Therapist wants me to see my mum but I don't want to.

[ChocolatePHD]

I am v low contact with my mum and have been for a year when my brain finally broke over her being complicit in the childhood abuse at the hands of my stepdad, and her also not being there for me even after the stepdad left the scene, and various times of exploding at me because I wouldn't do what she wanted and trying to manipulate me.

Life has been much better without her around but she adores my ds so she has him once a month for the afternoon. She has pushed for more than that but I've said no.

And the reason for that is boththat I don't want her emotional fuckwittage messing with my head anymore (I have a lot of resulting mental health problems) and also that every time I am confronted with her at my door it really affects me. For the week prior I feel really down and low. Yesterday I felt so down I wanted to cry all day and felt so irritable that it was unbearable and I was desperate to self harm. (But won't, I am a responsible parent). I had to take a Valium to calm down. My dh always offers to do the handover at the front door but my therapist encourages me to be strong and face her, which I've always done until now, but it makes me feel so horribly anxious and upset for days before and after, I just don't know if it's worth it?! My therapist keeps saying that this will become easier with time but it hasn't at all, and actually this pick up will be even more awkward as my mum blew up at me the other week because I said no to her bringing ds' presents round at his bedtime. I offered her loads of other options but she was really arsey and rude and told me it was very upsetting and other bullshit to try and manipulate me. I stood my ground but it was so shit and made me really angry. And now I'm supposed to face her tomorrow after that and everything else? I don't want to. And dh won't be at home tomorrow as a buffer/ support either.

I should just say that this is the one thing I disagree with the therapist about, she has absolutely changed my life and gave me the courage and conviction that walking away from mum was the right thing to do. I'm just not sure I should keep subjecting myself to this. What do you think?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Not surprised unfortunately that you got such a response from your so called mother (I would have advised you to write that letter but not send it). Par for the course with such toxic people who never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Letters too are ideal ammo for such people also to go on the defensive and that is what happened here too.

Presumably your own FOG caused you to allow her to see your son a bit. That was also a mistake but it can be rectified by neither of you seeing her any more. You owe this woman precisely nothing, after all she stood by and watch your stepfather abuse you. There is no excuse or justification for her actions.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your mother rather than the one you actually got.

It is not your fault she is like this; you did not make her that way. Your continued self preservation here is necessary, your mother should not be in your lives in any way any longer.

[EmeraldIsle100]

I agree that you should cut her out of your life. You have come a very long way in your recovery and you dont need to be in a situation where several days a week her visit causes you massive anxiety. Focus on your own family and learn to love your life without her in it.

Your therapist is wrong.

[Sweetbell]

chocPHD your mental wellbeing is the most important thing here.
It needs minding for you to be able to be a loving and present parent.
I know for me being dragged backwards into the fog of a an abusive childhood was taking away moments I could have had with my DC. I've fought hard in counseling and CBT to live in the now to be the parent I didn't have and going NC was only way I could hold onto that new found peace.
I've no more time for drama , backstabbing or flying monkeys (siblings passing on insults/denials from mother) My own head has space now on the inside, no more junk or over thinking or pity. A weight was lifted that I didn't realise I was carrying.

Enjoy your son have a family day out make memories with him. You don't have to go thru that turmoil again of handovers give yourself permission to knock them on the head.

[rosabug]

Well if you have tried - and I totally understand about the unsatisfying reply - then maybe you should cut her out of your life. I don't think this on-going stress is worth it for you. I really don't.

This may sound a bit mystical - but things didn't start to improve for me until I hit rock bottom and then found myself inventing my perfect mother in my head who began to look after me and replace the frustrating vacuum that was my real relationship with my mother. I loved my real life flawed mum but the 'mum' who took care of me was actually in my head. And I imagined her to be a version of myself - but all together brilliant beautiful forgiving and supportive in every way. At night she would cuddle me (in my head!!) Does this sound weird?? Very healing.

[ChocolatePHD]

It really helps reading all your thoughts and experiences, truly. So thank you for sharing them. You're really hitting home to me on the self preservation front; it has been a huge success to make this much progress where I won't stand for her crap and won't pussyfoot around her, and staying away from her has been a big part of that as being in her presence makes me crumble into this little girl who is too afraid to say no. But when I stay away I stay strong. Does that make sense? I think partly my therapist was trying to get me to feel strong both with her and away from her, but the trauma is too strong and also, what's the point? I don't want to hang out with her. It's a shitty situation, end of.

Rosabug, I totally getyou. I often listen to how my 'inner child' feels- me aged 7 or 8- and do what she needs. Similarly I try to be my own best friend and become the mother I should have had for my son. I try to also take care of myself and comfort myself when I need it.

[EmeraldIsle100]

'When I stay away I stay strong'. You instinctively know what's best for you. You are a brilliant mum!

[Anatidae]

I sort of understand what your therapist is trying to achieve - you standing up to her when she's in your space (at your door.)

Having said that, I think it's misguided. You will not find peace by continuing to send your son out to her and being 'ok' doing it.

