Need words of wisdom... is this just me.

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

Okay so this is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance...

I have a very good male friend and for the purpose of this thread I shall name him headfuck.

We have been friends for around 5 years and the friendship has increased as the years have gone by. He's single, very traditional and honestly for me quite perfect.

He was by my side during a messy separation. A separation which is still ongoing as for many reasons we can't sell the house just yet. We do however live separate lives and have separate bedrooms etc.

So anyway. Headfuck (hf) as I said has been there throughout it all. My total rock. We went from spending all our time on group outings together to going out alone.
Meals, cinema, concerts. Just anything really. He even used to come and do my supermarket shop with me ffs.
He would meet me after work and we would just sit in the car and chat for hours.

We sent (and still do) a huge skint of texts. We talk every day and he calls me before he goes to bed without fail.
We have SO much in common. It's ridiculous and all of our friends have noticed it. I started to develop feelings but was worried it wasn't reciprocated so bottled it. Just carried on being friends who basically acted like a couple without the sex.

He had the opportunity to go and work away in America for a year in January and on our last night out I sobbed in the cab home. I was distraught.
He went and I did some serious thinking. I come clean and told him how I felt and that I couldn't continue this half life. That I wanted to be with him and if he didn't agree then when he's back to the UK we have to calm down all the contact as we will never find a partner being so heavily invested in eachother and even if we did. There wouldn't be a man or woman alive who would be comfortable with our level of friendship.
His answer was I don't see you that way because you've been married in the past, you have children (who he has met and idolises), and you're older than me. He agreed with essentially what I was saying but said when he meets someone and gets married it wants it to be their first time. First time to have children etc
I do kind of understand that I guess but he's 27 now. Most people will have a history. I am 34.

So at that point with him being so far away I thought I would create some distance. It hasn't worked.
He's coming back soon (Jan) and we still speak every day. In fact more on the phone that we ever have. I wake up to texts.
He tells me how much he misses me. That be will cry when he sees me. That he can't wait to hug me, smell me. Go out.

We have even booked a weekend away to the highlands in a remote cottage ffs. 2 bedrooms though i should add.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
He's very mature in some senses but immature in others. Deep down I think be feels the same but his ideals stop him. His family have passed comment on our friendship and informed him he's " too young to take on all I have" and I can see their point but what about the fact that I know I will never find someone who I have that connection with and I seriously doubt he will. He would never admit all this though I suppose.
I just know that forever I will look for him in anyone I try to replace him with if that's what it will take
And I truly believe he will be the same.

Also not sure if it's worth mentioning. I know he's very sexually inexperienced. Hasn't had sex for well nearly as long as me and that's a good few years lol.
So I don't know if that plays a part.

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this really. I just feel like I am cracking up with the you say one thing and act another way feelings. I need some MN wisdom

Name changed for his as I like to resemble a mature adult. Not a silly teen haha

Was wondering. Do you want to have children?

I really hope you can find some anger to deal with HF

He is using you. And you let him.

Ummmm....

I'm sure everyone here is right. But have you given any consideration to the idea that he just doesn't want to start anything with someone whose still living with someone else?

A year is a long time to still be living with a ex.

Yes I have 2 children.

I have thought this toffeelatte as he mentioned it before and at every opportunity he tells me to get away and be alone and happy. Maybe who knows. It's just coming up to 3am where he is, so I decided to send an email. I've kept it brief and explained that I need some distance and since my revelations earlier this year he has not given me any space.

I told him he will never meet anyone with us being this way and that he's not allowing me too and basically that it's all just a bit fucked up

So let's see if I get some space.

Posting just to add to the weight of opinion, it sounds like you are looking for a deluge to get you to make a very difficult decision.

You need to ghost him, before he meets someone who fits into his silly ideas about 'perfect'. Don't waste your life on this.

No offence but anyone wonder if he's feeling the same way. "She carries on like we're together but she's still living with the ex. Every now and then she throws a wobbler and says she's needs space but then we end up carrying on just the same as before."

I'm not great with relationships so I'm not sure how worthwhile my opinion is but I wouldnt start a relationship with someone still living with someone else however attracted I was to them.

Well done, have you blocked his email address and phone number? He is going to deluge with more deadfuckery if you don't! At the end of the day if he's desperate enough he can send you an old fashioned letter in the post.

I just remembered seeing this sort of dynamic before only the age gap was notably bigger - it wasn't nice to witness!

One day at a time what are you going to do today as a step of freedom? Can you catch up with a friend?

