Therapist wants me to see my mum but I don't want to.

[ChocolatePHD]

I am v low contact with my mum and have been for a year when my brain finally broke over her being complicit in the childhood abuse at the hands of my stepdad, and her also not being there for me even after the stepdad left the scene, and various times of exploding at me because I wouldn't do what she wanted and trying to manipulate me.

Life has been much better without her around but she adores my ds so she has him once a month for the afternoon. She has pushed for more than that but I've said no.

And the reason for that is boththat I don't want her emotional fuckwittage messing with my head anymore (I have a lot of resulting mental health problems) and also that every time I am confronted with her at my door it really affects me. For the week prior I feel really down and low. Yesterday I felt so down I wanted to cry all day and felt so irritable that it was unbearable and I was desperate to self harm. (But won't, I am a responsible parent). I had to take a Valium to calm down. My dh always offers to do the handover at the front door but my therapist encourages me to be strong and face her, which I've always done until now, but it makes me feel so horribly anxious and upset for days before and after, I just don't know if it's worth it?! My therapist keeps saying that this will become easier with time but it hasn't at all, and actually this pick up will be even more awkward as my mum blew up at me the other week because I said no to her bringing ds' presents round at his bedtime. I offered her loads of other options but she was really arsey and rude and told me it was very upsetting and other bullshit to try and manipulate me. I stood my ground but it was so shit and made me really angry. And now I'm supposed to face her tomorrow after that and everything else? I don't want to. And dh won't be at home tomorrow as a buffer/ support either.

I should just say that this is the one thing I disagree with the therapist about, she has absolutely changed my life and gave me the courage and conviction that walking away from mum was the right thing to do. I'm just not sure I should keep subjecting myself to this. What do you think?

[ChocolatePHD]

I think she does feel guilt, Aussie. She has said several times over the years that she should have got me out of there and she is so sorry. However I honestly don't see her having changed much as a person and if we were in the exact same situation now I still believe she'd act the same way. And she is still a loose cannon which puts me on edge.

Her guilt has always been tied up in her own low self esteem and 'should haves', but she had ample chances to act differently. Years of chances. How much do you let go of as the recipient of all this stuff.

Don't worry springy. I've appreciated everyone's input.

[springydaffs]

How can you know that Aussie?

This is an example of demonising. It is not helpful for op's current and long term mental health.

I'm sorry you are confused by what I posted up thread op. It looks like you've had some great support since xx

[Lottapianos]

'It’s very painful for people like us to be misunderstood, because we’re constantly second guessing and doubting the validity of our feelings, anyway!'

SO TRUE! It really hurts so intensely, especially when it's someone who 'should' understand us, like a close friend or therapist

OP, yet again, huge well done. I know this is all dreadfully painful for you but you keep on making the choice to put yourself and your needs first. I promise you that this gets easier with practice.

[Aussiebean]

I doubt she is feeling any guilt for what she put you through and what she allowed to happen to you. She is not worried about your feelings.

So if she can't give any thought to you, then you should give her the same amount.

[llangennith]

No matter how strong you are your mother will always get under your skin because you've obeyed her all your childhood. You don't have face her if you don't want to.
Trust your instincts.
Stop feeling any guilt towards your mother and go NC if that'll make you happier.
I moved 150 miles away from my mother in my 20s with 3 young children. Hard but saved my sanity.
I missed what I'd never had anyway, love and support.

[ChocolatePHD]

I know exactly what you mean.

Ok so I just texted her to say I feel like I need some time to myself as the last few weeks haven't been easy and I'll talk to her when I feel better. And then I blocked her numbers again.

Oh she will think of me badly, there will be tears, there will be thinking I'm a cow for not allowing a ds visit, which is hugely upsetting, but all I'm in control of is taking care of my mental health and my own little family. I can't control if she is going to be emotional or instead have a go at me or whatever, and because I'm so sensitive to it all I need to stay away.

I so wish it wasn't this way. It's heartbreaking.

[humanfemale]

Didn’t mean to speak for you there! I’m my experience it’s been very painful. Like when I used to try to speak to friends about my mum and they would say something like, ‘oh, I’m sure she means well.’

It was honestly like a kick to the stomach.

[humanfemale]

Your therapist does not get it. At all. It’s very painful for people like us to be misunderstood, because we’re constantly second guessing and doubting the validity of our feelings, anyway!

[ChocolatePHD]

Humanfemale I recognise myself in so much of what you said.

