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Relationships

Need words of wisdom... is this just me.

234 replies

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 00:23

Okay so this is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance...

I have a very good male friend and for the purpose of this thread I shall name him headfuck.

We have been friends for around 5 years and the friendship has increased as the years have gone by. He's single, very traditional and honestly for me quite perfect.

He was by my side during a messy separation. A separation which is still ongoing as for many reasons we can't sell the house just yet. We do however live separate lives and have separate bedrooms etc.

So anyway. Headfuck (hf) as I said has been there throughout it all. My total rock. We went from spending all our time on group outings together to going out alone.
Meals, cinema, concerts. Just anything really. He even used to come and do my supermarket shop with me ffs.
He would meet me after work and we would just sit in the car and chat for hours.

We sent (and still do) a huge skint of texts. We talk every day and he calls me before he goes to bed without fail.
We have SO much in common. It's ridiculous and all of our friends have noticed it. I started to develop feelings but was worried it wasn't reciprocated so bottled it. Just carried on being friends who basically acted like a couple without the sex.

He had the opportunity to go and work away in America for a year in January and on our last night out I sobbed in the cab home. I was distraught.
He went and I did some serious thinking. I come clean and told him how I felt and that I couldn't continue this half life. That I wanted to be with him and if he didn't agree then when he's back to the UK we have to calm down all the contact as we will never find a partner being so heavily invested in eachother and even if we did. There wouldn't be a man or woman alive who would be comfortable with our level of friendship.
His answer was I don't see you that way because you've been married in the past, you have children (who he has met and idolises), and you're older than me. He agreed with essentially what I was saying but said when he meets someone and gets married it wants it to be their first time. First time to have children etc
I do kind of understand that I guess but he's 27 now. Most people will have a history. I am 34.

So at that point with him being so far away I thought I would create some distance. It hasn't worked.
He's coming back soon (Jan) and we still speak every day. In fact more on the phone that we ever have. I wake up to texts.
He tells me how much he misses me. That be will cry when he sees me. That he can't wait to hug me, smell me. Go out.

We have even booked a weekend away to the highlands in a remote cottage ffs. 2 bedrooms though i should add.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
He's very mature in some senses but immature in others. Deep down I think be feels the same but his ideals stop him. His family have passed comment on our friendship and informed him he's " too young to take on all I have" and I can see their point but what about the fact that I know I will never find someone who I have that connection with and I seriously doubt he will. He would never admit all this though I suppose.
I just know that forever I will look for him in anyone I try to replace him with if that's what it will take
And I truly believe he will be the same.

Also not sure if it's worth mentioning. I know he's very sexually inexperienced. Hasn't had sex for well nearly as long as me and that's a good few years lol.
So I don't know if that plays a part.

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this really. I just feel like I am cracking up with the you say one thing and act another way feelings. I need some MN wisdom

Name changed for his as I like to resemble a mature adult. Not a silly teen haha

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JamOrCreamFirst · 30/09/2017 08:30

Waiting to tell him face to face to give you space is just an excuse to delay things. Never a better time to have that space than when he's in the US.

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FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 30/09/2017 08:33

He will eventually meet his significant other (male or female) & you will.be dropped like the proverbial hot potato.

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acornsandnuts · 30/09/2017 08:34

Stop making yourself available to him. You make the distance happen don't wait for him. Honestly your self esteem is going to nose dive at the relentless why am I not good enough thoughts. Honestly you need to move on.

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HappyGoFucky · 30/09/2017 08:36

I think sometimes when we want a relationship with someone we can see things that aren’t there. You might feel like deep down he wants the same thing as you but reading this as an outsider he quite clearly doesn’t.

He sounds a bit odd to be honest. He’s almost 30 not 17. He’s going to be hard pressed to find someone in that age bracket who doesn’t have some kind of history. And judging you for having children is immature at best and a bit twatty.

Like another poster said now is as good a time as any to put the distance between you, set yourself free and find someone who can provide you with the love and companionship you deserve

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HappyGoFucky · 30/09/2017 08:38

Also the ‘older than me’ thing. It’s not really a huge age gap is it? He sounds incredibly immature to be honest

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Earthsandwhich · 30/09/2017 08:54

I've been in a very similar situation OP - very similar (kids, separation, age gap). I can't even remember how many MN threads I've posted on the issue over the years under my old user name. To help you:

It didn't end well for me.