Everyone else has covered it well, but I just wanted to say that you are not "damaged goods" (bet he got that phrase from his mother!). You are not "goods" at all. Neither are you a practice dummy for flirting techniques. You are a human being: autonomous, independent and amazing. You have your own life, history and feelings. The things you have been through are what makes you who you are - the person he's supposed to be so fond of. That's not damage, that's maturing.

Ironically Toffeelatte neither would I... It would seem too odd.

I've blocked him on email, fb and his number. I know we will speak eventually but he needs to allow me to get used to living my life without him always there.

The damaged goods thing. That's what I hated about it all. Not damaged enough to spend all the time with me. Damaged enough to take it any further though.
He said once he had spoke to his mum about us and she had advised him not to try with me as I have too much baggage. When he told me this I remember at the time saying they're not baggage they are and * and named my children.

Oh and I was at his house once and him mum came and spoke to me while he was doing something to his car and asked how it was going with the ex. I said hmmm not great but getting there slowly and she replied well next time Menarefrommars you'll learn to keep your legs shut.

I said I beg your pardon and she laughed and said things would have been easier for you if you'd had children with someone else and not that twat you called a husband.

Anyway I was and HF came in and we went out. I told him what his mum had said and that I thought it was out of order and he said she's just frustrated.

I forgot about that you know. I remember feeling like I was on the set of little Britain or something at the time.
I do wonder if his mum wasn't such a weirdo he would be more confident in relationships full stop but then his brothers are both married so who knows.

He has got his weird hang ups from his mother obviously.

I used to think it was sweet how he was with his mum but since he's been in the states I've thought it's akin to Norman Bates to be honest. It's too much.

Just replying back to someone who asked if I would like to have more children. I would love to one day. I still feel broody and don't feel as though my baby days are over.

I can see why nothing has happened. I don't think he is necessarily a headfuck.

Damaged goods thing is that actually coming from you or him?

Not saying you shouldn't run a mile just because of the mother.

He's never actually called me damaged goods as I would probably punch him haha

But he has said he doesn't want a relationship with me due to that fact I've been married and had children.
That he needs that to be a first for someone he settles down with. I can see his point but I still think but everything else is so good.

He said they're the reasons stopping him. He's thought about what if but then goes back to why not etc

OMG his mother sounds awful! ‘Learn to keep your legs shut’ what a disgusting misogynistic thing to say.

Run away OP, this man has a shit load of issues and it’s pretty obvious why!

I don't really think it's wrong that he doesn't want a relationship with someone who already has children. He's only 27 and I'm sure there must be lots of people that age that wouldn't ideally want to take on a family.

But it is wrong that, knowing how you feel about him, he has continued this strong friendship that is breaking your heart.

Do you think he may have had other casual relationships, but kept them from you, out of consideration?

I'm glad you have told him and blocked him, he will either realise what you mean to him and step up, or have plenty of time to reflect on how much he hurt someone who cared about him very much.

You are making the right decisions, OP, and I think you should brace yourself for some major fishing to reel you back in, once he realises the dynamic has shifted.

Just a diff perspective, but could he be asexual?Just that it's pretty unusual to be voluntarily celibate for five years in one's twenties, and it seems like he is happy to have a close partnership with you but just without a sexual element.

You say he makes sexual references /innuendo but I think that might be a cover - I have a friend who is asexual and she tells a lot of risque jokes (which definitely feels like something she has learned to do to "pass" as sexual - asexuals face a hell of a lot of ignorance and prejudice).

He has had ample opportunity to make a move on you but hasn't - when he said "I wish I could come over right now" or whatever, that was "safe" because it was immediately followed with "but I can't bc your stbx is still there".

You say people get a gay vibe from him, but you don't think he is - could it be that he is asexual and that's what you're picking up on?

Asexuals are often perfectly comfortable with physical displays of affection - hugs, kisses, handholds, snuggling up, etc - but there isn't a sexual element to their enjoyment. So don't think "but surely if he was asexual he would find me TOTALLY REPULSIVE and never want to touch me" because that's not the case.

FWIW, I think he is asexual and hasn't realised it. He wants a close partnership with you, and knows that it is "expected" that this will become romantic/sexual. He doesn't want that (but can't admit it, or doesn't even realise asexuality is a thing, etc) so he creates fictitious reasons why it won't work between you - your kids and that you've been married before.

He won't let you go because he really does care about you, but knows that you need and deserve a fully sexual relationship which terrifies him. He also knows on some level that this is how all his relationships will work out - the other party will always end up wanting sex - so he really wants to hang on to you for as long as he can, because he knows how lonely he'll be when you finally realise you aren't going to get what you want.

