Therapist wants me to see my mum but I don't want to.

[ChocolatePHD]

I am v low contact with my mum and have been for a year when my brain finally broke over her being complicit in the childhood abuse at the hands of my stepdad, and her also not being there for me even after the stepdad left the scene, and various times of exploding at me because I wouldn't do what she wanted and trying to manipulate me.

Life has been much better without her around but she adores my ds so she has him once a month for the afternoon. She has pushed for more than that but I've said no.

And the reason for that is boththat I don't want her emotional fuckwittage messing with my head anymore (I have a lot of resulting mental health problems) and also that every time I am confronted with her at my door it really affects me. For the week prior I feel really down and low. Yesterday I felt so down I wanted to cry all day and felt so irritable that it was unbearable and I was desperate to self harm. (But won't, I am a responsible parent). I had to take a Valium to calm down. My dh always offers to do the handover at the front door but my therapist encourages me to be strong and face her, which I've always done until now, but it makes me feel so horribly anxious and upset for days before and after, I just don't know if it's worth it?! My therapist keeps saying that this will become easier with time but it hasn't at all, and actually this pick up will be even more awkward as my mum blew up at me the other week because I said no to her bringing ds' presents round at his bedtime. I offered her loads of other options but she was really arsey and rude and told me it was very upsetting and other bullshit to try and manipulate me. I stood my ground but it was so shit and made me really angry. And now I'm supposed to face her tomorrow after that and everything else? I don't want to. And dh won't be at home tomorrow as a buffer/ support either.

I should just say that this is the one thing I disagree with the therapist about, she has absolutely changed my life and gave me the courage and conviction that walking away from mum was the right thing to do. I'm just not sure I should keep subjecting myself to this. What do you think?

I chose to go no contact with my grandparents as I loathe them and their type.

My mum at the time didn't want to go no contact and wanted to take my 14 year old to visit them. I was fine with that. I didn't go into the detail of why I didn't see them, just said they weren't my sort of people and that it would be good for her to see her nans parents.

She got back and has seen no reason to go back again. Since then my poor mum has realised how poisonous they are and only contacts them infrequently.

I'm glad my dd went and one day she'll ask again why I don't see them and I'll tell her as she's old enough.

Mind you, they are just despicable people, she'd never be in danger from them.

Oh I forgot I wanted to say one more thing!

Others seem to have understood no-contact as something that could eat away at you, and be a negative barrier to forgiveness and peace with yourself.

This isn’t how I feel at all. Breaking contact with my mother represented me finally being honest and real about the fact that her behaviour (which she couldn’t or wouldn’t change) and my happiness are utterly incompatible. They always had been, which is why my childhood was a bloody misery!

Good luck, OP. I really do feel for you.

Humanfemale I recognise myself in so much of what you said.

It's like every time I'm in my mums presence for even a minute I crumble into this awkward self-loathing horribly self conscious girl who is so ashamed of herself that she is afraid to speak. Basically me aged 7 onwards when I lived at home. She has bent over backwards at times over the years doing bloody cleaning for me/ helping me out shelves up etc but it can't erase the damage. She was so fucking uncaring for years and I will always remain that scared ashamed girl around her, frozen as a 7 year old. Ooh that was a bit of a lightning bolt there. I hadn't realised that before.

It's very very unpleasant being stuck in that place. To say the least. I feel paranoid about everything I say and terrified that everything I do or how I live my life/ have my home/ wear my clothes is being judged. Because I know the truth- she does judge, she does criticise. And it makes me extremely bloody uncomfortable. Why would I want to be confronted with that?

Do you know that my therapist suggested to me a few weeks back I should invite my mum in to my house, almost to challenge me feeling awkward and paranoid in her presence (because I was always terrified of her judging how I have my home). Well why would I want to do that?! Rather than try and prove something to myself maybe I just don't want to be around someone all judgy like that and don't want to give her he satisfaction of casting her eye round my house? Maybe I don't want to cultivate anything with her so what's the point of inviting her in anyway? Surely it's natural not to want to be around someone who you know slags off everyone around her from their home decor to their clothing sizes?!

Your therapist does not get it. At all. It’s very painful for people like us to be misunderstood, because we’re constantly second guessing and doubting the validity of our feelings, anyway!

Didn’t mean to speak for you there! I’m my experience it’s been very painful. Like when I used to try to speak to friends about my mum and they would say something like, ‘oh, I’m sure she means well.’

It was honestly like a kick to the stomach.

I know exactly what you mean.

Ok so I just texted her to say I feel like I need some time to myself as the last few weeks haven't been easy and I'll talk to her when I feel better. And then I blocked her numbers again.

Oh she will think of me badly, there will be tears, there will be thinking I'm a cow for not allowing a ds visit, which is hugely upsetting, but all I'm in control of is taking care of my mental health and my own little family. I can't control if she is going to be emotional or instead have a go at me or whatever, and because I'm so sensitive to it all I need to stay away.

I so wish it wasn't this way. It's heartbreaking.

No matter how strong you are your mother will always get under your skin because you've obeyed her all your childhood. You don't have face her if you don't want to.
Trust your instincts.
Stop feeling any guilt towards your mother and go NC if that'll make you happier.
I moved 150 miles away from my mother in my 20s with 3 young children. Hard but saved my sanity.
I missed what I'd never had anyway, love and support.

I doubt she is feeling any guilt for what she put you through and what she allowed to happen to you. She is not worried about your feelings.

So if she can't give any thought to you, then you should give her the same amount.

'It’s very painful for people like us to be misunderstood, because we’re constantly second guessing and doubting the validity of our feelings, anyway!'

SO TRUE! It really hurts so intensely, especially when it's someone who 'should' understand us, like a close friend or therapist

OP, yet again, huge well done. I know this is all dreadfully painful for you but you keep on making the choice to put yourself and your needs first. I promise you that this gets easier with practice.

How can you know that Aussie?

This is an example of demonising. It is not helpful for op's current and long term mental health.

I'm sorry you are confused by what I posted up thread op. It looks like you've had some great support since xx

I think she does feel guilt, Aussie. She has said several times over the years that she should have got me out of there and she is so sorry. However I honestly don't see her having changed much as a person and if we were in the exact same situation now I still believe she'd act the same way. And she is still a loose cannon which puts me on edge.

Her guilt has always been tied up in her own low self esteem and 'should haves', but she had ample chances to act differently. Years of chances. How much do you let go of as the recipient of all this stuff.

Don't worry springy. I've appreciated everyone's input.