Need words of wisdom... is this just me.

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

Okay so this is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance...

I have a very good male friend and for the purpose of this thread I shall name him headfuck.

We have been friends for around 5 years and the friendship has increased as the years have gone by. He's single, very traditional and honestly for me quite perfect.

He was by my side during a messy separation. A separation which is still ongoing as for many reasons we can't sell the house just yet. We do however live separate lives and have separate bedrooms etc.

So anyway. Headfuck (hf) as I said has been there throughout it all. My total rock. We went from spending all our time on group outings together to going out alone.
Meals, cinema, concerts. Just anything really. He even used to come and do my supermarket shop with me ffs.
He would meet me after work and we would just sit in the car and chat for hours.

We sent (and still do) a huge skint of texts. We talk every day and he calls me before he goes to bed without fail.
We have SO much in common. It's ridiculous and all of our friends have noticed it. I started to develop feelings but was worried it wasn't reciprocated so bottled it. Just carried on being friends who basically acted like a couple without the sex.

He had the opportunity to go and work away in America for a year in January and on our last night out I sobbed in the cab home. I was distraught.
He went and I did some serious thinking. I come clean and told him how I felt and that I couldn't continue this half life. That I wanted to be with him and if he didn't agree then when he's back to the UK we have to calm down all the contact as we will never find a partner being so heavily invested in eachother and even if we did. There wouldn't be a man or woman alive who would be comfortable with our level of friendship.
His answer was I don't see you that way because you've been married in the past, you have children (who he has met and idolises), and you're older than me. He agreed with essentially what I was saying but said when he meets someone and gets married it wants it to be their first time. First time to have children etc
I do kind of understand that I guess but he's 27 now. Most people will have a history. I am 34.

So at that point with him being so far away I thought I would create some distance. It hasn't worked.
He's coming back soon (Jan) and we still speak every day. In fact more on the phone that we ever have. I wake up to texts.
He tells me how much he misses me. That be will cry when he sees me. That he can't wait to hug me, smell me. Go out.

We have even booked a weekend away to the highlands in a remote cottage ffs. 2 bedrooms though i should add.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
He's very mature in some senses but immature in others. Deep down I think be feels the same but his ideals stop him. His family have passed comment on our friendship and informed him he's " too young to take on all I have" and I can see their point but what about the fact that I know I will never find someone who I have that connection with and I seriously doubt he will. He would never admit all this though I suppose.
I just know that forever I will look for him in anyone I try to replace him with if that's what it will take
And I truly believe he will be the same.

Also not sure if it's worth mentioning. I know he's very sexually inexperienced. Hasn't had sex for well nearly as long as me and that's a good few years lol.
So I don't know if that plays a part.

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this really. I just feel like I am cracking up with the you say one thing and act another way feelings. I need some MN wisdom

Name changed for his as I like to resemble a mature adult. Not a silly teen haha

[rosabug]

No No No. Your nickname was right. The thing is though - he IS in a relationship with you, only it's entirely on his terms, with necessary in-built distance, because the guy clearly has intimacy issues. The 'used goods' and age difference are convenient facts. If they weren't there, he'd find another way to keep you at bay.

You can't 'solve' people so that they can then give you what you need, (believe me I learned that the hard way). He has shown you who he is (a headfuck) - now see it and believe him.

[gustofwind]

what a complete shit.

Time to take back control. He's held you back for too long.

(hope the other stuff worked out)

[CryptoFascist]

I'd have to say something along the lines of - you led me up the garden path for years, you should have at least been honest that there would be no chance and that it was because of you, not made me feel like damaged goods because you didn't want to admit you're gay.
I really feel for you on this, he's basically used you as a beard.

