. I've had a really difficult few days. I've finally been in touch with the officer dealing with my case and they tried to interview him Saturday but said he wasn't at home.

He tried to call me yesterday but because he is blocked it didn't go through.

Why on earth would he try to call me??

[Ginorchoc]

Hi Bean, have you be allocated an officer as a point of contact?? If not you should be!

They won't always arrest on the day you provide the statement, it'll be at a point that they have enough evidence to put to him.

They'll only have so much 'clock' time to hold him so will want to be as efficient as possible with that time. If he is represented by legal representation, disclosure will be requested so they need to ensure they are ready so don't be surprised if it is a little while but it shouldn't be too long. They'll most likely need your text messages as they sound vital from what you have said.

It is a long process so try not be too disheartened, you've done a something very brave, I hope that doesn't sound patronising but you really have!

Be aware that he also might be bailed but you are entitled to be updated on your case.

If he contacts you I wouldn't engage but save the messages/voicemails.

[Offred]

And re the arrest it may take a little while due to the new bail system. You should have the details of the officer dealing with it. If you don’t then get onto the ISVA because they can chase that up for you and find out.

[Offred]

I know deep down I've done the right thing in reporting him. I would urge anyone who has been through this to report as it had made me feel so much more assertive about my body

I’m so glad this is how you are feeling. It’s felt similarly for me. Like shining a light in the darkness so even though I now see the scary things I didn’t before I now know what is in there.

It’s not a walk in the park but I have found it healing, no matter what happens to him. In fact as time goes on one of the best things has been the ability to care for myself and his existence has become more and more irrelevant to me.

[Beansandqueens]

Offred, I'm going to wait until the end of the month and then do the test as even if it was negative now then I would convince myself that it is only because it is too early. I might ask a friend to be there when I do it.

Thank you mogul and pond. I am trying not to think about whether he gets convicted because regardless of the likelihood, I know deep down I've done the right thing in reporting him. I would urge anyone who has been through this to report as it had made me feel so much more assertive about my body. I realise now that I have been raped before by a man I loved very much and it's given me the insight and strength to send him and email telling him what he has done. I was seriously ill at the time and he had sex with me. Later that day I was admitted to hospital. What makes that worse is that he is a doctor (works in another country so no point in reporting).

Ginor, the police never saw the thread and didn't ask to see it but the police station dealing with my video statement isn't the police station that will be investigating because the offence happened in another city. I haven't heard from them yet and have no idea if he has been arrested or even the officer dealing with it.

I'm not sure if they will ask me to get the thread deleted but I don't even have the name of an officer to call. Is it normal to take this long for someone to contact me? Wouldn't they have arrested him the day of my statement?

(P.s sorry for all the terrible typos in all my posts, I'm in my phone and autocorrect is a pain!!!)

[PondLifeinLondon]

Seriously, fuck that first police officer and fuck anyone here making victim blaming comments.

I'm so sorry op

[mogulfield]

I just wanted to say well done for reporting, whether he’s convicted or not is another matter. We all need to report rape when it happens otherwise things only get worse.
Well done for being so strong.

[Ginorchoc]

Hi Beans you'll of course get conflicting advice and if your case officer thinks it's ok and has seen the content then I'd take their advice.

I speak from experience as an ex SOIT Police Officer and as a retrained defence case worker. There is in my thoughts a little too much content in this public domain that should it go to court may risk an unfair trial plea.

Ironically before I joined the Police I also worked for the witness service so I'm pleased to hear he is rightly suspended however it is that information which might cause an issue.

[Offred]

That’s exactly it - the catastrophising.

It will hopefully get better. Mine has but I think when the world feels like a horrible place you have to protect yourself from, as it will after something like this, I think it’s a natural self protection mechanism to catastrophise.

The thing I think is hard is dealing with intrusive catastrophising thoughts and feeling you lack the energy/bravery/ability to do the things you need to to help yourself.

Re the pg testing if that is a stumbling block could you confide in a friend and have them sit with you?

[Beansandqueens]

Thanks Offred, I know the possibility is extremely low but I have anxiety and catastophise things. It sounds like you have been through so much and I'm sorry.

