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Relationships

Need words of wisdom... is this just me.

234 replies

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 00:23

Okay so this is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance...

I have a very good male friend and for the purpose of this thread I shall name him headfuck.

We have been friends for around 5 years and the friendship has increased as the years have gone by. He's single, very traditional and honestly for me quite perfect.

He was by my side during a messy separation. A separation which is still ongoing as for many reasons we can't sell the house just yet. We do however live separate lives and have separate bedrooms etc.

So anyway. Headfuck (hf) as I said has been there throughout it all. My total rock. We went from spending all our time on group outings together to going out alone.
Meals, cinema, concerts. Just anything really. He even used to come and do my supermarket shop with me ffs.
He would meet me after work and we would just sit in the car and chat for hours.

We sent (and still do) a huge skint of texts. We talk every day and he calls me before he goes to bed without fail.
We have SO much in common. It's ridiculous and all of our friends have noticed it. I started to develop feelings but was worried it wasn't reciprocated so bottled it. Just carried on being friends who basically acted like a couple without the sex.

He had the opportunity to go and work away in America for a year in January and on our last night out I sobbed in the cab home. I was distraught.
He went and I did some serious thinking. I come clean and told him how I felt and that I couldn't continue this half life. That I wanted to be with him and if he didn't agree then when he's back to the UK we have to calm down all the contact as we will never find a partner being so heavily invested in eachother and even if we did. There wouldn't be a man or woman alive who would be comfortable with our level of friendship.
His answer was I don't see you that way because you've been married in the past, you have children (who he has met and idolises), and you're older than me. He agreed with essentially what I was saying but said when he meets someone and gets married it wants it to be their first time. First time to have children etc
I do kind of understand that I guess but he's 27 now. Most people will have a history. I am 34.

So at that point with him being so far away I thought I would create some distance. It hasn't worked.
He's coming back soon (Jan) and we still speak every day. In fact more on the phone that we ever have. I wake up to texts.
He tells me how much he misses me. That be will cry when he sees me. That he can't wait to hug me, smell me. Go out.

We have even booked a weekend away to the highlands in a remote cottage ffs. 2 bedrooms though i should add.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
He's very mature in some senses but immature in others. Deep down I think be feels the same but his ideals stop him. His family have passed comment on our friendship and informed him he's " too young to take on all I have" and I can see their point but what about the fact that I know I will never find someone who I have that connection with and I seriously doubt he will. He would never admit all this though I suppose.
I just know that forever I will look for him in anyone I try to replace him with if that's what it will take
And I truly believe he will be the same.

Also not sure if it's worth mentioning. I know he's very sexually inexperienced. Hasn't had sex for well nearly as long as me and that's a good few years lol.
So I don't know if that plays a part.

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this really. I just feel like I am cracking up with the you say one thing and act another way feelings. I need some MN wisdom

Name changed for his as I like to resemble a mature adult. Not a silly teen haha

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UmaKilledWilliam · 30/09/2017 16:52

With all due respect, if he is 27 and you are 34 that's not a large age gap. He's not exactly a baby compared to you. You are both grown ups now.

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/09/2017 17:22

Why not FaceTime him & talk to him in a way you can see his expressions etc. Ask him why he said in Jan that he doesn't see you as marriage material, but makes comments about what your children would look like or how different your house will be when you live together. About his brother being your future BIL. I think YOU need need to see/hear it directly from him before you'll believe it will never work out between you. I think no matter what anyone here says or how occasionally you convince yourself some posters are right, you won't actually be able to move on until you have it out with him.

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Cricrichan · 30/09/2017 17:56

I'm guessing he's gay but doesn't know or want to admit it to himself.

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Sohurt17 · 30/09/2017 18:04

He sounds like an intensely selfish person. Keeping your feelings on the hook to boost his ego and sense of power. Fuck him. What a dick! Be glad you never got to see it.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 20:16

The gay thing... my mum, dad, sister and brother have all met him numerous times and all have all said since all of this that they just instantly assumed he was gay. My mum and sister are convinced that he is and he won't admit it to himself.

My mum put it that why would a young, outgoing guy attactch himself to a woman 24/7 he has no interest in and in that while 5 years not have had one relationship or a casual fling. Because he's hiding from the truth.

I dunno though. I really don't get gay vibes from him at all. Kind of wish I did. I know he asked a girl out once about 6 years ago and she said no.
Someone else at work was chatting about him being back in Feb and another colleague said "ah as he found a nice girl while he's in the states" another male colleague who is gay piped up and said I don't think so... I would say headfuck certainly prefers the boys.

