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Relationships

Need words of wisdom... is this just me.

234 replies

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 00:23

Okay so this is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance...

I have a very good male friend and for the purpose of this thread I shall name him headfuck.

We have been friends for around 5 years and the friendship has increased as the years have gone by. He's single, very traditional and honestly for me quite perfect.

He was by my side during a messy separation. A separation which is still ongoing as for many reasons we can't sell the house just yet. We do however live separate lives and have separate bedrooms etc.

So anyway. Headfuck (hf) as I said has been there throughout it all. My total rock. We went from spending all our time on group outings together to going out alone.
Meals, cinema, concerts. Just anything really. He even used to come and do my supermarket shop with me ffs.
He would meet me after work and we would just sit in the car and chat for hours.

We sent (and still do) a huge skint of texts. We talk every day and he calls me before he goes to bed without fail.
We have SO much in common. It's ridiculous and all of our friends have noticed it. I started to develop feelings but was worried it wasn't reciprocated so bottled it. Just carried on being friends who basically acted like a couple without the sex.

He had the opportunity to go and work away in America for a year in January and on our last night out I sobbed in the cab home. I was distraught.
He went and I did some serious thinking. I come clean and told him how I felt and that I couldn't continue this half life. That I wanted to be with him and if he didn't agree then when he's back to the UK we have to calm down all the contact as we will never find a partner being so heavily invested in eachother and even if we did. There wouldn't be a man or woman alive who would be comfortable with our level of friendship.
His answer was I don't see you that way because you've been married in the past, you have children (who he has met and idolises), and you're older than me. He agreed with essentially what I was saying but said when he meets someone and gets married it wants it to be their first time. First time to have children etc
I do kind of understand that I guess but he's 27 now. Most people will have a history. I am 34.

So at that point with him being so far away I thought I would create some distance. It hasn't worked.
He's coming back soon (Jan) and we still speak every day. In fact more on the phone that we ever have. I wake up to texts.
He tells me how much he misses me. That be will cry when he sees me. That he can't wait to hug me, smell me. Go out.

We have even booked a weekend away to the highlands in a remote cottage ffs. 2 bedrooms though i should add.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
He's very mature in some senses but immature in others. Deep down I think be feels the same but his ideals stop him. His family have passed comment on our friendship and informed him he's " too young to take on all I have" and I can see their point but what about the fact that I know I will never find someone who I have that connection with and I seriously doubt he will. He would never admit all this though I suppose.
I just know that forever I will look for him in anyone I try to replace him with if that's what it will take
And I truly believe he will be the same.

Also not sure if it's worth mentioning. I know he's very sexually inexperienced. Hasn't had sex for well nearly as long as me and that's a good few years lol.
So I don't know if that plays a part.

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this really. I just feel like I am cracking up with the you say one thing and act another way feelings. I need some MN wisdom

Name changed for his as I like to resemble a mature adult. Not a silly teen haha

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RainyApril · 30/09/2017 09:50

I think you could drive yourself mad wondering why he doesn't want to be with you, but in the end it doesn't really matter.

He has told you that, for him, it is friendship only. Now he knows how you feel I think he's actually being quite cruel maintaining the level of contact and intimacy that you had before. He is thinking of how much he needs the friendship, and not how heartbreaking it is for you.

You are clinging on in the hope that he changes his mind but if he hasn't reciprocated by now then he never will. I think you should cut contact completely, as you do after a relationship break up. It will be hard but less hard than seeing him fall in love with someone else.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 10:02

I do kind of shut it down with the sexual innuendos and bil comments. Well in the sense that I don't respond to them directly.

And actions I mean ( yes incorrectly a lot of what he says) but sending me flowers from America to cheer me up. Sourcing a piece of artwork from an artist I love for my birthday. Arranging a weekend away.

My marriage was totally over when I met him and things progressed.
He has said before he's put off my him being there though.

When I told him how I felt. He said that he thought about what if we did quite a lot and then remembered why we didn't and that relationships and sex scare him.


Writing all this down about him is actually putting me off him. I think he has issues... he's petrified of having sex I know that much. I've often wondered if he's a virgin.