What happened was this - we got closer and closer and I was constantly confused and overthinking everything. Then - he met someone. Someone he was head over heals with but barely knew, and I got to watch from the sidelines as he fell in love. He also really pulled back from me - he didn't need me anymore.

We knew each other so well I just didn't understand, especially as he would tell me when he had problems with her, which as far as I could see were largely down to her falling off a pedestal and/or them getting to know each other once the lust bubble popped and not being quite who they thought each other was. It made me want to scream - don't you want to be with someone real? Someone you actually know? We're not as close, but he is still much more in touch when things aren't rosy with the other girl, which I hate - it makes me feel used, but I am still learning how to have better boundaries when this happens.

I have thought about it a lot since and have realised the following, which is probably also true for you:

  • Some people don't want to start a relationship knowing someone's flaws - someone real. They want the Disney Princess First Kiss Happily ever after dream. Nothing will change their mind until they learn the hard way. Nothing. People like us are put in the friend zone because there is no perceived "spark" and "intrigue".


  • Having kids (to some people without them) is really obvious baggage in their eyes, regardless of how much they like the children. It doesn't play into the narrative about how their life ought to be. It possibly put us out of their mind as relationship material from the outset and even though you become closer in the meantime, you never shift category in their mind.


  • If they get emotional support from you there is no need for anything else. This is where I continue to let myself down. I am still too available and it has really effected my self esteem.


HTH!
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Earthsandwhich · 30/09/2017 08:55

Sorry about the epic post!

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CraftyYankee · 30/09/2017 09:03

He's that close to his mother? And you remind him of his mother? Ewww.

That would have killed any attraction to him stone cold for me.

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Angelf1sh · 30/09/2017 09:04

You've already told him how you feel and he's said thanks but not interested. Why do you need to do that again but this time face-to-face? It sounds like you're just giving yourself excuses so you can justify doing what you want to do which is keep the same level of contact up for another few months and pretend you're in a long distance relationship with him. That is not going to end well for you. You are not in a relationship with him. He doesn't want you. You can psychologically rationalise away the no sex aspect of your situation and pretend you're otherwise together whilst he's abroad but once he's back and he's still not interested it's going to HURT. You have the perfect chance to distance yourself from him now, you should take it.

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NellyNouNou · 30/09/2017 09:10

I think it's his mother. She has old fashioned expectations of him meeting "A nice young girl" and settling down with her. A girl who is meek and influenceable by his mother who always wants to play the primary female role in his life. You don't fit that stereotype. You are used, and a potential threat to her. He cannot go against his mother's wishes as it would destroy her. She will never let him marry you because it is not how she has planned his life for him. I imagine she is prone to dramatics.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 09:18

I'm not pretending anything. I initiated the new contact and I was determined to stick to it. It's him that went back on that.
Not me.

And I know I suppose I could just ignore him but it's persistent.

It is a very bizarre situation. He says one thing which I can take. I'm a grown woman. If that's how he feels then so be it but let's stop this weird friendship

What I can't take is him saying one thing and acting completely different to what he says.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 09:21

Earthsandwich
That makes a lot of sense and in a warped way i am glad not on my own with this.
And I am sorry he made you feel like this.

The thought of him meeting someone makes me feel sick.

So I know what I have to do. Just wanted a bit of wisdom as I am still confused.
I am not hearing what I want etc

I see how he behaves towards me and that is what confuses me.

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TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 09:21

He's told you that he doesn't want to be with you. You're such good friends that he's safe with you hence why he feels ok texting, talking, being with you whenever and wherever, but you're also such good friends that he doesn't see you as relationship material. And tBH, having a friend of the opposite sex it doesn't have to follow that a sexual relationship will evolve, some friendships are strong enough as friendships that that's just not something which one or the other envisages and that's actually ok.

The issue is that while he doesn't feel that way, you do, and being in that friendship zone means you're not moving forward with your own life because you're imagining in your head that actually he does want you he just doesn't know it yet.

He doesn't want you. He's not had a relationship for five years, so chances are he doesn't want a relationship, but even if he does, he doesn't want that relationship to be with you. And that could be for numerous reasons. It could be that the friendship means enough to him that if you had a relationship and it didn't work out that would also destroy the friendship. It could be that you know each other so well that he just doesn't see you in that way

And tbh people saying he's a twat for not wanting to be with you because you have children are wrong. He's being honest. There's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship with someone who has children, far better that he's honest about that from the outset. Children bring all manner of complications into a relationship and someone who doesn't have any of their own may well not want to take that on. He's perfectly within his rights to feel like that. You only have to look at the step parenting boards to see the trials and tribulations of relationships with children in the mix. Maybe if people were more honest from the outset half the issues of blended/step families wouldn't exist.