It's like every time I'm in my mums presence for even a minute I crumble into this awkward self-loathing horribly self conscious girl who is so ashamed of herself that she is afraid to speak. Basically me aged 7 onwards when I lived at home. She has bent over backwards at times over the years doing bloody cleaning for me/ helping me out shelves up etc but it can't erase the damage. She was so fucking uncaring for years and I will always remain that scared ashamed girl around her, frozen as a 7 year old. Ooh that was a bit of a lightning bolt there. I hadn't realised that before.

It's very very unpleasant being stuck in that place. To say the least. I feel paranoid about everything I say and terrified that everything I do or how I live my life/ have my home/ wear my clothes is being judged. Because I know the truth- she does judge, she does criticise. And it makes me extremely bloody uncomfortable. Why would I want to be confronted with that?

Do you know that my therapist suggested to me a few weeks back I should invite my mum in to my house, almost to challenge me feeling awkward and paranoid in her presence (because I was always terrified of her judging how I have my home). Well why would I want to do that?! Rather than try and prove something to myself maybe I just don't want to be around someone all judgy like that and don't want to give her he satisfaction of casting her eye round my house? Maybe I don't want to cultivate anything with her so what's the point of inviting her in anyway? Surely it's natural not to want to be around someone who you know slags off everyone around her from their home decor to their clothing sizes?!

[humanfemale]

Oh I forgot I wanted to say one more thing!

Others seem to have understood no-contact as something that could eat away at you, and be a negative barrier to forgiveness and peace with yourself.

This isn’t how I feel at all. Breaking contact with my mother represented me finally being honest and real about the fact that her behaviour (which she couldn’t or wouldn’t change) and my happiness are utterly incompatible. They always had been, which is why my childhood was a bloody misery!

Good luck, OP. I really do feel for you.

[Joysmum]

I chose to go no contact with my grandparents as I loathe them and their type.

My mum at the time didn't want to go no contact and wanted to take my 14 year old to visit them. I was fine with that. I didn't go into the detail of why I didn't see them, just said they weren't my sort of people and that it would be good for her to see her nans parents.

She got back and has seen no reason to go back again. Since then my poor mum has realised how poisonous they are and only contacts them infrequently.

I'm glad my dd went and one day she'll ask again why I don't see them and I'll tell her as she's old enough.

Mind you, they are just despicable people, she'd never be in danger from them.

[humanfemale]

When my DS got to five and started asking after my mum, I explained to him very gently that my mum isn’t very nice to me, and seeing her makes me feel very sad. It was hard, but as I said before it’s a very non-ideal situation.

I am actually really surprised at your therapist. I personally don’t think her advice has been good.

All I can say is I was basically treading water emotionally until I decided to break contact with my mother. I’d survive the last meeting with her, be depressed about the way she’d treated me, manage to recover just before I started dreading the next one. It was wave after wave of assault on my self esteem, recovering to a point, then another meeting. I also self harm and contemplated suicide in the past.

After my son was born she took an interest and I found it so hard to have boundaries with her over him. She would make him do really weird stuff, like encouraging him to go for a poo in our garden instead of taking him indoors. She’d paint with him but spill it everywhere, like all down the walls, and leave it for me to tidy up. And eventually it’s thanks to my son that I finally decided to cease all contact with her. I didn’t value myself enough, but I valued him. But still it took four years!

Laying down boundaries with abusive parents is hard. In my case, it was impossible.

Since I broke contact with her, my life has changed for the better in so many ways. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was under horrible pressure and control from her and I was unable to grow. I hope this makes sense. Like every thought and emotional energy was used up just trying to cope with this weird, toxic relationship that caused me so much shame and guilt. Even being given a birthday present by her used to make me feel guilty, the slightest nice thing she did. Because I felt worthless and (whether deliberately or not) she’d done that to me.

Since then I have tapped into my anger slightly, which i believe is a step in the right direction. I believe depression and self harm is anger that you’ve turned inwards upon yourself. And various other relationships and friendships have improved. It’s like I can see things clearly for the first time, the way ‘normal’ people look at the world isn’t so violently black and white, it’s generally much calmer, more open, gentler and kinder.

I wanted to share this, OP, in case any of it helps. I don’t want to project my stuff on you but I remember I was so scared - disbelieving - about the idea that I could cut her out of my life, I actually needed my therapist to support me. My self esteem was so low. I looked at her as someone whose judgement I could trust, because my own judgement had been so skewed and shame-ridden.

