Need words of wisdom... is this just me.

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

Okay so this is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance...

I have a very good male friend and for the purpose of this thread I shall name him headfuck.

We have been friends for around 5 years and the friendship has increased as the years have gone by. He's single, very traditional and honestly for me quite perfect.

He was by my side during a messy separation. A separation which is still ongoing as for many reasons we can't sell the house just yet. We do however live separate lives and have separate bedrooms etc.

So anyway. Headfuck (hf) as I said has been there throughout it all. My total rock. We went from spending all our time on group outings together to going out alone.
Meals, cinema, concerts. Just anything really. He even used to come and do my supermarket shop with me ffs.
He would meet me after work and we would just sit in the car and chat for hours.

We sent (and still do) a huge skint of texts. We talk every day and he calls me before he goes to bed without fail.
We have SO much in common. It's ridiculous and all of our friends have noticed it. I started to develop feelings but was worried it wasn't reciprocated so bottled it. Just carried on being friends who basically acted like a couple without the sex.

He had the opportunity to go and work away in America for a year in January and on our last night out I sobbed in the cab home. I was distraught.
He went and I did some serious thinking. I come clean and told him how I felt and that I couldn't continue this half life. That I wanted to be with him and if he didn't agree then when he's back to the UK we have to calm down all the contact as we will never find a partner being so heavily invested in eachother and even if we did. There wouldn't be a man or woman alive who would be comfortable with our level of friendship.
His answer was I don't see you that way because you've been married in the past, you have children (who he has met and idolises), and you're older than me. He agreed with essentially what I was saying but said when he meets someone and gets married it wants it to be their first time. First time to have children etc
I do kind of understand that I guess but he's 27 now. Most people will have a history. I am 34.

So at that point with him being so far away I thought I would create some distance. It hasn't worked.
He's coming back soon (Jan) and we still speak every day. In fact more on the phone that we ever have. I wake up to texts.
He tells me how much he misses me. That be will cry when he sees me. That he can't wait to hug me, smell me. Go out.

We have even booked a weekend away to the highlands in a remote cottage ffs. 2 bedrooms though i should add.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
He's very mature in some senses but immature in others. Deep down I think be feels the same but his ideals stop him. His family have passed comment on our friendship and informed him he's " too young to take on all I have" and I can see their point but what about the fact that I know I will never find someone who I have that connection with and I seriously doubt he will. He would never admit all this though I suppose.
I just know that forever I will look for him in anyone I try to replace him with if that's what it will take
And I truly believe he will be the same.

Also not sure if it's worth mentioning. I know he's very sexually inexperienced. Hasn't had sex for well nearly as long as me and that's a good few years lol.
So I don't know if that plays a part.

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this really. I just feel like I am cracking up with the you say one thing and act another way feelings. I need some MN wisdom

Name changed for his as I like to resemble a mature adult. Not a silly teen haha

I have a gay friend who doesn't want to be gay. He's always had close friendships with women and would always fall in love with an unattainable woman. And that was the reason why he couldn't consider being with someone else. A friend ended up being his girlfriend for a little while said they never had sex.

He always found reasons not to pursue a woman he claimed to fancy.

Well he does relieve himself and uses porn.

So the no contact lasted. He emailed from another account I didn't know he had saying I will give you space after this nut hear me out.
I don't feel ready for a relationship with you.
You have too much for me to take on and feel confident in doing so. I don't want to be another fuck up.
Ex being there is a big thing for me and who knows. Maybe I would feel different if he wasn't.
You mean the absolute world to me. I don't want to lose you but if you need me to leave you alone then so be it.

I haven't and will not reply.

Again, he is saying one thing and doing another then.

I can quite believe he hasn't had sex by the way he is behaving with you. Also he has admitted being terrified by it. Serious hang ups.

I would accept that email, not respond and move on. He has reiterated that you he won't 'take you on' . I don't think it's fair for him to say he is looking to move near you so you can spend more time together and how much he misses you. It is ridiculous and manipulative.

It's your children by another man that 's putting him off. Taking someone's children on can be really difficult. You tend to have much less of a bond with kids who aren't related to you, especially if they resent you in some way and see you as an invader.
He is probably too polite to say that and he might even like your kids but liking someone's kids from afar is totally different to living with them and raising them.