Every time he goes out with her your own trauma is re triggered because you see your son being let with someone who harmed you. It's a constant reliving of it - no wonder you're unhappy.

You might however find peace in stopping your son seeing her - because you will mentally break that cycle. I think now you're still feeling helpless, like it has to continue (because otherwise you will risk the wrath/upset/emotional blackmail.)

You realising that it doesn't have to continue, that you have both the power, and the right, to stop it, is probably the point you will start feeling better.

It will not be easy. You can do it. You owe her thoughts and feelings nothing - your sole responsibility is to yourself, and to your son. I think if you stop letting her take your son you are going to mentally find yourself 'saving' (probably the wrong word - protecting? Standing up for?) your inner little girl too.

[ChocolatePHD]

Cuddled up watching Willy Wonka with ds, feeling v comforted by that and all your replies. Thank you massively.

[ChocolatePHD]

Thank you emerald!

Anatidae- everything you said is so true!!!!!

Ds just went and got me extra cushions and his blanket for the sofa. ❤️

[Joysmum]

I often listen to how my 'inner child' feels- me aged 7 or 8- and do what she needs

Your inner child is the same age as your son and that's probably opened new wounds.

My daughter is the age I was when I was assaulted and that's raised my anxiety levels.

[ChocolatePHD]

Joysmum yes you're right. I started seeking therapy a year ago because I saw so much of myself in him and I was getting flashbacks while caring for him, and sitting there looking at him in disbelief that someone could hurt him/ stand and watch it. A lot of bad dreams too. Very upsetting. I'm guessing you experienced similar? I'm so sorry for what you've been through and are still struggling with. People on the outside of this sometimes say 'it was years ago, let it go' but it doesn't go does it?

[Lottapianos]

Wouldn't it be nice if you could just flick a switch and just 'let it go'?! These people and their fatuous advice really don't help anyone but themselves. Feelings are just a bit more complicated than that as we a know

OP, your thread has helped me a lot, I hope you dont mind me saying that. I spent 7 years in therapy altogether because of my emotionally abusive parents and I'm probably not done yet. They are still in my thoughts way more than I would like. I like the advice to really consider what your inner child needs, and give it to them if you can. A lot of this is about learning to parent yourself, which is desperately sad, and not something that anyone should have to do. You deserve so much better than the mother that you have, who only seems capable of considering her own needs. Having a mother like that is heartbreaking, and deeply disturbing. It sounds like you are on a very different path with your son, and these things don't happen by magic, so please be proud of that

[ChocolatePHD]

Lottapianos im glad that reading all this has helped you! I got the inner child thing from a great book called the anxiety and phobia workbook. I had a lot of problems with my identity for years and didn't recognise myself in photos etc, so reconnecting to my roots was useful to get back to the core of who I am. It also helped me see what I needed; when I was NC with my mum and considering whether I should arrange to meet up with her and try to establish some sort of situation going forward, I could picture me as a child running off to hide terrified! So that was a big wake up call. We are still the same person inside even if we have grown up and what we go through as a kid is still within us. We are still vulnerable because of those experiences so it really helped me to visualise myself as a 7 year old to help take care of myself and comfort myself. I also have an old teddy bear who I still cuddle because I still need that kind of comfort, lame as that sounds. It's almost as if I didn't develop fully as an adult because I was so malnourished emotionally as a kid. I feel embarrassed admitting that but it's true.

And thank you re parenting my son. I've been told I've bucked the trend in that sense; not passing on the shitness that happened to me. But that's the last thing I could ever imagine doing. I love that kid more than life itself and I'm determined to devote myself to him entirely.

I hope you continue to find strength and peace. Best of wishes to you.

[ChocolatePHD]

Sorry to post here again. Just helps to get it all out. I've been contemplating walking totally away from my mum and feeling so sad inside.like I'm mourning her. I'm remembering stupid shit like the smell of her skin when she hugged me and the shape of a scar on her arm, how sometimes she would make me feel relaxed and cheered up. The relationship has always been such a mix of extremes hence why it has always fucked with my head.

The whole thing is so so hard. It would have been far better and easier for me if she'd have just picked a lane and been all bad or all good. Sometimes she was there and sometimes she wasn't. When she wasn't it broke my heart and it was often during times when I really really needed her. Andother times she dropped everything to help. I don't understand. Why why why

[Aussiebean]

You are in mourning. Mourning for the mother you deserved and always hoped for.

It is so hard to understand why they are the way they are. I guess she was good when you were doing what she wanted. Behaved the way she expected and said what she wanted to hear.

The moment you stepped away from that the nasty would come out to make you step back in line.

The problem is, what she wants always changes and doesn't make sense. So you are always on your toes and on edge.

And don't apologise for asking for advice. Many of us get it and wished we had someone in our past who told us that our mothers were wrong about us. So when we get a chance we share the knowledge to help someone who is going through the same we give it freely.