[Quelto4]

The assumption that mothers will want to risk contact again, would be a bit chancy if I were a mother in that position I wouldn't risk being hurt a second time. If you not see any point in seeing them and take the decision to go no contact, you will have already told them they were rubbish parents to take such a step and I can't see many people risking it. Better you both make a fresh start, it's no good putting a life on hold and once the trust has gone there is little point anyway.

[Sweetbell]

When your ds is an adult he can make that decision but judging by who your mother is your ds as an adult may not have much time for her tbh. He'll be a grown up tho and can choose who is important in his life.

You have to live life in the now not the what ifs of the future your ds may not gain any sort of healthy long lasting relationship from her either even if she were to remain in his life! You know this women best and who she was as a parent to you and whether she was emotionally available.
What's that saying I've read here a lot : if they are too toxic for you they are too toxic for your dc

[Youcanttaketheskyfromme]

But it's likely he won't want to if he's as you've described here and he knows the truth from you.

[Youcanttaketheskyfromme]

Well I would say when he's an adult he can make that decision but until then it's up to you isn't it ?

[ChocolatePHD]

Thank you.

Can I ask what people think about this- at my last session my therapist said what about if ds wants to see my mum when he is older. She said that in a are-you-sure-you-want-to-withdraw way. And I keep thinking about this and worrying about it. I don't know what to think!

[Sweetbell]

Give yourself permission to take a break from bowing to your mothers demands. Review the situation in a couple of months time just see it as healing space from now not cutting her off completely.
You are struggling, there is an internal conflict going on between you the daughter and you the parent.
You need to heal first before dealing with a person like you mother who is use to getting own way while disrespecting others and ignoring others needs.

Heal find a new therapist even try CBT
You don't need anyone's permission to take a break to recoup some mental wellbeing.

[ChocolatePHD]

Missbabs- yeah it's weird. My friends etc who know about ds' allergies are respectful and concerned about them. Ditto his asthma. If you truly care about someone that's how you are!

She is very snotty and judgemental about everyone and everything they do pretty much. Makes comments like 'most people Dont look good' and 'most people's houses don't look nice'. Makes comments about people's dress sizes. I could go on and on. So why would she be any different about someone's allergies.

[MissBabbs]

Imv the thoughtless and dismissive attitude to DSs food allergies is passive-aggressive behaviour to diminish and belittle your views.

[MissBabbs]

Taking responsibility for someone else’s happiness is something we do as ‘nice’ or ‘kind’ people but it is a bottomless pit, let alone for someone like your DM. She will never be happy enough that you can leave her to it.
And be aware as she ages health issues will come up - diabetes/ mild stroke/ fractured somethin or other and how will you ever walk away then. She will be needy possibly in pain, or claiming that she is, and more demanding of your time and then of your care. You need to get boundaries in place now.

[Quelto4]

There is so much projection in some of the posts, they are biased, not impartial, therefore not helpful, just inflaming an already poor situation.
As for the Therapist, if you just don't jel, find another one, just be sure it's not because she is not saying what you want to hear, if it is it's pointless going to one. Yes people are no use.

[Agentcoulson]

Chocolate glad you had a calm evening. Take care.

[ChocolatePHD]

Thank you for the pep talk everyone. I told my husband how I was feeling and we had a nice dinner and watched some funny tv shows. I feel somewhat calmer now.

I emailed my therapist to say I was having something of a crisis about what to do. For some reason I forgot to mention the SH thoughts! It was only a couple of months ago that I tied a belt around my neck and pulled it tight til I felt lightheaded while distressed about all this. Sorry if that was disturbing to read. I had no intention of ending things I just felt so distressed and blamed myself for everything. Reason for me mentioning it is to illustrate that my brain balance is fairly delicate and I have to put its needs first. I hope nobody thinks less of me for admitting I did that.

I suspect what I'll probably do is tell her in a few days that I need some space. And see how I feel during that space. Better I suspect.

Eddielizard yes she knows his food issues. She is just thoughtless and dismissive about these things.

[Aussiebean]

and how can I live with myself walking away? My mum already looks like a shell of a person.

I hate that

You are not responsible for her happiness. She chose your stepfather for her happiness. She chose to stay with him, for her happiness. She has conditioned you to be responsible for her happiness.


That is hot how it works. She is an adult who is responsible for her own happiness. If she wants a relationship with her gc then she needs to accept responsibility for her actions. As that is Unlikely, that is on her.

You are not responsible for her happiness!