TL:DR: you want different things. You need someone who wants the whole shebang, and he will be happiest in a partnership with another asexual.

I wondered yesterday about the asexual thing, he wants a romantic relationship with a woman but clearly doesn't have a raging sex drive or is gay and completely in denial.

As I said yesterday neither matter because he has huge Mummy issues and isn't kind to you - even as a friend, not telling his Mum how out of order she was, telling you these awful things!!!

Ahh now that's weird.

He is very tactile and touch feely but never sexual and his jokes are almost like a teenage boy sometimes.
But then other conversations we have had he seems knowledgeable and quite adventurous in what he wants etc.
He's told me he's had a few sexual partners but we were watching something on t.v. once and it was a documentary about orgasms or something
And they were going on about women's nipples getting hard the more aroused they got and he looked at me deadly serious and he said is that right?? At the time I thought hmmm that's weird.

And he says quite often that the thought of having sex (again?) Terrifies him.
The whole std worry
The fact people generally have some fun and try out the samples and could judge him.
Weird question as I don't know much about it but do asexual people masturbate?
Yet he gets very close in other ways. Strokes my hair, kisses my head etc.

He is always banging on about getting married and having children but it's not going to happen at this rate. He said last time he had sex he was 19. I don't think he would lie about it.

That he needs that to be a first for someone he settles down with. I can see his point

What? What point?! WHY does he HAVE to be the first? What an idiot.

My ExP who I share DS with had children from his previous marriage and I am now married to DH and expecting a DD on the way. We don't live in fucking 1860. This is real life.

Massive mummy issues indeed.

His mum could never say anything wrong so I would never expect him to jump to anyone's defence against her.

Well done on facing up to the fact that this attachment isn't meeting your needs. You know deep down you have to cut yourself loose, at least for next little while until you are over it and can move on to other things.

Don't feel bad because it sounds as though this friendship has served a purpose for you both and has offered you both comfort and support. It has been a safe place for you since the separation. However, if it continues it could well get messy.

Just let him know it is time to step back because you want to find a relationship which can be emotionally and physically fulfilling and you won't be able to while the thing continues with him.

Put yourself and your needs first.

I don't agree with his point at all.

I just can see his point with this thoughts and traditions when I watch the family dynamics.

You honestly honestly don't think he's had sex, in the last 6 years?

Come on!

And he will definitely have had sex whilst in the US.

You are being very, very gullible here.

Let's say it was true....then he's A sexual....do you want friendship only, and no sex? That's a non-starter, surely?

And see the "tainted goods" comment. You should have told him to fuck right off then, and walked away with your dignity intact.

Your children are NOT baggage, they are NOT tainted goods, ffs. How dare he?

My DH is a step father to my kids (who are 18 & 20 now). He has never called them anything other than his son and daughter.

This guy is a waste of your time and energy, he really is.

And every year that you waste day dreaming about him, and a life with him, WHICH IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, you are overlooking men who could be so right for you and would be delighted and honoured, to be allowed in to the inner sanctum of your little family. A man who would adore you, help you to parent your children, love your children, because they are an extension of you. He would be committed, by your side day in, day out, a proper partner in every way. He'd be at parents nights with you, school plays with you....he'd be in your bed every night, at your dinner table, there for every birthday/Christmas/holiday etc etc.

I am amazed that you didn't see his move away for an entire year, as an enormous hint that he thinks nothing, NOTHING of your relationship.

Sorry for shouting, but I'm so cross on your behalf.

Fwiw, I dated someone similar for about 10 months, before I met DH. Not exactly the same, in so much as there was a lot of sex and what not, but he was younger, and wouldn't commit. Comparing that man- child to my husband is like comparing night and day. My DH is a real, grown up. That is what you need to be looking for.

Please ditch this fairy.

Weird question as I don't know much about it but do asexual people masturbate?

Some do, some don't. For the ones that do, for some it's like a mechanical release thing that they masturbate occasionally, for some they are able to enjoy masturbation/become aroused, but have no interest at all in partnered sex. and some people do have a sex drive but it's extremely low and infrequent (think every couple of years infrequent) so even though they aren't technically "completely" asexual, in practice they operate as asexual.

The schoolboy jokes about sex rings a bell - as I say, my asexual friend's sense of humour is weirdly "old fashioned", as in, end-of-the-pier, bawdy, sex-as-a-joke , oo-er missus stuff. It misses the complexity of actual sex.