[RandomMess]

Reply "Of course things will have to change, can you start thinking about what this has done to be after everything you said in the past. I'm sure we will still have a different sort of friendship but for now I need space. I am really hurting so you need to respect where I am at now"

Seriously you need to set him straight and block him so get the space you need to recover. Every bit of communication is just plunging the knife in time and time again

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

At the moment he keeps saying to me " don't hate me" and " promise me things won't change"

Like again he's only worried about him in this situation and not giving me a thought at all.
I don't and never will hate him.
I can't see how we can get back from this. I don't want to lose him but I'm not sure I can ever feel the same again
Partly because for me a lot of what we had was evidently based on the attraction too. Shallow but true.

[CryptoFascist]

Wow, what a selfish user he is. I'm so sorry he's wasted so much of your time.
No more, please. Your life is precious, please don't let this narcissistic idiot take up any more headspace.

[userxx]

Oh no!!!! I remember this thread, no words really apart from distance yourself until you can accept it. You've had these feelings for a long time, they are just not going to suddenly vanish because he's come out. Bloody hell :-(

[Musti]

Hey op. My gay friend ended up marrying a woman. He's religious so cannot accept his sexuality. It's not that simple when they're denying it to themselves as much as they are to other people and willing themselves to have feelings for the opposite sex.

[RandomMess]

Don't punish yourself by hearing all about his dating. Limit your contact with him if you can't bear to block him.

I really encourage you to message him something like "I need some space from you as your behaviour has been incredibly hurtful, I wish you well and I'll be in touch when I feel able to be your friend again" and then block.

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

I'm actually really upset

It's the final nail in the coffin really. I really didn't get gay vibes from him at all
Maybe I am partly to blame for not seeing it sooner.


I'm also now really angry
As he keeps telling me how happy he is
And he's online dating now It's out.

And I just feel hollow
I don't want to take his happiness away
I am pleased for him

But I am so pissed off that he must have known a while and instead blamed me.
It really did batter my self esteem.

[RandomMess]

I would tell him how hurt you are that he has led you on for years and that you need to take a break, that he was battered your self esteem which is a cruel thing to do to someone he has said he loves and cares for.

Ultimately he has been very very selfish.

[AveABanana]

But finally admitting he is actually gay what a surprise what he's actually saying is that he's not your friend.

A friend would not have shitted you about for years For years he has chosen to destroy your confidence. What a fucking arse. He didn't have to jump out of the closet - he just had to stop lying to you about the potential for a relationship and to leave you alone. But he didn't - he chose to keep on making promises and blaming you for not being good enough.

Dump the fucker and move on.

[maras2]

he's gay
Well, no shit Sherlock.

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

It does feel very sad and like i am grieving for something that was never mine to begin with but I always thought that maybe one day. Despite the odd behaviour.

I am now starting to feel quite cross about the fact he always made me believe I wasn't good enough for various reasons. Really battered by self esteem in reality
When the simple fact was I was as far from what he was looking for as one can get.
I know he couldn't have helped it and was in denial
It could have just saved a lot of hurt for me. A month ago he was speaking like we might work
Now this

Eurgh.

[JoanFrenulum]

You'll get through this. (Speaking from experience.) Give yourself some space now though. He's going to have lots of Big Thoughts And Feelings about being gay and he's going to want you to be his support team. You don't have to be his support team.

It's not good for you; you've got to grieve this non-relationship and you can't do that if you're still involved.

You can say "I'm not the right person to talk to about this." If he tries to guilt you into it, that's proof you don't owe him emotional labour. You can be friends again in a year or two. Just not now.

[DonkeyPlease]

What a sad experience for you op. I'm really sorry to hear all this.

[Musti]

Hi. I've just read the first few pages of your thread and was going to say he sounds exactly like my gay friend. He wasn't like that with me but with other girls in the group. He kept lusting after unavailable women. We'd spend hours talking about them but he was just in denial. When a friend who he'd been in love with for years became single, he never asked her out. When he did have girlfriends he'd break up soon after for the most stupid reasons.

Glad you know now and can move on. You had his support and friendship when you needed it so that's good.