What you need to do now though is to distance yourself. Tel him now, not when he comes back, that as you feel differently to him it's not a good idea for you to stay so close, because you'll always be hoping for something that isn't and it's holding you both back. I wouldn't necessarily bloc him, but would certainly scale back the texting and calling as it's hurting you so much.

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Tilapia · 30/09/2017 09:23

He isn't really saying one thing and acting in a different way, though, is he? He has told you he doesn't want a relationship with you and that he loves you as a friend, and he has never tried to have sex with you. So, actually, his actions are consistent with his words.

Sorry OP. I know this must hurt.

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LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 09:28

I had a friend a bit like this. Turned out he was gay but hadn't admitted it to himself yet.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 09:34

I think so yet

I've rebuffed advances from friends in the past and then stayed well clear.
I've not suggested nights out and weekends away with them after.
I have stepped back mindful that they could take everything I do or say as a straw to clutch onto

So him suggesting all which he has.
Him calling me 15 times a day telling me he misses me.

Him telling me his sexual thoughts and feelings

I'm sorry but there isn't a friend in the world I would act like that with. Especially one who had feelings.

As a sidenote I saw his brother yesterday while out shopping. Had a chat and went about my day. Had a phone call within half an hour from headfuck saying. Oh I hear you just saw "G" did you have a nice chat with your future brother in law... then laughed. That isn't normal.

But then maybe it is me? I don't know... I think it's all a bit odd and in the school of thought that actions speak louder than words.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 09:35

I am coming across well on this thread hahaha
Glad for the name change.

I just know it's not me initiating all of this and it is confusing me.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 09:36

I am not coming across well even

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ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2017 09:42

Yeah, but when he makes a joke like that, what's your response?

When he says sexual stuff, what's your response?

Cos I would be getting shirty at this stage.

"Future brother in law? Er no, you're not even my boyfriend let alone my fiance!"

When he tells you his sexual thoughts, just say "You really need a girlfriend if you're that frustrated" If he makes some innuendo about you? An icy "Don't make me laugh -
You don't even want to kiss me, let alone shag me."

Stop being so passive. Start pushing back. This is getting ridiculous.

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Tilapia · 30/09/2017 09:43

You say that actions speak louder than words. But the examples you give (telling you he misses you, making sexual innuendo, the BIL comment) are mainly just words?

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TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 09:45

Time for you to take control then OP. Tell him you've met someone else and you're not going to be contacting him any more.

Him telling you sexual thought and feelings yet not having had a sexual relationship in the past five years is not normal either.

There is one possibility though, the fact that you met while you were still married to your DH, do you think he might think of himself as the OM in some instances and not want to be a part of that? Is he in any way part of the reason you separated from your H or did you perhaps get closer to him than you should have in light of the issues in your marriage?

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Angelf1sh · 30/09/2017 09:48

You say you want to stop the weird friendship-so stop it! It's entirely within your power to do so! If he texts 15 times a day, don't reply. If he makes sexual comments, shut them down. He'll soon stop. You are feeding this behaviour.

He's told you he's not interested.

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happypoobum · 30/09/2017 09:49

He sounds really weird to me.

Maybe Madonna/Whore complex? Gay?

I had a very strange relationship like this, although I only let it go on for a few months before I wised up and pulled the plug. It was incredibly painful though. In his case I think his issues were to do with childhood abuse at boarding school (long story and too outing to go into)

I think you know what you need to do. You have to go completely NC with him. Yes it will hurt, but look at the pain you are in now. Flowers

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category12 · 30/09/2017 09:50

If you did have a relationship, it would be a disaster - his mother would be right there in the middle. He thinks of you as spoiled goods. He's a mummy's boy. He's got totally fixed attitudes.

Stop this. Cancel the weekend away, block his number and start moving the hell on.

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Earthsandwhich · 30/09/2017 09:50

OP no you're not alone I as I try and disentangle myself from my own situation.

Best thing someone said to me was this: it doesn't matter what they think. Stop thinking about what their motives could be. All that matters is how they make you feel and how you react to them.

I also saw this thread recently which has some really good advice on it

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3039360-How-to-quietly-disentangle-myself-from-this-situation

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