Sure know how to pick 'em.
I do need to move on and go NC. I just worry about missing him and worry about hurting him. Stupid me.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 10:07

Oh and the scared a relationship would ruin the friendship has come up too.

Although this situation isn't making it blossom either. Ah well.

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RandomMess · 30/09/2017 10:21

I think it will be easier to cut contact now. Be up front and tell him you need space. Tell him he needs space and when he gets back it's either as a relationship or not at all.

TBH I don't think he'll ever cut the apron strings and I couldn't live with that!!!

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RandomMess · 30/09/2017 10:22

I would also force yourself to do some dating before he's back too and some therapy to work out why you have been clinging on to him.

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Offred · 30/09/2017 10:22

I got as far as 'headfuck' before I thought 'noooooooooo' and then I read about 'being there' during your messy separation and his views re your marriage....

Lovely you need to give your head a wobble and go NC with this dickhead who is using you to prop up his life and give him an ego boost!

What you are looking for is some release from your messy separation, this is not even about having feelings for him, just that he is a really unsuitable, manipulative, controlling dick representation of peace, fun, freedom etc but he's got his hooks in while you are vulnerable...

Put a stop to it.

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Worriedrose · 30/09/2017 10:23

He sounds incredibly immature and actually not very nice.
He knows you want something more, so he knows how his actions could make you feel, like there is some hope?
He's making sure you don't let go of the hope, because, we we don't really know why...but that's his issue he has to sort out, clearly he doesn't want it right now.

He would rather keep you stuck so he doesn't have to confront his own issues
I've been there. IT DOES NOT END WELL.

Think about what YOU want in your life, and work out a way to achieve it. He currently is not letting you do that.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 13:17

Thank you for all your advice. It really helps.

He's text a few times so far today and tried to call. His last text says I am counting down the days until I see you again. I've not replied to any of them.

I'm going to reply occasionally but short and sweet. If he makes the sexual innuendos again, tells me he's horny I'm going to tell him to get a girlfriend.
If he mentions his brother or his family again and jokes about in laws
I'm going to be icy and forceful and ask him what his game is.

I will cancel the weekend away and hope it sorts itself. If he asks why I am off i will remind him of what i said in January and explain that it really is going to have to be all or nothing. For my own mental health I can't watch him with someone else feeling like I was never good enough.

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Offred · 30/09/2017 13:20

No no no... cancel the weekend away... block and delete!

You are way too vulnerable to deal with him effectively and keep yourself safe emotionally.

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Offred · 30/09/2017 13:22

I can tell you what his game is anyway; it is to keep you hanging, encourage you then humiliate you, then encourage you again, then etc

He is using you as an ego boost.

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LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 13:30

In your mind all or nothing = all or 'being a bit frosty'.

That's not going to work.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 13:34

Yes you're right
I need to stick to it. He will ask what's up.

I need to tell him that once he's back we step it up or we to back to being strangers.

I can avoid seeing him completely though. I work with him.

I've got until the end of January to take control of this... And then he will be back and working again Feb.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 13:35

This phone grrrr

  • I can't avoid seeing him
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Cin3ma · 30/09/2017 13:35

He is playing games with you. He knows how you feel about him, but continues to act like your boyfriend and encourage the bond, while simultaneously telling you he isnt attracted to you and that you have too much baggage and essentially arent good enough for him or his family?

Maybe he isnt such a great guy, really?

My gaydar is also bleeping loudly, by the way...

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category12 · 30/09/2017 13:38

What's to stop him promising to think it over or even to give it a shot when he's back, and then put you off again later? You shouldn't need to force a declaration - if he wanted a proper relationship, you'd have one already.

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Offred · 30/09/2017 13:47

I need to tell him that once he's back we step it up or we to back to being strangers



No, you really really don't! He doesn't care that you feel like crap, he doesn't have any respect for you. He just wants your attention. It literally doesn't matter what you say to him, he is feeding off your angsting!

He is not even in the country! Just block him on everything and if he ever reseurfaces at work hopefully by then you will be strong enough to deal with him existing!

