Need words of wisdom... is this just me.

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

Okay so this is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance...

I have a very good male friend and for the purpose of this thread I shall name him headfuck.

We have been friends for around 5 years and the friendship has increased as the years have gone by. He's single, very traditional and honestly for me quite perfect.

He was by my side during a messy separation. A separation which is still ongoing as for many reasons we can't sell the house just yet. We do however live separate lives and have separate bedrooms etc.

So anyway. Headfuck (hf) as I said has been there throughout it all. My total rock. We went from spending all our time on group outings together to going out alone.
Meals, cinema, concerts. Just anything really. He even used to come and do my supermarket shop with me ffs.
He would meet me after work and we would just sit in the car and chat for hours.

We sent (and still do) a huge skint of texts. We talk every day and he calls me before he goes to bed without fail.
We have SO much in common. It's ridiculous and all of our friends have noticed it. I started to develop feelings but was worried it wasn't reciprocated so bottled it. Just carried on being friends who basically acted like a couple without the sex.

He had the opportunity to go and work away in America for a year in January and on our last night out I sobbed in the cab home. I was distraught.
He went and I did some serious thinking. I come clean and told him how I felt and that I couldn't continue this half life. That I wanted to be with him and if he didn't agree then when he's back to the UK we have to calm down all the contact as we will never find a partner being so heavily invested in eachother and even if we did. There wouldn't be a man or woman alive who would be comfortable with our level of friendship.
His answer was I don't see you that way because you've been married in the past, you have children (who he has met and idolises), and you're older than me. He agreed with essentially what I was saying but said when he meets someone and gets married it wants it to be their first time. First time to have children etc
I do kind of understand that I guess but he's 27 now. Most people will have a history. I am 34.

So at that point with him being so far away I thought I would create some distance. It hasn't worked.
He's coming back soon (Jan) and we still speak every day. In fact more on the phone that we ever have. I wake up to texts.
He tells me how much he misses me. That be will cry when he sees me. That he can't wait to hug me, smell me. Go out.

We have even booked a weekend away to the highlands in a remote cottage ffs. 2 bedrooms though i should add.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
He's very mature in some senses but immature in others. Deep down I think be feels the same but his ideals stop him. His family have passed comment on our friendship and informed him he's " too young to take on all I have" and I can see their point but what about the fact that I know I will never find someone who I have that connection with and I seriously doubt he will. He would never admit all this though I suppose.
I just know that forever I will look for him in anyone I try to replace him with if that's what it will take
And I truly believe he will be the same.

Also not sure if it's worth mentioning. I know he's very sexually inexperienced. Hasn't had sex for well nearly as long as me and that's a good few years lol.
So I don't know if that plays a part.

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this really. I just feel like I am cracking up with the you say one thing and act another way feelings. I need some MN wisdom

Name changed for his as I like to resemble a mature adult. Not a silly teen haha

[RandomMess]

Don't punish yourself by hearing all about his dating. Limit your contact with him if you can't bear to block him.

I really encourage you to message him something like "I need some space from you as your behaviour has been incredibly hurtful, I wish you well and I'll be in touch when I feel able to be your friend again" and then block.

[Musti]

Hey op. My gay friend ended up marrying a woman. He's religious so cannot accept his sexuality. It's not that simple when they're denying it to themselves as much as they are to other people and willing themselves to have feelings for the opposite sex.

[userxx]

Oh no!!!! I remember this thread, no words really apart from distance yourself until you can accept it. You've had these feelings for a long time, they are just not going to suddenly vanish because he's come out. Bloody hell :-(

[CryptoFascist]

Wow, what a selfish user he is. I'm so sorry he's wasted so much of your time.
No more, please. Your life is precious, please don't let this narcissistic idiot take up any more headspace.

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

At the moment he keeps saying to me " don't hate me" and " promise me things won't change"

Like again he's only worried about him in this situation and not giving me a thought at all.
I don't and never will hate him.
I can't see how we can get back from this. I don't want to lose him but I'm not sure I can ever feel the same again
Partly because for me a lot of what we had was evidently based on the attraction too. Shallow but true.

[RandomMess]

Reply "Of course things will have to change, can you start thinking about what this has done to be after everything you said in the past. I'm sure we will still have a different sort of friendship but for now I need space. I am really hurting so you need to respect where I am at now"

Seriously you need to set him straight and block him so get the space you need to recover. Every bit of communication is just plunging the knife in time and time again

[CryptoFascist]

I'd have to say something along the lines of - you led me up the garden path for years, you should have at least been honest that there would be no chance and that it was because of you, not made me feel like damaged goods because you didn't want to admit you're gay.
I really feel for you on this, he's basically used you as a beard.

[gustofwind]

what a complete shit.

Time to take back control. He's held you back for too long.

(hope the other stuff worked out)

[rosabug]

No No No. Your nickname was right. The thing is though - he IS in a relationship with you, only it's entirely on his terms, with necessary in-built distance, because the guy clearly has intimacy issues. The 'used goods' and age difference are convenient facts. If they weren't there, he'd find another way to keep you at bay.

You can't 'solve' people so that they can then give you what you need, (believe me I learned that the hard way). He has shown you who he is (a headfuck) - now see it and believe him.