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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell wife of affair if she was 7 months pregnant?

231 replies

namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 12:20

I have deliberately name changed for this (honey's blue immaced baby, penguin enclosure date, NY where Mumsnet got shut down etc) because I genuinely didn't know, but am not in a good place to take stick if people don't believe me.... so....

I started seeing a guy about 18 months ago. He was an ex from aprox 10 years ago, and it started out as FWB type thing. I am friends with his sister / mates on fb etc, but he doesn't use it. I am a single parent so he has always come to mine, though I have been to his parents a few times when they were away. I've never thought it odd as I rarely get a babysitter so haven't had opportunity, he just always came here or we met for lunch in town etc. I have always called / texted whenever I pleased. I am trying to cover all bases of our history here so you don't think it was odd!

I discovered last night he is married, and his wife is 7 months pregnant. I am absolutely gutted, angry, ashamed, embarrassed etc. This was 18 bloody months we have been together. I have told him not to contact me again, and have no intention of doing anything to spite him, I just feel numb almost? (ironic given my list of feelings above!)

My question is, do I tell his wife? I have always been a believer that women stick together, but she is due in November and I genuinely am not sure it is better not to know in this situation. For full disclosure, my ex left when I was pregnant, so this may be tainting my view on things too.

Please don't kick me for this, I felt sick when I found out and its been a particularly shitty last 24 hours.

OP posts:
pingu73 · 30/09/2017 16:16

I have 3 kids actually and what I was referring to is people suggesting not to put fathers name on birth certificate etc
Some people need to calm down

ChicRock · 30/09/2017 16:32

I haven't seen any "people" suggesting that the wife shouldn't put his name on the birth certificate.

Crunchymum · 30/09/2017 16:42

Sorry as I'm sure it's already been covered but didn't you think it odd in 18 months you never went to his house or met his parents
/ family / friends?

Nor was there any suggestion of you both being an item on any social media.

Seems very odd to me.

WhooooAmI24601 · 30/09/2017 16:54

I found out when I was 6 months pregnant that DS1's Dad was cheating. The OW phoned me, it was harrowing and we staggered on for another few months before realising that I couldn't get past it. I hated her (she knew all about me from the second they me, and chose to continue seeing him) but I despised him for having made a commitment to build a life with me then shit all over it. The OW's antics paled in comparison.

I'd want to know. Every time. I'd tell, too, because the informed consent thing is absolutely spot on.

You're not the dick in this. You haven't shit on his family. You're bound to feel awful, but don't allow his shitty choices to make you feel as though you're responsible for the potential breakdown of their marriage; that became a probability the second he chose to have any sort of affair. I'd be incredibly surprised if he'd just cheated with you, though, so booking yourself in for a full screening might be worthwhile.

CanIBuffalo · 30/09/2017 17:04

Tell her by whatever means you think best but make sure you provide cast iron proof.

pingu73 · 30/09/2017 17:06

Chic roc it was mentioned in an earlier post

Kittykat93 · 30/09/2017 17:11

I am currently 7 months pregnant but would still want to know if my Oh had been cheating, but it's a difficult one.

ChicRock · 30/09/2017 17:39

Nope, can't see anyone suggesting that.

NameChange30 · 30/09/2017 17:45

pingu
"what I was referring to is people suggesting not to put fathers name on birth certificate"
No, what you said was this:
"I am sick of my gender making statement like not wanting him at the birth"

I don't think anyone said anything about the birth certificate - maybe you got mixed up with another thread?

Interesting that you have three children. So do you really think their father had the right to attend the birth - what if he'd cheated on you and you found out just beforehand? Would you have felt better with him at your side during labour?

WineGummyBear · 30/09/2017 18:20

While I do understand the point when people say 'don't get involved' and 'she may already know'. And I also know in these circs the messenger does get shot. However

I think the vast vast majority of people would want to know as soon as possible. It's a shitty thing to find out. Finding out later won't make it any better.

AutumnRose8 · 30/09/2017 18:47

I would be unable to risk the woman's - and possibly the baby's - health, by telling her before the birth. Extreme shock could quite easily affect her BP, and that can lead to several complications at this stage of her pregnancy, not least pre eclampsia. It might be a very small risk, but a risk nonetheless.

Bumdishcloths · 30/09/2017 18:50

Pregnancy is hard enough without adding this to the mix - please don't tell her. It's possible she may not believe you anyway.

ittakes2 · 30/09/2017 18:52

My goodness what a dilemma for you. Trust your instincts.

DameGlitterSparkles · 30/09/2017 20:02

Pingu you are failing whatever it is you are trying to achieve on this thread petal

GlitteryFluff · 30/09/2017 20:08

I'd want to know. But it's a tough call to make. Flowers

QueenBeex · 30/09/2017 20:22

Tell her now. Don't leave it any longer.

Thesecondtoast · 30/09/2017 20:32

I found out at about the same pregnancy stage. It was horrific. I wasn't talking to my mum at the time and ended up with a nice neighbour in her 60s being my birthing partner. I couldn't even have a glass of wine or a smoke to help numb the pain. Looking back I would rather have not known until after the birth.

Cricrichan · 30/09/2017 20:34

My ex came on to my friend whilst I was pregnant. Whilst I understand why she didn't tell me, she would have literally saved me time and money if she had. Tell her.

SuzukiLi · 30/09/2017 20:42

My ex was shagging around when I was pregnant and yes he did give me something that nearly killed me and the baby. I wish to god someone had told me.

SandyY2K · 30/09/2017 21:06

Could you send her a message, saying you have important information regarding her husband.... that she can call you or provide a number to contact her on.

Don't just email or he may intercept and pretend to be her. That's happened many times before in this situation.

Bottom line ... you need to be sure it's her you're speaking to.

Duch

seven201 · 30/09/2017 21:35

I'd want to know

Jedimum1 · 30/09/2017 21:37

How are you today?

guestofclanmackenzie · 09/10/2017 22:48

What did you decide to do, OP?

ConcreteUnderpants · 10/10/2017 00:12

what I was referring to is people suggesting not to put fathers name on birth certificate etc

Moot point, pingu - they are married.

pallisers · 10/10/2017 00:24

I rang him from the car and he went quiet, then told me it was true. He then texted that he wanted to tell me last week but it had been too hard.

he had no intention of ever telling you - or telling his wife. As well as having two women on the go, he was getting off on the danger involved - he knew you knew his sister/were peripheral to his life so knew it could come out - he liked that. I think there are loads of men like this (think politicians etc who do shit you can't believe - they get off on feeling they are above the usual rules and the risk-taking).

So he will do this again to his wife. You won't be the only one. You may not be the only one now. I would tell her. If it were me, I would rather not have my adulterous ex at my labour and delivery when I am most vulnerable. It would taint the entire thing. and the earlier you know you are with a loser and can get out, the better in general.

Someone upthread wrote out a good clear, unemotional message. I think I would get this to her, adding a bit of proof if possible and leave it at that. He may have told her something already by the way - and it may be something that discredits you so be aware that you may not be believed either way.