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Offred · 30/09/2017 13:49

Apart from anything else you have already told him this and he has already told you he isn't interested!

Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you want to keep doing this to yourself?

He isn't your friend, he isn't even nice, he's horrible to you and he's treating you like crap! You owe him less than nothing! You shouldn't even explain why you have blocked him or that you are going to never mind repeating the same ultimatum again...

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Offred · 30/09/2017 13:52

And re your username 'men are from mars' no, no they are not. Men are people like women. Some people are predatory dicks who use others to make up for their own deficiencies... this man is one of those dicks...

You don't need to spend any (more) time trying to work out what he is feeling or thinking, you simply need to be your own friend and get this dickhead out of your life!

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RandomMess · 30/09/2017 14:08

Tell him "I'm not having you use me for friendship anymore, you know how I feel and the sex comments and BIL commented are very cruel. I'm blocking your number and email Andrews. No doubt I'll see you at work in Feb and we catch up as pure work colleagues then if our paths cross then. Bye"

Then you have 4 months to grieve get bloody furious and start to move on.

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Worriedrose · 30/09/2017 14:10

Agree with offred...but
We all know how difficult it is to disentangle yourself from something, especially if you want that something and you've been given JUST enough hope to cling onto it.

Think about why you are clinging onto someone who has told you in words and actions they don't want to be with you, why you would only listen to the intimations and the the vague odd sentences that give you enough hope

If you were your friend what would you say to yourself.
Think about how cruel he has been to you. If he was not selfish he would want you to be happy, and if he knew he couldn't give you that happiness he would walk away from you.

You have the power to change this, he is not going to. You could literally spend 15 years doing this and it will break you

It is good he is not in the country. Try and use this as an opportunity to break free from it.
If you want maybe send an email explaining why need to break contact, then you are clear. He knows 100% how you feel and you can refer back to it when you feel the need to contact again

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LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 14:26

I would send something like RandomMess's message.

Well, I probably wouldn't, but in an ideal world that is what I would hope to doGrin

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mumofthemonsters808 · 30/09/2017 14:48

I think you're in real deep water here.He has told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but you are not giving up, you're clinging on for dear life for the fact that he could change his mind. You're obsessing over his words, his motives, his behaviour.Just let him go and find yourself someone new. Before he enters into a relationship with someone else and breaks your heart.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 15:13

I agree with all everyone has said. Just need to hear the cold hard truth sometimes.
I know what I need to do. I couldn't just go awol though because despite him making him question my own sanity he deserves an explanation and he will ask.

I'm clinging on i suppose. I went cold turkey on him before and started to feel more in control and he just didn't let it go and contacted me constantly. Texts, calls, emails. He even contacted my sister to see if she could get me to speak to him as " he doesn't want to lose me". So as time has gone on we are in contact more than ever before. I know it's my fault that I've not told him to piss off. I feel like I'm clinging onto the fact that he wants to maintain this friendship as a sign.
Mainly because if someone had declared their feelings for me and I didn't feel the same way I would be stepping back. Not cranking up the intimacy and contact. So then I think well I wonder if this, I wonder if that. I do overthink everything he says because frankly it's not normal behaviour.
I have friends I would do anything for and have been friends with them since school age and I still don't speak to them as much as I speak to him and certainly not on the way he speaks to me.

It is him that initiates 95% of the contact. I've had another 4 texts this afternoon asking if I am okay as he senses I am not.

I have made myself too easily accessible to him and wore my heart on my sleeve. I know it's my fault and I know what I need to do. I just don't understand his actions.

It's like a slow form of torture.

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Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 30/09/2017 15:19

If I were my friend I would set up some kind of intervention and tell him to fuck off for her haha.
That says it all really.

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Offred · 30/09/2017 15:24

It's not your fault at all!

He is treating you badly!

It is clear that he very much wants to keep contact with you and that he wants the contact to be messed up like this - no boundaries, all on his terms...

That is not because he cares for you. You need to stop applying your standards to him. He doesn't function or think in the same way as you, he is not doing this because he cares about you, he is doing it because he doesn't.

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