Therapist wants me to see my mum but I don't want to.

[ChocolatePHD]

I am v low contact with my mum and have been for a year when my brain finally broke over her being complicit in the childhood abuse at the hands of my stepdad, and her also not being there for me even after the stepdad left the scene, and various times of exploding at me because I wouldn't do what she wanted and trying to manipulate me.

Life has been much better without her around but she adores my ds so she has him once a month for the afternoon. She has pushed for more than that but I've said no.

And the reason for that is boththat I don't want her emotional fuckwittage messing with my head anymore (I have a lot of resulting mental health problems) and also that every time I am confronted with her at my door it really affects me. For the week prior I feel really down and low. Yesterday I felt so down I wanted to cry all day and felt so irritable that it was unbearable and I was desperate to self harm. (But won't, I am a responsible parent). I had to take a Valium to calm down. My dh always offers to do the handover at the front door but my therapist encourages me to be strong and face her, which I've always done until now, but it makes me feel so horribly anxious and upset for days before and after, I just don't know if it's worth it?! My therapist keeps saying that this will become easier with time but it hasn't at all, and actually this pick up will be even more awkward as my mum blew up at me the other week because I said no to her bringing ds' presents round at his bedtime. I offered her loads of other options but she was really arsey and rude and told me it was very upsetting and other bullshit to try and manipulate me. I stood my ground but it was so shit and made me really angry. And now I'm supposed to face her tomorrow after that and everything else? I don't want to. And dh won't be at home tomorrow as a buffer/ support either.

I should just say that this is the one thing I disagree with the therapist about, she has absolutely changed my life and gave me the courage and conviction that walking away from mum was the right thing to do. I'm just not sure I should keep subjecting myself to this. What do you think?

It's a shame you can't move much further away from her.
She seems to be so much in your life and in your thoughts.
I wouldn't let DS go out with her.
Soon (sorry don't know his age) DS will be wanting to spend weekends with his pals, and not DGM. It is not a forever relationship. I would just stop it now (and move far away).

Trust your instincts OP what are they telling your re latest the text
You are the parent now your ds is yours to protect and you get a say while he's still young on what adults are in his life and especially which ones will be a positive role model to him.

My gut feeling is that I don't want him to see her. I don't feel right about it. It just feels like such a major thing to cut her off and I am not sure I can ever get over feeling like the worst person in the world over it.

In the text she worded it that she wanted to take ds to the coast for the day and have a meal down there. Ds can't eat in restaurants because of allergies. So supposing I said yes to her having him for arguments sake- I would then have to say no to a restaurant meal therefore skewing her plans. Which she will be judging me for and thinking I'm overprotective and silly and moan about me. And this is precisely why she is too much of a headache. I don't need this shit!!!

Just say no. Your allowed to protect your son.

"We have plans for the weekend, and you know that DS can't eat in restaurants yet anyway."

Or... "No, DS won't be going out with you. DH will be in touch about any future meetings"

?

I'm feeling really churned up here with it all, I feel I need more space. And I feel like a cruel bastard for not wanting her to see him. (Rationally I know I'm not though). I feel really distressed and self harmy. I considered scratching my fingers til they bleed or cutting myself. But I don't want to be a SH mother. He comes first. The thoughts are very upsetting though.

Why do I feel like I need my therapist to tell me it's ok to walk away? I don't know why that is, like she is the oracle or something?!

And how can I live with myself walking away? My mum already looks like a shell of a person.

I hate that all this rests on my shoulders. I'm not strong enough to carry the weight of it.

I'm sorry for going around in annoying circles guys. Brain is all over the place.

don't feel under pressure to respond. put it to one side until you're happy with what you want to say. you don't owe her a response. you aren't responsible for making her happy. you are not responsible for her. only your ds.

and fwiw i wouldn't let him go if her idea is to take him to a restaurant. presumably she knows the issues? so again she's pushing your boundaries.

chocolate she is pushing your buttons. I understand you would like your therapist's permission but you don't need it. There's lots of people with similar experiences giving you permission. But you don't need us either. Listen to your guts.

Can you contact your therapist out of hours? If not, do you have a plan in place for when you are feeling like this?

Here are my thoughts....if it was me.

I would reply in a very civil way but get yourself the time and space you need to feel calmer. So a reply might say, that's a very lovely idea but not possible, we are planning on having some time just the three of us for a while. I'll be in touch soon.

I know maybe that seems weak but it's fairly drama free. And then dont read any reply, delete any messages, voicemails etc until you are feeling stronger. However long that is. Days, weeks, whatever.

I've done this recently and it really gave me the space I needed. The deleting all messages without reading felt so relieving (after I stopped feeling shocked that I was doing it!)

SH is a coping mechanism. It doesn't reflect on your skills as a mother. But I'd see it as a sign that you need to take steps to relieve your stress.

Re the guilt, can you think of it this way? You are not taking any permanent action. You can think about that when you feel stronger. Right now, the rights and wrongs have become irrelevant. You need space for your own wellbeing. More than anything your DS needs you to be well.

*and how can I live with myself walking away? My mum already looks like a shell of a person.

I hate that*

You are not responsible for her happiness. She chose your stepfather for her happiness. She chose to stay with him, for her happiness. She has conditioned you to be responsible for her happiness.

That is hot how it works. She is an adult who is responsible for her own happiness. If she wants a relationship with her gc then she needs to accept responsibility for her actions. As that is Unlikely, that is on her.

You are not responsible for her happiness!

Thank you for the pep talk everyone. I told my husband how I was feeling and we had a nice dinner and watched some funny tv shows. I feel somewhat calmer now.

