Therapist wants me to see my mum but I don't want to.

[ChocolatePHD]

I am v low contact with my mum and have been for a year when my brain finally broke over her being complicit in the childhood abuse at the hands of my stepdad, and her also not being there for me even after the stepdad left the scene, and various times of exploding at me because I wouldn't do what she wanted and trying to manipulate me.

Life has been much better without her around but she adores my ds so she has him once a month for the afternoon. She has pushed for more than that but I've said no.

And the reason for that is boththat I don't want her emotional fuckwittage messing with my head anymore (I have a lot of resulting mental health problems) and also that every time I am confronted with her at my door it really affects me. For the week prior I feel really down and low. Yesterday I felt so down I wanted to cry all day and felt so irritable that it was unbearable and I was desperate to self harm. (But won't, I am a responsible parent). I had to take a Valium to calm down. My dh always offers to do the handover at the front door but my therapist encourages me to be strong and face her, which I've always done until now, but it makes me feel so horribly anxious and upset for days before and after, I just don't know if it's worth it?! My therapist keeps saying that this will become easier with time but it hasn't at all, and actually this pick up will be even more awkward as my mum blew up at me the other week because I said no to her bringing ds' presents round at his bedtime. I offered her loads of other options but she was really arsey and rude and told me it was very upsetting and other bullshit to try and manipulate me. I stood my ground but it was so shit and made me really angry. And now I'm supposed to face her tomorrow after that and everything else? I don't want to. And dh won't be at home tomorrow as a buffer/ support either.

I should just say that this is the one thing I disagree with the therapist about, she has absolutely changed my life and gave me the courage and conviction that walking away from mum was the right thing to do. I'm just not sure I should keep subjecting myself to this. What do you think?

OP, something you said about your son not mention his Gran. Granted it could be down to the fact he doesn't have much going on with her relationship wise but could it also be down to her perhaps not being an active part of family life even on a day to day conversational level?

I only ask because Im not sure his not taking about her means much in the way of things and is perhaps not a basis to stop the visits.

To be honest, given that your mother allowed you to be abused, I am not sure why you sending DS off to her for the afternoon, even once a month.

I am not trying to make you feel worse, I honestly know how hard all this is, but have a think about how you would feel if you cut her off completely - absolutely blocked and she has no contact with any member of your family?

You worry that she will slag you off to people - you don't think she does that already?

Just to reiterate, she sounds like an utterly crap therapist - there's no way she should be directing you like that.

Also, for what it's worth, I find it really interesting that there's a kind of parallel between your mother's behaviour in your childhood and the therapist's behaviour now...

You say your mother was complicit in abuse, and had "various times of exploding at me because I wouldn't do what she wanted and trying to manipulate me."

Meanwhile, your therapist is now pushing you to stay in a relationship with your mother in which you feel distressed, and is overriding your feelings.

Sounds as if it's possible to see a bit of a pattern there without particularly overinterpreting.

Get a new therapist asap, and explore in a truly safe environment how YOU feel you want to deal with the relationship with your mother.

Sounds as if it's possible to see a bit of a pattern there without particularly overinterpreting

Now there's a thought!

If your mother once slapped your child then no, you can't be sure she won't ever do it again.

You also can't know what she's telling your child while she's looking after him.

I discovered, years later, that my parents were grooming my children to accept all kinds of abuse. I feel disgusted for allowing them any contact at all with my precious children. I wish I'd gone NC years ago.

You need to sack this therapist and find another such person who has NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Interview these people carefully, the first person you see may not be the right one. The scenario you describe is precisely why I keep writing that first sentence.

This therapist is also not helping you deal with your FOG re your mother either; FOG is an acronym for fear, obligation and guilt. It is that too that keeps you also trapped. Infact if this person is a member of a recognised body of counsellors or therapists I would report them to those people too.

Your mother was an abusive parent to you and now is inflicting not too dissimilar damage to your child in front of your very eyes. She does not adore your DS; she is using him to fulfill some innate needs of hers. Do not subject him to your mother any longer. You also have no way of knowing for certain that she will not hit him again. With more time and money too on her hands she could potentially steal his heart and mind away from you. If she is also spoiling him she is setting up future problems for both him and you. People like your mother also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would further lower all forms of contact now with your mother to zero and stop the handover to her with immediate effect. A good rule of thumb here is that if the parent is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with it is the self same for your child as well. Toxic parents more often than not become toxic grandparent figures.

Do read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread as Aussiebean previously suggested.

Thank you for your thoughts. I know what my gut is telling me.

The hard thing- which I think a lot of people in my position struggle with- is the good bits about the relationship. The times when she went out of her way to help. The times when she comforted me. The times when she made a fuss on my birthday etc. It doesn't excuse the shit stuff but it makes me feel cruel not letting her see ds and cutting her off myself. But she has always made me feel so shit about myself.... the affect all this has had has reached its tentacles into so many parts of my life and my health. Extricating it all is fucking hard. And all the while she is making it be known how sad she is that we aren't close anymore.

It's a total headfuck.

Abusive people are not horrible all the time and sometimes they can be "nice" but its an act that they cannot maintain. They can also appear to be plausible to those in the outside world. What you describe in your post is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is really a continuous one.

Alternating being kind and abusive is typical behaviour from abusers. It makes the abuse even worse, in a way, because you know they can be kind and start running around trying to please them to bring that kind version of them back. It makes you blame yourself, rather than them.

If she can be kind, then she chose to be unkind.