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

Okay I have an update on this and I don't know if pp's will see

He came back from the states
And true to form i allowed it a to continue

It's been going on and on and on and I was thinking wtf is this
Why is he doing it
Why am I so obsessed.

Friday he called me and said we need to meet. We went for a walk
And he had a long chat with me.


He's gay.


He's been fighting it for years apparently and been in complete denial
It's only this last few weeks he's accepted it himself and told his family etc.

I feel better in one sense. Like it was never me.
Happy for him as it took such a lot of courage and what he said was so lovely and sad I'm a way.

But I'm just feeling so confused with how I feel right now

[NewLove]

Just seen the update - he's actually coming across as quite creep and stalkerish now :(

[Impostress99]

He doesn’t see you as a partner.

No need for analysis. Analysis is exciting, grasping, makes it seem as though we are involved in a project where one day we shall find our true result.

Stop.

Stop the analysis.

Stop the contact. Especially if you feel like people in those Nigerian scams feel “oh the end is do close let me stick it out a while longer”.

Extricate self.

No contact.

No analysis.

He doesn’t want to be with you. Period.

[RandomMess]

Yes please explain to your parents that this is a complete no go and he is not respecting your wishes.

[Menarefrommarsitwouldseem]

I am going to have a word with my parents and explain


They only ever saw us as friends really. They did question our closeness and asked if we were together but accepted it when I said no.

I think I'll have to explain some of the dynamics behind me not wanting to see him. They'll have arranged it thinking we are great friends and he wants to suprise me. Nothing more.

I have a feeling he's going to turn up sooner than I thought.

And hahaha I don't think it'll be a proposal or anything like that. He will just want to carry on as we were and I won't do that.

[Mary1935]

Hi Op even this latest"revaluation" is to keep you dangling and waiting with high expectations. You need to tell your family - your allowing him to waste your life if you continue with this "friendship"
You have blocked him & your family need to respect this. You don't need to know what he's planned - you won't be going. Maybe you think he may propose - this still doesn't gaurentee anything for the future with him.
You need to go out or get dating - have you dated since you split from husband? Join a meet up group - get busy. Put your foot down with your family. No means No - your family need to respect your feelings and wishes too!!!!

[SciFiFan2015]

I’ve read the majority of the thread but not all, it was getting so repetitive.

Drop him
Move on
Find someone new - go on dates, have fun.
Hf is sucking up all your emotional energy. Like an emotional succubus which keeps you hanging around for him and prevents you from moving on
Stop over-analysing things. It’s like you’re looking for clues or proof that he does want to be with you. He doesn’t.
You’ve already wasted too much time on him. Be pleasant but don’t allow him this much headspace.
There’s a cliche isn’t there “if you love someone let them go” etc etc

Good luck

[Saz432]

Sorry, phone crashed before I finished!

He is loving the attention from someone who's in love with him because it feels good, and he's encouraging you. He's already told you it's not going to happen. This is just unspeakably mean and I would have a massive problem with this.

I had a friend just like this who wanted to spend all him time with me, sleep in my bed (never even kissed me), etc. Once he knew I had feelings for him he would drop just enough breadcrumbs to keep me following him - calling me beautiful, telling me I was his soulmate etc. I was in a relationship at the time but when that ended I really thought he would want to be together. Nope, dropped me like a stone and went off with someone else.

On the flip side, my husband told me after knowing me for two weeks that he was in love with me. I was with someone else and should have stepped away but I couldn't because I had feelings for him too but it was complicated. I really tried not to lead him on but that was almost impossible since we both had strong feelings for each other. We've now been married for 7 yrs and couldn't be more in love.

Tell him straight - you know I have feelings for you and if it's never going to happen it's cruel to keep dangling the carrot of your affection. I need to withdraw from this friendship because you are hurting me by acting as though you love me, telling me you love me but then telling me I'm not right for you.