I emailed my therapist to say I was having something of a crisis about what to do. For some reason I forgot to mention the SH thoughts! It was only a couple of months ago that I tied a belt around my neck and pulled it tight til I felt lightheaded while distressed about all this. Sorry if that was disturbing to read. I had no intention of ending things I just felt so distressed and blamed myself for everything. Reason for me mentioning it is to illustrate that my brain balance is fairly delicate and I have to put its needs first. I hope nobody thinks less of me for admitting I did that.

I suspect what I'll probably do is tell her in a few days that I need some space. And see how I feel during that space. Better I suspect.

Eddielizard yes she knows his food issues. She is just thoughtless and dismissive about these things.

Chocolate glad you had a calm evening. Take care.

There is so much projection in some of the posts, they are biased, not impartial, therefore not helpful, just inflaming an already poor situation.
As for the Therapist, if you just don't jel, find another one, just be sure it's not because she is not saying what you want to hear, if it is it's pointless going to one. Yes people are no use.

Taking responsibility for someone else’s happiness is something we do as ‘nice’ or ‘kind’ people but it is a bottomless pit, let alone for someone like your DM. She will never be happy enough that you can leave her to it.
And be aware as she ages health issues will come up - diabetes/ mild stroke/ fractured somethin or other and how will you ever walk away then. She will be needy possibly in pain, or claiming that she is, and more demanding of your time and then of your care. You need to get boundaries in place now.

Imv the thoughtless and dismissive attitude to DSs food allergies is passive-aggressive behaviour to diminish and belittle your views.

Missbabs- yeah it's weird. My friends etc who know about ds' allergies are respectful and concerned about them. Ditto his asthma. If you truly care about someone that's how you are!

She is very snotty and judgemental about everyone and everything they do pretty much. Makes comments like 'most people Dont look good' and 'most people's houses don't look nice'. Makes comments about people's dress sizes. I could go on and on. So why would she be any different about someone's allergies.

Give yourself permission to take a break from bowing to your mothers demands. Review the situation in a couple of months time just see it as healing space from now not cutting her off completely.
You are struggling, there is an internal conflict going on between you the daughter and you the parent.
You need to heal first before dealing with a person like you mother who is use to getting own way while disrespecting others and ignoring others needs.

Heal find a new therapist even try CBT
You don't need anyone's permission to take a break to recoup some mental wellbeing.

Thank you.

Can I ask what people think about this- at my last session my therapist said what about if ds wants to see my mum when he is older. She said that in a are-you-sure-you-want-to-withdraw way. And I keep thinking about this and worrying about it. I don't know what to think!

Well I would say when he's an adult he can make that decision but until then it's up to you isn't it ?

But it's likely he won't want to if he's as you've described here and he knows the truth from you.

When your ds is an adult he can make that decision but judging by who your mother is your ds as an adult may not have much time for her tbh. He'll be a grown up tho and can choose who is important in his life.

You have to live life in the now not the what ifs of the future your ds may not gain any sort of healthy long lasting relationship from her either even if she were to remain in his life! You know this women best and who she was as a parent to you and whether she was emotionally available.
What's that saying I've read here a lot : if they are too toxic for you they are too toxic for your dc

The assumption that mothers will want to risk contact again, would be a bit chancy if I were a mother in that position I wouldn't risk being hurt a second time. If you not see any point in seeing them and take the decision to go no contact, you will have already told them they were rubbish parents to take such a step and I can't see many people risking it. Better you both make a fresh start, it's no good putting a life on hold and once the trust has gone there is little point anyway.

When my DS got to five and started asking after my mum, I explained to him very gently that my mum isn’t very nice to me, and seeing her makes me feel very sad. It was hard, but as I said before it’s a very non-ideal situation.

I am actually really surprised at your therapist. I personally don’t think her advice has been good.

All I can say is I was basically treading water emotionally until I decided to break contact with my mother. I’d survive the last meeting with her, be depressed about the way she’d treated me, manage to recover just before I started dreading the next one. It was wave after wave of assault on my self esteem, recovering to a point, then another meeting. I also self harm and contemplated suicide in the past.

After my son was born she took an interest and I found it so hard to have boundaries with her over him. She would make him do really weird stuff, like encouraging him to go for a poo in our garden instead of taking him indoors. She’d paint with him but spill it everywhere, like all down the walls, and leave it for me to tidy up. And eventually it’s thanks to my son that I finally decided to cease all contact with her. I didn’t value myself enough, but I valued him. But still it took four years!

Laying down boundaries with abusive parents is hard. In my case, it was impossible.

Since I broke contact with her, my life has changed for the better in so many ways. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was under horrible pressure and control from her and I was unable to grow. I hope this makes sense. Like every thought and emotional energy was used up just trying to cope with this weird, toxic relationship that caused me so much shame and guilt. Even being given a birthday present by her used to make me feel guilty, the slightest nice thing she did. Because I felt worthless and (whether deliberately or not) she’d done that to me.

Since then I have tapped into my anger slightly, which i believe is a step in the right direction. I believe depression and self harm is anger that you’ve turned inwards upon yourself. And various other relationships and friendships have improved. It’s like I can see things clearly for the first time, the way ‘normal’ people look at the world isn’t so violently black and white, it’s generally much calmer, more open, gentler and kinder.

I wanted to share this, OP, in case any of it helps. I don’t want to project my stuff on you but I remember I was so scared - disbelieving - about the idea that I could cut her out of my life, I actually needed my therapist to support me. My self esteem was so low. I looked at her as someone whose judgement I could trust, because my own judgement had been so skewed and shame-ridden.