And yes, extricating yourself from her influences is hard. Very hard. But it's easier than living with all this crap for the rest of your life.

Putting yourself through the monthly hangovers is an unnecessary pain. Don't do it. The less interaction I have to have with my abusive ex, the more I am able to cope when I do have to interact. It is ok to protect yourself.

Maybe your therapist was useful to get you to where you are, but now your needs surpass what she can give you. You do not owe your mother a relationship - not with your or ds. The fact that she has physically harmed ds is reason enough to end all contact if you choose to.

You are in control here. You have the choice. You are allowed to say "this is too much". Perhaps the therapist had unwittingly helped you see where your boundaries are. No more handovers. If you want to continue contact, then put your mother on a last warning. One more explosion at you, one more poor decision about ds's care, and you can cut contact safe in the knowledge that you tried. But you don't have to try.

Let your partner help. Let them do the handovers (my dh does all mine and it's helped me so much). Step away.

Hangovers should be handovers

Self preservation both of your DS and yourself is necessary here; you are protecting yourselves from your abusive mother and his grandmother respectively.

She was not a good parent to you (a total understatement) and remains a toxic example of a grandmother to your DS.

You would not have tolerated this from a friend, your mother is no different.

Deal with your FOG properly by finding another therapist to work with. The wrong therapist can do more harm than good as you have all too clearly seen. Re therapists as well you also need to find someone who can fit in with your approach, they really are like shoes and you need to find someone who fits.

OP, she was a bad parent and is now a bad grandparent. She has already started abusing your DC. Don't let her carry on.

Listen to your gut. It is screaming at you to keep your abusive mother away from you and your family. Stop all contact with her so that you can find peace and your DC never gets to feel as bad as she made you feel.

It's lucky she is not DC's parent so she has no right to any contact. So many mothers on here have to hand their DC over for contact with abusive fathers.

And get another therapist. She should definitely NOT be telling you what you should do, A good therapist should be helping you to work out for yourself what is best for you.

am experiencing similar

can anyone explain why we feel nostalgia for a relationship we never had but spend our lives yearning for? why we dont face the reality of how things actually are and give the person one more chance, and then get slapped in the face again? I've taken 50 years of this from one person in my family and have gone very low contact, but in my mind I constantly yearn for a better relationship with them, and feel I'm missing out so much,even though my gut tells me different.

I can see echoes of what you have here op. I dont mean to derail your thread at all, just that I see a similarity in our problems. It is a FOG, but how do we get through and it and really believe it?

of course abusive people are occasionally nice. if they weren't it would be too easy for you to leave, so they keep you hooked by showing you a fantasy.

therapist is crap and not helping you anymore. find a new one who is fully supportive.

absolutely go nc with your mum. don't see why she should have access to your ds. she's toxic. why inflict her on him?

i know it's so hard. stopping caring about what she things will liberate you.

There are 2 broad schools of thought on these threads: Eastenders-stylee 'it's family innit' types (who just can't imagine why family would behave badly in any way, and if they do you should just suck it up) and the 'stately homes' people (my people).

Based on what you've said I would suggest:

1. ditching the therapist
2. going no contact with your mother - she failed you, and you now need to look after yourself and your family. Her feelings have nothing to do with you given she has shown absolutely no regard for yours.

She should never have unsupervised access to your DS. If you, understandably, wish to further reduce contact and your H isn't willing or able to supervise, then she shouldn't see her GS.

Abusive people are often very nice and charming - it keeps their victims on the back foot. They never know what is going to provoke an aggressive reaction and so can't avoid certain areas/topics.

Sack the therapist.

She's promoting contact unsupervised of your DC with someone who failed to protect you from abuse.

I'd actually consider reporting therapist to any governing body too.

I think I would have had very limited contact and not allowed unsupervised visits after the slapping of the legs incident. If she demonstrates in public how easily she can lose her temper and strike out, I can only imagine what she must do in private. I personally wouldn't be letting the chance of that happen again.

Based on what you've said I would suggest:
1. ditching the therapist
2. going no contact with your mother - she failed you, and you nowneed to look after yourself and your family. Her feelings have nothing to do with you given she has shown absolutely no regard for yours.*

^^This

While sometimes abusive people are abusive through and through, most often abusive people are abusive sometimes. I don't think it's helpful to demonise people who have hurt us bcs of what is almost always the result of their own damage.

There is such a broad spectrum of abusive behaviours - and intent - it is not helpful to assume the person who hurt us is a narc. A true narc is very rare. Yes, in some instances it is entirely appropriate to cut off an abusive parent but the (vast) majority of the time it isn't appropriate in the long term. Our parents made some awful mistakes (guess what, so will we) - it takes a lot of work to work out what is what ; and this can take time. It took me many years.

In the meantime it's not appropriate for your therapist to be so directive. For the time being you are not comfortable doing the handovers, so don't do them.

Healing from childhood stuff is a lifetime's work. While we can't help blaming it isn't actually helpful for our healing in the long run. We may be full of rage and blame but that needn't last forever as a rock solid conclusion to what happened to us.

I sent her a text saying ds is ill to get out of tomorrow and then I will think about how to handle life after that. Thanks for the thoughts everybody. If anyone has any idea what I can say to her from here on or how to stop feeling guilty I'd much much appreciate it.

This is not the action of a good therapist. She is there to guide you through the process of exploring and focussing, on whatever will empower you into making the right choices, to improve your life. What she is telling you to do may seem like a small thing, but in fact her even suggesting this indicates that she has missed the entire crux of the situation. Change your therapist.