Ginor, how would I get the post edited? I don't want to change too much as an earlier poster said that the police may want to use this thread as evidence. As it is anonymous, I thought it was ok to post here and the police never asked me to delete it when I mentioned it to them

[Ginorchoc]

OP I'm worried you're posting so much detail, it might be worth asking for some of the details to be edited. You signed the social media contract because anything in the public domain has potential to be used in evidence. Regarding your phone messages they can be retrieved so don't worry, deleting them off your phone doesn't permanently delete them. Just wanted to add you're being very strong, make sure you get support because once it goes quiet or during the CPS decision process you might find you crash a little so it's important to have support around you. Also have you heard of fight or flight, this is the bodies natural reaction to stressful situations and you freezing is very common so don't beat yourself up about that. Stay strong but recognise where it has a negative effect, take time and support when YOU need it.

[Offred]

I would say, though possible, it is unlikely you will be pregnant.

Fertility can take a few months to return after removal of the coil, especially the mirena which contains hormones. My sister took 9 months of active trying to conceive after she had hers removed. Technically this isn’t enough of an effect on fertility for the NHS to be concerned about and obviously these things affect ppl differently.

You’ve also taken MAP.

I can understand why you would be afraid to test. I tested a few times after horrible ex even though I was confident in my contraception (i’ve only just had my first normal period now 9 months after we split and depo ran out) just because I needed to know for sure and I was afraid to test each time. I did it because I knew I would definitely want to terminate and on the remote chance I was pg I therefore wanted to know ASAP.

I think a lot of the worry and fear that caused me to test was actually projected anxiety about what had happened really though. I the back of my mind I knew that really I was just trying to work out the meaning of my sadness and fear and was not really at that time ok with just accepting what had happened IYSWIM.

[SophieGiroux]

A pregnancy test won't show up any result until 2 weeks after possible conception. The first response ones do work a little bit earlier, however it's unlikely as you took the MAP.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

just wanted to say i think you are being incredibly strong through this all. Well done, this twat should NOT get away with this.

[Beansandqueens]

Thank you

Heebie, the SARC font do swabs for STI's and said I'd have to wait 2 weeks to get an STI swab at the GUM which will be this Friday.

I had my coil in for 4 years and had it removed 2 weeks before the incident. You're right though. I just need to bite the bullet and do the test so I can deal with whatever the results may be. I know the chances are very slim but it'll be in the back of my mind before I know for sure.

[nameohnameohname]

Well done Beans

[ParanoidBeryl]

Glad it went ok today.

[HeebieJeebies456]

They should have taken a swab for STI checks when you had your medical, chase them up on that.
Scary as it is.....would you rather find out early enough to be able to have the control to do something about it?
Or wait until the decision is made for you/taken out of your hands?

How long did you have the coil in?
I've been off mine for 2 years now and my periods haven't returned, just occasional spotting.
You've taken the MAP also, so probability wise i'd say you were safe.
.....but ask your gp to test you to put your mind at rest.
I'm not sure whether you would have to wait X weeks before being able to do the test or not?

[Beansandqueens]

Thank you Pre-emptive. I just hope the police can retrieve the massages from my phone and his phone.

I had my video interview today and it went OK. I feel like I got my story across and the police woman today was lovely. Thank you everyone for your help and support through all of this.

I thought I'd come on my period a few days ago (wiped and saw a small amount of blood.....sorry TMI). It turns out I haven't come on and still very worried about this. I'm not sure when I'm due to come on because of my coil removal and the morning after pill. I told the police this and she said I should do a pregnancy test but I can't face doing one. If it was positive I'd be absolutely devastated!! Never have I preyed so much for my period!!!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Permatired and his sockpuppet are wrong: this isn't just your word against his, there's also the fact that, as a counsellor to victim support, he would have known about consent issues. He would have known that not all men "just have these needs", he would have damned well known about your vulnerability being a factor.

His job, his apologetic texts, the entire set up is evidence. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

[BlackeyedSusan]

it is completely normal to freeze in these situations. do not believe anyone who suggests you are at fault because you froze. the only person at fault is the rapist.