I just can't see it though and the sexual stuff he does say seems very not gay.


Selfish though. Yes it would appear so. I have just has trouble directing it as when he speaks to me I couldn't ask for a kinder sweet and hilarious person.
Yet standing back i can see his behaviour is massively selfish. Also very immature.

Something else worth mentioning. He despises and I mean despises the way " our generation shag around"
Doesn't get the casual sex and fuck buddy thinking. Would never have a one night stand. I remember saying to him way back " for Christ sake you're 22. Go and have some fun. They were the best years of my life" Wink
But no. He's also got an unhealthy way of obsessing about stds. Puts him off wanting sex.

The more I write the more outing I think this is. If he for whatever reason stumbled across MN he would know it's him.
Also the more i write the more I think how abnormal and strange his views are.

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RandomMess · 30/09/2017 20:35

So are you going to do it? Are you going to end the debacle that is making you ill?

He sounds gay but desperately doesn't want to be. That his issue to sort out, don't get more heartbroken than you are already!

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category12 · 30/09/2017 20:39

So he's really neurotic about stis too, on top of viewing you as spoiled goods and being a mummy's boy. You could never have a healthy relationship with this guy even if he wanted to.

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khanbal · 30/09/2017 20:39

He's Gay!!!! Omg seen this totally before!

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CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/09/2017 20:47

Now is the time to put all these questions and thoughts about him to one side and say, "you know what? It doesn't matter. I know he's a headfuck and I know I have to go no contact." And then you need to follow through.

Not only do you need to go no contact, but you need to stop obsessing about him. Get busy, see friends, fill your time with anything but thoughts of him.

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allegretto · 30/09/2017 21:05

It doesn't matter if he's gay. It really doesn't. He's either gay and not interested in having a relationship with you. Or straight and not interested in having a relationship with you. It's that simple. Please don't let him string you along like this.

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Worriedrose · 30/09/2017 21:08

It doesn't matter if he's gay
It doesn't matter if he's an abusive twat
It doesn't matter if he has issues of his own
It doesn't matter his relationship with his mum
It doesn't matter any of it
It matters how YOU feel
That's what matters, what you want
What you want

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House4 · 30/09/2017 21:09

Been there, done that. Mine wasn't gay, just a user and I was convenient. It was so hard to go No Contact and sooo glad I did. Now very happy with someone who adores me. Who would want anything else?
Spoilt goods?! BS*!
Put yourself first. Take back the power. Love the 'don't waste the pretty' quote! Imagine yourself in two years time looking back at all the time you wasted on him. You will feel soooo much better when you do it and you're on the other side.

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SteppingOnToes · 30/09/2017 21:11

I've been here - my best friend from growing up strung me along like this from being around 11 to being a day off 30. Bizarrely we ended up in bed together on my 30th birthday and it was actually that that helped me with closure. I never saw him again - I moved away to get away (400 miles - and left everything behind)

I'm now nearly 40 and still have emotional hangups because of it - I always question if someone really wants to be with me or if they're just stringing me along. It has ruined a few good relationships for me and I am now over the hill and single again :(

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CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/09/2017 21:17

Don't blame yourself for this - he clearly makes it so difficult to let go. If you can block so you're not even aware he's got in touch (I don't know enough about social media to know if this is possible) then that will make it all a lot easier. You can send a last explanation before the radio silence.

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TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 21:29

Tbh even if you did get together you sound completely incompatible. He doesn't want to be with someone with kids, and TBH I think anyone who says that means he sees you as spoiled goods is being grossly unreasonable, it's anyone's prerogative not to want to be in a relationship with someone who has children, and far better that they're honest about it from the outset.

But you also judge him for never having had a one night stand and not wanting to be a part of that culture. Equally there's nothing wrong with that. To each their own but it wouldn't be for many people, I've never had a one night stand and don't feel I've missed out for it.....

Either way you're clearly stalling for time as you posted this this morning and still haven't told him that you're going to end the friendship?

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 21:51

I don't judge him for never having a one night stand at all.
I judge him for being uptight about other people choosing to.

I do wonder if sex is a big issue here too. So that's why I mentioned it.

I did advise him years ago to go and have some fun. Like I did at uni etc. Wasn't suggesting he goes out shagging randoms every night but just let his hair down a bit. And that's only because he seemed fed up of sitting with his parents all the time.

And I haven't let him know yet as he's at work. He will no doubt phone me before I go to bed/when he leaves work and I will tell him then
Didn't feel appropriate over text or email.
I feel like I need to get it all of my chest and actually hear what he has to say without him having ages to think about what yo write in an email.