It’s not his feelings that the op has ‘too much baggage’ that are the problem. It’s his lack of boundaries and his manipulative behaviour.

In all of this though, he is not going to cut the apron strings, he isn't going leave and cleave with any partner.

If he changes his mind in the future when you. I longer with your ex you will still need him to grow a pair and face up to his mother...

That's a good answer from him in a way. It leaves you without a shadow of doubt that he definitely doesn't want a relationship with you, so you can finally make a clean break and move on.

Thing is, if a woman posted here that she had feelings for someone who was still coming through a messy breakup, who was still living with their ex and who had two children as a result of the marriage posters would be telling her not to get involved.

And the likelihood is that she would still be maintaining contact with him because of her feelings for him. Yes, he should back off, but equally if the OP has told him she wants space then she needs to have created the distance as well.

At no point has he told the OP she's spoiled goods, people on this thread have and then disingenuously attributed it to him to the extent the OP now thinks he thinks of her as spoiled goods when actually the OP is in a messy split at the moment with children in the mix which most people wouldn't be wise to go near.

He's now told the OP how he feels. What she needs to do is not reply. If he then persists he'll be worthy of the criticism...

He is using an email you didn't know he had .... hmmmm...? All is never as it seems I'm afraid 😳

Well when I say it's an email I didn't know about. I mean it was an email I didn't have which is the email he uses for where he works now.

It's now blocked now.

I had a missed call earlier too from an unknown number so I'm not sure if that was him or a sales call etc.

Nothing else though but I'm not holding my breath. I feel very sad already.

Well done op
It's going to be a hard road. If he doesn't want to let you go you're going to have to find strength from within
Try and imagine if you want to be in this same place in years to come

Dont be sad op. If he really wants to be with you he will make it happen. He will fight for you. If he doesn't then you've got your answer and you can start to move on.
Sending you strength because you will need it.

Good luck. You've done well. Stay strong. You deserve so much better

So has he left you alone menarefrommars ??

Well yes in a sense directly

However he was speaking to a colleague today over email and asked him if I was with him. Colleague said yes and he told him to tell me he "misses me"

Oh yuck. For christs sake, how unprofessional did that make you look, I would be mortified!

That's a No then. He is still ignoring your request to leave you the fuck alone. Going through somebody else to ensure you are still thinking about him. Pathetic, and unprofessional. You do see that I hope.

Yes I know

This is also a colleague that has thought for a while that we are a couple because of how we were together. So that probably just added fuel to the fire.

I felt like saying you do know hf and I aren't a thing. He just likes to act like we are and then retreat. Then pester me because he misses me.

However I thought better as I already felt like I was in the playground when my colleague came over and said "ermmm hf said he misses you"

Sorry only read your first post, but take it from me, from my bitter experience: block him out of your life NOW.

He isn't seeing you. He's allowing sexist misogynist ideas to get in the way of appreciating what you & he have. His loss -as pp have said, he sees you as "tainted goods" not as you. Fuck that.

The no sex thing is a huge red flag.

I could be projecting, but I was in love with someone who basically behaved like this and wasted my best fertile years. At least you have children already. No sex is a huge red flag, although I thought we were being soooo romantic and idealistic at the time. I was a fool.

Dump and block this man. He doesn't see YOU - he allows his sexist ideas (they are not ideals, they are nasty ideas) to cloud and obscure what you offer him.

You are far far better than this. Please believe me!

You are doing really well!

He will probably ask for feedback from colleague about what you said too.

It is best to just be breezy when this happens even if you don’t feel it.

I said "awwww so sweet"

However my face was probably not matching the words. Haha

Giantsteps I'm so sorry you went through all this too

I was actually thinking today actually how he's ignoring all that we have
And making out my children. My world are a problem. He's the only problem.
Needs to grow up and grow a pair.

Doesn't mind days out with us to Thorpe etc. Just can't step up.

He once said that he couldn't settle down with someone who had shagged about at uni/ early twenties and I thought well you're kind of limiting yourself there hf.

And when I say shagged about... I think he's actually after a virgin who's lived locked away and had no life.

What he's looking for is a woman to abuse through control and manipulation. What he's being doing with you, whether planned or not.

This is your chance to break away, move your life forward and actually find someone that will make you happy. Don't waste it second guessing him, and his motivation.

If you are strong now, and maintain your boundaries you may well get there sooner than you think.