[ChocolatePHD]

The times she didn't want to know were the times when I was at all intruding upon her relationships. She wouldn't see me When I got home from the hospital having almost killed myself through severe self harm and needed 10 stitches because her partner wanted to paint the hallway. That's one throwaway example but I could give tons.

I just came up to bed and saw the little cuddly monkey my son bought me for Mother's Day (I love monkeys). And I thought now this, this is real family. This is true love. My dh and my ds who are there every bloody day and make me feel so fuckig special and shocked that anyone would ever love me like that. Crying a lot now. I'm sorry for going on everybody. Thank you for being there.

[EmeraldIsle100]

My DD was suicidal and self harmed. Any loving mother would have had nothing but concern and I am really sorry you were treated so badly. If I was your mum I would have done everything I could have done for you.

You are a wonderful mum despite everything that happened and you will never let your child down ever. Could you try to view yourself as a strong warrior who survived and succeeded?

I got counselling over my DD's suicide attempts and the counselling was such a game changer. I am no longer living in constant fear and I am choosing to live a hopeful life. Have you had counselling? You are not responsible for what happened to you and you can live a happy life.

[ChocolatePHD]

Could you try to view yourself as a strong warrior who survived and succeeded?

I really love that. Thank you.

I'm really sorry to read what happened to your daughter. I hope she is doing better now.

I've been through a lot of therapy since the SH major episode which was ten years back, and my MH is stable now. My mum got arsey with me when I pointed out how she hadn't been there when I was ill, she said she had been so upset about it that she had a few days off work. This despite the fact that she hadn't let me stay at her house during it or hadn't bothered seeing me.

Anyway. I feel a bit stronger this morning. I'm trying to not let it keep going round and round in my head cos what's the point? It is what it is and there is stuff I can't forget or forgive. That won't change. So somehow I have to move forward and concentrate on my own family. Like a warrior.

[Lottapianos]

Crying is good OP. It's a healthy response to grief and sadness. Let it out. It feels hideous at the time but is ultimately very healing

[Mittens1969]

I once had a therapist who was a highly trained psychologist, she had done some very key work with me on my childhood SA, but she got a bee in her bonnet about one specific character who was still alive. I wasn’t at all clear what he had done (the memories were suppressed for years), but she went on at me to report my past to the police before I was ready. I’d already reported one incident to the police and I’ve reported everything now.

So I would definitely agree that if your therapist is overstepping the mark, you should 100% change your therapist.

FWIW, my childhood was similar to yours, it was my father who along with others abused my DSis and me; but my DM didn’t know about it. My DB joined in the abuse and I’m virtually NC with him. It’s horrible and in your case it sounds like going NC is probably the way to go, but only you can decide this.

Don’t feel you have to have her in your life, though.

[ChocolatePHD]

Hi all.

So a little update. I decided to email my mum and tell her I can't have her kicking off at me and trying to manipulate me if I don't do what she wants (which she did over coming round at ds bedtime the other week) or sending me emotional texts. I said if this stuff happens I can't carry on with this (low contact, her sometimes seeing ds).

I felt so upset a few days ago that I was imagining biting part of my hand off and all the blood and gore. I've got a long previous history of having to go on antipsychotics for this shit and I am not willing to go downhill.

I strongly suspect she will reply angrily or in a 'poor me' fashion, neither of which will be received happily by myself, but at least I said my bit and gave her a chance to rectify things rather than me just say sod off. I don't think this will be rectified as she hasn't been able to take much responsibility so far.

Despite everything I feel sad. She has many good points and can be nice to spend time with. It's just the bad bits fuck with my MH so severely. I'm nearly 40, enough is enough.

Anyway. Thanks everyone for listening and sharing and helping. X

[Lottapianos]

Well done OP, for having your say, for being clear and direct with her. How she responds is down to her and you can't control it as you know. But good for you for taking control and setting a boundary - it can be terrifying with parents like this.

Re your imagining hurting yourself, I can relate. I went through a stage in therapy when I had urges to cut myself with a knife, and could imagine myself doing it, even down to the specific knife I would use. It was deeply unsettling and telling my therapist was very scary. I felt very ashamed. She helped me to see that it was part of the despair and utter hopelessness I felt about my relationship with my parents. This made it much easier to deal with my thoughts, and not act on them

Of course you're sad. She's your mum. It's totally natural to want and need things from her and to feel sad that she can't give them. It takes a long time to work towards accepting that. You're doing great. Well done for sticking up for yourself and DS x

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

She will undoubtedly now go on the offensive and will see this e-mail from you as an attack on her character. Be prepared indeed for a backlash from her. I can understand why you sent it but you are a reasonable person who is dealing with someone who cannot and does not ever do reasonable. Therefore the "normal" rules of familial engagement here go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families like your family of origin. Sending this therefore has basically given her an "in" to bother you even more. Do not respond to any e-mail reply from her going forward. If she turns up on your doorstep do not answer the door.

Toxic people like your mother really do not ever apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. She really does need to be banished completely from your and your DS's lives. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and toxic people like her become toxic as grandparent figures also.