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MsPavlichenko · 30/09/2017 21:52

It's like a slow form of torture

This. What you said. You are allowing this situation to torture you. It really doesn't matter whether he is gay/bi/asexual or whatever. He is not a good or nice person. He is no sort of friend.

What matters is he is actually abusing you. You told him how you felt. H didn't reciprocate so you asked for him to leave you alone. He hasn't. In fact he ramped it up. He used your sister to get to you, which is classic controlling, abusive and stalker like behaviour. He knows perfectly well that he is keeping you hanging on, and he is stopping you moving on with your life.

You need to go cold turkey. Don't worry now about when he is back. Deal with it day to day. Send a brief, but unemotional message explaining that you want to drop contact . That you will be blocking his number/email etc. That you will be telling your friends/family not to pass on messages. That if he loves/cares for you as he claims to do so he will respect your wishes. And then get on with getting on. It will be difficult, but I suspect that when you are no longer in contact you might start to feel better fairly quickly.

If he does as you ask, then good. He is a better friend than most of us believe. If not, well you'll no for sure who he really is.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 21:56

Yes you're all completely right.
The spoiled goods thing, the being neurotic about stds etc the selfishness.

I'm so sorry that others have been through this too. It's easy for me to see he's selfish and cruel but at the same time he's nothing but nice to me and plays a complete blinder. Turning me down and being a possible closet gay, sti fearing selfish person i genuinely like how we connect. That's what I've found so hard to separate the feelings I have.
Would have been better if he was a total bastard but then if he had been I wouldn't be upset about what I will miss about him.

I will be doing it tonight though. It can't go on. It's not good for me. I don't think it's even good for him.

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Nazdarovye · 30/09/2017 21:58

I think it's rude, dumb and unfair to label someone gay just because they've been single for a couple of years. Based on this theory a large percentage of people could be assumed gay, including you OP.
I also don't understand why you call him selfish.

Loads of women rant about how there can be a lovely platonic friendship between a man and a woman but it seems like when it happens they don't want to accept that the guy doesn't fancy them and he wants nothing more than pure friendship. Platonic friendship my arse.

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Kr1s · 30/09/2017 21:59

I have known three men like this. Who were long term very close friends with a woman , everyone thought they were a couple.

All three were gay and came from a culture where being gay wasn't socially acceptable. One eventually came out and has a male partner. The others are still single and celibate with a female BF . At least one of these women spent years hoping the time would be right for them to be together and totally in Denial that their friend was gay.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 22:04

That's so right.
He didn't leave me alone. It was a couple of weeks before he started to try and contact me again and reflecting back he said it was because he didn't want to lose me as a friend and left me alone like I had asked because he didn't know what to say. But he missed me too much and wanted to go back to normal.

I told him then I could never sit and watch him with someone else and that it would be unfair to him and we have to be sensible and over time he's ramped it back up and I feel like I am drowning even more than ever.

He has to know this. I've turned people/friends down in the past and I spoke not be contacting them all the bloody time. " I miss you baby" etc and arranging a weekend away.
I would be polite and friendly but over all respectful of their feelings
He has not done this at all.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 22:07

I have many platonic friends. Many make friends.

Not one of them have told be about themselves getting their rocks off alone. Told me what they're into sexually.
Gone on a weekend away alone with.

Asked what I like in bed

There's a line and I was always more than happy for a platonic friendship until the lines got blurred on both sides.

And he is bloody selfish!

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Worriedrose · 30/09/2017 22:24

He's fucked with your head
I get that
It's so hard because when you next talk to him it will wipe away what we've all said
But please remember you deserve someone who gives you their whole self
Not just bits you want to hear to keep you stuck
And keeping you stuck is what he is doing
I am angry on your behalf, I don't know you or him. But I know you seem a kind empathetic person who I don't believe would do this to someone else.
As was said ages ago, don't expect him to behave as you would.
You are kind
I don't think he is
I will leave it at that, and I hope you can extract yourself from someone who doesn't deserve your total kindness and loyalty
Give it to someone who reciprocates it

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Worriedrose · 30/09/2017 22:27

I actually wish I was your friend in RL
then I would go up to him and tell him to fuck off in no uncertain terms that's how angry he makes me feel

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RandomMess · 30/09/2017 22:32

I will be asleep soon and with the time difference in the states I doubt we can be around to hand hold through this - I mean telling him.

Be strong, do this for you, you deserve so much better Flowers

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